Reviews for Blood Minus
Avalos Altair chapter 30 . 11/6/2014
Wow all I have to say I feel sorry for the Blood Minus Joel VI more than his official counterpart.
DivaTepes chapter 1 . 11/10/2013
Okay here is a fanfic challenge for u. It involves Diva. She like Saya abut has sadomasochistic side. It's also a god-like fanfic. She was instead raised by Ophis from Highschool DxD and given flesh of Great Red. She still possesses her powers from Blood plus but also gains the Witchblade, powers from W.I.T.C.H, Fairy Tail along with Mirajane Satan soul, seven deadly sins along with alchemy from fullmetal alchemist, Vampires from Rosario vampire, Highschool DxD Dragon power along similar power of destruction like Rias, fallen angel powers and a Cerberus, Pegasus, and Dragon familiar. She dresses different, has an Ouroboros tattoo over her sternum above cleavage, has measurements of B99/W61/H92, Alexei is still alive, and pairing can be Diva x Vali Lucifer, Diva x Kai Miyagusuku, Diva x Vali x Kai or Diva x Male harem. Also Raynare, Millet, Kalamire, and Donasheek are alive and serve her, Calypso raised her and she has met many mythological people including Greek gods.
TeeLee-Sensei chapter 1 . 11/1/2013
I LOVE THIS STORY! I LOVE THE FRENCH GUY'S ACCENT & HIS MOUSE JOKES! I STARTED LAUGHING AT JULIA'S BOOBS & COULDN'T STOP UNTIL THE CHAPTER ENDED! LOVE! LOVE! LOVE! This is definitely my second favorite fanfiction story on this whole site( if it was dragonballz related, then it would've been 1st)! Blood plus would've been so much better if it went like this story :)
Anime fan chapter 1 . 8/27/2013
Its really stupid and not funny at all. Its just weird. : (
wanna see a trick chapter 9 . 7/21/2013
sheʻs got a bad case of "the bitch" lol
ANIME-NICA chapter 8 . 4/22/2013
HAHAHAHA! this stufs awesome!
Dawen123 chapter 4 . 11/12/2012
I've recently discovered this website and set up an account, and I wondered to myself if they had a fanfic of my first time anime show...And sure enough, I found this.

This crap is so frekin hilarious, dude! If I had a million dollars, I'll have the company make a show about this!

You're material is a wonder man!
The Layman chapter 26 . 5/11/2012
Rule of thumb when globetrotting as a minor: Make sure you have a parent to travel with. And if not, then make sure you have enough money to hire someone to pretend to be your parent. Otherwise, you'll probably have a pretty hard time getting through customs.

It also might help if you have a valid passport. Just saying.

Now on with the review!

"Um, where's Saya?" Riku interrupted nervously. "I have the sudden urge to…smack her fanny."

Yep, he a Chevalier alright.

"Congratulation, Riku," she told him cheerfully. "The operation was a success. You're now a woman."

"What?" Riku leapt to his feet and quickly yanked down his pants to see if it was true. It apparently wasn't, because he was still quite male (despite what others believe).

"Just kidding!" Julia giggled. "It was a joke! Riku? Riku!" Riku was hyperventilating. "Breath, Riku, breath!"

Forget smoking, Julia Punking people is dangerous!

The door to the ward opened and Kai strode in. He stopped dead upon seeing his little brother standing on the bed with his pants down. After several long, awkward moments of staring, he slowly unzipped his pants and pulled them down as well.

"Kai, pull your damn pants back up!" Julia snapped. "You too, Riku!"

"I was just trying to fit in!" Kai sobbed, yanking his pants back up.

Did we REALLY have to see that? HAJI nude was bad enough...

"James?" Solomon asked, voice full of curiosity. "Do you think brother Amshel is…hiding something?"

"What, like a vagina?" James ventured. "Because if he really was a woman, it would explain his lower eyelashes…"

"Yeah, good point," Solomon agreed. "They're really- NO! What I meant was the Schiff!"

"…Bless…you…?" James frowned, utterly confused.

These guys need their own sitcom.

"Hey guys, how's it going?" Louis greeted, wandering over.

"Hang on," Kai began, "lemme phone the forklift so they can get you your meal-"

Louis smashed a chair over Kai's head.

At least he didn't make a black joke this time.

"Doesn't Kai know Riku doesn't need food or sleep anymore?" David growled, having heard of Kai's complaints from Louis.

"I dunno," Louis shrugged, "but let me tell you this: I ain't NEVER becoming a chevalier. Those are my two favorite things. Hell, I eat IN my sleep."

"What about hoing?" David pointed out.

"That's third, man."

Louis just has the best lines ever, man!

"Yes," Julia nodded sadly. "He's still a…minor character!"

THE HUMANITY!

"Hey! Didn't we just re-use a joke from the last episode?"

"Well, yes," Haji agreed, inching away from her. "But it's more eco-friendly to the environment that way!"

"We aren't toilet-paper!"

"I wish I was! Maybe then I'd get close to your ass!"

OK, that was the KING of all bad groaners. Achievement; earned.

"Did you push him down the stairs?"

"No- he, okay," Kai sputtered, brain going on overdrive to think up a plausible excuse/lie, "what I- no, okay- no, he just- okay, okay, he-" Kai paused for a long moment before answering. "Yes."

"Alrighty then." Saya said simply, then kicked him in the crotch.

"My baby-makers!" Kai howled in pain, falling to the ground.

OK, I doubt any girl other than Mao would WANT to procreate with him, but better safe than sorry I guess.

"Saya's on that ship."

"How do you know?" Karman asked suspiciously. A resounding slap suddenly pierced the air.

"Dammit, Haji! When I said explore the ship, I didn't mean my underwear drawer!"

"But they're so frilly! How could I resist?"

Karman blushed, feeling foolish.

"…OH."

I mean really, you should have realized it the moment you said it that it was a stupid question.

"Hmmm…" Kai giggled in his sleep, drooling all over his pillow. "I don't know which voice I like most! Is it Togusa, from Ghost in the Shell, or is it Alucard, from Hellsing? I just can't decide!"

"Oh, Lord," Riku sighed heavily.

I could have said it better myself.

"Look, Crispin!"

"Where?" Kai shot off down the hall like he was on speed.

"Idiot," Riku muttered.

See previous.

"Where's Saya?"

"She's gone to bed," Haji told him. "…She kicked me out of the room." A single tear slowly slid down his cheek and shone in the soft rays of the moon.

"You probably deserved it," Riku pointed out.

Boy, Riku's on fire today, innit he?

"Something's…wrong…" she whispered quietly. Bullets whizzed in through her window, shattering the glass and the lamp on the nearby table. "Yes, something is not right…but what?"

"Saya! Enemy attack!" Haji cried, bashing the door open. Saya frowned.

"A-hah! That's what it is!"

Ol' "Lightning Wit" Saya strikes again.

"Where's Saya?" He hissed. The man coughed up blood and gurgled.

"In…in…guhhh…" the man expired before he could answer.

"Um, Moses?" Irene asked awkwardly as he threw the useless body aside. "Maybe you should ask before you kill them."

"Nonsense!" Moses scoffed, leaping forward to kill another man.

Hey, 1538th time's the charm, eh?

"RIKU!" Kai hollered as he appeared through the same door and saw his brother in danger. "…Can I have your iPod?"

"Huh?" Riku turned at the exact moment the Schiff struck, making him miss his mark by a mere inch.

"I totally meant for that to happen," Kai stated, whilst inwardly disappointed he wouldn't be getting Riku's player.

Don't worry Kai,it was crap anyways.

"Kai, go!" She called. Kai obediently whirled around and shot off. "And take Riku with you!"

"…I knew that," Kai muttered, hustling back to get Riku.

D'oh!

A huge tank rumbled up onto the battlefield, the top popping open and Louis peeking out.

"Is the fight over?" He asked. "Am I too late? DAMN, why do I always miss it?"

Louis's tank! Love dat thing.

"Thanks for trying to cheer me up," Riku said, "but…I'm like Haji now, aren't I? I'm gonna get all perverted, aren't I? Nooooo! I don't wanna!" He burst into tears, covering his face with his hands in shame.

"Oh, Riku…" Saya felt a pang of guilt.

"Man, why am I suddenly so thirsty?" Riku wondered aloud, lowering his hands and looking around. He caught sight of a dead body, blood pooled around it. "Anyone drinking that? No? Good, more for me!"

Well he sure coped with that fast.

"Riku, drink some of Kai's blood!" Saya ordered.

"Wha…no!" Riku shook his head in horror. "I could never-"

"He burned all your I Love New York DVDs."

Riku's eyes glowed red.

"Oh, shit." Kai gulped.

Well, he's [blur]ed.

Now, if I want cash to bribe someone to be my legal guardian, I'd best find a job then haven't I? I wonder if any of the big corporations are hiring?...
The Layman chapter 25 . 5/10/2012
Apparently the world, in fact, did not grow in size around me; I've just got the physique of an 11 year old. But on the bright side this means I've probably got at least a fifteen or so year extension on living!

Hope this body doesn't have any terminal illnesses... Anyways, on with the review!

Okamura suddenly bolted from the path and dashed up to the camera, shoving his face in it and adopting a terrified expression whilst also shining his flashlight up from underneath.

"Oh my god!" He said in a horrified whisper. "Oh my God I'm so scared! I don't know what's going on and-"

"Stop doing that stupid Blair Witch and get back here!" Mao snapped, grabbing him by the shirt and dragging him away from the camera.

"Yeah, I think we found her…" Okamura muttered darkly. Mao ignored him (making a mental note to kneecap him later for insolence).

Wow, her restraint is incredible! I'm surprised she didn't just deck him then and there.

"You know we wouldn't be lost if you hadn't picked a fight with our Sue-Sue and smashed the hell out of it."

"…She called me fat." Mao stated matter-of-factly, eyes still on the ground.

"She said turn left!"

"Well it sounded like an insult to me!" Mao huffed.

Mai could make "hello" sound like an insult in some way.

"Hey, I'll bet Kai was here!" Mao dropped to her hands and knees and sniffed at the ground. "A-ha! I found his scent!"

"Frickin' bloodhound…" Okamura muttered.

"What'd you call me?"

"I said- aw, hell. Who am I kidding?" Okamura glared at her. "You're a bitch! And I don't mean in the dog fashion."

Oh no he DI'N'T! *Z-snaps*

"Damn, what did these people do?" Mao whispered in horror. "Have a ketchup orgy?"

"Oh, this isn't ketchup," Okamura stated. "This is blood."

"Oh." Mao blinked. "AUUUUUUUUUGH!"

And that gray slimy stuff ain't old mashed potatoes, sista!

Later, Saya stood by the railing of the ship, sadly gazing out into the cold black waters of the ocean. Haji stood behind her, offering her his unyielding support.

"Wanna write emo poetry about your feelings and how life sucks?" He asked.

"God no," Saya gave him a look over her shoulder.

Again, jumping the gun a little bit there Saya?

"It's all my fault!" Saya sniffled. "Because of me, Riku will never be the same!"

"Well, let's look at the positive!" Haji suggested. "Maybe he'll be less annoying!" Saya stared at him, eyes wide.

"…Quick, someone mortally wound Kai, then I'll give him some of my blood!"

"Um…" Haji coughed awkwardly. "I really don't think that'd work…"

"Yeah, you're right…" Saya sighed and turned back to the railing. "Even I don't have that much blood…"

I don't think there's enough Chiro blood in the WORLD to make Kai less annoying.

...or less stupid.

She strutted down the table like it was a catwalk as Louis whistled and threw dollar bills at her.

"Hey!" David snapped at him, dragging Saya back down to her seat. "Underage!"

"Not technically," Louis pointed out.

"Ju…just shut up!"

He does have a point though...

"Can I give my report now?" Collins growled. David looked at him closely for the first time and gasped.

"D…daddy?" He whispered in awe. It was true, Collins did indeed look like David's long-lost father – the skeletal frame, the ruffled light hair, the bags under the eyes! My GOD they look alike!

"We've been over this before," Collins glared at David. "I'm NOT your damn father!"

Coulda fooled me.

"Is there a chance he'll go berserk when he wakes up?" Joel asked. Saya couldn't help but think of Riku's burnt I Love New York DVD's.

"God help us all…" She whispered to herself. "Or Kai, at least, because that was so not my fault."

Yeah, and I TOTALLY didn't suggest in the first place in a joking manner that Kai do that, nope!

"Well, I'll try," David shrugged and took a small sip. Immediately he crashed over backwards, passed out.

"Lightweight." Joel muttered, pouring himself another drink.

Hey, maybe something really demoralizing will happen that will give him the time to practice I just did it again, didn't I?

"I've done it!" She declared. "What no man has done before! I've created…the perfect bra for me! Look, it clips in the front!" She held up a large, scientific (and lacey!) looking bra for all to see. "It lifts, separates, and gives them a minty-fresh scent! I'm a genius! And look!" She pulled out a much smaller-looking bra of the same design. "I even made a mini one for Saya! Isn't it cute?"

The difference between the two bras was like comparing a mouse to an elephant.

"Oh, come on! They're not that big!" Julia argued. "…Alright, they are, you gotta problem with that? I don't think any of the male audience does!" She whirled around in her wheely chair and began tik-takkin' on her computer. "What was I doing again? Oh, yes. Trying to figure out why the hell David won't sleep with me."

So THAT'S where all our grant money is going...

Beep, beep!

"Hmm?" Julia glanced up as a computer on the other side of the room beeped. Pushing off with her feet, she sailed across the room on her wheely chair like a graceful ice-skater, that is, until she said hello to the potted plant that was in her way.

"Don't worry, I'm fine!" Julia struggled to her feet, adjusting her crooked glasses. "My boobs deployed just in time and broke my fall!"

Wait, they can do that? Hmm, maybe I should have held onto that other body a little bit longer...

"Fat-ass!"

Louis froze in place, then sloooowly turned around to stare at Kai.

"…It was him." Kai pointed at his free hand accusingly. Louis cracked his knuckles and began taking slow steps toward him. Kai shrieked like a girl. A girl getting sat upon by a very large black man. Oh, the humanity.

Did Ben Stein narrate this part or something?

"Was it really okay, what I did? Did I make the right choice? Maybe I should have-"

"Saya," Haji gently interrupted, "giving Riku your blood was the only way to save-"

"Riku?" Saya snorted. "I was talkin' about that candy bar I stole earlier! Sheesh!"

Um, yeah, you should have just went with it, Saya.

"Hmm, yes, that data…it seems that the doohickey of the whatchamacallit and the hibbidy-dibbidy are flurming."

"Yes, that's what I thought!" Julia agreed, continuing the scientific mumbo-jumbo. "That yorgi-shmorgi is just not right!"

They make Star Trek technobabble sound like an easy reader.

"It's an honor to be working under you!" Collins stared at her.

"…Could…could you say that one more time?" He asked slowly. "And lick your lips a little?" Julia gave him a stern look. "Er, I mean to say, I admire your honesty, Julia, but I admire your bust even more!"

There was an awkward silence.

"I should…probably go, huh?" Collins asked nervously.

"Yes. Yes you should." Julia opened the door for him to leave.

"Goodbye, boobs. Er, Julia! I meant Julia!"

"GO!"

Wrong twig man.

"Now come join the dark side and work for us!"

"Okay!" Collins agreed simply.

"Come on, we've got a great dental plan- what?"

"I said okay. I'll join you guys," Collins explained.

"R…really?" Mr. Argeno sounded doubtful. "But what about Red Shield?"

"Red Shield?" Collins scoffed. "Bleep Red Shield! I hope they all bleeping die! When can I start?"

There was a long silence over the phone. Finally Mr. Argeno spoke.

"Let me love you."

Has Crispin been taking awkward lessons from Louis?

"I'm scared," Mao whimpered, huddled on the bed of the hotel. Okamura scowled and looked up at her from the nearby chair.

"Oh, please," he snorted, "you don't have feelings."

"Will people stop saying that?" Mao exploded. "I do to! They're just…a little rusty!

OK, maybe a lot rusty...

"Now it's shower time!" She began pulling up her shirt as Okamura sputtered in surprise. Immediately the door burst open and the cop from a few episodes prior rolled in, grabbed hold of Okamura, and chucked him out the window.

"But she was the one who-" Okamura pleaded, broken glass in his face.

"I got two words for you," the cop growled. "Under. Age."

"…That's only one word."

Click.

"It's two," the cop said firmly, his gun barrel pressed against Okamura's brow.

"Yes, officer." Okamura knew better than to argue.

Letitgo man, just letitgo...

"Haji! Piss me off so I can try out my new sword!"

"Um…" Haji took several moments to think up an appropriate insult. "Diva's prettier than you."

A dead silence descended over the entire boat. Emphasis on DEAD.

"…I might have gone a liiiittle too far on that last one," Haji said quietly.

"Yeah, you might have," Saya agreed, then charged at him, screaming bloody murder.

Haji, you've done some stupid (and perverted) things in the past, but you just made Kai wish he was as stupid as you just were.

"Everyone, come quick!" David hollered across the boat, making everyone jump in surprise.

"What, you managed to keep something down?" Louis asked.

ZING!

"It's a miracle!"

"M.J.'s back?" Kai gasped in delight.

"…Alright, someone shut him up," David said firmly.

"I'm on it." Louis began backing his hindquarters toward Kai for another sitting lesson while he shrieked in horror.

Yeah, he was kinda asking for that one.

Well, I guess I'll have to get use to not being able to get into as many establishments as I could when I was a fully recognized adult. Oh well, there are worse things to get use to.

'till next time!
The Layman chapter 24 . 4/30/2012
Good...GAWD it feels good to be a guy again! And just in time too; any longer and I wouldn't be able to hold my bladder together! (Now I've got at least another three or so hours.)

To celebrate, let's get to reviewing this chapter!

Crash! Clang! Slap!

"Owchies!"

As we can see, it's clearly off to a good start!

Following him to a craggy cliff, Haji leapt at the boy to tag him 'it'…and ran right into the cliff wall.

"Oh, hey, that wasn't so ba-"

The cliff crumbled and fell on him.

"Alright, now that one hurt a little."

"I win!" Solomon smirked in triumph, then sauntered up to the blood-covered piles of rocks to gloat. "Ooooh, my shoelace is untied!" He said innocently, lifting a leg and placing it atop the pile. Haji moaned in agony from underneath. "Ooooh, my other shoelace is untied!" Haji groaned in pain as Solomon put his other leg onto the pile. "Oooh, both my shoelaces are untied!"

"Screw you, girly man!"

Following up on that kiss from earlier, are we?

She opened her mouth, and a voice like a 500-pound Viking opera singer issued forth, reverberating throughout the room and all over the Zoo.

"Oh, come ON!" Saya scoffed. "How the hell can you have a voice like that, really? You're a 90-pound Japanese girl! Here, I'll prove it!" She stepped forward and yanked a 500-pound Viking opera singer out from behind Diva. "See? I knew you were lip-synching! She was behind you the whole time!"

"Er…" Diva hurriedly shoved the 500-pound Viking opera singer out of the tower via the nearest window (don't ask me how she fit). "I have no idea what you're talking about." She said innocently.

Mmhmm, suuuuure...

"Who the hell was the idiot who let you out in the first place?"

"It was you, Saya!" Diva laughed, trying to make Riku's body do a break-dance.

"Did…did I say idiot? I totally meant super awesome hot girl," Saya corrected sheepishly.

Are you sure you built yourself up enough? I don't think you mentioned your lovely shimmering hair yet.

"So, what'll you do if I let you out?"

"I'll…sing for you?" Diva answered.

"Eh…you're not that great," Saya frowned.

"…I'll give you candy."

"Hot damn! You're on!"

I never realized how easy to manipulate Saya is. Just wave a Twinkie in front of her and she'll do the can-can.

Finally reaching the mansion grounds, she stopped short and cupped her hands around her mouth to amplify her cry. "HEEEEEEELP! Emergency, people!" She screamed. "There's been an accident at the hills! We've…run out of DIP!"

...THE HORROR!

"Ooooh, I'm first to the top, baby!" Kai crowed, turning to watch David struggle up the last of the steps. "LoooOOOOooooser!"

"The only reason you made it up first is because you tripped me!" David growled, halting next to Kai to catch his breath.

"So?"

"I tumbled down eight flights of stairs!"

"So?"

"I got a concussion!"

"So?"

"…Yeah, forget it," David sighed and straightened.

No use arguing with stupid people, David.

"Riku? Hey, what's wrong? Wake up! Wake up, or I'll noogie you! Hey!" Riku lay there like the dead. "Damn, that usually works."

Maybe you should try threatening his I Love New York 2 DVDs, that ought to work.

Down at the bottom of the tower, Louis was just managing to push the 500-pound Viking opera singer off of him after she'd miraculously fallen from the sky.

"Okay, Viking lady!" He growled. "Number one, where did you come from? And number two, what're your digits, babe, so's I can phone ya?" He pulled out a pad of paper and began taking it down. "Hold on. 555…555- GWAAAGH!" He crashed back to the ground as now Saya landed on him. "…I hate Mondays."

"Sorry, Louis!" Saya cried, getting off him and stepping to the side. Immediately the ground beneath her crumbled and she fell down into the Zoo's sewage system. "I hate Mondays toooooo!" She called as she fell.

"Damn! Saya!" Louis looked up and came face-to-face with Diva, who'd just jumped down from the tower. She stared at him in awe.

"Whoa," she whispered. "I could live off you for weeks."

"Why, because I'm black?" Louis growled.

"…I'm not goin' there." Diva turned and leapt down into the sewer after Saya.

"…Hhhhhhate Mondays…" Louis grumbled to himself.

Diva landed down in the sewer, her feet sending ripples throughout the fetid water. Straightening, she cupped a hand around her mouth and called:

"Saya's got a fat aaaaaaass!" The insult echoed off the narrow stone walls, traveling down deep into the sewer. The reply came several moments later.

"I do noooooot!"

Diva smiled evilly and set off in the direction the cry had come from.

I NEVER STOPPED LAUGHING DURING THIS.

"Okay, seriously, Riku!" Kai ground out in a serious tone, "I'm done playing around! Wake up!" He held a lit match poised over a pile of oil-soaked I Love New York DVD's. "Don't make me do this, Riku! Just wake up!"

Whoa whoa whoa! I was just kidding before!

"Maybe his sight is based on movement, like a T-Rex. I sure as hell hope so."

"David, DO something!"

"Aww, hell. And I'm out of bullets, too."

See? I told you you'd need them to be ineffective against Chiropterans.

Looking up, she saw that she'd entered an old armory storage room, filled with ancient armor and swords, knives, weapons of every kind!

"What, no rocket launcher?" Saya complained, looking over the array of weapons. "This is an outrage!"

And I was told there'd be Nukes here as well! Am I seeing any nukes in front of me? NO! This was a total ripoff!

"Anyway, Saya. Diva's sorry for what she did-"

"No I'm not," Diva interrupted.

"-And she's apologized to you-"

"No I haven't."

"-And she promises not to do it again-"

"No I don't."

"-So can't you just find it in your heart to forgive her?"

No I can't.

"Alright, you know what?" Solomon sighed heavily and pulled out some popcorn and a lawn-chair. "Have at it, bitches." He reclined on the chair and munched his snack. "Try and rip each others clothes off, mmkay? And get all sweaty."

Saya and Diva met each other's gaze.

"Just this once?" Diva asked.

"Yeah," Saya agreed. "And we never speak of it again." The girls nodded, then both leapt for Solomon.

"Awww, mittens."

Not quite "Oh merde" levels, but still funny.

Saya charged her sister, but before reaching her doubled over in pain, clutching her stomach.

"Gaaah! The pain!" She groaned, falling to the ground. "M-menstrual cramps! I knew I shoulda taken some Midol!"

"Hey, I'm on the rag, too!" Diva said excitedly. "We really are twins!"

"Diiiiidn't need to hear that…" Solomon grumbled, staggering to his feet as his massive injuries healed.

Yoooooouuuuu said it poor man's version of Haji.

"Now I'm gonna kill you!" Diva declared, taking a step toward the vulnerable Saya.

"No, wait!" Solomon pleaded. "You can't kill her yet! Can…can I borrow her for, like…five minutes?"

"No." Diva said firmly.

"…Three?"

"No!"

"…Alright, one minute, but that's the best I can do-"

"I'm not letting you bang my sister so shut the hell up!"

I guess becoming a Chevalier means you loose the ability to take a frigging hint.

"Later, handsome!" Haji called mockingly, blowing him a kiss. Solomon grabbed Diva's arm and began dragging her away, blushing furiously.

"Shut the hell up!"

As much as it's creepy to see Haji pretend to be gay to get on Solomon's nerves, it's pretty funny to see Haji pretend to be gay to get on Solomon's nerves.

Leaping up as one, they both grabbed one of David's arms and hurled him off the top of the tower. They leaned on the parapet and watched him descend.

"…Is he…floating?" Kai asked, looking mildly disturbed.

"Damn skinny bastard."

I'm starting to see the logic in David's anorexia now...

"MOVE." Louis brushed past Kai and stood over Riku's thrashing form. Turning around, he then proceeded to sit down ON Riku, securely holding him in place. "He's not goin' anywhere."

But on the other hand...

"W…will he be okay?" Kai asked worriedly, though about Louis sitting on him or Saya's blood, I can't really be sure.

"We can only base this on similar cases," Louis grunted, staring meaningfully at Haji.

"…Yeaaaah, he's bleeped…" Kai sighed.

But hey, at least...I got nothin'.

Well, it felt good to review something as my original gender again. I just wish I knew when the world suddenly tripled in size around me...
The Layman chapter 23 . 4/30/2012
Well I finally found a place in the rurals of France that looks promising.

The bad news is there's a line out the door from here to the Eiffel Tower. Didn't I lose this kind of thing when I escaped the afterlife?

So while I'm in the line AGAIN let's dive in to reviewing the next chapter. It'll most certainly be off to a promising start-

Fluuuuuuuush!

...subtle.

"What the hell are you guys talking about?" Saya asked, walking up.

"Nothing," Haji replied smartly.

"Banging you," Solomon replied idiotically.

Am I the only one who sees Team Edward vs. Team Jacob here? (Also what little respect for Haji I have increased.)

"Good Lord, what did you eat?" Haji asked Saya curiously.

"What don't I eat?" Saya shot back. "Mind yo' business, boy."

She does have a point.

"Okay then. Saya, as I was saying before I was interrupted last episode…you could say that you are our mother, and our lover-"

"Okay," Saya interrupted again, "that's called incest."

"But I'm still bleepable, right?" Haji pitched in.

Aaaaaand there goes what little respect I had for Haji in the first place.

"Haji, seriously, shut the bleep up."

My thoughts exactly.

"Um…you're very pretty today."

"…Really?" Saya blushed modestly and gazed up at Solomon with a warm expression. Haji quickly became jealous.

"Oopsies! I dropped my cello case!" He declared, violently chucking his case to the ground and bending over to retrieve it. Saya didn't even give his upraised booty a glance. "It sure is hot in here!" Haji tried again, unbuttoning his shirt halfway. Still nothing. Time for some drastic measures. "…I have a Reeses."

"Damn, Haji, why didn't you say so before? Gimme!" Saya immediately leapt on him, searching his pockets for the promised candy bar. Haji smiled smugly at Solomon, who frowned.

Food: the forgotten sixth language of love.

"Eeek! I hate bats! They're in my hair!" He squealed between slaps. "They're in my HAIR!"

"LOUIS!" David roared. Louis froze mid-slap. "You don't HAVE hair."

"Oh. Right." Louis relaxed and lowered his arms. "Just like how you don't have a stomach!"

"Yes, that's exactly- HEY!" David snapped, offended. "I do to! It's right…here." He pointed to his left foot.

"No," Louis said.

"…Here?" David pointed at his right shoulder.

"No," Louis repeated.

"…Here?" David pointed at his crotch.

"Checkmate, bitch," Louis told him firmly. "I win."

I just effing love these guys; never a dull moment.

"I will keep you there until the end of time if I have to!"

"We need his help to find Saya," Louis stated.

"I will keep you there until right now!" David corrected, yanking open the door. "Get the hell out!"

Father of the year, that man.

"Now tell me, how do my legs look in these pantyhose?"

Collins stared.

"…Not shriveled and useless?"

"Thanks!" Joel beamed at him.

Give them a few more episodes...

"Here, I've got a Tide bleach pen! I keep it handy for when I'm done killing chiropterans!" She rushed up to Solomon and began squeaking the small pen against the huge, red stain.

"Why, thank you!" Solomon smiled. "How sweet. Look, it's starting to come out a little! Oh, and by the way, I'm Diva's chevalier."

"Oh, really?" Saya said blankly, intent on removing the stain. "That's niiiiiaaaaaaaugh!" She leapt away from Solomon in a flurry, mind suddenly processing what he'd just uttered.

It's like saying to someone, "My what a lovely day it is today, I'm a member of the Nazi party." It's completely out of left field and kinda creepy.

Well anyways, enough with the serious, back to the funny!

Haji, having had enough of the Saya-Solomon hints, shoved his mistress to the ground and SAT on her, barking all the while at Solomon like a rabid dog protecting his bone (I don't have to explain that one, do I?).

"Haji," Saya ground out from under him, "now is NOT the time to get territorial!"

"But you're my bitch!" Haji protested.

The world went silent.

"…I…I didn't mean it that way," Haji whispered, fear in his voice. "See, it's alright when I said it like that because by 'bitch', I meant female-"

"It's NEVER alright for you to say it!" Saya barked, shoving him off her and givin' his ass a beating.

And what could be more funny than this!

"HAJI!" Saya exploded, "Back the bleep off or I will MAKE you a woman!"

Haji quickly released her and scuttled away backwards.

...Except this.

"You and Diva were research subjects for Joel, an' that's why he kept you two here at the Zoo."

"Wha…I don't believe you!" Saya protested.

"How can you deny it?" Solomon pressed. Saya blinked.

"W…well…like this," she stated, then took a breath. "NO."

"Touché."

Mind blown.

"Sayaaa!" Kai hollered, coming to a halt and catching his breath. An idea suddenly formed in his cob-webbed mind. "Saya's a fat-ass!" He yelled, then closed his eyes and flinched for the coming retribution. When no punishment came, he slowly cracked open an eye, looked around, and relaxed. "Hmm! Guess she's not here!"

You got lucky that time...

Anyway, he reached out and grabbed a flower, smiling triumphantly at his…well, triumph.

"Hah! See, Saya?" He cried to no-one in particular. "I can do it! In your face!"

Splat!

A bird suddenly couldn't hold it for any longer and so dropped its stinking load onto Haji's head, making him lose his grip and go tumbling down the cliff…again.

"Curse you, devil-biiiiiird!"

He's like Hanatarou Yamada from Bleach, only more horny.

"Hey, crows! Help me look for Saya, would you?"

The crowd didn't move.

Riku's eyes glowed red.

Immediately the birds took to the air, following their evil master's sinister orders with perfect obedience.

And then Riku went back to searching for his adopted sister, smiling and picking flowers as he went.

"Just forget about your fake family-"

"We've been over this before," Saya cut in wearily. "They aren't fake, just stupid."

Because that SO much better...

"Quick! Put your head between your legs! Take deeps breaths!" Solomon told her. Saya obeyed.

"It's not helping!"

"Hmm…perhaps if you put your head between my-"

"That won't help either!"

Yeah, I'm not touching that one.

"And remember to conserve your ammo!" He called after the boy.

"Yeah, yeah!" Kai yelled over his shoulder. "I gotcha!" He caught sight of some birds wheeling around in the sky above and gasped in delight. "Die, birds!"

Blam! Blam!

"KAI!" David roared. "I swear to the skinny gods I will shoot you in the ass!"

In the end David decided to just screw everyone and stay skinny.

Besides, he needs to save his ammo to be ineffective against Chiropterans, duh!

"Kissing me proves nothing! I'm not gay, I swear!"

"Just admit that you liked it!" Haji shot back.

"I did not!" Solomon fumed. "It was sloppy, it was gross, you got bad breath, yes I liked it! Now die!"

Well Nathan's gonna be happy.

"Is Saya here?" David asked Louis, running up to him. Louis gave him a look.

"Hang on, lemme check." He stood quietly for several seconds. "Nope!"

Well he's done all that he can do...

"…APS?" David asked dubiously.

"Yes, Annoying Person Searcher," Louis explained. "A. P. S. Get it?"

"But…that can be used to find us, too," David pointed out.

"Yeah, but for us, the A stands for awesome."

"Oh. Okay, then."

And the "S" must stand for Super then, huh?

Riku stood at the bottom on the tower, staring up at it and panting for breath. Damn! That was fast! He was, like, ten miles away from that place last time we saw him! How the hell did you do that, kid?

"Certainly not because I used my evil genius powers!" Riku said sweetly. He then twirled on his heel and began skipping up the steps of the tower, totally unaware of the danger above.

See? Didn't I totally call this?

Speaking of calling things, I think I hear my name being shouted. (I had the foresight to call ahead and reserve something in case I got stuck in a long line again.) When next we meet I should be my proper gender again!
The Layman chapter 22 . 4/25/2012
Trudging across the length and breath of France on foot might be boring as all crap (that's the last time I forget to buy an Ipod...), but it really is quite beautiful.

In fact, it reminds me of the time I reviewed chapter 22...

"Haji…" Saya said softly. Haji smiled. "…Are my arms broken?"

"…Um, no?"

"Then do like Ludacris and move, bitch, get out the way."

I don't care how many times I read that, it just never gets any less funny.

"And FYI, you tested positive for stupid."

"Oh, yeah, well…" Kai thought hard for a proper insult. "You tested positive for bi-" David gave him a dangerous look. "-eauuuutiful." Kai finished.

Nice save, Kai.

Elsewhere on the ship, Joel stared quietly at a thick diary and pocket-watch, deep in thought.

"What could he have meant about my legs?" He whispered softly to himself. "Oh, well! Time to go play kickball, and then some high-kicking in a chorus line! Whee!"

…The poor, poor man.

Also, third favorite character.

"Yeah, whatever," Saya sighed. "I'll just hold it until the end of this flashback."

"What flash- Gwaaaaaaagh!" Haji was bowled over as the flashback suddenly appeared and took over.

Yay, another flashback! These things are funny!

"What's up, hot stuff?" Haji asked, taking her hand and making out with it.

"…I think this might be a problem," Saya grumbled, retrieving her violated appendage and wiping it on her dress.

I think I need to wash my hand just READING that...

"How can I get along better with Haji?" She asked between brushstrokes.

"Well," Joel suggested. "How about teaching him to play-"

"The electric guitar?" Saya finished hopefully.

"Um…perhaps the cello would be more suitable?"

...Synthesizer?

Squeeeeeeeeak! Dweeeeeeeek! Shrieeeeeeeek!

"Oh, that's horrible!" Saya gagged. "You call that music? I've heard better sounds from two cats mating! Why don't you just do yourself a favor and give up?"

"…Saya?" Haji interrupted politely.

"Yes?"

"You're the one playing right now."

"Oh. Right." Saya blinked, looking down at the cello in her lap. "Here, you try it now!" She handed Haji the instrument and bow and settled back to watch. Haji sighed and began.

It was like he was Yo-Yo Ma's illegitimate love child.

…That…that means he was good. At the cello. Quite disturbingly so.

I was just laughing all the way through this.

The two companions quickly went looking for shelter as a sudden rainstorm brewed up, and were able to wait out the rest of the storm in a comfortable barn filled with hay.

"Um…Haji?" Saya coughed uncomfortably, having removed her dress and clad in nothing but her revealing shift (is that what it's called?). "You didn't have to take off your boxers, too. They were perfectly dry."

"Yeah, I know," Haji replied matter-of-factly. "I just didn't want to take any chances." He paused. "Although I am somewhat regretting my decision, as this harsh straw is wreaking havoc on my precious nether-regions."

"Okay, can we do another time-skip, please?" Saya called out. "This is getting weeeeird!"

Oh, NOW you notice?

"I don't wanna do the cello, Haji is already so much better than me!" She sighed as she sat down with the cello balanced on her knee.

"Oh, come on, Saya," Haji began. "You're not that ba-"

Kiiiiiiiiiill meeeeeeeeeee!

If the INSTRUMENT wants to die, you KNOW you're a terrible musician.

And it's also funny as crap.

"Haji…" She asked quietly. "Do you think I'm…creepy?"

There was a pause.

"…I think you're hot."

That pause was her realizing her mistake the moment she said it.

He stopped to catch his breath and glanced back on Saya, who was riding atop the cart's mountain of food.

"You're not seriously gonna eat all of this, are you?" He gulped, wiping his brow. Saya laughed.

"Oh, of course not, silly!" Haji breathed a sigh of relief. "These are just the appetizers! That's the main course." She pointed behind them at a horse-drawn wagon loaded with even more edibles.

"…The horse?" Haji ventured.

"Shut up and haul!"

Ah, fat jokes...

"No, not that one!" Saya complained from above. "The other, further away and potentially more dangerous one, duh!"

Isn't it always?

"Hey, Haji! I was able to get down here so quick because a found the cutest lil' trail that led to those flowers I wanted, then all the way down here! Cool, huh? Sure hope it doesn't come back to haunt me!"

Oh no, not at all...

Gathering her skirts, she tossed her head and dashed back to Joel's mansion. Imagine her surprise to find it wreathed with flames, slain people laying here and there on the ground.

"Hey, who started the party without me?" Saya asked, the hurt clear in her voice. "That's just rude! Oh, and by the way, Haji's, like, dead or something over at the cliffs. Totally not my fault. Anyone gonna help? Anyone?" No-one responded, because they were all dead. "You're all a bunch of jerks."

Being dead like that...only thinking about yourselves!

"I'm the one who made you the way you are…"

"What, you mean the ageless, hot-ass sexy-man?" Haji asked.

"No! I mean your perversity!" Saya corrected. "Gawd, how can I live with myself?"

You think that's bad? Just wait until you realize that rest of us have to put up with it as well! How will you sleep at night knowing YOU'RE responsible for 67% (the other 33% is natural disasters, sickness, general violence, and Kai's stupidity.) of the world's suffering?

*back in present* Yeah, those were the days... Well, back to that hunt for a body. See you next time!
The Layman chapter 21 . 4/23/2012
OK, I feel relatively refreshed, let's get back to looking for that body that was the same gender that I originally had. Maybe I'll try somewhere more rural...

I the meantime, let's see what the Mystery Gang is up to.

On a moonlit night, in a deserted graveyard, the Schiff gathered. Their cloaks still concealing their identities, they pressed together in a football huddle and went over the current situation.

Wrong Mystery Gang.

"I only count seven!" One especially stupid Schiff piped up, forgetting to count himself.

"That's because you're an idiot," the pretty-boy countered. "Shut the eff up."

"Hey, don't tell him to shut up, Moses!" A bespectacled young male Schiff growled. "If anyone here's gonna be an asshole, it'll be me!"

"I wasn't talking to you, Karman," Moses spat back. "What are you, on your period, four eyes?"

"Who you calling four eyes, one eye?"

"Come on, you guys," a boy Schiff with straight-cut blond hair intervened. "Why can't we all just get alo-"

"Stay out of it, bowl-cut!" Both Moses and Karman hollered at him.

"B…bowl-cut?" The blond Schiff sniffled with hurt. "Ireeeeeene!"

Though I'm starting to have my doubts...

"Now let's hurry up and go find Saya before we all kill each other."

First sensible thing anyone's said this entire story.

"Solomon," Mr. Argeno's voice grumbled from the other line, "how many times do I have to tell you, I don't caaaaare about your stupid Myspace?"

"Hey, come on!" Solomon argued. "You made me listen to your horror stories of being molested by a clown as a child!"

There was a short pause over the phone.

"…I told you that in confidence," Mr. Argeno whispered softly.

"Yeah, well," Solomon shrugged, "I might have put it up on my Myspace, and all my 300,000 friends might have read it."

"Well, you might be getting a bomb in the mail," Mr. Argeno growled, popping another of his crack-candies into his mouth.

It's a good thing he didn't tell Crispin about his Twitter posts...

"Aw! Awwww! The damn car broke down!" Okamura cursed, kicking open the driver-side door and storming out. He and Mao were in the middle of a quaint countryside (also in France?), but had run across a small problem. That problem being a crappy car. "And I just bought the damn thing, too!"

"Well, then, we'll just take it back-" Mao began to order, but when she looked over her shoulder to where the car shop had been moments before, all she saw was a dusty foundation and some trash, with the building magically gone. "I knew those guys were frauds! Damn!"

They remind me of those guys I bought my home owners insurance from!

"Hurry up, I'm bored back here!"

"You come try!" Okamura snapped, having quelled the hungry flames.

"HEY," Mao said firmly, pointing to her crotch. "[lady parts]."

"HEY," Okamura countered, unimpressed. "[man parts]. Just because I'm the man shouldn't mean I have to deal with this dumb car!"

"But it matched my purse!" Mao argued hotly, sliding out of the car. "Plus the color really makes my eyes pop!"

"Yeah, I'll pop your friggin' eyes…" Okamura muttered to himself, pulling out his pack of cigarettes. Mao immediately leapt forward, snatched the pack from him, and hurled them into a field, where they landed in the hands of a small five-year old boy.

"What's this?" The boy asked innocently. "I think I'll smoke 'em!"

Another deadbeat successfully birthed.

"Gawd, you're one crazy ho," Okamura sighed, rubbing his temples. "Why did I ever let you come along?"

"Because I'm hot?" Mao cooed, batting her eyelashes flirtatiously.

"…I'm not even going near that one," Okamura coughed, noticing a police officer who poked his head out of a nearby bush and eyed the two warily. Upon hearing Okamura's statement, the police officer nodded in approval and sank back into the bush.

I was wondering what happened to the police officer!

"Listen-" Okamura began.

"What'd I say about looking at me?"

"FINE!" Okamura spun on his heel, then held up a pocket mirror so he could look at Mao without facing her. "There! This way, I won't turn to stone!"

"You would not!" Mao growled, glaring at a nearby squirrel. Immediately the rodent froze and turned to stone. "Oh, whatEVER!"

"Who the Honk are Honking you, mother-Honker?"

"Thank me later, ladies!" Solomon said, grinning at the camera and winking."

Most likely...

"Hey, I'm back!" Okamura called, hauling a bucket of water over to Mao. He saw the car and raised an eyebrow "What'd I miss? You get angry or something?"

"It wasn't me!" Mao snapped.

Are you sure? You WERE the one who didn't move their car...

"C…E…O?" Mao read slowly.

"Sound it out, honey," Okamura coaxed. "Those Hooked on Phonics are working wonders!"

"Oh yeah? Well here's another one for ya," Mao growled. "F…U…C…"

"Change the scene already!"

Aaaaand with that pleasant scene we awkwardly transition into...

"Yeaaaaaaaah! Let's get wasted, old timer!" Okamura cheered, guzzling down bottles of champagne with gusto. An old man, the owner of the establishment that Mao and Okamura had finally reached, simply stared at him curiously.

"Um…that's non-alcoholic wine, sonny."

"Whooooooo-wha?" Okamura looked up from where he'd been removing his pants and blushed.

"Put your shirt back on!" Mao snapped, whipping his clothing at his head. She was a bit miffed because she was underage and therefore couldn't also join in the yelling and clothing removal.

"Mother…effing…stupid…" Okamura grumbled, struggling to pull on his shirt. "Tell me next time, old man!"

Too bad, drunk people are funny.

Okamura rambled on and on, not noticing the old man had fallen asleep and Mao had pilfered a bottle of wine, which she'd taken outside and now was in the middle of Mortal Kombat with a hobo over it.

I'd actually pay money to see that.

"My grandfather once went over there and said he…heard someone singing in the ruins!"

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!" Okamura leapt behind Mao for protection. "Make him stop, Mao! I've wet myself!"

"You're such a baby!" Mao muttered, pinching his nose closed in disgust. "Gawd, what did you eat, twenty pounds of asparagus? Euuuuugh!"

Yeah...not touching that one...

"Um, Saya?" Haji asked nervously, eyeing the road they were walking beside. "You know we really should be wearing light-reflective clothing at night, not only because it's the morally responsible thing to do, but also because I don't feel like getting run over by a car will be a pleasurable experience."

"Pfffft," Saya snorted. "What cars? There aren't any around for mi-"

Screeeeeeech!

"Gwaaaagh!"

A car peeled outta nowhere and caught Haji in the legs, making him tumble onto the hood and up the front window. He slammed onto the ground, twitching in pain as the car screeched off into the night.

"I was right…" Haji gurgled. "It wasn't pleasurable. Not in the least."

Any better than getting impaled?

"Saya," he said softly, "you need some sexual…heaaaaaaaling!"

There was an awkward pause.

"…Did you just sing?" Saya asked incredulously.

"Yes. Yes I did." Haji admitted.

...Gay.

"Quick, Saya!" He cried. "Flash them with your panties!"

"Will that stun them?" Saya asked worriedly.

"No, but it will be very amusing."

"…How'd you like to try running away without any legs?" Saya asked dangerously.

"…I'll behave."

"Good."

Wise choice, man.

The Schiff all ganged up on Haji, meaning he didn't stand a chance. Poor Haji was stabbed from behind, then impaled with Karman's spear.

"That's…three…times…now…" Haji gurgled weakly.

Yep, I was right; neeeeever get's old.

"Hmph." Guy easily kicked Haji back and pinned him against a tree, running him through with a huge sword.

"F…fouuuur…." Haji choked out, weakly holding up a pad of paper and a pencil and tallying down his latest abuse.

...Nope, still funny.

They gasped as they saw strange red cracks covering Guy's exposed arm.

"It's the Thorn!" Moses whispered.

"Haji, what the hell did you give him?" Saya hollered, aghast.

"I didn't give him anything!" Haji protested, then paused. "Wait…maybe it is possible. I did do a lot of experimenting with drugs during the 80's." He noticed Saya's disturbed look. "What, you were asleep! What else was I supposed to do?"

The impaled man has a point you know.

"Die!" Saya watched in horror as he raised the sword above his head, poised to strike her down. Suddenly Karman's eyes widened, and he froze. "Oh. My. GOD."

"…What?" The Schiff asked.

"I forgot to tape Lost!" Karman gasped. "We're missing it!"

"WHAT?" The Schiff roared. Karman instantly dropped the sword, and dashed away with his comrades into the forest.

"Stupid, how could you forget?" Moses barked.

"Shut up! You set the timer next time!"

They'd better hurry; maybe this is the episode that'll explain everything!

The Schiff held a moment of silence for their fallen friend. It didn't last long.

"I get his cool knife-thingies!"

"No fair! I want them! You get everything, Moses! Tell him to share, Irene!"

"We better get Saya's blood soon," Irene sighed, "or we're so not gonna make it."

Again, I can't tell if you're talking about the story or not there.

You know, something I forgot to factor in the fact that there aren't as many people in the country than there are in the city.

Might take longer than I thought...
The Layman chapter 20 . 4/20/2012
Well, the other Russian city was a bust, and judging by my track record and history the rest of 'em probably won't be much better. So, I going to try a more exotic location.

France seems like as good a place as any to start, so let's just dive right into this!

"No…no speaky the English? Alright, hang on." James pulled out his 'French for Chevaliers' book and flipped through it. "Let's see…how do I say…tu…tu t'appelles frommage?" The group of people burst into gales of laughter. "…Dammit."

I've yet to find a convincing black French guy; James is just another in a long line...

Elsewhere in the French city, an outrageously gay man with curly blond hair and a loose purple shirt was busy head-banging to Metallica whilst riding an escalator through a mall.

Heh heh, it's funny because in the show he was listening to orchestra music! And as we all know Metallica is the farthest thing from orches- Eh? The S&M album? *listens to album* Oh, forgot about that...

"Did you guys miss me?" Mr. Argeno asked sweetly, winking at the camera.

Yay! Touga's back!

" Mr. Argeno waved a hand, then eyed his companion's plastic jumpsuit. "…By the way, are you wearing anything under that suit?"

"…No," the scientist admitted truthfully. "I'm completely naked under this."

"…Why?"

"I just like the way it feels."

A long, awkward silence passed between them.

"Okay, can we please get something to interrupt this conversation before I vomit?" Mr. Argeno asked hopefully.

...You know maybe death wasn't so bad after all.

"Red alert! Intruders! Intruders!" A voice rang out over the intercom. There was a short pause. "I have officially crapped myself. Someone hold me."

After that other tidbit of information you just shared? No way dude!

"Who let the chiro's out?" Mr. Argeno asked aloud. "Who? Who? Who? Who? Who let the chiro's out? Who-"

"Don't make me unzip this suit, sir," the nerdy scientist said firmly. Mr. Argeno's mouth instantly snapped shut.

Yes, but the benefits don't outweigh the costs.

"Good Lord!" One of the kids drawled, aghast. "Were you guys even aiming at us? We're, like, two frickin' feet in front of you!" Shaking their heads in disgust, the Schiff leapt from the ground and escaped through the nearby windows.

"You men suck!" Mr. Argeno hollered down at the guards. "You're all-" A guard raised his gun and shot him in the shoulder. "Aaaagh! What the hell? NOW you hit something? And I was all the way up here, too! What the f-"

They all must have graduated from the Stormtrooper school of marksmanship.

"What a minute…is that…Jerry Jr down there? NOOOOOOOO!"

You bastards!

Growling a string of curses, Kai settled back and squeezed his eyes shut, giving a drawn-out grunt of exertion.

"…What're you doing?" Louis asked dubiously.

"Trying to use my latent psychic powers to move you but it's not working because you're so effing FAT!" Kai gave up and violently threw himself into his seat.

No, but if he keeps trying he could eventually pull off a Scanners and make someone's head explode. Most likely his own.

"LET GO OF ME SKELETOR!"

It's funny because it's true.

"Alright, why am I the only one without any clothes and in this big plastic ball?" Kai complained, gesturing at his nakedness (don't worry, he's got boxers on) and the huge plastic ball he was contained in.

"Because no-one wants to catch your stupid," David growled.

Very contagious, that stupid.

"Hey, everyone," the voice said pleasantly. "I'm Joel. Nice to meet you. We've got some bad news – we've found Liza's dead, naked body."

"Wh…what?" David leapt up from his seat. "What on earth happened?"

"We…don't know yet," Joel answered hesitantly. "We're still…taking pictures of the body in various poses."

"…That's sick, man," Louis stated.

"DON'T JUDGE ME!"

Wait, they found Liza's body?...Then who's body an I in now?

and you're all under 72 hours quarantine to make sure you're not chevalier either. Hope you all get along. Have fun!"

Beeeep!

A long silence followed.

Puuuuuuuuuurrrrt.

"LOUIS!" Everyone shouted.

"It's the tacos!" Louis yelled back. "I keep tellin' you guys!"

Maybe they should get the containment crew in here or something with all these chemical weapons loose.

"You'd better enjoy your legs while you can."

"…What?"

"Nothing!"

IT'S SUBTLE FORESHADOWING! CAN'T YOU TELL?

The news could be heard blaring over the radio.

"The incident that occurred a few days ago was indeed an accident," a woman's voice calmly informed, "and there were absolutely no vampires involved. Oh, wait, did I say vampires? I, uh, meant chiropterans- no, monsters- no, Mexicans- gaaah!" There was a pause. "…This just in. I'm fired."

Awww! But she was the best weather person they ever had!

"Thanks for getting us a ride, Haji," Saya said quietly. "I didn't know you had such…talents."

Saya and Haji had switched bottoms, leaving Saya with dark pants and Haji wearing a short miniskirt that left his long, skinny legs exposed.

"Oh, no problem," Haji gloated, propping a leg up. "Told you my legs were sex-ay!" Suddenly he noticed the farmer eyeing him suggestively from the rear-view mirror. "Keep your eyes on the road, pervert!" The farmer quickly snapped his eyes back on the road and readjusted the mirror. "Men…" Haji grumbled.

Who do you think you are, Nathan?

"One little piggy went to the market, one little piggy stayed home," Haji was singing, playing with the pigs in their pen. "And this little piggy went-"

Smack!

"Listen to my pain, dammit!"

Hey, whoa there girl! there'll be plenty of time for that after the timejump.

"Wow, James. Right on time," Solomon remarked snidely, checking his watch. "Two hours late."

"Shut up."

Well what with the time zone and daylight savings time can you really blame him?

"I am not gay! I'm metrosexual!" Both men stared at him blankly. "Alright, so I'm here and I'm queer. Get over it, sister!" He did a Z-snap and bobbed his head for emphasis.

"Gawd, I've only been here for a few minutes and Nathan has already given me a migraine," James grumbled, kneading his temples.

I don't know what you're talkin 'bout James, this guy is hilarious!

"So, what've you two been up to?" Solomon asked.

"Well," Nathan began, "I was just on Project Runway, but that Heidi Klum bitch didn't like my designs, so I just killed her and everyone there! What about you, James?"

"I'm getting into the entertainment industry," James told them. "A record label is thinking of signing me. I got some mad rhymes, dog."

"I'm…sure you do," Solomon coughed. "As for me, I'm still falling in love every five seconds. Oh, and I got a VD. Cool, huh?"

"NO." James and Nathan inched their chairs away.

Hey, you wouldn't happen to have some anti-bacterial soap on hand, would you? Active volcanoes are kind of hard to find when you need to cleanse yourself in a hurry.

"KAI!"

"AAAAAAAA- yes?"

"We haven't even broken the skin yet!"

"…Oh."

Kai's antics never get old, I gotta tell ya.

"So, you've met Haji?" Nathan asked Solomon, leaning forward intently. "What's he like? Is he cute? How's his tush?" James choked on his drink and Solomon just looked uncomfortable.

"Um, he's a bit perverted, I guess he's easy on the eyes, and his ass is kinda pear-shaped," he answered uncertainly. "…I feel so dirty."

As you rightly should Solomon, as you rightly should...

"Do I have to get my big black friend?"

"Dude, Louis isn't here-"

"I meant my GUN!"

"…Well, then, you're racist," Kai stated matter-of-factly.

I thought David's gun was Gunmetal Silver, not black.

"I get to brush Diva's hair!"

"Not before I cornrow it, bitch!"

It's funny because James ISN'T gay.

He glanced over at his scientist friend. "…You're still not wearing anything under that, are you?"

"Nope," the scientist answered quite proudly.

"Just checking."

And I'M still traumatized.

"Saya senses…tingling!" He muttered. "I must mark my territory!" He hustled over to where Saya was slumbering against a tree and unzipped his pants. Saya immediately awoke and realized what he was about to do.

"Haji," Saya said with dangerous softness. "I really am going to kill you now."

"Can…can you at least wait until I'm finished?"

"NO."

Stick to getting impaled Hajji, it's what your'e best at.

On the bright side, Paris is really beautiful. On the down side I STILL haven't found any good morgue to get a new body from. Oh well, maybe I'll just hang out for a while and eat a snail or something...
The Layman chapter 19 . 4/17/2012
Well, I'm off the train now and in some Russian city; it's still cold and I'm still inhabiting the body of a chick. Now, where would a morgue be around here...

"…That…is one bad case of pinkeye you've got there," the woman stated, taking a nervous step back.

Must be a side effect or something.

In some Russian city...

Seems to be a popular destination, ain't it?

What do you mean, David's not here?" Saya repeated angrily.

"I'm sorry, miss," the attendant apologized, "but he's not. Here, he left this note." Saya snatched it from the woman and scowled at the quickly-scrawled words.

"What's it say?" Liza asked.

"Not much," Saya sighed. "Just something about how he's gained some weight and is too embarrassed to be seen, then a note about killing Kai for some reason."

Why is it that my mind is suddenly conjuring up pictures of the Pillsbury dough boy with David's face pasted over his?

No seriously, why am I thinking this?

"Alright, this hotel rocks!" Riku cheered. "Hey, look! They've got a pool!" He scampered outside before the others could stop him.

"No, Riku! Wait!" Saya called after him. "I think it's-"

THUNK!

"…Frozen." Saya finished.

"Did he just attempt a body flop?"

To be fair that probably would have happened even if the water wasn't frozen.

Haji stared moon-eyed at Saya.

"How about taking a bath with me?" He asked her.

"No," Saya simply stated, punching at the elevator button a few more times in an attempt to speed things up.

"Please? You can wash my back hair."

"NO." Saya punched the button rapidly, begging every God she knew of to please make that damn elevator appear NOW.

"Aww, come on! I've got this embarrassing rash on my unmentionables and I need someone to apply the ointment-"

"WE'RE TAKING THE STAIRS!" Saya roared.

Warms my heart, those two.

"Hmm…that dream…" Saya mumbled aloud as she scrubbed shampoo into her hair, "I just can't get over it…"

"What dream?" Liza asked loudly, finally getting Saya's attention. In a BAD way.

"Auuuuuugh! Die, Haji!" Saya whipped the shower curtain open and yanked off the detachable showerhead, aiming it at the intruder's face and soaking her thoroughly. Liza stood there for several long seconds as Saya stared at her.

"…It's me." Liza said firmly.

...oh.

"So…tell me about your dream," Liza prompted, crossing her arms.

"Well…" Saya replaced the showerhead and took a deep breath. "The dream is this: I'm competing on that Rock of Love show when Barbara Streisand suddenly shows up and starts singing the Star-Spangled Banner-"

You wouldn't be familiar with Isane Kotetsu from Bleach, would you? You two seem like you'd get along well.

Liza gulped and stammered for several seconds, then leapt forward and flushed the toilet.

Fluuuuuuuuuuush!

"Ieeee! Freezing!" Saya shrieked as the water spouting from the showerhead suddenly became cold as icicles.

"Bye!" Liza dashed for the door.

...I'm 73 percent sure there's something suspicious about dat goil..

"Hey, wait," Saya called after her, "you still haven't- oh GOD I got soap in my eyes! It burnsss!" She fell out of the tub, flailing her arms and ripping the curtain down with her. "Auuuuuuuuugh!"

"Saya? What's wrong?" Haji asked, hurrying into the bathroom upon hearing his beloved's cries of agony. "Wha- Holy bleep where's my camera?"

"My eyes are on fire!"

"Hold on, I'll help you in a minute, just let me go get my-"

Ka-SHINK!

"Gaaaaah! Who put this bear-trap here?"

"Close one," Liza told herself, scuttling down the hall, away from the commotion. "That could have been a complete disaster."

Good thing it wasn't, right?

"Goodness, your breasts are like airbags," David muttered, righting himself. "They're big, firm, and can decapitate a small child."

She's the only person in the world who can make any car safer by driving it.

"Oh, yes, that reminds me," David said quietly. "I owe Kai." Pulling out his gun, he snapped the hammer back, rolled down his window, stuck his gun out, and shot at the vehicle driving behind him, which Louis and Kai were riding in. He managed to hit a wheel, making the car spin out of control.

Yup, David suuuuure loves that Kai alright!

He reached into a paper bag sitting beside him and pulled out some food, which he ate with gusto, then farted loudly.

"Dude!" Kai gagged, wishing he'd been able to ride with Julia for the umpteenth time (she'd insisted on David being with her, the dumb whore). "Can you please refrain from passing flatulence in my presence?"

"…What?"

"Don't effing fart!"

"Hey, it's not my fault!" Louis argued. "It's the taco's!"

"We didn't have taco's!" Kai shot back. Louis cocked an eyebrow.

"Yes, we did," he answered solemnly. "Two nights ago."

"OH, GOD!"

Chemical warfare, bitch.

What kind of dish would be brought in? She'd never had foreign food before. Would it be good? Saya hoped so. Finally the waiter arrived and placed a plate on the table. Saya smiled widely and looked down to see-

Some white things with glistening orange marbles on them. GROSS.

"Alright, buddy," Saya hissed, grabbing the waiter by the neck and pulling him close to her face. "Listen up. I am HUNGRY, and I need some REAL food, got it? Don't you dare come back until you've at least got four large cheese pizza's and a chocolate log. Chop, chop!"

Saya, "expanding your palette" means liking more and different foods, not making your place setting bigger...

"What is this, Double Jeopardy?"

"I'd like to buy a vowel-" Haji began.

"Wrong game!" Saya snapped.

"Oh. Then, Whoopi Goldberg for the block and the win, please."

"SHUT UP!"

...can I use a lifeline?

"Thanks for making Haji carry him all the way up here," Liza said gratefully. Saya nodded. In the nearby bathroom, Haji stood naked from head to toe, desperately scrubbing himself all over with loads of anti-bacterial soap.

"The germs…the germs!" He hissed in horror as he scrubbed his skin raw.

"Dammit, Haji! At least close the door!" Saya barked, kicking the door shut and rubbing her aching eyes.

Dammit man! Don't you think she had enough of that in the flashback?

Gathering all the ice cubes into a pack, she carried it over to Riku and placed it…

Right on Haji's crotch.

"There, that oughta cool ya down!" Saya smiled in satisfaction.

"Um…I think it's supposed to be for him," Haji (who was now thankfully dressed again) corrected, pointing at Riku's flushed features.

"Oh. I knew that." Saya coughed. "But you gotta admit it was a perfectly understandable mistake."

Yeah, yeah it was.

"You think you can beat me?" Liza growled in a deeply masculine voice, easily blocking Haji's strike.

"No way!" Saya gasped in surprise at the sound of Liza's manly voice.

"Hahaha! So now you see-"

"You're a tranny?"

"You guys are effing hopeless!"

Hey, you said it, not me.

"Surely you've noticed it, Saya! You're not human!"

"Wha…yes I am!" Saya insisted.

"Oh? What about your healing ability?" Liza pressed.

"Tha…that's perfectly normal." Saya stuttered.

"And your superhuman strength?"

"I drink lots of milk!"

"And your voracious appetite?"

"I…I…" Saya searched desperately for an answer but was forced to give up. "Alright! So I'm not a human! Gawd, what do you want from me?"

...I can't think of anything either.

"Wha…a…chiropteran?" Saya's head spun. A chiropteran? Her?

"Ooooh! Tell me, Saya," Jerry Springer asked, magically appearing at her side and shoving a mic in her face, "how does that make you feel, knowing you've been killing your own kind all along? Not to mention everyone knew and didn't tell you!"

"Well, Jerry," Saya answered solemnly, "it kinda makes me feel like kickin' her bleeping ass! Mother-bleeper, you are going bleeping DOWN!" She leapt at Liza but was restrained by men in tight black clothes that read 'security'.

"I'll do it for you, Saya!" Haji volunteered, jumping at Liza. She easily batted his attempts away, then ran him through with a hand. "Gaaah!" Haji sputtered in pain. "This is the second effing time I get run through! I'm keeping count from now on!"

And so is birthed one of the funniest running gags in this story.

The woman just as effortlessly dodged her attacks, then grabbed hold of the sword's blade.

Crack!

Saya's sword broke in two, leaving her holding a useless weapon by the hilt.

"You…you broke my sword!" Saya gasped in outrage. "You bitch! This cost me…" She paused and looked over at Haij. "Hey, Haji! How much did this cost me?"

"8.95, before taxes!" Haji called weakly.

"You hear that?" Saya turned back to Liza. "You owe me ten bucks!"

Really, ten bucks? Then it shouldn't really be that big a deal then. Heck if they're that cheap I'll take ten!

"Saya, come home!" Liza cried. "Come be with your family of chiropterans, and your sister, Diva!"

"Sister? And you guys are my family? Hah, you expect me to believe that?" Saya snorted, then flung her arms around Liza and squealed. "Auntie! Er, or is it Uncle?"

"My God, this is pure gold!" Jerry Springer whispered to himself. "You guys getting this on film?"

Go home, Jerry.

And speaking of home, I can't seem to find a decent body bank anywhere in this town! Maybe there's one in the other Russian city. You know, the one like some Russian city only not?
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