|Reviews for Kim Possible Team Probable First Odd Job|
| Luke Danger chapter 1 . 2/3
I'm aware that this fic is years old and likely was one of your first, but I'm going to offer my critique of this all the same.
I think that, quite frankly, you had all the right broad ideas with this story. Play the parallels and differences to contrast Team Probable and Team Possible, and show the start for our mercenary counterparts to a teen heroine and her sidekick.
The problem - neglecting grammar which you only get better at with experience - was that I think you copied things too one to one and just changed window dressing. It felt... unoriginal, to best describe it.
As an example, Grimm through the laser web. You write it intending to be Grimm analyzed it rather than just jumping in like Kim did. It's just... well, the end result read to me as if I was watching A Sitch in Time in text form, all that was missing was a Grimm equivalent of "It's Just You", down to hitting the wall and the clients sweating towards the end. It just felt... well, I guess it just didn't feel like Grimm's style.
Now the dialogue around you did better - Grimm's approach is nominally more analytical, it's just it felt more like it was 'tell' rather than 'show'. Similar with the try out he did; it felt way too flashy to be Grimm, and this time it wasn't clear if it was Grimm showing off on his own or doing an impossible routine given by a cruel Donnie. I also really liked how you tied it all together with a short scene to lead into All Things Probable; that sense of continuity is a great thing that a lot of authors tend to neglect. Fanfiction is an unlicensed EU, and that means it should expand the universe. So stuff like that is great to help tie it together.
All in all, I'd say that you had the right broad ideas, you just didn't quite catch the execution of it to make it stand out. But quite frankly if I'm going to criticize you for that, I should recognize that around this time I was writing far worse fanfiction than this and have deleted it for very good reason (read: I was a terrible writer at the time). This? honestly... if I had written this I might've tried a rewrite once I had the experience - you know, clean it up some more, maybe bring it a little more in line with what Slyrr's written since - but I wouldn't have deleted it. This is NOT a bad fic, and all things considered I think I came into this one expecting something far worse than I really had the right to judge you for just by the misspelling the summary. It's just well, it's also not exactly a standout. It's... average, I guess. Not terrible, but not particularly spectacular either.
So to sum it up: For an early fic, you actually did a pretty good job, it just lacked deviation from the canon. It still mostly felt like younger versions of Grimm and Rhonda (and Kim when you brought her and Ron in), it's just there's some notable differences in the actual action and it lacks the heavy contrast from the comparisons that Slyrr tries to do usually.
Please don't take this as a put down - this was your work a little under ten years ago and what has been said almost certainly does not apply to your writing today, but I read the whole thing while doing a more in depth read of All Things Probable and I felt that you deserved to receive feedback for it, for both the things you did well and those you didn't. It's how authors can improve, and I think that with some time and practice you could become a capable writer in your own right.
| Skyogenic chapter 1 . 4/3/2009
Really good story here. Great job keeping true to the characters and the KP Verse. I like how you switched back and forth between Kim and Grimm at the end. :D
| Nethar chapter 1 . 2/28/2008
like it. Always wandrerd how Grimm got started on teh wohl mercenary thing.
| Karon19 chapter 1 . 11/19/2007
If Slyrr's happy, I'm happy. It's not easy taking OC's from other writers and remain truthful to the author's work while adding a little of your own unique flavor. This could lead to a partnership between you and Slyrr. Team Probable are great characters and I'd love to see them on television. Keep writing and I hope to hear from you again.
| Samurai Crunchbird chapter 1 . 11/19/2007
I enjoyed your first chapter/prelude, "First Odd Job".
I have to warn you about the FF document server...It has some issues you may encounter that can make any story lose some of its meaning:
1) It does not display full website URLs. Typing "w-dot-whatever-dot-com", without the quotes, is one way to work around *this* nuisance.
2) It also has issues displaying certain type-face characters, such as the 'at', 'pound', 'asterisk', and 'percent' signs (I am curious as whether they will appear here in the review server... #*%). This means 'giving 110 percent' (using the symbol) would read 'giving 110'.
3) If you want to use italics, underlines, or bold type to emphasize certain words in a story, be careful to review their placement in the document. Underlined words at the end of a sentence sometimes lose their corresponding punctuation marks. Words in italics or underlined sometimes get crammed next to the next word.
All of these issues may seem minor, to be sure. However, fixing these issues in the 'document edit' area will make a story easier to read,
The easier a story is to read, the better the chance people will read it to its conclusion.
Happy readers are *repeat* readers.
Repeat readers are more likely to leave reviews.
Reviews are the virtual 'coin' of this realm and the true measure of a writer's success.
I really would like to check out some other 'Team Probable' stories, but the aforementioned FF server issue kept the website from being displayed. In your reply to this review (or in a PM), please use the 'work-around' I suggested to tell me where to find these stories.
BTW, I notice this is your first Kim Possible story. I am about to start my fifth story here myself, but I have written over 300 reviews on other KP stories.
On behalf of the writers here, I would like to cordially welcome you to the KP universe. Don't be a stranger!
One other thing...I look at this tale and wonder...did you watch the "Mirror, Mirror" episode of Star Trek recently? :*)
Your friend in writing,
The Samurai Crunchbird
| Slyrr chapter 1 . 11/19/2007
I'm flattered that another author of talent felt inspired enough by my OCV's (original character villains) to write their OWN tales about them. Thanks for the story, and for keeping it grounded in the KP universe where it belongs. I admit, I never gave much thought to writing the story of their first 'mission', being more focused on when they met Kim for the first time.
Mr. Matter made me kind of wonder what his 'powers' were or his gimmick, but his two dunder-headed henchmen kind of stole the show. Short of prefacing every sentence with the word "Duh", they were the quintessential dimwit sidekicks. I'll be revealing more about TP's hometown and school in future chapters of my latest story, but the hints dropped here should also wet your whistles for things to come.
The bouncing back and forth between Kim and Grimm at the end was nice, just to remind us all that it was Kim who inspired the whole fanfiction thing in the first place. Looking forward to more tales, and again, thanks for the compliment!