|Reviews for 005 STAR TREK: Admiral's Writ|
| n9voc chapter 5 . 10/20/2008
Another excellent piece from T.O.S. universe. The Admiral had a hidden agenda, and Kirk knew it. As it so happened, the hidden agenda also was good for the Federation. Excellent descriptive work, without going overboard! It was a war against this plague, and Rule#1 is: people die in was, Rule#2 is: you can't change rule#1.
The final nobility of the Admiral is seen, and shown great respect by the Enterprise crew.
Kudos! An Excellent Read!
| Traycon 3 and Fishey Me chapter 3 . 11/18/2007
Very nice. I approve, muchly.
While I love quick updates as much as the next person, you might want to give a little more time to editing. There are a few scentence fragments that don't seem stylistic and when you describe Spock as "ever-emotionless/always-logical" you really need to pick one.
I love how much focus you put on Uhura without having her claim center stage. She really does capture a lot of attention in the episodes, so it's cool you do it here. I love the intrigue surrounding the Admiral. I love Kirk's very-in-character sarcasm. (For me, Kirk is darn hard to write, so seeing him so in character rules.) I want to know about Kevin, I want to know how/why the disease has spread, and I am very happy. Keep it up!
| Jdog101 chapter 2 . 11/18/2007
Alright, way to go. You are really crankinhg out this story in record time. Cool
| Traycon 3 and Fishey Me chapter 2 . 11/18/2007
Well, that was not what I expected.
The elani seem almost like lycanthropic Borg, overwhelming humanoid DNA to create monstrous beasts. It's a very creative epidemic, but for some reason, I can't help but wonder if it's some kind of joke on the Admiral's part. He was as dispicable as any of the other Star Fleet admirals and commodores, using his power and position to divert and manipulate the Enterprise at his whim. I'm having a hard time believing that he - as a character- would want to take command of the vessel just to exteriminate this menance. Admirals give orders to do such things, they don't take it upon themselves to do them.
Either the elani threat is an elaborate hoax covering up Bowen's real intentions, or the admiral has some kind of personal stake in their destruction. Or, perhaps the admiral intends destruction, but the Enterprise wants to find a way to save the seven or more afflicted homeworlds.
That's all just speculation on my part though.
I'm still impressed with what you do well- character and suspence, and still irked by the italics (which were much more prevalent and ineffective in this chapter than in the last). Keep up what you do well, and work on what you don't. That's all any writer can.
| Traycon 3 and Fishey Me chapter 1 . 11/18/2007
Frankly, this reads like an episode, which is a definite compliment! I'm with McCoy, every time someone shows up saying "don't try and call for confirmation, just trust me" they're definitely trying to commandeer the ship. Probably on some personal vendetta.
The only thing that phased me, and I know it's been mentioned before, is the italicized 'reading' and 'data'. I know you explained your usage in Spock's Ultimate Truths, but typically in a short story format italics are used in dialogue to convey a strong verbal stress or in the narrative to stress the significance of the words. Every other use in the chapter was very effective, esspecially in the dialogue, but those last two at the end threw me.
Over all, you show an excellent grasp of character and you've set up a very suspenceful first scene.
| Jdog101 chapter 1 . 11/17/2007
It is great. And thanks for working on it too.
| Qoheleth chapter 1 . 11/17/2007
Dear Mr. Bivens:
Virtually all the italics in this story are unnecessary, as are most of the descriptors. The reference to whatever follows "invariably" vexing Mr. Spock makes no sense, since "invariably" suggests a sequence of like events, while "what would follow" is singular. The reference to a "second" ensign piping in the Admiral is likewise incoherent, since we have never seen a first ensign. In short, the story (as someone once said) uses the English language the way a baby uses silverware: with gusto, but sloppily.
If you can fix that, though, there's a good chance that it might be an intriguing story. From what I can see of the plot (which, admittedly, isn't much), it has the potential to become quite interesting.