|Reviews for When we were Young|
| Salunatic chapter 20 . 7/18/2013
Overall, well written.
Only thing that bothers me is the part about banishing Uru. I mean, its a possible reason why we didn't see her in the movies at all, but it doesn't mean that I'll like it. Dunno, this further reinforce my already poor image of Mufasa. I mean, which lioness would kill their own mate whom they loved a lot? There's no advantage, no logic, and no benefit.
Furthermore, with Mufasa banishing his own mother who was framed, I think its an abomination. Would it kill to just wait a few days before deciding?
The part about Sarafina, I think its possible too, maybe that's why she chose to betroth her daughter to Mufasa's son. Partly as a way of saying thanks for finding her a mate, partly cause there's a small part of her that still couldn't let go of her affection for him. Who knows?
I think you did well with Taka/Scar, character in sync with the canon. Although maybe more development would be good. The part about Mufasa saving him from the hyena attack after he made a deal with them confused me slightly though.
Writing wise, spelling and sentence structures, maybe a little work on it. You mentioned that the spelling checker wasn't working. I dunno, I'll suggest getting a beta reader to edit for you. Spell checkers are unreliable sometimes.
Overall, I still think its a well thought out story. Lots of dept, lots of plots.
Apologise for such a long review. I just kinda lumped all the chapters into one review.
Keep up the good work.
| Guest chapter 20 . 6/25/2011
i like your story but its kind of sad that Uru got do you think Mufasa would banish his own mother without any real proof!
| jojoberry chapter 20 . 6/12/2011
this story was very good minus the grammar, but seriously think into my comment about grammar checking this story i'd be happy too.
| jojoberry chapter 19 . 6/12/2011
| jojoberry chapter 18 . 6/12/2011
also last was last chapter supposed to say the reign of battle not the rain?
| jojoberry chapter 17 . 6/12/2011
do you want me to read over all your chapters, grammar correct them, and send them back to you for republishing?
| jojoberry chapter 16 . 6/11/2011
you know you can add a line to change scenes
| jojoberry chapter 15 . 6/11/2011
try to review over your work so out can fix your grammar even without spellcheck
| jojoberry chapter 14 . 6/11/2011
better grammar this time
| jojoberry chapter 13 . 6/11/2011
a bi confusing mostly from the grammar
| jojoberry chapter 12 . 6/11/2011
| jojoberry chapter 11 . 6/11/2011
i like how scar told them he changed his name i might even have to try that...
| jojoberry chapter 10 . 6/11/2011
i like this chapter it was well written
is your spell check still down?
| jojoberry chapter 9 . 6/11/2011
| jojoberry chapter 8 . 6/11/2011
are you going todo a part on the girls reaction