Reviews for The Fall of Innocence
Guest chapter 4 . 6/15/2014
great story, do hope you decide to continue it :)
JadziaVu chapter 1 . 11/3/2012
I believe the quote is, "Bloomin' fairies!" *wink wink*. Just flexing my fan muscle is all, the story really is amazing so far, can't wait to read more!
:)
Captain Grin chapter 1 . 9/1/2009
...AWESOME!one!
ANGELofMUSICval chapter 4 . 7/6/2008
Great writing and I'm really enjoying the story so far. Legend is one of my favorite movies. Awesome job so far!
AC2 chapter 4 . 2/18/2008
Hi Hand,

I came to look at your story to see what you had done with our advice.

I like the narrative, and the way Jack has to come to terms with the fact that he has helped to destroy one unicorn, and is partly responsible for the loss of Lily. Excellent characterization, even of the minor characters. I like this a lot, and it doesn't really matter that I'm unfamiliar with the fandom, this is a good story, and I like it a lot.

Nice work so far, but I have a couple of questions:

Why did you start calling Gump "the Gump?"

Why did you put headlines like "Questions" and "A simple conversation" in the middle of the story? It jars, I'm afraid.

That's it, really. Hope these comments are helpful, and I look forward to the next chapter.
Nopa LaMais chapter 4 . 2/7/2008
And so it begins...

I just have a thing about Jack. I hate to hear from/about him. :) But it wouldn't have been much of a movie if he hadn't been in it and so then he must be there in the fan fics. Plus he stands as a reminder of what Tom Cruise was before he went all crazy and joined a cult.

Anyways, that's beside the point. I liked the brief scene with Lily, I liked your spin on the unicorns holding back the darkness, and I liked that we got to see Gump and everyone. I was slightly confused about Oona though. Is she already full sized? I assume so since Gump gave her a hug. But I wasn't completely sure.

And what happened to Rashmia (oh I think I spelled her name wrong)? We kinda lost her a few chapters back. Will she show up in the Great Tree with Lily and Darkness, or will she be sent to harry Jack and the gang? Can't wait to see.

Nice chapter, anxious for more. :)
jansarapolis chapter 4 . 2/7/2008
I am glad you updated, and that you have been doing so fairly regularly. I do check this page daily, so it is always a treat to see something new.

To be honest, this chapter did not progress the plot quick enough for my liking, but then I am one of those Legend fans who is obsessed with Lily and Darkness. Frankly, those doors can't open fast enough for my liking.

The previous reveiwer mentioned something about you being stuck? As a follower of this fanfic I can tell you what I hope to see.

Your description teased about the innocent not being innocent anymore, and that is an interesting angle. Seeing Jack tempted and corrupted by the wolf-woman would be an fresh angle for him.

As I said, I love Darkness and Lily, and the sparks between them. One thing that does not get explored often in Legend fanfics is if Lily does become "one of them", what is her character like? These things normally end with her getting it on with Darkness, but never explore what her life is like with him. What is her role as queen? How has she changed as a person? How does she feel about what the girl she used to be?

Lily's corruption could be a factor in Jack's corruption. Then the question would be, how do they come back to the light?

Or maybe you have your own ideas.

Anyway, I look forward to the next update!
AC2 chapter 3 . 2/1/2008
Back again: Good cliffhanger, nice resolution to Jack's fate.

Lilly's determination to set things right is illogical, but seems to fit the fandom. You have shown the consequences of her actions well - if you go out in the cold, you will freeze. Her determination and the effects of her guilt on her are well-rendered.

She’d wanted to see the unicorns and I had made a promise to her that she will.

Mixed tenses. Don't do that.

Oh, and from the last chapter - I sing, I will sing, I sang, I have sung.

Hope that is helpful.

- - - - - - -

Okay, you're stuck. Suggestion: Lilly has been captured by Darkness because she went out to fix the mess without a proper plan. So far, so pointlessly heroic. This is standard in my favourite films, so don't worry about it. So what next?

Well, cut back to the ailing Jack in Nell's cottage. Tell us how he is doing. His arm is shattered, it could be three months or more before he is fit to go and rescue Lilly. He should, of course, if you want to go down the predictable route. No-one will mind if you write it well. Using a section break, you can cut to the Realm of Darkness, and tell us what is happening there. Lilly would be terrified, but fascinated too. Does she get seduced, even for a little while, by Darkness? Does she seek and try to rescue the unicorn? Perhaps a bit of both? Try to make it unpredictable. Think of what would usually happen and turn these notions on their heads.

Let a bit of time pass, so Jack can maybe think of a plan. What are Lilly's parents doing? Let's cut to the palace and get a fly on the wall's look at what is happening. Perhaps another hero comes along? We can discuss this further in Plot Bunny Stew if you like.
AC2 chapter 2 . 2/1/2008
I'm ba-ack! Not bad, quite intriguing, really. Nice scene. Shame about the poor unicorn. Bad wolf. I suppose that was Rashima.

A need entered the wolf creature’s remaining good eye—the other one had turned dark red.

The first clause makes no sense. What need? Please rewrite.

His vision blurred; someone was screaming in the distance, and he knew no more.

The last clause is a cliche. Find another way to express this.
AC2 chapter 1 . 2/1/2008
Okay, I looked. Not familiar with the fandom, but can help with grammar, spelling and presentation. You need to look at this story by clicking Live Preview in the Stories link on your profile. Then you will see it as we do.

Please remember to double space between paragraphs, as you can see in this example.

Watch out for words like "spoke." While it's not technically wrong, it's not usual. "Do this," said Someone, is more usual than "Do that," spoke someone.

In your prose, you're quite good, but watch out for your imagery and personification. Hair is not sentient!

Hope this is helpful.
Nopa LaMais chapter 3 . 1/16/2008
Ohh... Darkness got her! :)

That sure didn't take long, way to trust the stranger Lily! Good thing he didn't offer her any candy. lol

This just gets better and better as you go and I'm loving the deviations you're making from the movie. I like the fact that Jack knew Gump and the others before it all went down. I wonder how Gump will take the news about the other woman Jack met today... Or will jack even tell him about that? ohh, the plot thickens! lol

I liked the name Drake. :) I used it in one of my labyrinth stories, lol. my Drake wasn't evil though, he was a sexy and sensitive dragon. Anways, that's off topic. Love this chapter, love where everything is going, and I anxiously wait for more. _
Nausicaa of the Spirits chapter 3 . 1/16/2008
Oh, Mama. *begins running around in circles* He got her! He got her! *mind begins reeling like Lily's, then I faint and Will catches me and carries me to our room. He lies me down on the bed and performs CPR* Thank you for that, Will. Oh no, how are Jack and co. gonna save the unicorn AND Lily if Jack's cursed and all that? Update soon! And by the way, you misspelled Lily's name, it's with one L instead of two. I should know. I watched the movie over summer break and I was happy with the US version, instead of the director's cut.
jansarapolis chapter 3 . 1/15/2008
yay, Darkness has Lily! For a while there you had me thinking she might take Jack's role in the saga. I hope she likes her new home...
Nausicaa of the Spirits chapter 2 . 1/9/2008
Oh man, he's gonna transform into a wolf, isn't he? *begins praying for Jack's life* Update soon!
Nopa LaMais chapter 2 . 1/5/2008
Well, that certainly broke from the movie's plot line!

I'm so happy to see the next chapter, I was afraid that maybe you had abandoned this story!

Anyways, it was a great chapter. I love the interaction between Jack and Rashima. Lily had her moments of temptation with Darkness, but Jack remained the stalwart one through out the movie. It'll be good for him to not be quite so perfect. :)

However, I did think the his reactions seemed a little OOC. For him to spy on a bathing woman is one thing, he's a forest child and I would think nudity wouldn't be such a big thing for him. But for him to first be embarressed by getting caught, then feeling self concious about his appearence, and finally the line that said "did his best impression of a sensual grin", all of those things just seemed kinda wrong to me. The embarressed thing I guess could be fine, but his worry about his appreaence seems wierd. He's in love with a princess who he sees frequently we assume and hes never felt bothered by his appearence with her. But suddenly he seems some random girl in a pool and is "suddenly conscious of its shabby appearance"? It just seems strange. And the sensual grin part, well, that's kinda out there for the innocent forest child I would think.

But all that really doesn't matter if your intent was to make Jack OOC. The story itself is going great and I love your character Rashima. So much more fun than Blix. :) Your writing was just as good as the last chapter, I especially liked your descriptions of the battle between Jack and the wolf.

Anyways, great chapter, happy to see your work again, and I can't wait for the next one!
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