|Reviews for Julayla's Grease|
| Anonymous But Interested chapter 1 . 12/13/2007
Hey there. Admittedly, I've only heard of "Grease": never actually saw it; but I still respect the effort to put new parodies here. And, anyway, good prologue and I'm definitely going to look forward to more of this as soon as time and inspiration will allow.
| NeedsmoarDelta chapter 1 . 12/13/2007
I think that a Grease parody is a cute idea, however you need to improve with showing vs. telling. Of course, telling is just as important as showing and both should be used equally.
"That evening, two people were running down the side of the beach. Then, as a seagull came to the beach side, the couple was cuddling. The two then looked at each other before kissing."
You could further into that scene by doing something like this:
The last rays of sunlight dipped beneath the horizon; in the dusky evening the silhouettes of two people running down the beach could be seen. As a seagull flew by, the couple stopped, sitting together in the sand and cuddling. Gazing into each others' eyes, the gilr leaned in closer and kissed the boy."
That kind of sucked, and I have some links that will show you how to improve your description. If you're interested, PM me.
You made a small error with dialogue tagging.
"Don't talk that way, June." Danny said with concern.
"Don't talk this way, June," Danny said with concern.
Even though Danny's dialogue is a full sentence, there should be a comma if you are going to use a suffix like said, cried, yelled, etc.
You can use a period in dialogue if it's written like this:
" Damn, I wish I could afford Meta's Alaphabet series."
"I know, it's beautiful!"
I would suggest getting a beta or someone well versed in grammar to look this over for you because while your grammar was good for the most part, I noticed that there were a lot of commas that did not need to be there.
Technically song lyrics are against the TOS but I won't harp on you this time because it goes with the story. ;)
I would just suggest toning down the bold because some readers may be turned off by it.
Some interesting casting choices here; although I don't reconize all the cartoons (I don't watch much TV) but I think Tommy would be a good T-Bird. ;)
Please keep in mind that I am not flaming you; I just want you to improve as writer.
| JusSonic chapter 1 . 12/13/2007
Very good start to a great fic, Jules. Grease is definitely the world. I can't wait for more!