|Reviews for Daughter of Moray|
| ladysarinablade chapter 8 . 6/29/2009
I really liked this story.. I am just wondering.. What ever happened to the egg? Is there more? I gotta know what happens...
Let me know or write more... please do...
| Alasse Greyhame chapter 8 . 11/10/2008
A good story. I liked the end the best. Giving MacBeth another chance to have a family was a good idea. What happened with the egg? Thanks for sharing.
| Gabe B chapter 8 . 12/20/2007
Good story, a very enjoyable read. I could easily see this as an episode of the series.
I particularly enjoyed this passage: "“I won’t have tha’ girl’s blood on m’hands,” MacBeth muttered as he pulled out of the driveway, nearly hitting the wrought iron gate, “son of a—”
MacBeth glanced at Beathag and she was about to finish his sentence. “Don’t ye dare.” He commanded then got out to open the gate manually."
LOL! Obviously Beathag's been picking up a little "modern vernacular".
I was slightly puzzled by this line: "“Let her go!” Beathag cried, running to MacBeth and beating on his back. “Let her go!”"
Why was Beathag begging him to let Demona go? Was it because she was scratching his face?
Also, I like how you had it turn out that the Manhattan Clan saved Isebail; I thought from the way chapter 7 ended that she was dead for sure.
That's just the kind of ending I think they would have used had this been a real episode.
Are you planning any more stories with Beathag? I would love to see a follow-up to this. Keep up the great work!
| Gabe B chapter 7 . 12/19/2007
Great chapter! Very suspenseful, I especially like your explanation for Demona's knowledge of Seona and Isebail's desire for revenge on MacBeth.
I guess I shouldn't be too surprised that Demona had Isebail plant listening devices (that's just the kind of dirty trick I would expect from her); my guess previous to this was that stories of the betrayed clan had been passed down or that Demona had somehow learned of it during the time that she and MacBeth were allies.
I can hardly wait for the next installment. Good job!
My suggestions for this one...
I would suggest a slight rewording on this passage: "'MacBeth has been good to me, as he weren’t to m’forefathers, I believe that his kindness makes up fer tha’.'"
This might read a little better: "'MacBeth has been good to me, even if he weren’t to m’forefathers. I believe that his kindness makes up fer tha’.'"
And on this one: "Suddenly Demona lashed out and caught Iseabail around the neck and threw her against the back door, making Iseabail drop her cigarette."
I suggest this: "Suddenly Demona lashed out and caught Iseabail around the neck, throwing her against the back door and making Iseabail drop her cigarette."
Also, in the final action sequence when your switching between the scene playing out with Demona and Beathag and the one the playing out with MacBeth and Isebail, I would suggest putting a row of "8's" where the scene switches (like you did after the scene with Goliath). Otherwise, it could get slightly confusing to some readers.
| Gabe B chapter 6 . 12/18/2007
Hello again! Thanks for the acknowledgement, that was an unexpected and pleasant surprise.
This was a pretty amusing chapter and I loved the whole description of Beathag's encounter with "Santa".
MacBeth's anger over her behaviour, while understandable, seemed a bit harsh (I mean honestly, I doubt she's the first to yank the beard off a department store Santa).
I sure hope Beathag sees through Demona's lies before it's too late.
As for suggestions:
1.) You might want to split this passage up into two seperate sentences: "Elisa walked over with easy, light steps so as not to scare the girl and then Beathag glanced up with surprise."
How about this: "Elisa walked over with easy, light steps so as not to scare the girl. As she moved to within a few feet of her, Beathag glanced up with surprise."
2.) You made a minor spelling error in this passage: "Beathag pulled her gray peacoat closer around her and held her head high as she went to the care, ignoring MacBeth."
I think you meant "car", not "care".
Other than that, great job! Keep up the good work.
| Gabe B chapter 5 . 12/13/2007
Wow. I wonder why Isebail has such a grudge against MacBeth? Obviously, it must be something more than her dislike of Beathag.
That comment about seeing him "in rags, a bum on the street with nowhere to go; no one to love or live for" was kinda chilling.
I also hope you'll eventually explain how Demona knew about Seona. The fact that she does doesn't bode well for MacBeth or Beathag.
See you next time!
| Gabe B chapter 4 . 12/13/2007
Still doing good! I wondered when Demona would show up in this story. Sorry I didn't get to this sooner, I've been sick for a few days.
Three minor points with this chapter:
1.) Isebail. You might want to give a brief explanation of who she is. While I can tell that she's MacBeth's maidservant, it might not be so obvious to others.
Something like this: "McDuff's maidservant, Iseabail, went about cleaning up after the girl that had come to live in her employer's mansion."
2.) "Taking the gate, Beathag shimmied up the Celtic swirls of knots imbedded in the gate and over the other side."
It sounds as if you're describing a wrought iron gate, but I'm not sure. Perhaps clarify this passage a little?
3.) MacBeth's entrance into the scene between Beathag and Demona seemed a little abrubt; one second he's not there, the next he is.
I would suggest adding a transition / introductory setence to this.
Example: "At that moment, the air was filled with the crunch of rapid footfalls in the snow behind her. 'Beatrix!' MacBeth shouted moving in between the girl and the gargoyle. 'Ye stay away from her, Demona!' "
| Gabe B chapter 3 . 12/7/2007
Still going strong. I particularly enjoyed Xanatos' dialogue; you have him down to a 't'! LOL! Actually, it's been very easy to imagine all the characters speaking what you've written for them. Good job! You're doing fine.
I'm only going to suggest one minor change this chapter. The dialogue in the following passage seems more appropriate as a reply by Beathag to Xanatos' introducing himself, than as a greeting by Xanatos:
"Beathag stood up and followed Elisa into the office of David Xanatos. 'Beathag, daughter of Eoghan of the clan Moray, pleased to meet you.' "
Something like this might read a little better: "Beathag stood up and followed Elisa into the office of David Xanatos. 'Welcome Beathag, daughter of Eoghan of the clan Moray,' he said charmingly, rising from his seat. 'It's a pleasure to meet you. I'm David Xanatos.' "
| Gabe B chapter 2 . 12/5/2007
Another excellent chapter! You're doing great!
The only part of it I found slightly confusing was your description of Beathag's surroundings when she first came to in New York.
Ie. "There was a large square thing and she was trapped on all sides, except for one that led to the dim light of a strange torch."
You might want to try and rewrite that passage for clarity. For example, was the "square thing" stone or metal? And what exactly led to the streetlight, an opening?
| Gabe B chapter 1 . 12/5/2007
Wow! You have GOT to continue this fic! You're off to a great start.
Excellent spelling, good puncuation, grammar and word choice and the accents were not difficult to understand.
Best of all, the storyline so far is appealing. I can't wait to find out what happened to Beathag and the egg. How could her father have been such a short-sighted bigot?
Keep up the good work, I'll see you next chapter!