|Reviews for Free afternoon|
| pyrocatboy chapter 1 . 7/9/2010
-is unconsious from blood loss-
| inofan99 chapter 1 . 3/13/2009
| dontstandsoclosetome chapter 1 . 11/15/2008
I like it, though it seems plotless.
And the line "“You don’t regret it do you?” Anko seemed slightly hurt." is just NOT Anko-likeish.
| trex3000 chapter 1 . 8/9/2008
dude great story
and the lemon was great
though u could have gone more into it with ino
but still awesome story cant wait to read some of your others
| XxGothFairyLoverxX chapter 1 . 5/26/2008
i loved it it was so hot
| candyman123 chapter 1 . 5/11/2008
That was a good story,especially Anko,man she is so hot words can't even decribe it,I mean every time i look at her my nose bleeds. Well anyway...good story.
| devilsmasta chapter 1 . 4/24/2008
wow it was goiood but you should make it longer
| L chapter 1 . 4/14/2008
very cute, Anko was very naughty...
| Xhin chapter 1 . 3/10/2008
Nicely writen. It seems like you know how to expertly construct and carry out a good hentai story by now, it seems executed perfectly from start to finish. The casual setting of a young girl with nothing to do, who plans on spending a nice evening alone with a movie, a drink or two, and relaxing in a hot tub. It sets the mood slightly, and gets the reader in the mind set that Ino isn't expecting what's going to happen to her. The fact that she's taken away into this world of pleasure so swiftly and unwittingly is sort of implanted into the reader's brain, making their interest increase in the story entirely. They'll drive to read the whole thing, and the way you have it constructed simply proves that. A lot of times, writers start with wonderful settings and preferences such as these, but fail to carry it all the way through. It's as if they know what they're doing from the start, but only make their story look bad when they don't fully pull off what they set up. You on the other hand, pulled it off quite nicely, and set yourself up for a final and grand finale. You did a good job in displaying Ino's innocence toward Anko as well. We all have to remember, Ino is a thirteen year old girl, who's probably only just being submerged into the world of sex. She probably has feelings she can't explain, and you seemed to take full advantage of that aspect.
A lot of your descriptions gives the story life. For example, instead of simply saying 'she slipped her finger in', you add a touch of description, making it 'she slipped her slender finger in', which just makes for a better read by my opinion. It gives a better vivid image of what you're trying to portray. There was a certain part that I thought you could display a lot better however. “Anko, I d-don’t really think y-you should b-be d-doing this.” I get that she's stuttering, but really, you shouldn't need poorly placed punctuation to get that full feel across. By adding so much stutter, you slow down the read and make it seem as if the story is no longer, well, real. It looses its realism and begins seeming like the characters aren't real, and I'm almost under the impression that Ino is malfunctioning. A better way to describe an element of stuttering, would be to simply imply it through words. "“A-Anko, I don’t really think you should be doing this.” Ino stuttered." It's ok to add a few of those stutter punctuation marks, but a lot in one sentence makes the sentence look bad, and brings you out of the story. By simply adding "Ino stuttered" at the end, you give the reader a general idea of how she sounds, without mucking up the story any.
All in all, it was a very good read. I give this one a... 9 out of 10!
| Tergar chapter 1 . 3/5/2008
This story is making my inner pervert do a happy dance... and smile, on the inside.
| Harlequin de Rustre chapter 1 . 1/20/2008
'twould make a man hard in the pants- not.
This was an okay lemon, with a nice build-up. Try for a more tense climax next time, for this was too short.
Lesbian crap is always too short. Whereas most straight lemons go on for, say, fifty pages-worth on Microsoft Word.
Work on the storyline, laddiebuck, and you've got a story
| xXKiyoXx chapter 1 . 1/1/2008
Very Nice, Love the Descriptive sentences , and the wording. I loved this story very much...
Keep up the good work.
| AngelLucifel chapter 1 . 12/6/2007
haha, I loved the ending. It made me smile.
Anyway, for a sex fic it was pretty good. I'm normally not a fan of "just sex" fics but
a) this one was written well
and b) this one had a little substance too.
Nice in-character-ness and I must say the descriptions were lovely. heh.
So yeah, just thought I'd pop by and review one of your fics. Hope to see ya for the rest of Ask Sakura. _
| Fragrant Ink chapter 1 . 11/23/2007
I like the first one,because it was better writen but the second one has a more cretive tell tell me who's story is whos.
| Ayame Shikyo chapter 1 . 11/23/2007
Darkens wrote story 1
Xhin wrote story 2
I liked story 1 better
I actually was getting hot