Reviews for The Kiira Draknin Story
SilverWingedGentleman chapter 6 . 3/27/2012
I thought I submitted a review for this chapter already, but I was apparently wrong!

I think I like this chapter the most out of the story. The fighting seemed to be slightly random, but I liked how more of Kiira's past was demonstrated. I also like how Samen is coming out of the darkness more.

The dialogue seemed a bit awkward at the beginning. It delivered the feel of smack talk, yet not quite in the exact wording I'd expect.

I really like the training scene. And as for the Aura, I don't think it's cheesy at all. In fact I really like it.

As for this story as a whole...I think this chapter is easily salvageable if you intend to rewrite the story as we were saying earlier. Also, I really think you have a good story here, it's just that Kiira got too close to Mary Sue-dom. But in this chapter, she seems to be pulling away.

Best of luck as always. Sorry it took so long for this!

SilverWingedGentleman chapter 5 . 2/7/2012
Hmm...okay I can see that you're playing with a similar concept that I'm working with here. I really like it, but I think that the previous chapters may be affecting the rest of the story into the form that you spoke with me about.

I'm holding off on any structure comments for now.

First, Kiira appears to be acting out of character. Her dialog now doesn't match how she began the story. Yes, she has a friend now, but still, it is a bit early for such a drastic change. She still needs to be a bit darker. Also her personality weaknesses need to be exposed more to really hit it home that she's NOT a Sue.

This can also be applied to the other original characters. I think you simply need to exploit their character more and give us more detail and more flaws at the beginning.

Your idea of this Traveler organization is similar to something I'm working with as I've already said. However, this Lady I think should be explained more. As of now she sounds like some kind of deity, although I have a sneaking suspicion of who she actually is.

So, in conclusion, your story has the right plot, just the characters need to be adjusted.
SilverWingedGentleman chapter 3 . 1/30/2012
Hmm...okay, so I am definitely interested in Kiira's past, especially due to her violent reaction to Sephiroth. I like where you're going with this.

At first, I got worried because of all the games and movies you referenced. After finishing, I saw the disclaimer. I really didn't want you to get into legal trouble!

The mother...caused me to bristle a bit. I understand that I don't know much about her, but something made me feel a bit strange, especially since she seems to know Kiira. I assume that you'll explain this more in the later chapters.

Overall the chapter was a bit short, even for me. Normally, length is no problem, but nothing seemed to happen other than introducing the mother and Kiira's resemblance to Sephiroth. Maybe elaboration would be in order?

Kiira is seeming less of a Mary Sue than before though. She has a deep and detailed past that we as the reader want to know. I like this.
SilverWingedGentleman chapter 2 . 1/23/2012
I can see the fourth wall is utterly shattered. Like I said before, I'm interested in how Kingdom Hearts exactly fits in with this. Kiira appears to have an interesting back story that intertwines with Miri and Samen.

The story has a lot of potential, but by how you described it to me before, it appeared as though you wanted to abandon it. Is this true?
SilverWingedGentleman chapter 1 . 1/21/2012
I apologize that it took me so long to finally get to reading your story here!

Well, Kiira appears to be an interesting character, especially since she is familiar with the other worlds. Her appearance is somewhat unusual as well. I think that this will be an interesting ride for her and the others. In addition, I wonder how the other worlds will fit in? And how does she know you (cough)- I mean Miri?

As you have said before, Mary-Sue tests are completely based on the situation. Eye color is one that I've seen to sometimes be an indicator. But, the rest of her personality thus far seems to flip the stereotype. I can understand what you meant in your message.

One small thing to reconsider would be proofreading. There are a few scattered mistakes throughout the story. In addition, if you say that you will replace a section with a line break it is only right to do so - especially since it has been four years since you last updated.

I will keep reading through your story. I await to see how Kingdom Hearts fits in!

(As a side note, I liked the touch of the programming class. I COMPLETELY understand how the characters feel about the mountain of code before them.)
N0L0NG3R1NU53 chapter 6 . 9/16/2008
Sciencefictionsquirrel chapter 6 . 8/11/2008
Keep up the good work!
Sciencefictionsquirrel chapter 3 . 8/11/2008
good so far. Hey, I just realized that Kiira is an anagram of Kairi and Samen is an anagram of Ansem
Sciencefictionsquirrel chapter 2 . 8/11/2008
The plot thickens! Like cold pudding.
Mist Lionshade chapter 6 . 5/2/2008
hm hmhmhm uh i know this sala... its on the tip of my tounge... c'mon, C'MON!


Igot nothing

oh wel...

ANYWAYS, GOOD chapter! i really liked it and stuff. here's a tip; to make your writing a bit better you could put how she felt and stuff. like, in one of the chapters, when she was flying you could have put it felt awsome. i felt as free as a bird or something like that, you know? i loved this story so much, and that might make it even better! anyways, UPDATE OR eLSE!1 one!
Mist Lionshade chapter 1 . 5/1/2008
wow. looks good! whys Kira spelled Kiira in your story? different spelling lol. good story . im gonna read more!
Black Scepter chapter 6 . 4/23/2008
I hate highschool, or at least I hate snobby people who think they own the world... nuff said.

I wish I could say I knew what the sword name is from, but I don't know, currently. So no brownies for me, bummer.

Samen equals bad news too.

Michael Fri of Black Scepter.

PS. I'm getting off my ass and trying to work on Ghost Rider now.
Black Scepter chapter 5 . 2/14/2008
Michael here,

Ok, I had to reread this one to make sure I can get the facts straight this time. Kiira is the daughter of Riku, and you seemed to incorperate the ending of KH2, with the letter and all. The fanfcition crack was pretty funny, and the fact that Xehanort was an ancient evil is also interesting. I actually believe that Xehanort was a Keyblade Master once.

And I'll continue reviewing of course, now that the story is actually kicking in and all.


P.S. For the record: my faviriote character is Roxas. Sora and Riku follow up.
Black Scepter chapter 4 . 2/10/2008
Michael Fri of Black Scepter here,

I FINALLY FINISHED IT! Sorry if it took awhile, but this story is a pretty interesting read. The entire KH game is a battle of Light and Darkness (if you count the Nobodies then Nothingness), and it seems like the Heartless have taken it to the next level by targeting earth...bummer, for the poor bystanders caught up in this anyway. I'm going to keep an eye on this story, I'll check out the other one you recommeneded in a bit, for now I leave you this review.

P.S.: Did you read the next chapter of Ghost rider yet? Sorry! Couldn't help it!
DigitalTart chapter 3 . 12/21/2007
I have to agree with TurboDiva, though less...nastily. If you're really that clueless about what a Mary Sue are the traps you fell into with this character:

1. Her name itself. Weird spelling of common names are a huge tipoff.

2. Eerily beautiful, unusual physical appearance, inexplicable Japanese heritage. Her name isn't Japanese...seriously it just sounds weird.

3. If your characters can read KH manga/watch Advent Children, and you're not playing it for laughs, there's a 99% chance this is NOT good fic. It gets strange and meta and never works. If you want to write KH fic, set it in the KH world.

If you don't believe me, google "Mary Sue Litmus Test" and test her out.
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