|Reviews for The Union of the Apprentice and the Master's daugh|
| GracefulDancingWolf chapter 20 . 3/27/2009
I LOVE IT!
KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!
| Asterisk78 chapter 19 . 10/2/2008
Interesting chapter...so they finally get married. Well, it was an interesting idea for a wedding, though you did keep everything pretty mellow and all. Nice work on this chapter.
I have a few overall notes - first, you cannot just say that something is "beautiful" (like a vow or a toast) and then not tell us what it is. That's a cop-out. If you can only describe it, then you've opened a whole other can of worms. you need a reason for the character to not be listening - for example, if I were doing this in my wedding fic, I could say: "I was sure that whatever Thomas was saying was lovely and moving and tastefully funny, but by that time I was too wasted to care." See? There's an excuse.
Secondly, the character of Siobhan. All Siobhan was in this story was a one-dimensional bad guy. We don't even know why she hates Clelia...we just know she does. Give us a reason. Show us a sign. Clarify a little.
Finally, on the subject of "that guy Daishell" - I think you meant Dashiell. Also, saying "that guy" tends to be a derogatory thing in English - you know, "Hey, who took the last cup of coffee?" "Oh, it was...THAT GUY." I would suggest changing that.
I enjoyed this chapter, and can't help but wonder if there's more on the way.
| Asterisk78 chapter 18 . 8/30/2008
I was about to PM you and ask when you planned on updating...and here it is! That is cool. Yay.
Anyway, I really enjoyed the dialogue this time. You did much better at spacing things out as well, which I think really made your story easier to read. Also, everything that your characters said was quite a bit more natural than it's been in the past. I would suggest going back and reading some things that you've written earlier and really try and assess what you've improved on - and also as sort of a treat for your ego.
However, I still noticed a few things that you could improve on. It's pretty much the same stuff as before, but I've found it's nice when someone lets you know.
"After Clelia gave General Colton all that Intel, the interrogation ended."
Despite the fact that GI Joe is a military comic, it pays to avoid using military slang outside of diaglogue. Why? Because your writing style doesn't sound very, well, military in this fic. Really, you would be better off just saying 'intelligence'.
"He was watching the whole thing through the mirror/window, Colton told her this."
Okay, I think here you're referring to a one-way mirror. As this is the term that most people are familiar with, I'd suggest changing it for the sake of clarity. Also, I would suggest changing the sentence to "General Colton had told her that Hawk had been watching the entire exchange through the one way mirror."
"She shook his hand and said, 'Hi, pleased to meet you.'"
Okay, I generally try to avoid putting commas in dialogue when the speaking is after the action, so I usually do something like this:
She took his hand firmly, and smiled. "Hi, General. Pleased to meet you."
Clelia said, “Thanks, I’m glad to join the team.”
Switch this around to "Thanks, I'm glad to join the team," Clelia said. See, you want to try and capture the flow of the dialogue with where you place the stuff after the dialogue. So, when people pause before they talk, put the action before. In a regularly paced conversation, place the dialogue after the speaking. And in a very fast conversation or argument, don't use any verbs at all, just sentences in quotes.
General Colton then said, “I’ll lead you to your children and then I’ll show you your room.” He gestured out his arm for her to follow him and he said, “Follow me.”
Okay, I'd liked to suggest the following change. "I'll take you and the kids to your room," General Colton said, waving her along. "Follow me. It's right this way."
The door opened and he was standing there. Sean’s hair was back to its original red colour, which Clelia had only seen in photos. His eyebrows were brown still and his eyes brown. With that hot muscular body, his Arashikage tattoo was on his left fore arm. Sean was wearing blue jeans, a black and white shirt and joggers.
How does Clelia know this if she's still blind? Also, for those of us uneducated in English/Aussie slang (read: ME), what are joggers? Are they like tennis shoes? Finally, that part about his hot, muscular body and Arashikage tattoo...why is that there? It's one of those darned fragments again! Make it a sentence. Please.
Sean nodded, still he did not look at him and he still looked at Clelia. General Colton looked at Clelia and said, “Good, here’s your key (He handed her a card key.) “Bye.”
No! Not the parenthesis! Remember the chapter with Junko and the biang gio? This is the exact same thing. On the other hand, all you have to do is add an end quote and a period, and remove the parenthesis. Easy, right? See, you're doing great.
Crying on her shoulder, he said, “I thought I lost you.”
Suggestion: Sean sobbed softly on her shoulder. "I was so sure I had lost you."
On another note, you're doing the Snake-eyes thing again. It's Snake-Eyes. Capitalize the E!
When Shana says, “I’ll help you guys with that, Clelia’s got to talk to someone.”
Take out the when. Say this out loud to yourself, and ask if this is something you would say.
Ewoyn didn’t want to let go and grabbed her hand again and held her around the waist, she looked up at Clelia with a pleading look and said, “Don’t go!”
How old are they now, a year? They should be able to let mommy out of sight, I would think...although, I'm not the childcare expert.
Clelia held the doll in her arms like she would a newborn baby and looked Eowyn straight in the eyes and said, “Yes. Of course I will, you can trust me to look after your baby.-“ She was interrupted with “Baby girl” from Eowyn.
Clelia cradled the doll like she would a newborn. "You can trust me to look after your baby," she assured Eowyn.
"Baby GIRL," Eowyn insisted. (In real life, please use italics and not caps. It's just that this stupid review program doesn't have any italics or bolds.)
Clelia sensed they wanted the children to stay here the smell of talcum powder in the room and the movement of a baby mobile over a crib told her that.
Aren't they a bit old for mobiles? And I would think that they would be getting close to potty-training time, right?
Firefly and the others in the room laughed, he then bashed the shit out of her head with his fist so she had concussion and forgot everything. Then they all were laughing as they tried to make her think that she had lost her eye sight due to the darkness and grime. That didn’t work, that time since they were all laughing. So they bashed the shit out of her head and made her believe the second time round with no laughing.
Okay, thank you for clearing up the blindness thing, since darkenss doesn't actually make people go blind. However, I think that you could probably think of something more creative than 'bashing the shit out of' something. Come on. Everyone knows that adjective.
Snake-eyes grabbed Clelia’s shoulder and wrote on her shoulder with his finger, “Where were you is the question I want to know? What if I don’t know if I believe your story that you didn’t join Cobra of your own accord? Say I don’t believe what you made out, that you were kidnapped. What’s to stop me from believing you hadn’t set the Bowden’s up? Cause we looked everywhere for you and we couldn’t find you! Was it different then you make out, were you in a Cobra uniform and that’s why we couldn’t find you?”
What did Snakes use? A permanent marker? I dunno, I seriously think he would just write it out on paper if he really wanted her to know. Also, you'd think after the whole sitch with Storm Shadow he would realize that sometimes people join up with Cobra, but they don't stay because they want to.
She then looked at him and asked, “You do know their your babies don’t you?”
They're not their.
Anyway, very cute ending. Is this the end, or is there more? I'll keep looking!
P.S. Great work on this chapter. I think I've probably said it too much by now, but it really seems like you know what you're talking about here. Perhaps that's why the dialogue comes across as so personal.
| Asterisk78 chapter 17 . 7/24/2008
Okay, this time I noticed a few recurring issues. First, when the words you were using seemed to indicate that there was dialogue being said, you didn't use the correct punctuation or word order. Secondly, you paragraphed in places where it wasn't necessarily appropriate. Thirdly, the lack of dialogue made the story seem more like a stale recitation of events than a real story. Let's look at some sentences that really exemplify this.
Flint then tells the helicopter and another plane that they both can land over the radio, because the way is clear.
Okay, the lack of dialogue in this chapter means that you should change this sentence and sentences like this. Whenever someone is saying, reporting, telling, whatever, it needs to be dialogue. So instead of this, you could say something like:
"Blackhawk AS-788 and CV-22B, you are cleared for takeoff," Flint barked into his radio.
Next, the paragraphs. You paragraph when you move on to the next thought or when you change speakers in dialogue. It is neither appropriate nor helpful to the reader when you paragraph every time you finish a sentence. It is simply confusing, and breaks up the flow of the story.
Finally, I would like to address the lack of dialogue. If you don't put more dialogue in your story, then it is just a recitation of events. This recitation can be made interesting through a variety of methods, but generally one must try and break it up with some dialogue. If you don't, it really gets old fast.
Next, a few more suggestions.
As they go off the main building explodes, then the main hall where the hostages were kept explodes.
Why did it explode? There was nothing that indicated why it would explode, except maybe those missiles that Firefly needed help to set off. Things don't just explode. It doesn't make sense.
They make it to both planes and Clelia sees two Cobra prisoners’ dead from her not tying them up and one of them is surprisingly Ted, which she wasn’t expecting.
Why would that kill them? Did they fall out of the truck or something?
Clelia gets her babies off Mas’ud who are crying for their mama and thanks him for looking after them.
Wow, it seems like the babies have some separation issues. Maybe they need some therapy.
Clelia then is directed by Duke to get on the G.I. Joe plane with him and his team, Snake-eyes team, the Cobra soldiers prisoners, Black Out they picked up along the way who’s still alive and Firefly.
That's a really long sentence. Use punctuation to break it up. Next, Snake Eyes's
| Asterisk78 chapter 16 . 7/23/2008
Okay, the review as requested.
They leave their pizza’s and Clelia grabs her son Wade, she tells the nanny to follow her. Who’s picked Eowyn up. Clelia says, “We’re got to take my babies somewhere safe!”
Okay, I would suggest restructuring this sentence, something like:
"They leave their pizzas (apostrophes are for posession, not pluralization) and Clelia grabs Wade (we don't need to know he's her son). She tells the nanny to follow, and the woman picks up Eowyn and goes. "Come on, WE'VE (Not we're. We are got to take anything is just awkward) got to take my babies somewhere safe!"
Black Out is about to leave to fight with Cobra soldiers he’s commanding, but he tells the Soldiers to go on and he says to Clelia, “Follow me I know a place that will be safe.”
Okay, I notice that you're writing in the present tense. This is a major no no. The present tense quickly gets stale, and is generally (though not always) used with a first-person narrator, not an omnipotent third person like this story. It is used to show perception, which isn't always accurate or in the correct order. The story that I last read that used the present tense was about an uneducated boy, and once again, was a first-person narrative.
"Clelia and the nanny follow Black Out to the stairwell in the middle of the building that once they get to the bottom of the building by the stairwell, that leads to a room where the oil stations power source is, which consists of four big oval shaped metallic machines a meter long and high."
Wow, is that seriously all one sentence? Yowch. That needs to be diced up. Secondly, it's very confusing. I would suggest something like this:
"Clelia and the nanny followed Black Out to a (because we haven't seen the stairwell before, so you can't make it special by using a specific article) stairwell in the middle of the building. When they got to the bottom, they saw the oil well's power supply." Notice how you don't need to describe the power supply. It isn't important.
"This area could even override the control room controls, sitting there is a dummy guard."
Okay, it's against the rules of grammar to stick two unrelated phrases together. If you were to read this out loud, would it make sense to you? Try it. Here's what I think it should look like:
"Even though this area could have overriden the control room, it was secured only by a dummy guard."
"She takes the body out and puts Eowyn in the room, with the nanny putting Wade down, Clelia then looks at Black Out crossly."
Remember the connecting phrases? Say this out loud, and then write it like you would say it.
He shrugs and says, “What I had to kill him he works here.”
You need to add puntuation. Whenever there's a question, you need to put a question mark. Whenever there's a pause, put a comma.
Clelia hears the alarm and then sees her nanny run off pulling out a gun and saying, “I’m not sticking round here and I’m joining the fight! Bye!”
Okay, sudden changes of character are not cool. The nanny never had a personality before this, and we had no clue that she wasn't really loyal to Clelia. You need to drop hints earlier about what people are like.
Okay, and now there's the part we disagree on - leaving the kids. Yes, Clelia is a very protective mother, but it's unrealistic to expect her to carry her offspring into battle. It's arguably more dangerous for them outside the room than with her.
It just won’t budge, Clelia then hears the JOES behind her and she just ignores them and hopes for the best.
Joes isn't capitalized.
And finally, I'm astounded that no one recognizes Clelia. That's pretty unlikely, if you ask me.
| Asterisk78 chapter 15 . 5/25/2008
Wow, I'm really jazzed about your progress! This is a great looking chapter - easy to read, fun to imagine, nicely laid out - and I'm really happy that you've kept up the good work on your writing. I also really liked the plot you invented for Cobra. It's remarkably plausible, and would definitely explain the painfully expensive gas that seems to be so prevalent now.
However, there were just a few things that I noticed that you will want to to take a look at. Nothing big, but still...
First, your ninja seem to be really in to flipping. I understand how fun it is to have flippy ninja, but you should probably rein yourself in and realize that much of a ninja's movement is actually running and climbing. Even though it would be much cooler if they looked like Spiderman, we need to face reality and see that flipping everywhere is time-consuming and leads to headaches. I don't know if you've ever tried to cartwheel more than about three times, but let me tell you, it HURTS.
Also, I noticed more fragments, like this one:
"In the Saudi desert, where their going take control of the oil station and other oil stations at the same time all over the world, as part of their global take over."
This sentence prompts a question: WHAT in the Saudi desert? If your sentence ever makes you ask a question like who or what then it's a fragment. Fragments can be a literary technique when you want a short sentence that adds punch, but when you have a long fragment like this, it sounds more like you're adding something at the last minute.
"Clelia had also had training with parachuting in Cobra, so she knows how to do that."
Okay, don't talk to the readers. They'll probably just assume that Clelia has had training, so there's really no issue in them knowing that she "knows how to do that." Also, as a friend once told me, it weakens your writing by making it seem like you're apologizing for something.
"He wakes up with a jolt when the green light goes on and the sound of him jumping out of the plane his heard by Clelia."
Okay, here I'm going to nag you about passive versus active tenses. Here, you use a boring verb, is, to connect Firefly's jump to the clause "heard by Clelia." I would suggest the verb to hear, because it's more interesting to the reader. Also, when Firefly jumps, I would suggest saying "the sound of Firefly's jump", because "the sound of him jumping out of the plane" is kind of awkward.
"Moving from their bullets, so they don’t shoot her. "
Here's a fragment. I challenge you to figure out what question it asks, and then fix it so that it's no longer a fragment.
"A plane lands at the oil stations airport with Clelia’s children and nanny, also with other Cobra troops and a fail safe missile launcher to take down a Star Wars and other satellites if they are attacked."
Two questions: What is a Star Wars satellite? Also, what kind of mother is Clelia to bring toddlers to a war zone? If she was really a good mother, she would either quit Cobra or leave the children somewhere else.
"The men with the hostages in the large room are starting to get aggressive towards the hostages, treating them like the Westboro Bapist church."
What's the Westboro Baptist Church? I know I'm clueless, but hey, I want to know.
"The cold floor, she ordered blankets for Cobra to deliver to the oil station so that wouldn’t happen again."
I'm not sure the phrase "the cold floor" really belongs in this sentence. If you could find somewhere else to put it, it might sound a lot better.
Okay, and my final suggestions to you are twofold: first, read this out loud to yourself before you publish it on Fanfiction to catch anything that seems a little weird to you. It really helps me, and I think that it would really help you too.
Secondly, don't just tell us everything that happens. Use a variety of sentence lengths, a few similes, metaphors, and some imagery.
But to wrap this up (finally!), I would like to say that I'm really happy about all the progress you've made as a writer. You're really working hard at this, and I think that your dedication will help you go a long way.
| Asterisk78 chapter 14 . 4/24/2008
Oh, Clelia is playing with big, pointy sticks. I like the part where you hanged X (No names! It might spoil something). It was so nonchalant...I also laughed about how there were all the Americans at Cobra, and then they all go to kill Bush. Yes, that certainly brightened my morning.
Just a few notes...
Adamantium isn't real. I wasn't sure, so I surfed on over to Wikipedia, and lo and behold, it isn't real. Well, it's real in Marvel Comics, which GI Joe technically is, but it generally wasn't mixed with the other Marvel comics because there wasn't anyone with freakish powers...except for Snake Eyes...lol
My second question is - if Clelia's children can talk, why is she still breastfeeding? According to women I know who have breastfed, it hurts enough when the babies don't have teeth. When they have teeth, I imagine it would hurt a lot more. Would you want a toddler chomping on a highly sensitive part of your body? I certainly wouldn't.
When you were talking about the swords, I noticed the adamantium thing. However, even without the adamantium, katana and wazikashi can still cut through most things because of complex heat treatment, and how the metal for the swords is smelted. Ninjato don't have the same heat treatment, and are more like big knives than the traditional "It can cut through anything plus one" Japanese swords. Just a weird note I happened to come across: the quality of the swords was measured by what they could cut through - a wrist, a neck, the chest of one man...I think the record for the number of condemned criminals that have been impaled in one fell swoop was five. It might have been three. It's been a while since I watched that special on PBS.
Next, a few little things I noticed:
"Going up to the top of a mountain when this had to be done."
Aside from this being a fragment, as in "Who's going up the mountain?", I want to know why you need to make swords on the tops of mountains. I personally think that it's probably okay to make swords at sea level, or even below sea level if you're in that part of the Netherlands. Just wondering.
"...other normal ingredients of metal to make her swords."
Metal? What kind of metal? Steel? Iron? Tin? Aluminum? Mercury? Antimony? Give us detail! Also, a metal is usually a pure element. You would want an alloy if your talking about a mixture of metals. (This is the geek in me speaking.)
"Then she had after a day and a night completed her two ninjato swords, that upon usage at the home of Sodo on a gun. Showed that could cut right through the gun just like Clelia wanted and Firefly was impressed."
Here I would suggest different punctuation. I'm guessing you had one really, REALLY long sentence, and you needed to break it up. Here's my suggestion, because you made one of your sentences a fragment by adding that little period.
After a week and a day, Clelia had completed her two ninjato. That night, Clelia demonstrated her new weapons by slicing a rather large automatic weapon in half. Needless to say, Firefly was impressed.
(Sorry. It takes more than 24 hours. I think. Look on Wiki!)
"The children now being one and half, the nanny had to take them to hairdresser in Japan to get their haircut into styles since their hair has grown so much."
While this is true, I don't think it needs to be there. Just say that the kids were one and a half.
"On Cobra Island there was an announcement that William or Billy as he’s called is dead, the announcement being his dead body hanging from a pole with a sign, “Nobody is untouchable.”"
This is a little confusing without any punctuation. While I'm normally an advocate of different sentence lengths, I have a suggestion for this one.
"When Clelia and Firelfy arrived at Cobra Island, they were greeted by the dead body of Cobra Commander's son Billy. He hung like some ghastly puppet from a makeshift gallows, and a sign hanging from his neck gloated: “Nobody is untouchable.”"
How's that for icky?
"Firefly looked at her surprised and laughed at her face as she looked at it freaked out."
It's just a little awkward. "Freaked out" is not being used correctly. I would suggest several things: take the "d" off surprised, Firefly laughed IN her face, and just take out the bit about freaked out.
"The nanny comes in and looks after her babies who have now woken up and Clelia gets ready and goes to the mess hall with Firefly where they eat their cereal, Clelia choosing Cornflakes over Firefly’s rather sugary cereal."
Oh buddy! That's a long sentence. Let's add some periods, shall we? And how about Coco Puffs, instead of some generic sugary cereal.
"We each have coffee, but Clelia chooses a white with two over most peoples black coffee."
1. Who is we? 2. Two whats? 3. It's most people's. 4. Who says everyone drinks black coffee? Everyone around here drinks Starbuck's.
Very American of Cobra, well it is mostly full of Americans.
That made me laugh. Ha ha, yes, those darn Americans... of course, considering I am one, I guess I can laugh at that.
Then they get out and get in a Cobra black SUV and in the SUV some hip hop music is playing.
Okay, we don't need to know about the hip hop. Have a specific song or artist. It makes it more personal.
Laiq steps back from being intimidating and says, “Fine, just remember me later when you get your bonus for protecting the president so well.”
Okay, being intimidating isn't a place and therefore cannot be stepped away from. However, the guard can lose his intimidating aura, which is probably what you meant.
"Looking through the site and then she see’s him, his security looking around. Walking around the area and Condenza Rice walking with the President. Their pointing out the beautiful marble walls of the courtyard with all the art deco there on the exterior design of the building."
It's they were, not their. Also, it's Condeleezza Rice. If I spelled that wrong, I'm sorry, but I'm too lazy to look it up.
"Seeing Stormshadow, Scarlett and Snake-eyes."
It's a fragment. We need to know who sees the guyzos, and what the guyzos are doing. Also, spelling...
Snake-eyes Snake Eyes or Snake-Eyes, to differentiate him from the term in craps.
Stormshadow Storm Shadow.
"Yet he has moved and his arm strikes out at her head, causing her to feel quite winded. "
That's it? Quite winded? Darn, if I took a hit from a ninja to the head I would probably feel more that "quite winded."
"Clelia hears Kamakura behind her and she swings back and chucks a star at his head that when he flips to avoid it gets him in the arm, Clelia then does flips over to the other roof nearby and jumps into a the GIJOE helicopter that just flew close enough to the building for her to jump into."
That's another doozy of a sentence. However, since I've already rambled about shortness in sentences, I think it's time to talk about something else. First off, no one, not even a ninja, can jump onto a flying helicopter. Second, ninja can't fly. Third, it's GI Joe or G.I. Joe, like the store. GIJOE is how they write it on the toy box.
"Kamakura can be heard yelling, “We got to get WildBill out! He’s wounded and he’s severely wounded!”"
Holy crud. He's wounded AND severely wounded? He's totally screwed! P.S. It's Wild Bill. Note the space.
Also, if you listen to nothing I say (even though I know you do)...PUT IN MORE DIALOGUE! It's just you telling us everything the whole time. There's no witty repartee, no wildly hilarious riposte, no battle banter! We all need some battle banter.
Anyway, after that (it's going to be obnoxiously long again, I can feel it in my bones) I'm happy to say that I'm done. Anyway, I hope you'll consider these for next time. I really enjoyed this chapter, and I hope you'll post more soon.
And I'm sorry to hear about your cat.
| Asterisk78 chapter 13 . 4/21/2008
I get the weird feeling that this is the same as the chapter 13 you submitted before, but as I didn't review that one, I may as well review here.
I love this chapter. I love how you brought back Junko - normally I'm not a big fan of bringing people back, but it seemed like such a gyp for Storm Shadow to get a love interest and then get her killed off. I really like how strong you made her - very nice.
However, I did notice a few things to improve.
On the helicopter the night air seemed tense and Clelia could feel the heat from the red light in the plane, Firefly talks to Cobra Commander over his radio and says, “The jobs done.”
What is the red light? All I can think of is the Police song Roxanne, you know, as in "You don't have to put out that red light tonight." Also, your sentence seems a little long. Perhaps you could cut it into two sentences. Finally, keep everything in the past tense, you know, Firefly talkED to Cobra Commander, not talks...I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.
They eventually get to Cobra Island and Firefly takes her to the dungeon where in the heat of the artificial light he gives her the Koga tattoo, which is a Sai knife in red with a dragon entwined around it. Clelia got the tattoo on her right arm, on the top of her fore arm.
Another very, very long sentence. Don't be afraid of the periods, really. They're awesome. And the light thing again. THE artificial light? Why does this light deserve a definite article? Is it really AN artificial light? It's confusing. Thirdly, show us, don't tell us. So instead of telling us where Clelia got the tattoo, show us, maybe something like "Clelia watched as the ink flowed beneath her skin, and clutched the arm of her chair in pain." Finally, use action verbs! No puny little "gives". Something powerful, like scratched or cut or inscribed.
It really hurt, she bit her lip and hopes her shakes that she gets won’t spoil it. Somehow it didn’t, maybe it was the point where Firefly tied her arm up so her body that just has these shakes from trauma as a child wouldn’t ruin the tattoo.
Okay, we know about the shakes. We don't need to hear about the shakes again, and we don't need to know about the childhood trauma. Something like "It really hurt, and she bit her lip and hoped (with an -ed!) that her shakes wouldn't ruin the tattoo. Firefly looked disgusted, and bound her arm to the chair so tight that Clelia's hand began to tingle." Something like that.
Junko shrugged her black air moving around her shoulders and says, “I don’t care, where you think you seen me.
Let's add some commas. "Junko shrugged, her black hair moving around her shoulders. "I don't care where you thought you saw me."
Clelia looked down feeling uncomfortable under Junko’s long glare and she says, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to annoy you.”
What is a long glare? Just curious...
Clelia tries to move her face out of his hand but she can’t his hand was holding a too tight a grip on her, she cries out in pain.
Here, I would suggest some periods, maybe like this:
Clelia tries to move her face out of his hand, but she can’t. Firefly was holding onto her too tightly, and she cried out in pain.
Clelia nodded eating another Biang Gio saying in between bites, “Yes …mumph..”(munch munch) “he knows mph”(She swallows the Biang Gio) “my father.”
Okay, it's not really considered kosher to use parenthesis like that. I would suggest just typing out the whole sentence, and then adding "said between bites of biang gio" at the end.
Junko says, “He has a girlfriend me, well he had me.”(Junko looks down and looks at the screen door where she can hear the rain start pelting down. Then she quickly looks back at Clelia and says,) “I just wanted to know if he still thinks of me and I can’t find that out.”
Okay, again, nix the parenthesis. They aren't really necessary. Use parenthesis like a whisper. Also, what Junko says is confusing to me, at least. Maybe if you read it out loud to yourself it would help a little.
Anyway, I really did enjoy this chapter. It was really intriguing, and I'm really excited for what happens with Junko and Stormy. I mean, they do get back together, right? Please?
Of course right. lol
| Asterisk78 chapter 12 . 3/25/2008
It's great to have you back! I was almost afraid you'd just left for good. That would have been awful *tear*. Anyway, I enjoyed this chapter quite a bit. You made an intriguing chapter, and I'm so excited for Clelia (Babies! Yay! I guess twins run in the family, just like Snake Eyes and Theresa...)
And I have two friends who were born on December 5th. That's just uncanny. And, as an added plus, it's International Ninja Day. Was that on purpose?
However, I did notice just a few things that might need a little tinkering with. For example, you switched between the past and present tense a few times. You can tell when it's past tense when it ends in -ed, usually. There are lots of irregular verbs in English...just be careful.
And is Clelia still blind? She couldn't see the line on the pregnancy test if she was blind. She would have to have someone read it to her. Also, what's nigitsu? Do you mean ninjutsu? That would be the set of martial arts that ninja use, and I assume that if Clelia is training under Firefly, then she's probably learning ninjutsu.
However, you really left me hanging. Do they kill the guy? What happens to Clelia? Will she and Sean ever get back together? I can't take the agony...
P.S. I like the bit about Eowyn. Nice nod to LOTR.
| Asterisk78 chapter 11 . 2/27/2008
That was a pretty intense chapter. I would have covered my eyes if I didn't have to keep them open to read. I also really enjoyed the action in this particular chapter - it really had me hooked!
However, I did notice some things that were less successful than the rest of the chapter. For instance, you have some large blocks of text in this chapter. I would suggest breaking these things up a bit by indenting, because they are large and most frightening to readers.
I also noticed a few fragments in your sentences, for instance:
"Zartan, Alexander McMullen, Zanya, Lillian, Eve, Blackout and Vanguard."
This has plenty of subjects, but no verbs. You can tell if a sentence is a fragment when it leaves you asking why. In this case, the question would be something along the lines of "What are these people doing?"
I also noticed that you said something about "Al-qaeda know it!"
Al-Qaeda, el-Qaida, al-Qai'da, whatever you want to call it, is a singular noun, which means that its verb would be "knows."
And btw, that's George W. Bush. I know you're probably talking about the current president and not his father, so the "W" is needed to distinguish between them.
However, I really loved the dialogue in this chapter. It was well punctuated, and I felt that the punctuation you added has stepped your dialogue up to a whole new level.
Keep writing, Snakechildau!
| Asterisk78 chapter 10 . 2/20/2008
I really liked the action in this chapter! I almost couldn't stand to read the part where Clelia was about to shoot Snake Eyes. I was so sure the bullet was going to be in the next chamber...gyaa! It was scary!
I also loved the dialogue between Clelia and Sean when Clelia is bluffing about the bullets in the handgun. The way you capture the tension of the situation was simply awesome.
However, I would like to reccomend that you read this story out loud to yourself. Listen to how the sentences sound, and how the words roll around your tongue. I think it will really take your writing up that next step!
Keep up the good work, Snakechildau. I've really been enjoying reading your story, and I hope you post more soon.
| Asterisk78 chapter 9 . 2/16/2008
What an intense chapter! I'm surprised that Clelia wasn't rescued, though I assume that will be cleared up later. I love this story, it's one of my favorites.
However, I did notice some confusion on pluralization and possessives. "The Bowden's" should really be "The Bowdens", because you're talking about all the Bowdens and not something that belongs to them. Also, the pluralization of Snake Eyes is "Snake Eyes's." I know, it seems like too many s's for one phrase, but that's life.
| Asterisk78 chapter 8 . 2/15/2008
My last review was REALLY long, so I'll try and keep this one short and sweet.
Anyway, I noticed that you used a lot of bold-face type in this chapter. You've used this very effectively to set off your dialogue well, but I would suggest saving this for the times when people are really worked up.
Second, let that fine dialogue of yours shine! Add a little punctuation to your dialogue, and I think it will flow much better. For example:
“Don’t worry Cobra will pay for this!”
“Don’t worry. Cobra will pay for this!”
However, you've got me intrigued. Does Clelia have her parents' fortitude? Can she survive and escape?
I can't wait to find out!
P.S. I guess that wasn't ver short, was it? Oops.
| Asterisk78 chapter 7 . 2/13/2008
Snakechildau, I have actually been reading this story for a while, but I haven't yet gotten a chance to review.
Anyway, I have really enjoyed the plot of the story! It's very original, and the dialogue is very witty. It's great stuff.
However, I have noticed a few issues with grammar in your story that I would like to bring to your attention.
First off, you switch between the present and past tense. These tenses are both acceptable to write in. However, the past tense is used more often, and the present tense is used when time slows down, or in dialogue. I would suggest picking a tense and sticking with it, just for the sake of clarity.
Second of all, I notice some confusion about their/there/they're. For instance:
"Their were only two stops on the way, for petrol."
This should be:
THERE were only two stops on the way, for petrol.
Finally, in the first paragraph, there is some interchanging of "we" and "our". For example:
"She already knew from a sign that we are in Florida and they had just entered the Florida everglades."
This is a confusing sentence, because "we" means "I and another person or group of people." I know that I am not personally in Florida right now, and I don't think Clelia knows that. She would, however, know that she and the Bowdens are in Florida, and have just entered the Everglades in the clutches of Firefly.
Keep writing! This is good stuff, and aside from a few grammatical errors, you have a great thing going here that is worth continuing!
| Asterisk78 chapter 6 . 2/9/2008
I love the premise on this. Do we get more soon? Please?