|Reviews for Mutism|
| Alan chapter 21 . 5/13/2012
Addendum: The part where Forrest walks by "You're mine." seemed like a good slow motion creepy moment, I was right along with her.
| Alan chapter 22 . 5/13/2012
I think you need a few more words in the transition from the police station to the court. It was a little jumpy to follow.
"Back at the courthouse Hendrix catches Benson and Novak..."
| Alan chapter 20 . 5/13/2012
I want to be specific on this one, but I don't really think I can. I feel like if Forrest is going to have a line about being cold and calculating, taunting Elliot, then he really shouldn't have given up any information so quickly. I think maybe I would have liked the character more if he was just creepy, not tragically turned creepy by a mistake with an old girlfriend.
| Alan chapter 21 . 5/13/2012
Scary, but just enough of a touch to add that bit of pre-climax 'oh shit'
| Alan chapter 19 . 5/13/2012
This was a great chapter! I liked the perspective from Madeline, getting in her head, understanding the struggle she went through.
The details about the Greek myths were a nice addition, giving us a little taste of the sisterly relationship. Sharing stories, identifying that way was a great touch. I do feel there was just a hair too much of it though, distracting from the story. "And then there was Demeter..." That full paragraph, while adding a good detail about capture, was probably more than needed. If you like that, perhaps combine it with the first paragraph, but remove the bit about Hephaestus.
I scrolled down the page rapidly as it was in Madeline's head until I got to Antigone and Ismene. Good touch of depth, but perhaps assume the reader knows the story, oh, and definitely not 'I like comparing...' Perhaps: "I started to think of Candace and I as Antigone and Ismene, the daughters of Oedipus. Antigone wouldn't allow Ismene to be punished for something she didn't deserve, but wasn't able to help, and Atigone died alone."
There's my 2 bits for this chapter. Despite my seemingly critical analysis it was an amazing read.
| Alan chapter 17 . 5/13/2012
I have no basis to give a full critique on a court scene, but I do love the little flair of personality you kept for Casey with her moves "Casey finally relents with rolling eyes and a grunt."
| Alan chapter 16 . 5/13/2012
I may have just been reading it rather fast, but it felt like Madeline spoke too quickly. I think another line or two from Elliot, and another few moments of tension building would have made it just perfect.
| Alan chapter 12 . 5/12/2012
Very revealing for the character, still holding her mutism but fighting back, it seems. The wrist part was an interesting touch, I liked it.
| Alan chapter 8 . 5/12/2012
Interesting to see where it's going, though keep consistent with Elliot's name near the end, lol.
| Alan chapter 5 . 5/11/2012
Dialogue is hard, but you're doing an amazing job for how long ago this was written. I'd like to hear a little more description about how Elliot is speaking.
| Alan chapter 4 . 5/11/2012
Still a little rigid in the dialogue, but Madeline and Olivia's back-and-forth is getting better. Because of the wording I had trouble determining if Madeline or Olivia was bleeding at first.
Other than those small ticks another good chapter!
| Alan chapter 3 . 5/11/2012
Good setup to shift the scene to the hospital. The paragraph when the panic sets in is amazing. It got me just like it should have. But shortly after, when staring into Liv's eyes, it felt a little odd to talk about justice or revenge. It would seem more natural that she would be thinking about the feelings or emotions, rather than ideas or sentiments. The sentence after that was amazing. I don't know if that's how a victim would feel, but that is what it seemed to me.
The dialogue with Stabler felt a little rough, as did some other places, and I think the best remedy would be to read it out loud, and gauge the flow of words, see if they might sound more natural another way.
| Alan chapter 1 . 5/11/2012
I enjoyed reading the first chapter, thrown into the post crime trauma of the victim. I felt like it was being listed, not felt, though. Rather than tell me 'like they are covered in dried tears' tell me 'her eyes are stiff from the dried tears'
How is she reacting to the sensory input, not just as simple as what the imput is, if that makes sense.
| TheTBone chapter 24 . 12/24/2011
Wow. Just, wow. I don't even know what to say without getting censored on this site! This story was absolutely beyond incredible. I know you wrote this about three years ago, but I just read it now and felt like you really deserved a lengthy review telling you just how amazing this story was. One little note before I point out all the examples of your amazingness though: if this ever gets turned into an episode, I call dibs on playing Madeline (pronouced Madelynn, obviously.) 1. Because I'd probably die if I ever got to work with Mariska Hargitay. 2. Madeline's one of the best written characters I've ever read. Period. Not just on fanfiction, EVER.
Like, I sound like I'm fangirling (which probably isn't a word) but seriously, this was so great. You gave everyone such an awesome chance to shine, you included CASEY NOVAK whom I adore and you let her be actually caring and maternal and awesome! I adored all of her scenes. And the E/O at the end literally made my heart melt with joyful happiness.
The flashbacks broke my heart. Are you kidding me? Please, just stab me in the freaking heart with a knife, it would probably hurt a little less! Give me nightmares and using up a whole box of tissues over here. Probably not a good idea to read around my family, right? They witnessed me having a partial mental breakdown/crying fest, and I was about to join Madeline at Bellview I think...I looked like a crazy person.
Anyway, I absolutely adored the fact how you added old episodes into the mix! You're an avid watcher, and it makes the emotions so much more realistic.
Speaking of emotions. Holy crap. You got inside these people's heads SO WELL it's scary. Are you positive you don't write for the show?
My favorite lines (which I actually have saved to my iPod now since I loved them so much):
-The Persephone allusion.
-"Words are not necessary, even body language seems obsolete as they prowl through the house with unspoken formation, instinctively knowing which direction the other will head and exactly what angle needs to be covered at what moment by whom."
-Casey's "Sucks for you." So immature, yet an amazing zinger.
-The rambings of the words paper and piece at the end. Hilarious.
-"Casey will save her for Charlie." Struck me a lot.
-Elliot's last chapter's thoughts were beautiful.
-The fact of the piano incorporated in the story. (And the fact that I can play that piece! And The Entertainer is very obnoxious after awhile...)
-The descriptions of Madeline's facial expressions.
-Candace's character in general!
-Olivia's "now get up" being spoken sternly yet not harshly. I don't know why, but I loved that kind autority...
-The concept of "Mutism" was so interesting.
-Elliot's pain at having to break Madeline. That scene could win an Oscar. I mean it.
-Olivia and Madeline's bond. I could SO SEE IT. Freaking seriously. Olivia would definitely act like that.
There was a lot more too, but I don't want to annoy the crap out of you and recap the whole thing. Just saying, this is one of my favorite stories ever, and you're a ridiculously talented writer.
Merry Christmas! )
| Anthony L. Isom chapter 24 . 5/19/2009
Characterization and the depth of the psychology really made me envious. Also, the writing was very visceral. Made me feel I was there. Whenever Madeline spoke about Candace. Anything during flashback. Whenever Liv was reminiscing. When Madeline broke down after Elliot's false tirade. The whole thing was quite brilliant. Unpredictable, mysterious, intriguing, and heart-rending. Overall beautiful story. Madeline's my fave!