|Reviews for For the Republic|
| Guest chapter 30 . 6/2/2014
The light is NOT stronger than the dark, and this 'dark cloud' has yet to come. The Sith Empire will return.
| Guest chapter 23 . 6/2/2014
It would be impossible, unless you have Malak. And you will. But. I. Will. Kill. You. Bastila. I will kill the Jedi. I am Sith. I am Darth Vengeus.
| Guest chapter 19 . 6/2/2014
There are more ways to harm a person than his mind. The jedi rarely use them.
| Guest chapter 17 . 6/2/2014
| Guest chapter 15 . 6/2/2014
The emperor. He is at fault. Was. Now, he is dead. He will always be dead. I killed him. And so many others. The Sith Emperor is dead.
| Guest chapter 13 . 6/2/2014
The mask was from a mando...
| Guest chapter 12 . 6/2/2014
Revan. Darth Revan. Is there any difference now? Besides the obvious power difference. Darth Revan at his peak was far more powerful. Then Malak betrayed him, and the Council only made him more powerful.
| Guest chapter 10 . 6/2/2014
Darth Revan. Darth Malak. I think I like Revan better. I like power. Still... if it's the emperor talking, then I could kick him out of Malak's head. If not... I don't know.
| Guest chapter 9 . 6/2/2014
child? Kill it. With the force, kill it.
| Guest chapter 7 . 6/2/2014
Bad idea, marrying the Lord of Betrayal.
| Guest chapter 5 . 6/2/2014
Malachor V? If Kavar tells, there won't be a Malachor V.
| Guest chapter 4 . 6/2/2014
I'm kinda pissed that I had to fight Revan, but... I am a sith on the Dark council...fuck it.
| Guest chapter 2 . 6/2/2014
Um, wtf, jedi? Why do you screw up relationships? To hell with your stupid code.
| Guest chapter 1 . 6/2/2014
A. Consulars rarely use lightsabers.
B. Consulars do not beat knights with lightsabers.
C. Revan is more of a Sorcerer than a consular/sage
| Gastogh chapter 25 . 6/22/2011
Review approaching: "Long-Ass Post"-class.
- There are few misspelled words and typoes, which is good. About the only one that comes up with any regularity is misuse of the hyphen. You've got verbs like "woke-up", you sometimes use one where it's not necessary ("un-characteristically"), and you often use it instead of a dash. Part 9 has instances of all these mistakes.
- IMO the biggest issue with the story is the formatting, and the biggest problem there is that the stylistic choices change throughout the story and never seem to follow a predictable pattern.
The narrative perspective in particular is a veritable Gordian Knot; sometimes a change in POV is announced, at other times not. Sometimes the passage of time is announced, at other times not. Sometimes the location or a change of location is pointed out, at other times not. Sometimes a planet's sector of the galaxy is included in the description, at other times not. Sometimes the narrative shift is follows a location ("Jedi Temple, Coruscant"), sometimes a character ("Zana."), sometimes the time ("Three weeks away from Malachor V.") and sometimes an event ("Aftermath, Second Battle of Dxun"), but never any or all of these consistently.
A more specific point about using time as the point of focus: give us a hard date. It'll be easier to follow than a chain of ten chapters of "X days/weeks/months after For the Republic: Part the Previous" and tenY scenes of "Eight days later" and "Many days later.".
All of this culminates in a kind of orgy in Part 17B. I don't really see the need for all the POV-tennis in the beginning, and the ambiguous time references later on don't make it better. There are a full *twenty* shifts in this chapter, and for a chapter of this size, that's definitely too many by a large margin.
On the whole all these shifts and their announcements or lack thereof are very inconsistent, and at times confusing. I'd say that a lot of the time the pointers are altogether unnecessary; if you're already using that "oOo0oOo" as a break (and even that only comes in after a certain point), that's good enough if all you need to tell us is that some time has passed or there's been a change in location. And if you feel that the break alone won't do and the reader could benefit from further details, consider slipping the relevant info into the narration.
Bottom line: whatever way you want to go, I would recommend making any kind of choice one way or the other and staying consistent with it.
- Another stylistic thing you might want to standardize is the expression of emphasis. Sometimes you use italics (or normal text when the larger section is italics), which is, IMO, the best way. But then, sometimes, it's bold or capitals. Capitals for emphasis are best done as rarely as physically possible, and while even bolding text isn't a shooting offense on , you should really just pick one way and stick with it. Having three or more methods and, again, using them inconcsistently is not good business.
- Your characters are good in that they all clearly have their own minds, and they're not identical. I'm concerned, though, that many of the Jedi don't really feel like Jedi. This isn't so much an issue of being out-of-character (which is totally fine), but feeling out-of-universe, so to speak.
Elaboration: for all that they've all been brought up from childhood by an Order that encourages (enforces?) celibacy, a lot of them behave like sexually frustrated teenagers. Too many of the Knights and Masters in the story have had (or eventually *will* have once Kotor 2 rolls around) some kind of tryst or spouse or lover or distant sweetheart and no one seems to mind - hell, Vrook appears to have made Council member in spite of it. Even the Masters (mostly Vrook and Kavar) seem to be barely holding their emotions in check half the time, never mind the main characters of the story. And stuff like Vrook, a member of the High Council throwing punches at Kavar at the mention of a wife who's been dead for, what, how many decades now? It doesn't really sit well when these guys are supposed to be preternaturally calm and "mindful of their feelings".
Intimate relationships or keeping their calm, it shouldn't matter. It's *hard* for people to go up against habits and indoctrination, no matter the particulars. There are always those who do, but if they form the majority of the characters who get face time, the effect is kind of lost. Everyone can't be a rebel.
- One of the things about the story that I liked best is also character-related: Revan's pettiness in her dark side days. It's not every story that I see having the regard of her troops actually tickle the main character's fancy. All too often it's "Oh, I'm so tragically resigned to my burdensome task!" or "Just listen to those sheep bleat!" or no mention whatsoever of any possible emotional significance of having everyone in a galaxy-wide military jump at your word.
I also liked that Revan actually found a nice, self-serving way to use her powers which doesn't involve wanton, psychotic violence, which is what the dark side seems to equate to with a lot of authors. The "I'll use my magical brainwashing ability to have sex with people!" angle was just great, and it's also one thing that *does* go hand-in-hand with Revan being one of those sexually active outliers from a celibate order. Nice one, yo.
Well, that's it for now. Hope you can take something away from all that. I'll be waiting for the conclusion.