|Reviews for Costume Party, Costume Play|
| Killer Moth chapter 1 . 11/15/2007
Copying/pasting my review from the SS version.
I have to say, I think it’s one of your best stories yet. Like the previous review, I’m going to splinter everything.
Narrative: While the narrative lays the groundwork of Jack’s fondness, it goes into the proper backseat as it has to. Beyond that, and the well done descriptions, the story lays itself out nicely. You’re definitely improving on the body language and the descriptions, so I’m glad you’ve taken my past words to heart. You’re showing great potential, there.
If I were to go on mechanics, I think some of the descriptions may have been overdone into the redundant style sentence. Sometimes, the audience should figure it for themselves. On the other hand, it is a costume party, so exposition is needed, like, for Abbie’s/Kara’s costume, whereas, Jack’s is more straightforward.
Beyond that, my only other nitpick could be the overuse of certain speech tag ish (since you mostly use them in narrative instead) words, like chuckle. Chuckle has many synonyms (chortle and titter are my personal favorites) for example. Now, as for verb/nouns like smile — smile doesn’t have that much in comparison (grin and beam, that’s really it. Heh.), so it isn’t as much of a deal to me.
And you employ words I normally don’t (like caustic), so it balances. That said, it’s all stylistic choices, really. And I’ve commented on this to you before, so no surprises, here. Enough of this nitpicking.
Characterization/dialogue: You definitely have our pair down — their light-teasing banter is a wonderful sight to read. I also appreciate the finer touches, like his cautiousness (he is far more restrained post-Claire), their matching self-deprecation and the obvious age difference. Many writers don’t acknowledge that much, so I’m saying I am.
And I relish the slight perverted tangent with Jack, her tongue and the cake. Jack, at this point, has more control over himself, but things do leak out. On a side note, I notice you have written more on the sexual tension. Realistic, yes, yet I tend to see it as more proper time in place. Or these two just know how to keep it in their pants, whichever.
I could comment some on Kara, and her whole plot device approach, yet I’ve been guilty of this myself, so nothing from me this time! Heh. And you made her rather interesting, for however brief she is there.
Allusions: The Spidey one is nice, nevertheless, I believe the cake banter (“There’s always cake at a birthday party. It wouldn’t be a birthday without it”) would…take the cake. Yes, that’s terrible. Anyway, it’s a spiffy allusion to both Slack and Birthmark (an animated Teen Titans episode written by David Slack to you non-fans out there), as only we’d get it. I’m surprised I detected it myself. Bravo to you.
As a final shot for the possible third encounter: since the past two have been on Jack’s POV for the most part, why not focus on Abbie’s for the next one? Just a thought.
My parting words: It’s abundantly clear you written this with heart and soul, having a charging energy within. It’s clear in the narrative and the dialogue, and that’s why this succeeds. And it’s why it has entranced me on a profound level, thoroughly topping the prior effort (well done as it was). It will be most curious to see how you channel yourself into part three as you’ve created marvelous build-up, here.
You’ve really impressed me, man. Above and beyond.
| Tracey Claybon chapter 1 . 11/15/2007
I like the pairing and the story... Nice work - and I especially liked Jack's costume for the party!