|Reviews for Screams|
| fgbbdgdffb chapter 1 . 11/13/2008
This was really good even though it was depressing. I dont usually like angst but this one was nice to read
| Wyrmseeker chapter 1 . 2/19/2008
This is pretty good, although I think I see what you mean about not turning out the way you wanted it (although without knowing how you wanted it, I can't be sure). The minor issues here are with sentence structure. Check your punctuation in sentences like "she had listened for them- the screams, and she wasn’t disappointed" or "She could see them if she closed her eyes and thought about it, they went down in a whirlwind of white and red".
It also seems a little awkward when you title the fic "Screams" and center it around the screams that Fiora hears every night, but then you say "It was not the sound of a dying woman, or her dying mount." It doesn't seem like a still-living pegasus would be screaming, especially since it "whickers" a few paragraphs later. That transition could be smoother, but that was the main organizational issue. I like the non-chronological style of the story apart from that one point; you definitely handle it better than most people I've seen.
There is one more thing, though. This is a nice study of a little-explored aspect of Fiora, but it doesn't seem... complete. The problem is that you don't bring it back to Fiora after showing the pegasus dying by its killed rider. You've shown before that she hears the screams of the riders, and now she sees the pegasus in her dreams, but we don't know how that makes her feel (obvious though it may seem, the story isn't complete without it. Think of it as a psychological thing: "how does that make you feel?"). You need to bring it full-circle, and remember that the fic is about Fiora.
Aside from that, this is a good fic. It is a great new take on Fiora. As one of your other reviewers said, she and Kent get pigeonholed way too much. Fics like this can be used to break those stereotypes, so keep up the good work!
| Maxmagnus20019 chapter 1 . 11/10/2007
Sad story, Fiora is indeed a character with a difficult burden.
Good oneshot, I liked it.
| Cipher Admin Eevee chapter 1 . 11/9/2007
So... was Fiora imagining the screams, or not? Is this set directly after Uhai's battle, or many years later? The difference begins to blur when events are narrated from such a perspective... and while the use of the word 'years' in p. 12 seems to signify that a lot of time has passed, but the ending suggests differently, as the pegasus is still alive...? Your slight switch between tenses confuses me as well...
Beautifully detailed analysis of the rider-pegasus relationship.
A piece that left me with quite some confusion and things to think about. Well done. :)
| Fan Fan Girl chapter 1 . 11/9/2007
Yay Fiora yay yay!
I love Fiora! _ She's one of my favorite characters and she doesn't get enough love. And I hate it when people make her into a female version of Kent, so thanks for NOT doing that! I've thought about "the screams of a bunch of women and pegasi" too. It's definitely a deep part of her...
Yay for this story. I don't have much advice to give, really... just that the flow was sort of awkward in some places. I'm rather inclined to say that the ba-dump ba-dumps were unnecessary, but maybe it's just me. After all, in the above sentence you mentioned her heartbeat. And the organization was kind of weird. You could tell that you were wandering a bit in this fic. At first it seems like she's going to angst about the fact that only she survived, but then it sort of meanders over to random pegasus talk.
And the pegasus talk was cool! It's just, the way you got there was odd. Maybe to improve, in the beginning when Fiora's remembering the event, you could have written about it with the perspective of her AND her pegasus. Maybe give a little bit more info about her own steed.
But yay for Fiora! I can totally relate to her. I'm sort of involved with the military right now, and because of it I've been able to understand relationships within a unit a bit better. If I were in a position of leadership and everyone from my flight were killed, I would be traumatized and horrified. I don't think that I would have the strength to go on like Fiora did.
Nice work! I love your sentences still. :D You have good sentence structure, I think. The only thing to keep in mind is organization of ideas. But good job!
| Edward Houshi chapter 1 . 11/9/2007
Wow. That was incredibly descriptive. I know this might sound really wierd, but you portrayed the despair really well. I liked it, and I don't usually like sad stories. Exellent job. I look forward to reading more from you.