|Reviews for Scratches on the Surface|
| kittykatloren chapter 1 . 3/20/2008
Another good story - I really like your work. Matthew/Leila, Hector/Lyn, Erk/Serra things are what I'd like to see more of )
| Fan Fan Girl chapter 1 . 12/10/2007
Do forgive me for being so late, won't you? I put a little more effort into writing reviews for you because I know that you appreciate them. Haven't really been on top of things lately...
Okay now... Matthew and Leila, huh? Well... To be honest, I really don't like this pairing. I mean, I loved it the first time I played the game, just like everybody else, but when I got to the FE fanfiction section, it seemed like everyone had a Matthew/Leila fic of his/her own. To say that this pairing is overdone may be an understatement. :/
That's my first criticism. But perhaps you were hit by inspiration and just wanted to practice writing more. Nothing wrong with this.
But if you want to write a really -amazing- story, I wouldn't recommend using this pairing. Unless you take it and give it an entirely new, completely original spin. Yez. And from what you have here, no offense, but it doesn't look like anything terribly groundbreaking.
Reading over this a few times, it seems as though it's not the couple itself, even, but the feeling that you're writing about. Instead of describing the emotions that would be particular to this couple and this one only, you talk about something more abstract: the human heart. When he loses his love, you liken his heart into a heavy stone. One with nicks, scratches, all kinds of scars on it. I see this story as more of an explanation of that idea than a true romantic tale about the two.
Hm... Sometimes you still have the stray unnecessary sentence. Remember how in one of your other stories, I would have liked more cohesion? I think the same for this one... If the main idea of the story is all those scratches on the surface of Matthew's heart from Leila, then cut the sentences that don't really touch on that theme. Like the sentence "He would live her dreams, and carry her hopes with him for the rest of his life. It was what kept him going." I think that you should have cut out that ending... It didn't really connect well with the theme of all the pain he got from her "scratches" in my opinion, and plus it would have been much more emotional if you had left it a little bit open-ended, with Matthew sitting there thinking cynically about his stone heart with no mention of emotional recovery.
I don't know if that makes any sense at all. Any of it. XD Please tell me you understand.
Okay, here's what you've done well...
I still admire your sentence structure and flow. I still struggle with this... I can never seem to get it right. But here, sentences come naturally after one another and it's all very readable. I commend you on that. _
Sorry for being so harsh before, but lately I've been mean in a lot of my reviews. XD I'm on a mean streak.
Thanks for writing this! Keep it up!
| Zero Admin Eevee chapter 1 . 12/3/2007
Beautiful imagery, good use of perception.
In paragraph 1, the organization of 'something easily shattered like a rock through a window' gives me the impression that the rock is 'easily shattered' instead of the window. It sounds like enigmatic Matthew, though; it sounds oddly similar in tonality to his dialogue of chapter 19E.
In paragraph 2, the elaboration on 'alone', 'Not alone, by himself, but alone in a crowd,alone emotionally' sounds a little rushed, and could probably be inferred without the elaboration based on the tendency toward the emotional aspect of the story.
I especially like the use of 'scratches' to represent the MatthewLeila relationship. What scratches a rock should be harder than a rock... so it seems to me like an indirect metaphor for the strength of everything that ties them together, and the 'map' bit a reference to canon where he states that everything he did would be for Leila (if I remember correctly). (Am I thinking too much?)
Anyway, good drabble, if a bit long. A nitpick, though- some of the formatting before or after the italics resulted in deleted spaces (I'm assuming they weren't intentional).
Good work. Keep writing. :)
| DarkBlaziken chapter 1 . 12/3/2007
who cares if this is a drabble or is random. it's nice.
i like the angst, even though the definition of this term on FF has kinda changed, when it's supposed to mean anxiety and fear.
Perfect? i kind of doubt that Matthew is a perfectionist. that's Harken i thought?
well, sad descriptions always make me emo. it's a very nice drabble if you even call it one.
Mathematics? is that supposed to be a pun or what? Math and Matt? cos i always liked to use it as such a pun. haha.
completely agrees with Matthew on the thoughts about the heart. it sounds so philosophical but for once i actually LIKE philosophy.
Great job Manna!
| unnafraher chapter 1 . 11/28/2007
Hah, awesome story! Your metaphors are wonderful and thoughtful and fit well with Matthew's character. His transition from complete despair to content resignation was thoughtful and well executed.
| Kusabi Makabe chapter 1 . 11/28/2007
Pretty good, I'd say. It seems to fit Matthew well - he is sad, but in a happy kind of way...that sounds stupid, but it sums up my thoughts better than anything else at the moment. I like how you describe the heart, with memories as the scratches on it - that they grow dim and hard to see, but leave their mark forever. Overall, a good read. :)
| Edward Houshi chapter 1 . 11/28/2007
You did a really great job with this! I really like Matthew a lot, so I might just be baised though.
I'd have to say that the metaphore about his hands being wet from dispair seemed a little overly theatrical, but that's just me. I really liked how you turned it into a sort of happy story by the end though. By the end it's not angsty so much as it's bittersweet, and that's hard to do.
| IceBlade28 chapter 1 . 11/28/2007
Hi Manna. This story seemed kind of average, though more contemplative than romantic or angsty. I like the imagery and metaphors that you use, comparing the heart to a rock rather than the cliche of glass. You could also note that a rock is opaque, just like a heart sometimes.