|Reviews for Blood omen|
| ultamite nineball chapter 11 . 12/7/2007
i realize i spelt leifs name as life heh they sound alike
| Bartholomew the Hobbit chapter 2 . 12/7/2007
Haha, Warrior, I couldn't help but laugh at the irony when you told him to watch his spelling and punctuation, when you yourself had written words like "sentance" and "grammer". Not criticizing your post, you did a good job reviewing, I just thought I'd mention that.
And I have to agree with him, Ultamite, about the spelling.
| warrior4 chapter 6 . 12/5/2007
Yes chapters are longer and that's good. However we still see a lack of proper punctuation and many typos. Please make sure you're proofreading a few times. Make sure you're doing that. Just by skimming the chapter I can see run on sentances. Please make sure you're doing all you can to write properly. I'd go into specifics, but I'd be repeating myself from earlier reviews.
| Ethias Mouse chapter 5 . 12/5/2007
Wow. This is pretty good.
| warrior4 chapter 3 . 12/1/2007
*cracks knuckles and prepares for a lengthy critique and how-to-write mini clinic*
How to "fix" this. I'm glad you asked. I hope you've got some time on your hands to read this becasue it's long. First off there are A LOT of run on sentances. For example; "He never really knew why he was her friend she was always telling him what to do or what he was doing wrong. But then again she had always been by his side she never left him when he was in trouble when they were kids and always took the blame she was loyal and even though she contradicted him constantly she was his best friend nonetheless."
This is two sentances that needs to be broken up. This is how it should have been written using proper grammer. "He never really knew why he was her friend. She was always telling him what to do or what was wrong. But then again she had always been by his side. She never left him when he was in trouble, even when they were kids. (here I would have ended the sentance and started a new one with different words) She always took the blame and she was loyal even though she contradicted him constantly. She was his best friend nonetheless." See how that reads better? Once you have a complete thought stop your sentance. That is the very definition of a sentance. One complete thought.
Next area for improvment, diologe. This is what I mean by way of an example I made up off the top of my head.
"Hello how are you?" asked Mr. Mouse.
"I'm fine, thank you for asking," replied Mr. Badger.
"You're welcome," said Mr. Mouse. "By the way how is that foot fungus coming?"
Mr. Badger frowned a bit before he answered. "Actually it's become infected and turned green. I was just on my way to have my foot cut off."
Mr. Mouse cringed at the thought. "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. I hope you get used to a wooden paw quickly."
Notice several things about that. First the words that are coming out of the mouths of Mr. Mouse and Mr. Badger are in quotations. This is important as it's proper gramer. Secondly each time a new charater speaks it's a new paragraph. This makes it MUCH easier for the reader to keep track of who is talking. Thirdly I didn't just write "said Mr. Badger" after they got done talking. Sometimes I started out with description, other times with their actual words. The ways to describe how someone is talking are limitless and are needed so we know the tone of the characters voice.
Next point. Please don't use chatspeak as diologe. Example, "she leered at him u sure took your sweet ass time didn’t ya." This should read "She leered at him. 'YOU (Capatalized for emphasis in the review. Only the first letter should be capatalized.) sure took your sweet ass time didn't ya.'" This story is not a chat room or a text message. Please don't write it as such. The same goes for using "1" for the word "one" or "won." That may help if you're trying to save money by sending shorter text messages on your cell, but in writing it's to be avoided at all costs. Write out the words. Using things like "u" for "you" or "r" for "are" is not the sign of an intellegent story.
I think the best thing that you could do right now is to have someone else proofread your story before you post it. That way you'll have a fresh set of eyes that will point out any errors that you can fix. It's part of any writing process. Story, essay, book report, take your pick. Write a rough draft. Leave it alone for a little bit so you can come back with a fresh set of eyes. Fix what you can. Have someone else proofread it. Leave it alone again for awhile. Proofread it again. Fix any other mistakes. Then post it on here.
Good writing takes time and effort. I do see promise in your work. Hopefully all of this will help you become the best writer you can be.
| ultamite nineball chapter 2 . 12/1/2007
oh and i didnot say u were flamin me i was sayin that to people that i dont care if my stuff sucks any ways thanks for the advice itz all good and i hope ull continue to see the story as it progresses )
| ultamite nineball chapter 1 . 12/1/2007
as you could see friend the thingy in the front says from MY MIND in my mind a rouse is a kinda like a protecter to good you know to help others and honestly thank you for telling me i wasent using periods and such i was in the middle of school trying not to get caught heh
| warrior4 chapter 2 . 11/30/2007
I think you mistook my last review for a flame. It wasn't and shouldn't have been taken as one. It was a critique. That's what this is too. A critique is written so you have a basis for improvment. A flame is written by some yahoo who doesn't know how to give any constructive critisism.
First off in this chapter we have the lack of any sort of correct grammar. Not even a period at the end of sentances. Please, you can do better than that. I'm writing this to help you become a better writer please take it as such. If you need help with punctuation, sentance structure, or any other aspect of writing I'm sure there are numerous people like a teacher at school or a friend who could help you. Currently, and be prepared for a brutally honest statement here, this story shows less proper writing than some fifth grade "This is what I did over my weekend," reports I've read.
I strongly urge you to take your time and get your writing squared away. There is a button where someone can report you to the admins for improper grammer and such. I doubt that is anything you'd want and it's easy to avoid.
Another way for you to get a good handle on how to write well is to actually read a few novels. Take a look at not only the plot but how the book is written. Where punctuation marks are placed, when new paragraphs start, how description and diologe balance each other.
For you to just say something to the effect of "I don't care about flames" like you did shows a lack of respect for those who would try to help you. It also shows a lack of effort on your part as a writer. It's also quite rude that when someone offers you help you just shove it right back in their face. Please ammend these mistakes or I fear your story will end up being reported to the ff dot net admins and be pulled.
| warrior4 chapter 1 . 11/30/2007
Question. Why are only two of your sentances starting with correct capitilization? Every time a sentance starts the first word needs to be capitilized. What's a rouase? I tried typing it in on websters dot com and nothing showed up. Maybe it's just something spell check didn't pick up, but that is also very confusing.
"with theses unnatural powers we thought we could do any thing but we were wrong about a seven hundred years ago vulpiz became angered with our changes with ourselves thinking that all of us should be evil so he cursed my family for every other generation of my family to be imbedded with the evil disease known as the blood omen a disease that makes the diseased when angry bleed from the eyes and kill every thing in sight…." This could have been chopped up into several smaller sentances. As is it's a very long run on sentance. Please put more effort into your writing than this. Proofread a few times. Make sure your grammar is correct. It's hard to take a fanfic serious if the writer dosn't take it serious to begin with.