|Reviews for Trainer wars!|
| Cevaztyen chapter 4 . 11/13/2007
Nice! You can see battles here that you normally can't see in other fanfics. Like, for instance, Togetic vs. Froslass.
| pshycodevin chapter 4 . 11/11/2007
gyaradose against meowth!now that is unfair match
| Galbinus-Rayquaza chapter 4 . 11/11/2007
Hm. This is a pretty, ah, interesting idea for a fic-series, but there are some spots you can improve on..
First of all, I suggest that you not start every paragraph with dialogue.. Pokemon battles aren't entirely Trainer-directed, after all. I mean, it gets a little repetitive after all..
Secondly, try using more descriptive language when you're describing the battle.. I don't mean to offend you or anything, but they're really not that great, compared to some I've read. :/ I'm not very good at teaching people how to write, though, so I'll reccommend a fic that has some very decent battles, which is 'Mastering a New Start' by Bladed Scizor. However, I'll take the time here to try to help you improve your battles... just keep reading the review. '
Thirdly, try elongating your stories. It doesn't look like they're much longer than a page on Microsoft Word... :/ Which isn't much, really. Add more twists, more original ways of using moves. The game-based move use isn't set in stone, after all-make moves deflect each other, make Pokemon dodge moves using moves, take advantage of Pokemon's abilities, take advantage of a Pokemon's physical characteristics, read all the Pokedex entries you can find in your Gameboy/DS or on Serebii... you know. :D Show, don't tell.
Umm... here, why don't I try helping you improve a single move-vs-move entry?
[ “Use poison tail Dunsparce!” Dunsparce jumped into the air, and flew at Grumpig using its tiny wings.
“Bounce!” Grumpig used its tail to launch itself high into the air, over the charging Dunsparce. ]
[ "Use 'Poison Tail', Dunsparce!" Taylor commanded, punching the air out of exhilaration.
The normal-typed Pokemon readily obeyed; his yellow beehive-shaped tail glowing a vivid lavender, the Land Snake Pokemon cannonballed itself forward vigorously by flapping his tiny light-blue wings.
"Pitiful. Grumpig, use 'Bounce' to dodge it." Taylor's brother said, snickering slightly and shaking his head in disapproval. The girl's cheeks flushed an ugly red.
The Manipulate Pokemon, by way of responding, cocked her purple head to one side as the Dunsparce slowly neared. Then, at the last possible second, as if to mock the Land Snake Pokemon, the Grumpig leapt into the air, using her cerise tail as a spring and propeller. Needless to say, all that the Dunsparce's tail attack met was thin air. ]
Okayy... I admit that my new-and-improved version was not the best -eyeshift-, but it was a good deal longer and more detailed than your original entry. '
I hoped I helped you with this review.. I'm not very good at criticsm, though. :/ Anyway, please don't feel offended, because, well, I was simply trying to help you improve your writing. This fic has some great potential, and hopefully you'll adapt it well. :D
[PS] If possible, could you make the next battle Milotic vs Dragonair? :D
| Azure Butterfly chapter 4 . 11/11/2007
Drifloon vs Starly! Please? :)
| phsycodevin chapter 3 . 11/10/2007
rayquaza should of one rayquaza could of kicked his #$%&*!
| Cevaztyen chapter 1 . 11/9/2007
How about a battle between a Dunsparce and Grumpig?
| avatar the last firebender chapter 1 . 11/9/2007
i'd like to see some guy named devin with a rayquaza go up against chris with a dialgia
| fire type trainer chapter 1 . 11/9/2007
i would like to see a blazikan go up against ludacario tha would be a sweet match