Reviews for Blood Minus
wanna see a trick chapter 15 . 11/1
Happy 7th anniversary to this fic, or atleast since it was last updated.
Yvune chapter 50 . 7/30
Also, I posted my review on the wrong chapter lol /BRICKED.
Anyway, brilliant as always. And stay classy, friend. Bye~
Yvune chapter 43 . 7/30
Oh my god, that ending was to DIE for. Thank you. Thank you so much for this incredible, tasteful, hilarious parody of one of my most favorite Animes of all time. You brilliant mind, you. Stay awesome and classy, friend.

P.S. Sorry I didn't review all the chapters, I binge read your story lol
Avalos Altair chapter 30 . 11/6/2014
Wow all I have to say I feel sorry for the Blood Minus Joel VI more than his official counterpart.
DivaTepes chapter 1 . 11/10/2013
Okay here is a fanfic challenge for u. It involves Diva. She like Saya abut has sadomasochistic side. It's also a god-like fanfic. She was instead raised by Ophis from Highschool DxD and given flesh of Great Red. She still possesses her powers from Blood plus but also gains the Witchblade, powers from W.I.T.C.H, Fairy Tail along with Mirajane Satan soul, seven deadly sins along with alchemy from fullmetal alchemist, Vampires from Rosario vampire, Highschool DxD Dragon power along similar power of destruction like Rias, fallen angel powers and a Cerberus, Pegasus, and Dragon familiar. She dresses different, has an Ouroboros tattoo over her sternum above cleavage, has measurements of B99/W61/H92, Alexei is still alive, and pairing can be Diva x Vali Lucifer, Diva x Kai Miyagusuku, Diva x Vali x Kai or Diva x Male harem. Also Raynare, Millet, Kalamire, and Donasheek are alive and serve her, Calypso raised her and she has met many mythological people including Greek gods.
1 Hungry Werewolf chapter 1 . 11/1/2013
I LOVE THIS STORY! I LOVE THE FRENCH GUY'S ACCENT & HIS MOUSE JOKES! I STARTED LAUGHING AT JULIA'S BOOBS & COULDN'T STOP UNTIL THE CHAPTER ENDED! LOVE! LOVE! LOVE! This is definitely my second favorite fanfiction story on this whole site( if it was dragonballz related, then it would've been 1st)! Blood plus would've been so much better if it went like this story :)
Anime fan chapter 1 . 8/27/2013
Its really stupid and not funny at all. Its just weird. : (
wanna see a trick chapter 9 . 7/21/2013
sheʻs got a bad case of "the bitch" lol
ANIME-NICA chapter 8 . 4/22/2013
HAHAHAHA! this stufs awesome!
Dawen123 chapter 4 . 11/12/2012
I've recently discovered this website and set up an account, and I wondered to myself if they had a fanfic of my first time anime show...And sure enough, I found this.

This crap is so frekin hilarious, dude! If I had a million dollars, I'll have the company make a show about this!

You're material is a wonder man!
The Layman chapter 26 . 5/11/2012
Rule of thumb when globetrotting as a minor: Make sure you have a parent to travel with. And if not, then make sure you have enough money to hire someone to pretend to be your parent. Otherwise, you'll probably have a pretty hard time getting through customs.

It also might help if you have a valid passport. Just saying.

Now on with the review!

"Um, where's Saya?" Riku interrupted nervously. "I have the sudden urge to…smack her fanny."

Yep, he a Chevalier alright.

"Congratulation, Riku," she told him cheerfully. "The operation was a success. You're now a woman."

"What?" Riku leapt to his feet and quickly yanked down his pants to see if it was true. It apparently wasn't, because he was still quite male (despite what others believe).

"Just kidding!" Julia giggled. "It was a joke! Riku? Riku!" Riku was hyperventilating. "Breath, Riku, breath!"

Forget smoking, Julia Punking people is dangerous!

The door to the ward opened and Kai strode in. He stopped dead upon seeing his little brother standing on the bed with his pants down. After several long, awkward moments of staring, he slowly unzipped his pants and pulled them down as well.

"Kai, pull your damn pants back up!" Julia snapped. "You too, Riku!"

"I was just trying to fit in!" Kai sobbed, yanking his pants back up.

Did we REALLY have to see that? HAJI nude was bad enough...

"James?" Solomon asked, voice full of curiosity. "Do you think brother Amshel is…hiding something?"

"What, like a vagina?" James ventured. "Because if he really was a woman, it would explain his lower eyelashes…"

"Yeah, good point," Solomon agreed. "They're really- NO! What I meant was the Schiff!"

"…Bless…you…?" James frowned, utterly confused.

These guys need their own sitcom.

"Hey guys, how's it going?" Louis greeted, wandering over.

"Hang on," Kai began, "lemme phone the forklift so they can get you your meal-"

Louis smashed a chair over Kai's head.

At least he didn't make a black joke this time.

"Doesn't Kai know Riku doesn't need food or sleep anymore?" David growled, having heard of Kai's complaints from Louis.

"I dunno," Louis shrugged, "but let me tell you this: I ain't NEVER becoming a chevalier. Those are my two favorite things. Hell, I eat IN my sleep."

"What about hoing?" David pointed out.

"That's third, man."

Louis just has the best lines ever, man!

"Yes," Julia nodded sadly. "He's still a…minor character!"


"Hey! Didn't we just re-use a joke from the last episode?"

"Well, yes," Haji agreed, inching away from her. "But it's more eco-friendly to the environment that way!"

"We aren't toilet-paper!"

"I wish I was! Maybe then I'd get close to your ass!"

OK, that was the KING of all bad groaners. Achievement; earned.

"Did you push him down the stairs?"

"No- he, okay," Kai sputtered, brain going on overdrive to think up a plausible excuse/lie, "what I- no, okay- no, he just- okay, okay, he-" Kai paused for a long moment before answering. "Yes."

"Alrighty then." Saya said simply, then kicked him in the crotch.

"My baby-makers!" Kai howled in pain, falling to the ground.

OK, I doubt any girl other than Mao would WANT to procreate with him, but better safe than sorry I guess.

"Saya's on that ship."

"How do you know?" Karman asked suspiciously. A resounding slap suddenly pierced the air.

"Dammit, Haji! When I said explore the ship, I didn't mean my underwear drawer!"

"But they're so frilly! How could I resist?"

Karman blushed, feeling foolish.


I mean really, you should have realized it the moment you said it that it was a stupid question.

"Hmmm…" Kai giggled in his sleep, drooling all over his pillow. "I don't know which voice I like most! Is it Togusa, from Ghost in the Shell, or is it Alucard, from Hellsing? I just can't decide!"

"Oh, Lord," Riku sighed heavily.

I could have said it better myself.

"Look, Crispin!"

"Where?" Kai shot off down the hall like he was on speed.

"Idiot," Riku muttered.

See previous.

"Where's Saya?"

"She's gone to bed," Haji told him. "…She kicked me out of the room." A single tear slowly slid down his cheek and shone in the soft rays of the moon.

"You probably deserved it," Riku pointed out.

Boy, Riku's on fire today, innit he?

"Something's…wrong…" she whispered quietly. Bullets whizzed in through her window, shattering the glass and the lamp on the nearby table. "Yes, something is not right…but what?"

"Saya! Enemy attack!" Haji cried, bashing the door open. Saya frowned.

"A-hah! That's what it is!"

Ol' "Lightning Wit" Saya strikes again.

"Where's Saya?" He hissed. The man coughed up blood and gurgled.

"In…in…guhhh…" the man expired before he could answer.

"Um, Moses?" Irene asked awkwardly as he threw the useless body aside. "Maybe you should ask before you kill them."

"Nonsense!" Moses scoffed, leaping forward to kill another man.

Hey, 1538th time's the charm, eh?

"RIKU!" Kai hollered as he appeared through the same door and saw his brother in danger. "…Can I have your iPod?"

"Huh?" Riku turned at the exact moment the Schiff struck, making him miss his mark by a mere inch.

"I totally meant for that to happen," Kai stated, whilst inwardly disappointed he wouldn't be getting Riku's player.

Don't worry Kai,it was crap anyways.

"Kai, go!" She called. Kai obediently whirled around and shot off. "And take Riku with you!"

"…I knew that," Kai muttered, hustling back to get Riku.


A huge tank rumbled up onto the battlefield, the top popping open and Louis peeking out.

"Is the fight over?" He asked. "Am I too late? DAMN, why do I always miss it?"

Louis's tank! Love dat thing.

"Thanks for trying to cheer me up," Riku said, "but…I'm like Haji now, aren't I? I'm gonna get all perverted, aren't I? Nooooo! I don't wanna!" He burst into tears, covering his face with his hands in shame.

"Oh, Riku…" Saya felt a pang of guilt.

"Man, why am I suddenly so thirsty?" Riku wondered aloud, lowering his hands and looking around. He caught sight of a dead body, blood pooled around it. "Anyone drinking that? No? Good, more for me!"

Well he sure coped with that fast.

"Riku, drink some of Kai's blood!" Saya ordered.

"Wha…no!" Riku shook his head in horror. "I could never-"

"He burned all your I Love New York DVDs."

Riku's eyes glowed red.

"Oh, shit." Kai gulped.

Well, he's [blur]ed.

Now, if I want cash to bribe someone to be my legal guardian, I'd best find a job then haven't I? I wonder if any of the big corporations are hiring?...
The Layman chapter 25 . 5/10/2012
Apparently the world, in fact, did not grow in size around me; I've just got the physique of an 11 year old. But on the bright side this means I've probably got at least a fifteen or so year extension on living!

Hope this body doesn't have any terminal illnesses... Anyways, on with the review!

Okamura suddenly bolted from the path and dashed up to the camera, shoving his face in it and adopting a terrified expression whilst also shining his flashlight up from underneath.

"Oh my god!" He said in a horrified whisper. "Oh my God I'm so scared! I don't know what's going on and-"

"Stop doing that stupid Blair Witch and get back here!" Mao snapped, grabbing him by the shirt and dragging him away from the camera.

"Yeah, I think we found her…" Okamura muttered darkly. Mao ignored him (making a mental note to kneecap him later for insolence).

Wow, her restraint is incredible! I'm surprised she didn't just deck him then and there.

"You know we wouldn't be lost if you hadn't picked a fight with our Sue-Sue and smashed the hell out of it."

"…She called me fat." Mao stated matter-of-factly, eyes still on the ground.

"She said turn left!"

"Well it sounded like an insult to me!" Mao huffed.

Mai could make "hello" sound like an insult in some way.

"Hey, I'll bet Kai was here!" Mao dropped to her hands and knees and sniffed at the ground. "A-ha! I found his scent!"

"Frickin' bloodhound…" Okamura muttered.

"What'd you call me?"

"I said- aw, hell. Who am I kidding?" Okamura glared at her. "You're a bitch! And I don't mean in the dog fashion."

Oh no he DI'N'T! *Z-snaps*

"Damn, what did these people do?" Mao whispered in horror. "Have a ketchup orgy?"

"Oh, this isn't ketchup," Okamura stated. "This is blood."

"Oh." Mao blinked. "AUUUUUUUUUGH!"

And that gray slimy stuff ain't old mashed potatoes, sista!

Later, Saya stood by the railing of the ship, sadly gazing out into the cold black waters of the ocean. Haji stood behind her, offering her his unyielding support.

"Wanna write emo poetry about your feelings and how life sucks?" He asked.

"God no," Saya gave him a look over her shoulder.

Again, jumping the gun a little bit there Saya?

"It's all my fault!" Saya sniffled. "Because of me, Riku will never be the same!"

"Well, let's look at the positive!" Haji suggested. "Maybe he'll be less annoying!" Saya stared at him, eyes wide.

"…Quick, someone mortally wound Kai, then I'll give him some of my blood!"

"Um…" Haji coughed awkwardly. "I really don't think that'd work…"

"Yeah, you're right…" Saya sighed and turned back to the railing. "Even I don't have that much blood…"

I don't think there's enough Chiro blood in the WORLD to make Kai less annoying.

...or less stupid.

She strutted down the table like it was a catwalk as Louis whistled and threw dollar bills at her.

"Hey!" David snapped at him, dragging Saya back down to her seat. "Underage!"

"Not technically," Louis pointed out.

"Ju…just shut up!"

He does have a point though...

"Can I give my report now?" Collins growled. David looked at him closely for the first time and gasped.

"D…daddy?" He whispered in awe. It was true, Collins did indeed look like David's long-lost father – the skeletal frame, the ruffled light hair, the bags under the eyes! My GOD they look alike!

"We've been over this before," Collins glared at David. "I'm NOT your damn father!"

Coulda fooled me.

"Is there a chance he'll go berserk when he wakes up?" Joel asked. Saya couldn't help but think of Riku's burnt I Love New York DVD's.

"God help us all…" She whispered to herself. "Or Kai, at least, because that was so not my fault."

Yeah, and I TOTALLY didn't suggest in the first place in a joking manner that Kai do that, nope!

"Well, I'll try," David shrugged and took a small sip. Immediately he crashed over backwards, passed out.

"Lightweight." Joel muttered, pouring himself another drink.

Hey, maybe something really demoralizing will happen that will give him the time to practice I just did it again, didn't I?

"I've done it!" She declared. "What no man has done before! I've created…the perfect bra for me! Look, it clips in the front!" She held up a large, scientific (and lacey!) looking bra for all to see. "It lifts, separates, and gives them a minty-fresh scent! I'm a genius! And look!" She pulled out a much smaller-looking bra of the same design. "I even made a mini one for Saya! Isn't it cute?"

The difference between the two bras was like comparing a mouse to an elephant.

"Oh, come on! They're not that big!" Julia argued. "…Alright, they are, you gotta problem with that? I don't think any of the male audience does!" She whirled around in her wheely chair and began tik-takkin' on her computer. "What was I doing again? Oh, yes. Trying to figure out why the hell David won't sleep with me."

So THAT'S where all our grant money is going...

Beep, beep!

"Hmm?" Julia glanced up as a computer on the other side of the room beeped. Pushing off with her feet, she sailed across the room on her wheely chair like a graceful ice-skater, that is, until she said hello to the potted plant that was in her way.

"Don't worry, I'm fine!" Julia struggled to her feet, adjusting her crooked glasses. "My boobs deployed just in time and broke my fall!"

Wait, they can do that? Hmm, maybe I should have held onto that other body a little bit longer...


Louis froze in place, then sloooowly turned around to stare at Kai.

"…It was him." Kai pointed at his free hand accusingly. Louis cracked his knuckles and began taking slow steps toward him. Kai shrieked like a girl. A girl getting sat upon by a very large black man. Oh, the humanity.

Did Ben Stein narrate this part or something?

"Was it really okay, what I did? Did I make the right choice? Maybe I should have-"

"Saya," Haji gently interrupted, "giving Riku your blood was the only way to save-"

"Riku?" Saya snorted. "I was talkin' about that candy bar I stole earlier! Sheesh!"

Um, yeah, you should have just went with it, Saya.

"Hmm, yes, that data…it seems that the doohickey of the whatchamacallit and the hibbidy-dibbidy are flurming."

"Yes, that's what I thought!" Julia agreed, continuing the scientific mumbo-jumbo. "That yorgi-shmorgi is just not right!"

They make Star Trek technobabble sound like an easy reader.

"It's an honor to be working under you!" Collins stared at her.

"…Could…could you say that one more time?" He asked slowly. "And lick your lips a little?" Julia gave him a stern look. "Er, I mean to say, I admire your honesty, Julia, but I admire your bust even more!"

There was an awkward silence.

"I should…probably go, huh?" Collins asked nervously.

"Yes. Yes you should." Julia opened the door for him to leave.

"Goodbye, boobs. Er, Julia! I meant Julia!"


Wrong twig man.

"Now come join the dark side and work for us!"

"Okay!" Collins agreed simply.

"Come on, we've got a great dental plan- what?"

"I said okay. I'll join you guys," Collins explained.

"R…really?" Mr. Argeno sounded doubtful. "But what about Red Shield?"

"Red Shield?" Collins scoffed. "Bleep Red Shield! I hope they all bleeping die! When can I start?"

There was a long silence over the phone. Finally Mr. Argeno spoke.

"Let me love you."

Has Crispin been taking awkward lessons from Louis?

"I'm scared," Mao whimpered, huddled on the bed of the hotel. Okamura scowled and looked up at her from the nearby chair.

"Oh, please," he snorted, "you don't have feelings."

"Will people stop saying that?" Mao exploded. "I do to! They're just…a little rusty!

OK, maybe a lot rusty...

"Now it's shower time!" She began pulling up her shirt as Okamura sputtered in surprise. Immediately the door burst open and the cop from a few episodes prior rolled in, grabbed hold of Okamura, and chucked him out the window.

"But she was the one who-" Okamura pleaded, broken glass in his face.

"I got two words for you," the cop growled. "Under. Age."

"…That's only one word."


"It's two," the cop said firmly, his gun barrel pressed against Okamura's brow.

"Yes, officer." Okamura knew better than to argue.

Letitgo man, just letitgo...

"Haji! Piss me off so I can try out my new sword!"

"Um…" Haji took several moments to think up an appropriate insult. "Diva's prettier than you."

A dead silence descended over the entire boat. Emphasis on DEAD.

"…I might have gone a liiiittle too far on that last one," Haji said quietly.

"Yeah, you might have," Saya agreed, then charged at him, screaming bloody murder.

Haji, you've done some stupid (and perverted) things in the past, but you just made Kai wish he was as stupid as you just were.

"Everyone, come quick!" David hollered across the boat, making everyone jump in surprise.

"What, you managed to keep something down?" Louis asked.


"It's a miracle!"

"M.J.'s back?" Kai gasped in delight.

"…Alright, someone shut him up," David said firmly.

"I'm on it." Louis began backing his hindquarters toward Kai for another sitting lesson while he shrieked in horror.

Yeah, he was kinda asking for that one.

Well, I guess I'll have to get use to not being able to get into as many establishments as I could when I was a fully recognized adult. Oh well, there are worse things to get use to.

'till next time!
The Layman chapter 24 . 4/30/2012
Good...GAWD it feels good to be a guy again! And just in time too; any longer and I wouldn't be able to hold my bladder together! (Now I've got at least another three or so hours.)

To celebrate, let's get to reviewing this chapter!

Crash! Clang! Slap!


As we can see, it's clearly off to a good start!

Following him to a craggy cliff, Haji leapt at the boy to tag him 'it'…and ran right into the cliff wall.

"Oh, hey, that wasn't so ba-"

The cliff crumbled and fell on him.

"Alright, now that one hurt a little."

"I win!" Solomon smirked in triumph, then sauntered up to the blood-covered piles of rocks to gloat. "Ooooh, my shoelace is untied!" He said innocently, lifting a leg and placing it atop the pile. Haji moaned in agony from underneath. "Ooooh, my other shoelace is untied!" Haji groaned in pain as Solomon put his other leg onto the pile. "Oooh, both my shoelaces are untied!"

"Screw you, girly man!"

Following up on that kiss from earlier, are we?

She opened her mouth, and a voice like a 500-pound Viking opera singer issued forth, reverberating throughout the room and all over the Zoo.

"Oh, come ON!" Saya scoffed. "How the hell can you have a voice like that, really? You're a 90-pound Japanese girl! Here, I'll prove it!" She stepped forward and yanked a 500-pound Viking opera singer out from behind Diva. "See? I knew you were lip-synching! She was behind you the whole time!"

"Er…" Diva hurriedly shoved the 500-pound Viking opera singer out of the tower via the nearest window (don't ask me how she fit). "I have no idea what you're talking about." She said innocently.

Mmhmm, suuuuure...

"Who the hell was the idiot who let you out in the first place?"

"It was you, Saya!" Diva laughed, trying to make Riku's body do a break-dance.

"Did…did I say idiot? I totally meant super awesome hot girl," Saya corrected sheepishly.

Are you sure you built yourself up enough? I don't think you mentioned your lovely shimmering hair yet.

"So, what'll you do if I let you out?"

"I'll…sing for you?" Diva answered.

"Eh…you're not that great," Saya frowned.

"…I'll give you candy."

"Hot damn! You're on!"

I never realized how easy to manipulate Saya is. Just wave a Twinkie in front of her and she'll do the can-can.

Finally reaching the mansion grounds, she stopped short and cupped her hands around her mouth to amplify her cry. "HEEEEEEELP! Emergency, people!" She screamed. "There's been an accident at the hills! We've…run out of DIP!"


"Ooooh, I'm first to the top, baby!" Kai crowed, turning to watch David struggle up the last of the steps. "LoooOOOOooooser!"

"The only reason you made it up first is because you tripped me!" David growled, halting next to Kai to catch his breath.


"I tumbled down eight flights of stairs!"


"I got a concussion!"


"…Yeah, forget it," David sighed and straightened.

No use arguing with stupid people, David.

"Riku? Hey, what's wrong? Wake up! Wake up, or I'll noogie you! Hey!" Riku lay there like the dead. "Damn, that usually works."

Maybe you should try threatening his I Love New York 2 DVDs, that ought to work.

Down at the bottom of the tower, Louis was just managing to push the 500-pound Viking opera singer off of him after she'd miraculously fallen from the sky.

"Okay, Viking lady!" He growled. "Number one, where did you come from? And number two, what're your digits, babe, so's I can phone ya?" He pulled out a pad of paper and began taking it down. "Hold on. 555…555- GWAAAGH!" He crashed back to the ground as now Saya landed on him. "…I hate Mondays."

"Sorry, Louis!" Saya cried, getting off him and stepping to the side. Immediately the ground beneath her crumbled and she fell down into the Zoo's sewage system. "I hate Mondays toooooo!" She called as she fell.

"Damn! Saya!" Louis looked up and came face-to-face with Diva, who'd just jumped down from the tower. She stared at him in awe.

"Whoa," she whispered. "I could live off you for weeks."

"Why, because I'm black?" Louis growled.

"…I'm not goin' there." Diva turned and leapt down into the sewer after Saya.

"…Hhhhhhate Mondays…" Louis grumbled to himself.

Diva landed down in the sewer, her feet sending ripples throughout the fetid water. Straightening, she cupped a hand around her mouth and called:

"Saya's got a fat aaaaaaass!" The insult echoed off the narrow stone walls, traveling down deep into the sewer. The reply came several moments later.

"I do noooooot!"

Diva smiled evilly and set off in the direction the cry had come from.


"Okay, seriously, Riku!" Kai ground out in a serious tone, "I'm done playing around! Wake up!" He held a lit match poised over a pile of oil-soaked I Love New York DVD's. "Don't make me do this, Riku! Just wake up!"

Whoa whoa whoa! I was just kidding before!

"Maybe his sight is based on movement, like a T-Rex. I sure as hell hope so."

"David, DO something!"

"Aww, hell. And I'm out of bullets, too."

See? I told you you'd need them to be ineffective against Chiropterans.

Looking up, she saw that she'd entered an old armory storage room, filled with ancient armor and swords, knives, weapons of every kind!

"What, no rocket launcher?" Saya complained, looking over the array of weapons. "This is an outrage!"

And I was told there'd be Nukes here as well! Am I seeing any nukes in front of me? NO! This was a total ripoff!

"Anyway, Saya. Diva's sorry for what she did-"

"No I'm not," Diva interrupted.

"-And she's apologized to you-"

"No I haven't."

"-And she promises not to do it again-"

"No I don't."

"-So can't you just find it in your heart to forgive her?"

No I can't.

"Alright, you know what?" Solomon sighed heavily and pulled out some popcorn and a lawn-chair. "Have at it, bitches." He reclined on the chair and munched his snack. "Try and rip each others clothes off, mmkay? And get all sweaty."

Saya and Diva met each other's gaze.

"Just this once?" Diva asked.

"Yeah," Saya agreed. "And we never speak of it again." The girls nodded, then both leapt for Solomon.

"Awww, mittens."

Not quite "Oh merde" levels, but still funny.

Saya charged her sister, but before reaching her doubled over in pain, clutching her stomach.

"Gaaah! The pain!" She groaned, falling to the ground. "M-menstrual cramps! I knew I shoulda taken some Midol!"

"Hey, I'm on the rag, too!" Diva said excitedly. "We really are twins!"

"Diiiiidn't need to hear that…" Solomon grumbled, staggering to his feet as his massive injuries healed.

Yoooooouuuuu said it poor man's version of Haji.

"Now I'm gonna kill you!" Diva declared, taking a step toward the vulnerable Saya.

"No, wait!" Solomon pleaded. "You can't kill her yet! Can…can I borrow her for, like…five minutes?"

"No." Diva said firmly.



"…Alright, one minute, but that's the best I can do-"

"I'm not letting you bang my sister so shut the hell up!"

I guess becoming a Chevalier means you loose the ability to take a frigging hint.

"Later, handsome!" Haji called mockingly, blowing him a kiss. Solomon grabbed Diva's arm and began dragging her away, blushing furiously.

"Shut the hell up!"

As much as it's creepy to see Haji pretend to be gay to get on Solomon's nerves, it's pretty funny to see Haji pretend to be gay to get on Solomon's nerves.

Leaping up as one, they both grabbed one of David's arms and hurled him off the top of the tower. They leaned on the parapet and watched him descend.

"…Is he…floating?" Kai asked, looking mildly disturbed.

"Damn skinny bastard."

I'm starting to see the logic in David's anorexia now...

"MOVE." Louis brushed past Kai and stood over Riku's thrashing form. Turning around, he then proceeded to sit down ON Riku, securely holding him in place. "He's not goin' anywhere."

But on the other hand...

"W…will he be okay?" Kai asked worriedly, though about Louis sitting on him or Saya's blood, I can't really be sure.

"We can only base this on similar cases," Louis grunted, staring meaningfully at Haji.

"…Yeaaaah, he's bleeped…" Kai sighed.

But hey, at least...I got nothin'.

Well, it felt good to review something as my original gender again. I just wish I knew when the world suddenly tripled in size around me...
The Layman chapter 23 . 4/30/2012
Well I finally found a place in the rurals of France that looks promising.

The bad news is there's a line out the door from here to the Eiffel Tower. Didn't I lose this kind of thing when I escaped the afterlife?

So while I'm in the line AGAIN let's dive in to reviewing the next chapter. It'll most certainly be off to a promising start-



"What the hell are you guys talking about?" Saya asked, walking up.

"Nothing," Haji replied smartly.

"Banging you," Solomon replied idiotically.

Am I the only one who sees Team Edward vs. Team Jacob here? (Also what little respect for Haji I have increased.)

"Good Lord, what did you eat?" Haji asked Saya curiously.

"What don't I eat?" Saya shot back. "Mind yo' business, boy."

She does have a point.

"Okay then. Saya, as I was saying before I was interrupted last episode…you could say that you are our mother, and our lover-"

"Okay," Saya interrupted again, "that's called incest."

"But I'm still bleepable, right?" Haji pitched in.

Aaaaaand there goes what little respect I had for Haji in the first place.

"Haji, seriously, shut the bleep up."

My thoughts exactly.

"Um…you're very pretty today."

"…Really?" Saya blushed modestly and gazed up at Solomon with a warm expression. Haji quickly became jealous.

"Oopsies! I dropped my cello case!" He declared, violently chucking his case to the ground and bending over to retrieve it. Saya didn't even give his upraised booty a glance. "It sure is hot in here!" Haji tried again, unbuttoning his shirt halfway. Still nothing. Time for some drastic measures. "…I have a Reeses."

"Damn, Haji, why didn't you say so before? Gimme!" Saya immediately leapt on him, searching his pockets for the promised candy bar. Haji smiled smugly at Solomon, who frowned.

Food: the forgotten sixth language of love.

"Eeek! I hate bats! They're in my hair!" He squealed between slaps. "They're in my HAIR!"

"LOUIS!" David roared. Louis froze mid-slap. "You don't HAVE hair."

"Oh. Right." Louis relaxed and lowered his arms. "Just like how you don't have a stomach!"

"Yes, that's exactly- HEY!" David snapped, offended. "I do to! It's right…here." He pointed to his left foot.

"No," Louis said.

"…Here?" David pointed at his right shoulder.

"No," Louis repeated.

"…Here?" David pointed at his crotch.

"Checkmate, bitch," Louis told him firmly. "I win."

I just effing love these guys; never a dull moment.

"I will keep you there until the end of time if I have to!"

"We need his help to find Saya," Louis stated.

"I will keep you there until right now!" David corrected, yanking open the door. "Get the hell out!"

Father of the year, that man.

"Now tell me, how do my legs look in these pantyhose?"

Collins stared.

"…Not shriveled and useless?"

"Thanks!" Joel beamed at him.

Give them a few more episodes...

"Here, I've got a Tide bleach pen! I keep it handy for when I'm done killing chiropterans!" She rushed up to Solomon and began squeaking the small pen against the huge, red stain.

"Why, thank you!" Solomon smiled. "How sweet. Look, it's starting to come out a little! Oh, and by the way, I'm Diva's chevalier."

"Oh, really?" Saya said blankly, intent on removing the stain. "That's niiiiiaaaaaaaugh!" She leapt away from Solomon in a flurry, mind suddenly processing what he'd just uttered.

It's like saying to someone, "My what a lovely day it is today, I'm a member of the Nazi party." It's completely out of left field and kinda creepy.

Well anyways, enough with the serious, back to the funny!

Haji, having had enough of the Saya-Solomon hints, shoved his mistress to the ground and SAT on her, barking all the while at Solomon like a rabid dog protecting his bone (I don't have to explain that one, do I?).

"Haji," Saya ground out from under him, "now is NOT the time to get territorial!"

"But you're my bitch!" Haji protested.

The world went silent.

"…I…I didn't mean it that way," Haji whispered, fear in his voice. "See, it's alright when I said it like that because by 'bitch', I meant female-"

"It's NEVER alright for you to say it!" Saya barked, shoving him off her and givin' his ass a beating.

And what could be more funny than this!

"HAJI!" Saya exploded, "Back the bleep off or I will MAKE you a woman!"

Haji quickly released her and scuttled away backwards.

...Except this.

"You and Diva were research subjects for Joel, an' that's why he kept you two here at the Zoo."

"Wha…I don't believe you!" Saya protested.

"How can you deny it?" Solomon pressed. Saya blinked.

"W…well…like this," she stated, then took a breath. "NO."


Mind blown.

"Sayaaa!" Kai hollered, coming to a halt and catching his breath. An idea suddenly formed in his cob-webbed mind. "Saya's a fat-ass!" He yelled, then closed his eyes and flinched for the coming retribution. When no punishment came, he slowly cracked open an eye, looked around, and relaxed. "Hmm! Guess she's not here!"

You got lucky that time...

Anyway, he reached out and grabbed a flower, smiling triumphantly at his…well, triumph.

"Hah! See, Saya?" He cried to no-one in particular. "I can do it! In your face!"


A bird suddenly couldn't hold it for any longer and so dropped its stinking load onto Haji's head, making him lose his grip and go tumbling down the cliff…again.

"Curse you, devil-biiiiiird!"

He's like Hanatarou Yamada from Bleach, only more horny.

"Hey, crows! Help me look for Saya, would you?"

The crowd didn't move.

Riku's eyes glowed red.

Immediately the birds took to the air, following their evil master's sinister orders with perfect obedience.

And then Riku went back to searching for his adopted sister, smiling and picking flowers as he went.

"Just forget about your fake family-"

"We've been over this before," Saya cut in wearily. "They aren't fake, just stupid."

Because that SO much better...

"Quick! Put your head between your legs! Take deeps breaths!" Solomon told her. Saya obeyed.

"It's not helping!"

"Hmm…perhaps if you put your head between my-"

"That won't help either!"

Yeah, I'm not touching that one.

"And remember to conserve your ammo!" He called after the boy.

"Yeah, yeah!" Kai yelled over his shoulder. "I gotcha!" He caught sight of some birds wheeling around in the sky above and gasped in delight. "Die, birds!"

Blam! Blam!

"KAI!" David roared. "I swear to the skinny gods I will shoot you in the ass!"

In the end David decided to just screw everyone and stay skinny.

Besides, he needs to save his ammo to be ineffective against Chiropterans, duh!

"Kissing me proves nothing! I'm not gay, I swear!"

"Just admit that you liked it!" Haji shot back.

"I did not!" Solomon fumed. "It was sloppy, it was gross, you got bad breath, yes I liked it! Now die!"

Well Nathan's gonna be happy.

"Is Saya here?" David asked Louis, running up to him. Louis gave him a look.

"Hang on, lemme check." He stood quietly for several seconds. "Nope!"

Well he's done all that he can do...

"…APS?" David asked dubiously.

"Yes, Annoying Person Searcher," Louis explained. "A. P. S. Get it?"

"But…that can be used to find us, too," David pointed out.

"Yeah, but for us, the A stands for awesome."

"Oh. Okay, then."

And the "S" must stand for Super then, huh?

Riku stood at the bottom on the tower, staring up at it and panting for breath. Damn! That was fast! He was, like, ten miles away from that place last time we saw him! How the hell did you do that, kid?

"Certainly not because I used my evil genius powers!" Riku said sweetly. He then twirled on his heel and began skipping up the steps of the tower, totally unaware of the danger above.

See? Didn't I totally call this?

Speaking of calling things, I think I hear my name being shouted. (I had the foresight to call ahead and reserve something in case I got stuck in a long line again.) When next we meet I should be my proper gender again!
The Layman chapter 22 . 4/25/2012
Trudging across the length and breath of France on foot might be boring as all crap (that's the last time I forget to buy an Ipod...), but it really is quite beautiful.

In fact, it reminds me of the time I reviewed chapter 22...

"Haji…" Saya said softly. Haji smiled. "…Are my arms broken?"

"…Um, no?"

"Then do like Ludacris and move, bitch, get out the way."

I don't care how many times I read that, it just never gets any less funny.

"And FYI, you tested positive for stupid."

"Oh, yeah, well…" Kai thought hard for a proper insult. "You tested positive for bi-" David gave him a dangerous look. "-eauuuutiful." Kai finished.

Nice save, Kai.

Elsewhere on the ship, Joel stared quietly at a thick diary and pocket-watch, deep in thought.

"What could he have meant about my legs?" He whispered softly to himself. "Oh, well! Time to go play kickball, and then some high-kicking in a chorus line! Whee!"

…The poor, poor man.

Also, third favorite character.

"Yeah, whatever," Saya sighed. "I'll just hold it until the end of this flashback."

"What flash- Gwaaaaaaagh!" Haji was bowled over as the flashback suddenly appeared and took over.

Yay, another flashback! These things are funny!

"What's up, hot stuff?" Haji asked, taking her hand and making out with it.

"…I think this might be a problem," Saya grumbled, retrieving her violated appendage and wiping it on her dress.

I think I need to wash my hand just READING that...

"How can I get along better with Haji?" She asked between brushstrokes.

"Well," Joel suggested. "How about teaching him to play-"

"The electric guitar?" Saya finished hopefully.

"Um…perhaps the cello would be more suitable?"


Squeeeeeeeeak! Dweeeeeeeek! Shrieeeeeeeek!

"Oh, that's horrible!" Saya gagged. "You call that music? I've heard better sounds from two cats mating! Why don't you just do yourself a favor and give up?"

"…Saya?" Haji interrupted politely.


"You're the one playing right now."

"Oh. Right." Saya blinked, looking down at the cello in her lap. "Here, you try it now!" She handed Haji the instrument and bow and settled back to watch. Haji sighed and began.

It was like he was Yo-Yo Ma's illegitimate love child.

…That…that means he was good. At the cello. Quite disturbingly so.

I was just laughing all the way through this.

The two companions quickly went looking for shelter as a sudden rainstorm brewed up, and were able to wait out the rest of the storm in a comfortable barn filled with hay.

"Um…Haji?" Saya coughed uncomfortably, having removed her dress and clad in nothing but her revealing shift (is that what it's called?). "You didn't have to take off your boxers, too. They were perfectly dry."

"Yeah, I know," Haji replied matter-of-factly. "I just didn't want to take any chances." He paused. "Although I am somewhat regretting my decision, as this harsh straw is wreaking havoc on my precious nether-regions."

"Okay, can we do another time-skip, please?" Saya called out. "This is getting weeeeird!"

Oh, NOW you notice?

"I don't wanna do the cello, Haji is already so much better than me!" She sighed as she sat down with the cello balanced on her knee.

"Oh, come on, Saya," Haji began. "You're not that ba-"

Kiiiiiiiiiill meeeeeeeeeee!

If the INSTRUMENT wants to die, you KNOW you're a terrible musician.

And it's also funny as crap.

"Haji…" She asked quietly. "Do you think I'm…creepy?"

There was a pause.

"…I think you're hot."

That pause was her realizing her mistake the moment she said it.

He stopped to catch his breath and glanced back on Saya, who was riding atop the cart's mountain of food.

"You're not seriously gonna eat all of this, are you?" He gulped, wiping his brow. Saya laughed.

"Oh, of course not, silly!" Haji breathed a sigh of relief. "These are just the appetizers! That's the main course." She pointed behind them at a horse-drawn wagon loaded with even more edibles.

"…The horse?" Haji ventured.

"Shut up and haul!"

Ah, fat jokes...

"No, not that one!" Saya complained from above. "The other, further away and potentially more dangerous one, duh!"

Isn't it always?

"Hey, Haji! I was able to get down here so quick because a found the cutest lil' trail that led to those flowers I wanted, then all the way down here! Cool, huh? Sure hope it doesn't come back to haunt me!"

Oh no, not at all...

Gathering her skirts, she tossed her head and dashed back to Joel's mansion. Imagine her surprise to find it wreathed with flames, slain people laying here and there on the ground.

"Hey, who started the party without me?" Saya asked, the hurt clear in her voice. "That's just rude! Oh, and by the way, Haji's, like, dead or something over at the cliffs. Totally not my fault. Anyone gonna help? Anyone?" No-one responded, because they were all dead. "You're all a bunch of jerks."

Being dead like that...only thinking about yourselves!

"I'm the one who made you the way you are…"

"What, you mean the ageless, hot-ass sexy-man?" Haji asked.

"No! I mean your perversity!" Saya corrected. "Gawd, how can I live with myself?"

You think that's bad? Just wait until you realize that rest of us have to put up with it as well! How will you sleep at night knowing YOU'RE responsible for 67% (the other 33% is natural disasters, sickness, general violence, and Kai's stupidity.) of the world's suffering?

*back in present* Yeah, those were the days... Well, back to that hunt for a body. See you next time!
786 | Page 1 2 3 4 11 .. Last Next »