|Reviews for For the Republic|
| Gastogh chapter 25 . 6/22/2011
Review approaching: "Long-Ass Post"-class.
- There are few misspelled words and typoes, which is good. About the only one that comes up with any regularity is misuse of the hyphen. You've got verbs like "woke-up", you sometimes use one where it's not necessary ("un-characteristically"), and you often use it instead of a dash. Part 9 has instances of all these mistakes.
- IMO the biggest issue with the story is the formatting, and the biggest problem there is that the stylistic choices change throughout the story and never seem to follow a predictable pattern.
The narrative perspective in particular is a veritable Gordian Knot; sometimes a change in POV is announced, at other times not. Sometimes the passage of time is announced, at other times not. Sometimes the location or a change of location is pointed out, at other times not. Sometimes a planet's sector of the galaxy is included in the description, at other times not. Sometimes the narrative shift is follows a location ("Jedi Temple, Coruscant"), sometimes a character ("Zana."), sometimes the time ("Three weeks away from Malachor V.") and sometimes an event ("Aftermath, Second Battle of Dxun"), but never any or all of these consistently.
A more specific point about using time as the point of focus: give us a hard date. It'll be easier to follow than a chain of ten chapters of "X days/weeks/months after For the Republic: Part the Previous" and tenY scenes of "Eight days later" and "Many days later.".
All of this culminates in a kind of orgy in Part 17B. I don't really see the need for all the POV-tennis in the beginning, and the ambiguous time references later on don't make it better. There are a full *twenty* shifts in this chapter, and for a chapter of this size, that's definitely too many by a large margin.
On the whole all these shifts and their announcements or lack thereof are very inconsistent, and at times confusing. I'd say that a lot of the time the pointers are altogether unnecessary; if you're already using that "oOo0oOo" as a break (and even that only comes in after a certain point), that's good enough if all you need to tell us is that some time has passed or there's been a change in location. And if you feel that the break alone won't do and the reader could benefit from further details, consider slipping the relevant info into the narration.
Bottom line: whatever way you want to go, I would recommend making any kind of choice one way or the other and staying consistent with it.
- Another stylistic thing you might want to standardize is the expression of emphasis. Sometimes you use italics (or normal text when the larger section is italics), which is, IMO, the best way. But then, sometimes, it's bold or capitals. Capitals for emphasis are best done as rarely as physically possible, and while even bolding text isn't a shooting offense on , you should really just pick one way and stick with it. Having three or more methods and, again, using them inconcsistently is not good business.
- Your characters are good in that they all clearly have their own minds, and they're not identical. I'm concerned, though, that many of the Jedi don't really feel like Jedi. This isn't so much an issue of being out-of-character (which is totally fine), but feeling out-of-universe, so to speak.
Elaboration: for all that they've all been brought up from childhood by an Order that encourages (enforces?) celibacy, a lot of them behave like sexually frustrated teenagers. Too many of the Knights and Masters in the story have had (or eventually *will* have once Kotor 2 rolls around) some kind of tryst or spouse or lover or distant sweetheart and no one seems to mind - hell, Vrook appears to have made Council member in spite of it. Even the Masters (mostly Vrook and Kavar) seem to be barely holding their emotions in check half the time, never mind the main characters of the story. And stuff like Vrook, a member of the High Council throwing punches at Kavar at the mention of a wife who's been dead for, what, how many decades now? It doesn't really sit well when these guys are supposed to be preternaturally calm and "mindful of their feelings".
Intimate relationships or keeping their calm, it shouldn't matter. It's *hard* for people to go up against habits and indoctrination, no matter the particulars. There are always those who do, but if they form the majority of the characters who get face time, the effect is kind of lost. Everyone can't be a rebel.
- One of the things about the story that I liked best is also character-related: Revan's pettiness in her dark side days. It's not every story that I see having the regard of her troops actually tickle the main character's fancy. All too often it's "Oh, I'm so tragically resigned to my burdensome task!" or "Just listen to those sheep bleat!" or no mention whatsoever of any possible emotional significance of having everyone in a galaxy-wide military jump at your word.
I also liked that Revan actually found a nice, self-serving way to use her powers which doesn't involve wanton, psychotic violence, which is what the dark side seems to equate to with a lot of authors. The "I'll use my magical brainwashing ability to have sex with people!" angle was just great, and it's also one thing that *does* go hand-in-hand with Revan being one of those sexually active outliers from a celibate order. Nice one, yo.
Well, that's it for now. Hope you can take something away from all that. I'll be waiting for the conclusion.
| Cstan chapter 5 . 12/4/2010
And so the first steps are taken to turn the tide of this battle and change the face of the galaxy for millenia to come.
| MassEffectAdict chapter 8 . 11/24/2010
...Holy S**t, a dark sider that acts like a darksider and not some A** hole/ thug. Great portrayal of a manipulative and powerful darksider. I never really liked the Sith, but the Jedi were just too weak, so this is juat the kind of character I was hoping for. Great story so far with just enough deviations from the game to be recognizable, but not a complete repitition of the game.
P.S. I always wanted to train Mira as a Jedi while following the path of the dark side, can't wait to see what you do with it...
| Cstan chapter 4 . 10/18/2010
So the stage has been set which will lead to one of the greatest massacres in the Star Wars galaxy and the fall of several Jedi to the dark side.
May the Force be with you.
| Cstan chapter 3 . 10/18/2010
And now the damage is done. One can only agree with Master Vandar: these children will be destined for greatness... in both positive and negative ways. I love how you are able to create this atmosphere of a developing relationship while still being able to hint at the darker paths both of them will walk in the future.
| Cstan chapter 2 . 10/17/2010
A nice continuation and interesting take on how both Malak and Revan deal with their "slip-up".
I'll continue reading this with much pleasure.
| Cstan chapter 1 . 10/17/2010
This is a nice start into the story and sets a combination of dread and anticipation within me for what you're going to write and the knowledge how it will ultimatly end.
| sonn4jam3s chapter 25 . 1/24/2010
Such a good story!
| sonn4jam3s chapter 1 . 12/19/2009
I know it's been a long time since you've written this but it's one of, if not the best fanfic I've ever read, and I've read a lot.
If you wrote a follow up to this it would make my new year.
| atomicage334 chapter 24 . 4/10/2008
hay just wanted so say i enjoyed the story and good job
| Sinistrae chapter 24 . 2/27/2008
This story is so detailed and wonderful, you had me reading it all day. I'm a big f!Revan & Malak fan, and there is definitely a shortage of fan-fiction that involve that pairing. Your writing style is beautiful and this was definitely a satisfying read. You injected detail that I definitely could not have. I'll eagerly await the last two chapters!
| hpjedi1 chapter 24 . 2/18/2008
Amazing job with your Revan story. I'm very impressed. You did a fantastic job pinning the personality I always saw in a lot of the characters and a great job in showing how they came to be the way they are in the games_ I shall a wait the final to chapters of this story with excitment, although I will be sad to see it end. I enjoy reading your writting a lot, and really think, if you want to write more, that you should seriously consider doing a written form of the games as well_ All juicy drama of the story line without the frustration of not being able to get past kriffing droids_ Keep up the great work,