|Reviews for Finally|
| A Forgotten Place chapter 1 . 7/18/2016
| Melodeia chapter 1 . 12/21/2012
A lovely portrayal of two tormented souls, of how their cat and mouse games have become them, have given their lives new purpose. It's always sad to lose a great opponent and in this piece, that aching really hurts, we also have that sense of restlessness, the looming of an uncertain future (what will the cat do without its mouse?).
The rain here is a wonderful element and at first, I was going to say that rain can't be that heavy, yet here, it is (it can rain heavily, though). Metaphorically, it is. And because their souls are so greatly burdened, the rain is physically heavier too.
The dialogue in this piece is very powerful. I've reread it three times now and I want to do it again. It's...magical.
If I may offer some suggestions here and there, nothing much, because you're that good of a writer. :)
"So, you finally got me." Exhausted, she can barely keep conscious, let alone close the wound. - I'd drop the "so".
"We'll see," he says. "You seem to have a knack for getting out of this. This time, I'm gonna watch you die!" - "knack of getting out of this" refers to what? Escaping death? I'd write that, for clarity.
She coughs. Her head slides to the side. Should I tell him? - Since she's wounded, I'd assume coughing would cause severe pain and more bleeding, at least until she grows numb and finally dies.
"I know I can't get away. But you see," she coughs, "that's the thing. I'm not the first to fall to you." - again, since she's wounded, I'd assume coughing would cause severe pain and more bleeding, so you could add a bit more description there.
His eyes narrow. "What?" - I'd just say "his narrow", I feel it has more of a punch and we'd also avoid repetition.
Her eyes slide off toward the rain again. Dying in the rain, she thinks, it's disturbingly peaceful, not bad. - isn't it awfully cold in the rain? I think she'd feel that.
"Uh!" The recoil unleashes a new wave of pain from her side. - what new wave, you haven't mentioned any pain yet.
| QiZ chapter 1 . 12/5/2012
I really liked this story for its abruptness. It had a mission (Show the last moments of a character and her thoughts), and it completed it. The thing is, I'm not quite sure if some of these lines were supposed to branch this story to some others that you've written, and they confused me.
"You seem to have a knack for getting out of this"
Can you explain what 'this' is? I'm assuming it's life threatening situations, but it isn't really clear.
"that's the thing. I'm not the first to fall to you."
I have no idea what this sentence is trying to portray, that's why I'm wondering if this is tying together your other stories to this one.
"Trying to figure out how to beat me?" he yanks out the six inch knife to accentuate his words."
You seem to be trying to accentuate the word beat, bolding the word works, but I think if you put the yanking of the knife right after the word (ie: "Trying to figure out how to BEAT," he yanks the six inch knife out to accentuate his words, "me?") the reader might pause on the word beat long enough to be effective.
"You showed me no mercy. Neither will I!"
Awkward phrasing, how about: "You showed no mercy. Neither will I!" Just a suggestion though.
"Eventually, "Are you dead yet?"
This line tickled my fancies, if you'll pardon my french. I read it like some kind of dark joke the Joker might make, even though it was probably meant to be serious. Good stuff.
"Copycat is not defeated and Terry is the real threat now. He sees her everywhere now."
Was this last line meant to hint to paranoia, like seeing things where they aren't? Cause that's really the only real explanation I could come up for it.
"The rain is heavy on the high Gotham roof."
Repeating this line had impact that I'm pretty sure you were aiming for, I only have a suggestion though: If you gave this sentence it's own line (ie. pressed space after you finished typing it) both at the beginning and the end of the story, then I think it might even be more impactful.
One more thing before I stop, at the beginning of the story, Terry seemed to be saying 'Copycat' a lot. Like, one sentence he'd say it, and then he'd say it again in the sentence right after it. If you were going for a kind of twitchyness/madness where he was just repeating the name over and over, then you might want to add him saying 'Copycat' a couple more time, because as it stands, it's just a little grating to see her name repeated just so, maybe it's just me.
Like I said, I liked this story. I've seen all the Batman Beyond shows from when I was younger, and this was a nice direction to go with it. Serial Killer Terry seems to be a force to be reckoned with, and I'm going to assume Copycat is an OC, if not, forgive my memory, it sucks. Keep writing!
| Fantasywriter14 chapter 1 . 8/31/2009
Ok, I really don't know who these characters are, but I still understood what was going on. That's a good thing! Your writing is good (even though I'm not a fan of present tense third person). Overall, I got the meaning of the story, I felt sorry for the characters, and it had an emotional impact on me, all of which are wonderful.
The only sentence I really had a problem with was this one:
"God, she thought, I’m dying, and I feel pity for him. That’s bad. I had no idea she hurt him that much."
In my opinion, it would look better like this:
"God, she thought, I'm dying, and I feel pity for him. That's bad. I had no idea I hurt him that much."
It wouldn't be "she". It would be "I". But that's really the only grammatical error I saw. Amazing work. Now I'm actually interested in these characters. Keep writing, my friend!
| verity candor chapter 1 . 8/18/2009
Yikes. That's horrible, to see what he's become.
| Masumi'sSword chapter 1 . 7/8/2009
Well-written, angsty piece - I got an immediate image of the darkness and the rain - a perfect backdrop for a murder. You have a very poetic quality to your narration, which I really enjoyed. Your writing is also clean (no jarring grammar or typos that I noticed) and compact (which I prefer).
| otherrealmwriter chapter 1 . 3/29/2008
A nice little dark fic. I don't know all the fandom too well but I figured I would give it a look and it is very interesting. It was really dark and angsty. Interesting to say the least. That's really all I can come up with now.