Reviews for Jealousy
SierralaineWalsh chapter 1 . 5/25/2008
This is good. I like Hector, but not for Lyn. :)

Write more. :)
DarkBlaziken chapter 1 . 3/27/2008
nice.

you didn;t botch up Hector's character. though of course i don't particularly like Hectorlyn, but the way you write the fic...i'm not against the pairing, and the fic's nice, so i have no reason to not fave it!

good analysis of Hector's char. yeah, personally i think Hector should go with Flo...but nvm.
FireEdge chapter 1 . 2/21/2008
Hm, I liked this since it was different from your other recent KentLyn fics. It's always pleasant to see their relationship from someone else's point of view. Especially when they're a "rival". However, I think Hector was a little OOC. Not BADLY so, but a little bit. Maybe it was because he was mad, but I don't know. It's kind of hard to place.

I want to read The Count of Monte Cristo, but I don't have time yet. I will one day, and when I see that line, it's probably going to remind me of this story. _ Haha.
Edward Houshi chapter 1 . 1/16/2008
Hector seemed really mean in this story, but it was because it was his thoughts and not his actions. I can understand where he's coming from, but I still don't like him that much... Oh well.

You really love your characters. It shows in your work, and it really gives it a different feel. I liked this story a lot.
Kitsilver chapter 1 . 1/7/2008
Right away, the use of first person PoV springs to the fore. Interesting choice, and I think it gives the first line more impact.

Having trouble with these lines: "I could marry her if I pleased", "I had everything he did not", "I had money, and fame, and I would never let my duties in my way where it concerned her."

It sounds like Hector is taking for granted that he can have any woman he wants because of his fame and fortune. That kind of arrogance doesn't sound like him. Ostians are known for their frugality and measuring a man by his ability not his inherited wealth, so that seems contrary to everything he's been taught.

Hector also feels rather calculating here, not something I'd expect with his fiery and brash nature. And Hector enjoying the look of defeat on Kent's face? That's so cold.

Lyndis's description is ok, but I wish there was more. It's not enough for me that she represents the life Hector wants; I want to know why he loves her.

Hector just blurting out "I love you" does sound like something he'd do. But again, assuming that she'd marry him just like that? I can see him not being used to feeling hurt and confused, but he seems so full of pent up rage, it feels off.

Lyn's reply is a great way to reject an offer of marriage from a pompous young lord, and I can see her saying it. It's true that she doesn't need money and earthy possessions to be happy. It just makes me sad that the pompous young lord is Hector.

I do like Hector wondering if his wife will ever love him for himself and not his money.

It's sweet how Hector sees that Lyn is good for Kent, and Kent good for Lyn, and accepts them because Lyn is happy. The last line I especially like.

The writing is well done. Using first person for this piece makes Hector's thoughts very clear and is a good choice, I think. It's clean without wordy or extraneous material, and it flows smoothly.

Your portrayal of Hector is what I question. It's awesome that you decided to write him again and show a side of him that we don't usually see. Jealousy, confusion, hurt are all real emotions that everyone feels, even brash young lords like him. But the way it comes off feels wrong. He seems arrogant, so sure of himself and his desirability because of his wealth and fame, when I can't imagine those things would mean anything to him. And saying that he would never allow duty to come between him and what he wants seems so off because duty to his brother and his title does mean a lot to him. Hector feels cold and calculating here, and those are two traits I can't associate him with.

Overall Manna, I still say it's a good piece because of the writing and the way you go into Hector's character. His thoughts, emotions, and motivations are very clear, even though I don't like them.

Hector's definitely an interesting character and a challenge to write. So hope to see more of him in your future works!

All the best,

Kit
Fan Fan Girl chapter 1 . 1/6/2008
[Unfortunately, he had her complete trust, her loyalty, her devotion…and I seemed to only have a rocky friendship.]

You said that you knew I liked Hector/Lyn, and that I don't care for Kent/Lyn. Well, now you know why.

The Kent/Lyn pairing seems to be totally dependent on their status as a knight and lady. If Kent weren't Lyn's vassal, would he still be so devoted to her above all others? If Lyn weren't protected by Kent, would she still take notice of him? It seems like their relationship is one of the results of their social positions. So I can't see them hooking up if, say, they were both knights or both royalty.

Hector/Lyn, on the other hand, is interesting because it's timeless and also perilous. I say perilous because even though they have some pretty romantic moments in the game, it's never a done deal. (Like you showed in this story.) Lyn and Hector both are just strong-willed enough that one false move could ruin everything - with just one big fight they could be -over-. Alternately, a successful relationship between them would produce incrediblely powerful love. Hector's fierce loyalty mixed with Lyn's affection and strength... not to mention the hidden vulnerabilities of each to spice things up. Their personalities mesh so well that any relationship they have will be an exciting one. I see Hector/Lyn as a couple that could exist in any condition, whether they be friends and equals, slaves, vassals, royalty, foreigners, etc. In my eyes, it's a timeless, deep, engaging pairing.

So yeah. Like you said, theirs will always be a rocky friendship.

And I guess that's what this story is about, really... Just their friendship. I think you handled it well. At first, I wasn't so sure that you would, though... probably because I'm not used to seeing serious Hector either. I'll get to voice later, but for now let's focus on characterization.

GREAT JOB.

Seriously. I was impressed. Though Hector did seem a little too perceptive in the beginning, it wasn't too much and it wasn't unbelievable. Yay. And after that his characterization seemed fall into place. I think you're right that Hector isn't the kind of character who would get insanely jealous, so Kent is just competition to him. He sees Kent as a threat, but not someone he can hate.

And you did a great job with his confession scene. His suddenness, frustration, and vague urgency are all things that I can see happening... And it's great how he tries to fill up the silence by practically proposing to her. Yeah, like THAT'S gonna win her over! But anyways, it shows how he jumps into things without thinking them through, and I approve. XD

And also! How Lyn catches her breath and asks if he's jealous. Then he goes and opens his big, fat mouth... XD I love your Hector! So impetuous and emotional! And he goes on to say, "A lot of good being honest with you did," and I just about died. Yes yes yes!

Hahaha... Lyn's rejection was fantastically in-character, though I find it interesting that you chose to look at the riches aspect of it. In this story, Hector kept mentioning all the fame, money, and other great stuff that he had while comparing all of it to Kent's meager belongings. And in the end it was this lack of earthly possessions/responsibilities that Lyn chose. What a cool way to look at it. I think think that in most other situations Lyn would ultimately reject Hector because being with him would limit her personal freedom. But in this story you added to that Hector's jealousy and how money would not make her happy. Wow.

And I also think that Hector's reaction to everything in the end was great; of course he was angry and he would stew over it for awhile, but he bottled it up and put on a manly face of patience and lived on! Oh Hector!

Ahahaha... I love you for this story.

[I asked to speak with her, and she had flashed me a pretty smile- not unlike any other smile she had given, but it was directed at me, which was what made it so.]

X3

Now here comes my only criticism. Voice...

The language and sentences in the beginning seem a little too beautiful and well-written to be from Hector's point of view. He seemed to be ultra-aware of everything that was happening between Kent and Lyn (though that's probably because he was stalking her) and voiced his thoughts on the topic almost... uh, gracefully. I would have used maybe more clipped sentence and irreverence... The beginning sounds like a super jealous Kent rather than a slightly jealous, desperate Hector. This problem clears up some in the middle and end, but I'd still watch out...

All in all... What a great fic. I wasn't disappointed. I like how this story covered so many different emotions and implications in just this little one-chaptered space. The Hector/Lyn shipper in me finds the ending sad, but sometimes an unhappy ending is a nice change of pace.

Great job!
Korsriddare chapter 1 . 1/5/2008
This and 'From Where I Stand' made my day when I woke up.

Hector might feel a little materialistic to the reader, but as it stands, it seems logical. Especially when he is trying to figure out for himself why he is a superior choice for Lyndis as compared to Kent.

You write Jealous!Hector well, methinks.

Keep up the good work!
Sardonic Kender Smile chapter 1 . 1/5/2008
YAY Count of Monte Cristo!

(laughs) Okay. Well. Overall I quite enjoyed this one. There were a couple of things gramatically...like "I think that was also when I noticed that he also loved her" looked a tad awkward because of the "also"s...but other than that it was fine :-).

That does seem to be a Hector-ish mannerism..."I'm gonna do what I want! GR!" It's so typical that he would hate Kent without actually hating Kent xD. Normally I'd say that the actual Hector is a bit less...materialistic than you've portrayed him (he doesn't actually care about his royal status and whatever), but that trait only made him more human, so it's all good :-P.

And of course it's KentxLyn! Brownie points for you! _

I love the second-to-last line..."and as a man—no, a friend…" That was a good resolution, in my opinion. So! Thine fic hast been approved by a kender. Good job!
Maxmagnus20019 chapter 1 . 1/5/2008
Hector seemed a bit out of character... I don't believe he would think of his position as anything, really. Even getting jealous, he wouldn't think of that.

Still, in all in all, a very interesting fanfic, keep up the good work!