|Reviews for Forever|
| SoloWing chapter 1 . 6/17/2008
Normally I'm not one for short drabbles, but this peaked my curiousity for some reason. And, man, did it deliver.
I thought it was a nice moment for Florina. And it brought home an aspect of her character that's sidelined a lot of the time; that even though she has her struggles and vices, the sky is always a viable escape for her. You did a superb job of highlighting that and bringing it home. Everything flowed very well and moved with, for lack of a better term, 'fluid grace' as you captured the emotion of the moment perfectly.
| Wyrmseeker chapter 1 . 1/17/2008
This is pretty nice. It's not truly great, I'm afraid, but considering there are only 331 words (I didn't count the note), it's an admirable piece of work and a nice glimpse into Florina's life. The present tense is a good, subtle addition to the feeling of the whole thing. I did find one instance of past tense (Flying was the best way she knew...), which does break the flow, but ignoring that, it's a nice touch. It's also odd that "her eyes fill with longing" when she looks at the sunset; isn't she free already? When she's in the sky like this, she has nothing to long for.
But that's just nitpicking; for the most part, I really like this one. I always liked the idea of the sky being important to Florina (after all, that's where she meets the object of her affections in my stories), and you've handled that concept admirably here. It's too bad this isn't longer, though, because you could have really taken this to so many more places. Ignoring that, however, it's an excellent piece of work. Good job.
| Maxmagnus20019 chapter 1 . 11/24/2007
Cute, cute, I liked it!
Simple, yet straight to the point, good job!
| Kitsilver chapter 1 . 11/22/2007
It's a lovely descriptive piece, especially the latter half where she looks to the horizon and thinks of all that there is [to see, to explore, to experience.] Few words provide a glimpse of her thoughts.
There feels like a disconnect between the first and second halves, however. "Tiny ants," "tiny toys", "miniature horses," "giggles lightly," "sighing happily," gives the impression of a little girl looking down on the people below her without a care in the world. It lacks depth to me, so I'm not very fond of the beginning.
The latter half is where I feel the piece shines. Here you show us the "longing, responsibility, hurt, sorrow," that are dispelled by the "rays of orange and red that cast their shadows over Elibe." It feels like she is looking at a sunset, knowing the day's flight must come to an end but knowing there will always be another dawn, and that the wide sky will stretch forever.
It's a pretty good short piece. I love it when someone can paint an image or a feeling with such few words, and I think you did that here.
| Edward Houshi chapter 1 . 11/21/2007
As usual, short, but very sweet! I like how you take a while to say who's narrating... It keeps things interesting!
I hope your friend's baby is alright!
| Lao Who Mai chapter 1 . 11/21/2007
Ahh...This fic makes me want to go outside during a summer afternoon with a gentle breeze, kick my shoes off, lie back and stare at the clouds going by. I completely sympathize with Florina's sentiments. The sky IS forever. It envelops us all, whether we like it or not. It's a lasting eternity, at least for we inhabitants of Earth.
Bah, ignore me while I babble nonsense. Anyway, splendid story. Good job!
| MeowSap chapter 1 . 11/21/2007
Very good! Loved the descriptions. :) Good job, keep up the Florina stories...! (And drabbles! Because they are short enough for my ADD!)
Really though, good job, your writing style is great. :)
| Fan Fan Girl chapter 1 . 11/21/2007
Hahaha... oh man... That first sentence really caught me off guard. You talked about ANTS riding HORSES and I understand that it was just a... what, a metaphor? Hyperbole? Dunno. But still, I really got this vision of ants mounted on itsy bitsy horsies and roaming around, their little antennae moving... heh... Just wondering how she would be able to distinguish horses as horses and NOT humans as humans. But this is just a really horrible nitpick; don't worry about it.
I really do like that opening sentence, though. :D
Oh. And "mane" was misspelled there, in the second paragraph.
I liked the ideas that you put into this story, but I would have liked them more if you had elaborated a little bit. A story of this size doesn't have the room to expand on all the ideas in it, so I would recommend cutting some of the extra ideas out and saving them for a rainy day (or another bit of traffic) or expanding on what you DO have.
For example, if you really wanted this story to be tighter and more impactful, you could have cut out everything from the beginning of paragraph three on and just continued your intro more fully. In the first few paragraphs there, rather than thinking of freedom, she seems to be laughing at how little and insignificant everyone down on the battlefield is. You could talk a bit more about this, I think. The intro of this piece doesn't seem to relate all that much to what follows.
Where, in the next bit, you go on to talk about freedom and responsibility and stuff, without actually telling us what she would like the freedom to do (like be herself?) and what are the responsibilities she would like to escape from (having to fight?). If you aren't going to expand on these ideas, maybe you should have cut them out.
Although it was good (love the intro!), I think you should have condensed it into one idea and wrote with a little more insight. I obviously don't have all the answers in writing, but I've noticed the same mistakes in my writing lately and I guess I'm more attuned to it...?
Plus, you said that constructive criticism would be appreciated. XD Sorry if I said anything confusing in my review.
Oh, and yay for this story! I wondered what happened to you. I was beginning to miss your FE stories... _
Speaking of which, ever played Baten Kaitos? (nudge, wink)
| Lemurian-Girl chapter 1 . 11/21/2007
I enjoyed reading this little piece. I loved the introspection, and it does seem to fit Florina very well. Good job! :)
PS: On a road trip with my family, there was such a jam that kids got out and started playing ball between the cars. I know the feeling. ;)