|Reviews for Virtual Star Embryology|
| coco melancholy chapter 1 . 3/29/2008
I read the first half of chapter one, (yesterday I think?) and completed the second half today. Phew. Phew, a nice long juicy chapter, at first I thought it could do with halving but now I totally disagree, it was the perfect length and ended in the right place. I was too into it yesterday to pick out mistakes, I managed to find a few in the half I read today, (but then I stopped looking so hard cos I felt bad for picking out errors O.o), so if you ever do a revision here's some corrections to consider:
I’m just a normal high school girl who /looks/ going to class and chasing boys (loves?)
Ebony has made her / down (way?)
her / through the crowd (way?)
there and / your rose on (put?)
trying / the cut the other’s rose off (to instead of the?)
to get them / confess to stealing (to?)
I don't really know if you need it or not, maybe not but I did think once or twice that VSE could do with formatting tweeks, like bold on the person talking or italic's when it's the narrative voice or : before the narrative voice or something here and there to outline different bits, though for the most part the absence of these things didn't hinder my reading of the fic, so maybe I'm just being a picky?
When I first started reading this I read it as a Utena fic with some other characters tossed in there, but soon I got impatient and irritable. Not good. So I tried reading it as an original story with some Utena characters tossed in there. And it worked. _ nice job
Okay first off, this is one of the most original pieces of fanfiction I have EVER read. VERY imaginative, VERY dynamic, VERY creative, nothing like what I could of come up with. A lot of fun to read. You got a good handle on dialogue, I loved some of the opening dialogue it was hilarious. I loved the scene between Devon and Ebony, I see that, (good, he likes to talk,) might become a recurring catchphrase XD. The high school girl added just the right amount of intrigue, the "bleep" on her name (kill bill?) was a nice touch too. The universe you've created felt very substancial too, it can't be easy mixing so many literary places together O.o (I really haven't read anything like this) and it was brilliant to see the shadow girls around, they really fit into this universe, I snorted at the helicopter bit and A-ko gossiping. The duel at the end was very interesting and the conversation and speech between uncle sam and Ebony was inriguing and well thought out. Though I'm only faintly farmiliar with some of the crossovers in here, it didn't ruin the story for me and in fact just made it all the more fascinating.
All in all I enjoyed chapter 1, it had a very movie feel to it as I read, as though I was watching a tv program instead of reading a fic. Anyway well done and hope to read chapter 2 soon.
| Black Mantha chapter 2 . 1/23/2008
I enjoyed chapter 1, it was entertaining to read.
Chapter 2 seemed much more bland. It's really nothing but set-up. Of course, that set-up might be needed for chapter 3, and if that's good, no problem.
Which is a bit the feel I get for the entire series, actually. I think how good it's going to be is largely going to be depend on what happens when the different plot lines come together.