|Reviews for Turnips|
| Eduard Kassel chapter 2 . 2/22/2011
You mean tortoise?
Hmm, Jade is up to mischief. Business as usual.
Cyborg getting his sense of touch back would be huge. After the inital shock I think he would be yrilled of ther buring because it shrinks the gap between him and full human. His big fear was lossing his humanity to to the machine and this at the very least makes him more a lifeform than a mechanism.
Myu compliments, it would never have occured to me to have the rat react to cybgernetics.
Hope you are enjoying Nocturne and mine's collaboration.
| Kermit Kills chapter 1 . 5/1/2010
interesting plot. you might want to look it over though. i found a couple spelling mistakes.
| Chione Jinx S chapter 6 . 2/20/2008
I'm really loving this fanfic! UPDATE QUICKLY PLEASE! IF YOU DON'T I'LL DIE AND I DON'T WANT TO DIE BECAUSE I WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT!
| Chione Jinx S chapter 3 . 1/10/2008
UPDATE QUICKLY PLEASE! I'LL DIE IF U DON'T!
| Chione Jinx S chapter 2 . 1/6/2008
I love this story
| Lorendiac chapter 1 . 12/28/2007
I saw your comment on "Writers Anonymous" about wanting more reviews, and after I clicked on your Profile and saw this was a Teen Titans story, I figured I could take a shot at reviewing it, since I'm a Teen Titans fan myself! :)
In the first paragraph of the actual story (after we got past the bits I didn't understand about "thinking" and "Turnips" and so forth), I immediately saw you were having serious trouble with capitalization of proper nouns. Here's what you actually said:
* The teen titans were on the way to the t-tower after battling the hive at a shopping mall in jump city. They all crammed into the T-car. Cyborg drove robin sat next to him because Raven’s powers had been in the fritz, beast boy wanted to sit by her and Starfire couldn’t be trusted when she was in arms length of the car stereo. *
Here's how I would have edited that, just to fix capitalization and punctuation and a few other things, without trying to "rewrite" your work entirely:
The Teen Titans were on the way to the T-Tower after battling the Hive at a shopping mall in Jump City. They all crammed into the T-Car. Cyborg drove. Robin sat next to him because Raven’s powers had been on the fritz, Beast Boy wanted to sit by her, and Starfire couldn’t be trusted when she was within arm's length of the car stereo.
One thing - I don't think they usually call it "the T-Tower." I think they usually say "Titans Tower" or simply "The Tower." But a) I could be wrong, and b) fans will know what you mean when you say "the T-Tower," so I didn't edit out the "T-" part in front of "Tower."
There are other things that could stand some work. For instance, your third paragraph said simply:
* "I'm fine" *
That really needs some sort of punctuation at the end of the sentence. For instance:
And even then, the reader is probably still in trouble, because at this moment, we simply don't know WHICH of the five people in the car is saying: "I'm fine." Although if you had combined the second and third paragraphs, to say
Raven turned away from Beast Boy and looked out the window. “I’m fine.”
In that context, we readers could logically guess that since Raven was the subject of the first sentence in the paragraph, she was also implied to be the person speaking the words immediately following her actions of "turned away" and "looked out." But the way you have it formatted, the new paragraph of "I'm fine" could easily have some other Titan as the speaker.
This sort of thing is a problem in other spots in this chapter, as well. After Jade appears out of thin air, we have SIX teenagers all taking turns talking at various times. Three boys; three girls. We readers need all the help we can get to help us visualize who's speaking which lines of dialogue. Sometimes you tell us who said what; sometimes you don't. For instance: I don't know who said: "Okay Jade; what do you remember before landing in this car?"
Beyond that, I get the feeling you never ran the text of this chapter through a word processing program's spellcheck/grammarcheck functions. If you had, various misspellings and things might have been called to your attention.
I could make other suggestions, but I don't want to overdo it. Right now my recommendations boil down to:
1. Fix capitalization of the names of people, places, and organizations. "Teen Titans" should always be capitalized, for instance.
2. When several characters are present in a scene, be more consistent about making it clear who's saying which lines of dialogue. (On the other hand, if you've told us that only TWO are in a scene - Beast Boy and Jade, for instance - then it's easier for us to tell that each one must be responding to what the other person had just said, even if you don't tell us each time "Beast Boy said" and "Jade said," all the way through the conversation.)
3. Run the whole thing through the spellchecking and grammarchecking functions of a good word processor program, such as Microsoft Word or WordPerfect.
I do hope you will keep writing. It's just that there's a lot of little details that you still need to keep practicing so the final result looks better to readers who care about capitalization, punctuation, et cetera.