|Reviews for My Dirty Little Secret|
| Guest chapter 1 . 1/15/2014
| Dan chapter 1 . 11/29/2012
You should continue this one day, maybe. I really love reading this story over and over again :)
| Backlash Button chapter 1 . 8/19/2012
this is so sad,yet so beautiful. i havent read this in a long time
| Ash-chan chapter 1 . 2/5/2010
OMG! I LOVE THAT SONG! This storys sweet. I liked it... No. Not just 4 the smut either. LOL O.o O.n :p O.O n.n i.i e.e c.c x.x p.q g.h dont ask. I was just testing things out LOL. BYE BYE.
| Keep Calm and Drarry On chapter 1 . 10/12/2009
omg, this is awesome!
Great job! -
| anonymous chapter 1 . 9/27/2009
omg AWESOME! i love the details n the whole story its true n seems how it would be
| jiraiyaisnoliah chapter 1 . 8/29/2009
... I actually read that. It was good. Erm. You can wright well. He. Erm I liked it... kind of creepy tho. I found it really funny... maybe coz I just had like three energy drinks! You should so wright me a Fanfic something I like tho. How about some SaiXShino or even better YinkaXBella how awesome would that be!:D I think I can only read yoai when I'm really hyper lol. ]
| HollyKalina23 chapter 1 . 8/7/2009
Nawhh that ending was soo cute but Barney's not creepy.
| nichole chapter 1 . 6/19/2009
i luv it it is so awesome i luv sasunaru and uchihacest
| aline chapter 1 . 5/7/2009
I loved it!
| Gaawa-wida-cookie chapter 1 . 1/26/2009
wow . . . i really dont know what to say . that was so good. i loved the way you kept them in charachter but still managed get the reader to understand their problem . it was brilliant it must of been one of the best naruxsasu iv read you really do have a talent . but omg it was so sexy and i love the song dirty little secret i thought it was so perfect for this situation . hehe but the part about sasuke having uke in his name was just to funny . lol XD
thank you for a great fanfic
| Dark Misstress of Unknown chapter 1 . 1/5/2009
Oh my Jesus.
This is the third story I read from you,
And I must say i love it!
Gosh I love your style!
You have such an incredible way of writing,
I would say I am envious. lol
Great job and I look forward to reading more of your stuff. )
| Sinful-Seductress-x chapter 1 . 1/1/2009
Yes barney is creepy and a pervert too! heh!
Great story, was very sweet and hot in the secretive sense D
| sasunarulove93 chapter 1 . 4/8/2008
| o-banana chapter 1 . 3/20/2008
Hey Connie! I’d be happy to review your one shots. :3
First, technicalities. There are a few grammar and spelling mistakes, but the kind SpellChecker probably won’t be able to catch, so you might want to just read your story over very carefully. Next, the use of commas. This is a very common problem, and even I do it all the time, but a comma really isn’t supposed to be used to connect more than two sentences.
Example: “The wind is blowing wildly, making the outskirts of the small town Ero-sennin and I are staying in, seem completely empty, nothing but the leaves swirling through the air, scuttling at my feet, which are pounding the pavement beneath them as I sprint through town.”
That just brings “run-on sentence” to a whole new level. Of course there will be times when you may need to have an exceptionally long sentence, but you have to be aware of the fact that if you continue a train of thought for that long, you will most likely lose your reader and inevitably dim their enjoyment of the story. For example, a better way to phrase that might have been:
“The wind is blowing wildly, making the outskirts of the small town Ero-sennin and I are staying in seem completely empty. It’s bare except for the dry leaves that swirl through the air and scuttle at my feet, which are pounding the pavement beneath them as I sprint through town.”
Another thing that bugged me was the certain use of diction. This isn’t really something you can improve on right away; it takes practice, practice, and more practice, but some words just don’t go with the flow of the story and make it seem choppy.
Example: “I force a smile onto my features.” The word ‘features’ seems really awkward when phrased like that. If you want to keep the same sentence structure, a better word would be face: “I force a smile onto my face.” Like I said before, this will just come with time. To help yourself, you might want to read classic novels by authors like Ray Bradbury or Steinbeck. They both have –excellent- use of diction.
Another thing that contributes to the flow of the story is sentence length. If your sentences are too long and wordy, you risk losing the reader’s interest, but if they are too short and choppy, you risk irritating the reader. The best works of writing have a balance between long sentences, short sentences, and sentences of medium length. I admit, I tend to ramble a lot, so my sentences may look more like a paragraph… but I’m working on it. :) For you, I have an example that irritated me especially:
“I shouldn’t be doing this. It’s wrong. I can’t believe we do this. I hate lying. I hate lying to the people I care about. But I need to. I need to so I can still see him.”
This was perhaps THE most aggravating paragraph in the entire story. Not only are all of the sentences very short, but you also use the same words (i.e., hate, lying, need to). Sometimes repetition is a very effective way of grabbing the reader’s attention, but in this case it falls flat. You want to make an effort to write as if you are putting the character’s natural thought process into words. It’s hard to give an example for something like this, but if I was to write that and try to convey the same feel, it would go something like:
“I know I shouldn’t be doing this. I don’t want to, either. Lying has always left a bad taste in my mouth, and it’s doubly worse that I have to lie to people I care about. But it isn’t a choice anymore, it’s a necessity. “
And you get the gist of it. Again, this will come from writing and further improving as a writer. Don’t try and force it, just let it come naturally.
Remember, you cannot and should not differentiate between ‘writing’ and ‘writing fanfiction’. Fanfiction can still be a work of art or a piece of literature if you choose to make it so. And I do believe that you certainly have the capabilities. :3
This review was just for the technicalities, I’ll expand on dialogue, characterization and other such things when I review your other oneshots. I’m no pro-writer that I can give supreme advice, but I hope it helped nonetheless.
It was indeed a lovely oneshot, and I enjoyed reading it very much.