|Reviews for Legacy|
| Pata Hikari chapter 1 . 12/29/2014
iWow, five seconds in and I can already tell the story's a bunch of fanon stupidity with completely ooc fanon Akane.
| shugokage chapter 4 . 3/12/2013
Amazing! This story is truly incredible I was completely fascinated by the interesting plot and concept that you used great job and thanks!
| Doomsought chapter 4 . 3/28/2010
Wow, just wow. This is different. I've never seen one like this before.
| Randoh chapter 3 . 11/13/2009
I still cant get why you let Akane off the hook. Ok, so you dont think that shes that violent normally, however, the fact is she did beat up on Ranma. Why is everybody so willing to pretend that she wasnt responsible for anything?
Anyway, the writing and storytelling is excellent. The way the whole akane thing was a sour note (IMHO) in an otherwise excellent story.
| Ganheim chapter 4 . 4/19/2008
Her father, at first. Had been totally
[Punctuation: you conclude the end of an interjection with a period where a comma should be there.]
was suffering from the same for of cancer
but some thing are still beyond us.
I mean, Daisuke’s uncle and cancer,
[Spelling: had. Not 'and'.]
“ I begin making arraignments
[Grammar: I _will_, spelling: arrangements (arraignments are judicial proceedings).]
a cancer ward and Tokyo General Hospital.”
[Spelling: ward _in_ Tokyo]
and lest the hospital.
Kasumi was nearly bedridden,
[Given the state of her body, I think that she _would_ be bedridden, not 'nearly'.]
claiming that it was an excuse to do perverted thing to her sister.
but to everyone relief Ranma claimed that he could do it instead.
[Spelling, punctuation: everyone's]
“Ranma, are you insulting my cooking AGAIN!”
[Punctuation: since this sentence is an interrogative (even if it is screeched), it needs a question mark. A small number of people don't like 'double punctuation' like the paired question mark and exclamation point, but I find no problem with them. They get the job done, and in this case I think that's what's needed.]
With a might cry
[Spelling: mighty, though the adjective isn't strictly necessary at all.]
of “RANMA NO BAKA!” the mallet of doom
[Obligatory Japanese. The story language is English, there's nothing lost in the meaning by using the English “idiot” instead of Japanese “baka”.]
Things continued to deteriorate at the Tendos.
[Possessive requires an apostrophe, and since I think the reference is to the family (singular) instead of specifically a smaller plurality of them (plural), the apostrophe should probably go before the 's'.]
not wanting to disturb the weakened you woman.
This room need airing out and
she gave an exclamation of pain as another spark of agony briefly flared in her stomach.
[A spark is something small, but this contradicts 'agony' which refers to something great. Either this should say a 'spark of pain' (which would then require rephrasing in the rest of the paragraph to avoid overuse of 'pain') or use a stronger word like 'wave' which would be fitting with 'agony', but also runs the risk of overemphasizing her current state of physical deterioration.]
he reached for a pressure point to relieve her pain.
[Over-repetition of the word 'pain'.]
a little shaky this time, but still full of confidence and warmth.
[Given the situation, I think it's fully appropriate for the grin to be shaky and a little forced. He'd try to give it an air of warmth, but I think that any confidence in it would be easily seen through as faked.]
She knew, Ranma never broke a promise, never went back on his word.
[Well, yes, he did, but he at least did place more importance on actually _living_ honor than his father, who talked more about it and did less of the action. “Do as I say, not as I do”.]
“RANMA NO BAKA!
[Obligatory Japanese. Remember what I said above: nothing's lost in translation. I also want to point out that none of these lines have speech tags, and based on knowledge of the characters alone it's not 100 percent clear who says what. That's why I recommend some sort of action or narrative detail – besides the fact that that's also my style.]
but to you honestly believe...”
[Spelling: do, not 'to'.]
I knew that you would let your family down.”
to bolster he with my ki.”
one finger on my sister I’ll..”
[A slow trailing off is shown with an ellipsis (...), an abrupt interruption is shown by an extended hyphen (-). Anything in between is arguable, but you tell us clearly that she's suddenly interrupted by Soun, so the extended hyphen belongs.]
fell back on the old patterns of taking his daughter’s side
[He does this repeatedly as a means of comic device, but since the objective of the scene is supposed to revolve around Ranma curing Kasumi, I'd skip this. Having Soun do this now just makes everybody seem pointlessly stupid and spastic, and distracts from the point you want the audience to be focusing on.]
it’s normal blue color
[Technically “its” is possessive, with “it's” being the contraction of “it is”. Just thought I'd let you know – this is a simple rule where if you mean “is” then it takes an apostrophe, and if it's not a contraction then it's just the letters.]
trying to defuse the situation
[Though 'defuse' could be used in a situation like this, I believe that you intend “diffuse” which means a slower stand-down of tension, though without necessarily completely removing it; instead of “defuse” which carries the connotation of a sudden and complete reduction.]
it further calmed the human flood.
Sure he got pissed of,
[I believe the euphemism is 'pissed _off_'.]
annoyed and peeved a lot,
the guy who would know a bankable commodity
to the wealth sick
He gathed a tray of food and
Ranma frown and the note of resignation in her voice.
[Spelling: frowned at]
Ranma lost his usual shyness to girls,
[The 'to girls' makes the sentence seem a little too much a run-on, removing it fixes the problem.]
He reached into hidden weapons space and pulled out an old,
[More often facetiously called “hammerspace” or “itemspace”, sometimes also called a “ki warp”. The last of those three is the one that I think could be most taken seriously if you want to say that he's taking it from somewhere other than a pocket. I'd still recommend that you just say he takes out a yellowed parchment, though it skips the issue of where it comes from that's not a focal point of the scene. If you really need to say, I think going with a more realistic 'pocket' is better: you're already departing from known reality with ki remapping, and you don't want to stretch the audience's suspension of disbelief too much.]
Inscribed upon it was a map of over 300 pressure points,
[I'd just say 'hundreds', as limiting it to 300 actually seams to lessen the strength of the reference.]
into the monestrous mass of corruption.
to have to watched and measured.
[Missing 'be' before 'watched'.]
Not by much, but enough to justify his theory.
[If you're going to describe Ranma's ki as a 'freight train', then saying 'not by much' just seriously conflicts your own story. Maybe instead say that it's just a start, but either lessen your earlier description or strengthen this one.]
more than half and hour.
and thought he was winning the battles,
when he had sweated enough to activate his curse.
[Spelling: sweat; that acts as the past-tense in most dialects of proper English. “Sweated” exists, but it's not considered correct to any dialect I know. Also, sweat (and apparently melting snow) doesn't activate the curse. This is explicitly shown in both manga and anime.]
infusing ki re-aligning paths
[Missing comma following 'ki'.]
Now get out of my sister’s room you pervert!”
[Idiot though she may sometimes be, this looks like too much a slap against her character. She's not _completely_ stupid and she was aware of Ranma's plan. He'd been doing this for a while, and the fact that he'd been in there for days makes it inexcusable that she'd only now break in if he had physically barricaded the door (rather than a metaphorical barricade of something more simple like saying 'nobody enters until I leave').]
She screamed “RANMA
[I would point out that this exclamation is incorrectly punctuated, but given that this is so far out of her character I have to recommend that it's removed. (If she was this stupid, she'd forget to breathe and die.)]
Ranma rocked with the blow,
[“Air Akane” was not a euphamism invented because it was funny...well not entirely. It was invented because it was accurate: she'd hit him with enough force to send him through walls. Even if he braced against the blow, his feet would break the floor, and he's too busy focused on curing Kasumi. If Akane did actually do something like attacking him at this stage, it would be double-murder. You already do a good job of showing that Ranma uses up so much of himself, that there won't be enough left after he's done. You don't have to have Akane kill him – that just looks like an unnecessary attack on her character.]
He had no ki to spare to buffer himself,
[Which would mean that he'd go flying, Kasumi would die, and the unprepared and weakened Ranma would also die.]
[Spelling/punctuation: you're. Capitalization: awake]
The worry had only increased as day after day went by with no word,
[And if Nabiki is going to lose enough resolve to show worry, then there is no way that an Akane anything faintly like what you described would ever have been kept from breaking in.]
[Spelling: amazing. And since you use a speech tag that directly modifies how the dialog is spoken, it should end with a comma to help transition instead of terminate as a period would.]
He looked horrible,
[Female form: granted, this is an arguable and confusing thing, because though he remains male in spirit in body Ranma becomes 'she'. I understand who you're talking about, but I'm used to seeing a femnine reference when talking about Ranma's girl form. Of course, since I recommended that you didn't somehow use sweat to cause him to transform, he would still be male here and there would be no issue: male Ranma would be 'he'.]
Of course that didn’t stop the fathers from immediately exploding in ire.
[Um...It should. You've already mauled Akane's character, and now you're mauling both fathers? Just one was too much, three is far too many characters broken.]
blood was now dribbling
[Capitalization: Blood. Oh, and you've got a doctor there just standing and watching? Not all doctors in Japan have taken the Hippocratic Oath (“First do no harm”, often translating into action as allowing no harm), but if you want to remain true to either there's no way you should just have him sit back and watch, he should be trying to see to the now more endangered person: Ranma. Even if you take my suggestion of having Ranma's ki depletion (and self-neglect over the many days of treatment), he'd still be the more in danger now.]
malignant little ball of evil the size of an American penny
[From all the currency I've seen across the world – and I have a lot, I collected coinage of many nations and eras until enlisting – and a penny is a penny. An American one cent piece is pretty much the same size as a Deutsch pennig, for exemple. I don't have any Japanese Yen pieces, but to my understanding a 10 Yen piece would be almost the exact same size as an “American penny”, and would be more fitting to the Japanese setting.]
spread again if given the chance.
[Of course, it could be surgically removed.]
suddenly stiffened as he felt Ranma’s ki spike.
[I'd almost think he wouldn't have enough ki left to spike. Maybe surge into enough to be easily sensed, but not 'spike' which implies significant power.]
her frame, previously wasted and emaciated now returned to it’s previously beautiful shape.
[First, capitalization: Her. Second: no, I don't care how much ki Ranma gave her, SHE LOST PHYSICAL MASS. She's not going to be regaining that without time. She may obviously look stronger and not in pain, but there's no way that she's going to spontaneously be healed from all calamity – there _will_ be signs that she once had cancer.]
he trailed off as he touched the martial artist, then stiffened in shock.
[It's going to take a few moments for him to realize that there's no heartbeat, I see this as a dawning realization and not a sudden, spontaneous 'Ranma's dead!']
Just remember, every time you send a flame, god hurt a kitten.
[Even if that was spelled correctly, that was the lamest way to discourage flames that I have ever seen.]
“You didn’t kill him, Akane. It wasn’t your fault.”
[Actually, according to the current story, she did. She's guilty on both counts.]
clutching each other for support
[Missing closing period.]
or that Ranma had become a personal friend to the Sailor Senshi
[As if the story hadn't been strained beyond the breaking point already...]
or that had received a commendation from the Emperor himself
as if the sky could decide
the taller male form with it’s arm around the shoulder of the female, both faces smiling(1).
(1) to see the picture mentioned, go to the wikipedia entry for Ranma Saotome.
[Tacky. I believe it would also be against Ranma's living wishes – remember, his issue with his curse was that he 'lost his manhood'. To be true not only to his birth form but also to his sentiment, just his male form would be the picture they show, regardless of the fact that both may have been 'shapes he wore'.]
“I met Ranma one day when he literally fell through the roof of our family shrine. Needless to say, we were very curious. He claimed to have been malleted all the way from Nerima.
[Although this is stuck on the knife-edge of 'too much, especially with unnecessary crossovers', I somehow found the mention of Air Akane funny.]
And every since
[Spelling: ever. However, I think this too much. Having him say Air Akane sent him through their roof was teetering on the brink as it was, having him return is probably too much.]
“My name is Belldandy, Goddess category one, class one,
[Can we finish with the unnecessary crossovers?]
Most souls chosen, even those of adults,
[If they're chosen at birth, how would they ever last to adults if they only make it 5 years? I think just the 'lifetime of calamity' is enough.]
Your son used up so much potential chaos, especially in the last two years, that it will be at least twenty years before we need another chaos magnet.
[Okay, much of the above was too strained to be funny, but this was comic.]
and sweated and bled for people he never knew.
And where every you are,
The first few versions had a lot more character bashing.
[Obviously not enough was clipped.]
Several construction companies had went bankrupt.
[Wording: had _gone_ bankrupt. 'Went' is improper grammar for this context.]
Ironically, she was making almost as much now, as during her betting pool and blackmail days.
[Strangely, I find it difficult to believe an intern could make as much money as an experienced racketeer.]
to but back the silks,
and who naturally she seemed to wear them.
[she seemed to _be wearing_ them?]
“Elder Khol Lon,”
[I believe that should be 'kho lon' without an 'l' on the first syllable.]
“What’id you do that for, you stupid Old Ghoul!”
[Is it too late for me to vote 'no'?]
I wanted to like this story. I really did. It's an idea that I'd never seen before. I was suspicious, but it was even interesting and not wholly 'no that's not how it works' when you turned Kasumi into Ranma. Though there were frequent spelling and punctuation errors that indicated that you both never sought a Beta, those could have been forgiven if it wasn't for Akane's out-of-character rage – that out of everything was what most strongly sounded the death knell for this story. If she was going to break down the door, she'd have done it as soon as she found out Ranma was with her sister, which would have been in one of the first treatments. Waiting until weeks of them had passed, and then days straight of the final treatment turned it into something so out-of-character that it was impossible for me to accept it.
| keyun chapter 4 . 4/3/2008
The plot would have been okay for maybe another anime.
It just doesn't feel right for Ranma 1/2.
I mean, it goes so far past the plot that you might as well make up your own characters to go along with it; I think it would make people feel a lot better reading it. I know I was incredulous through the whole thing.
It's a nice piece of work; thought-out and everything, but please, please: don't try it with Ranma?
| dragonwings7373 chapter 4 . 2/13/2008
A well writen story i like it. :)
| DCWestby chapter 3 . 1/25/2008
Oi man.. This is very well written. Easily drove me into tears... I just went to two funerals the week before... Very well written.
| Rose1948 chapter 4 . 1/12/2008
Very nicely done. ::hugs:: Thanks for sharing.
| moritynz chapter 4 . 1/10/2008
Beautiful, I'm so so glad that Kasumi didn't end up pregnant from the Ki blast that Ranma did and instead it was the legacy. The epilouge was mildly superfluous but still a nice way to end it.
Thanks for the good read
| DarkRubberNeck chapter 4 . 1/10/2008
When u say multipart fic it makes it sound like this is just the first arc of a longer fic. It would be cool if Ranma comes back to life later, like say Kasumi accidentally finds a way to bring Ranma back, and Ranma gets surprised that Kasumi is like him now. Oh well guess that means the fic is over now *cries* thankies for the great story _
| JSB chapter 4 . 1/10/2008
Well...I have to say...this is possibly one of the unfathomable story plot's I have ever read. First off...your characters were so one dimensional that I had to wonder what was wrong with you when you wrote them. Akane would never, and I mean would never attack Ranma to the point of near death, period.
Genma and Soun were completely apathetic, and shouldn't have been considering the circumstances. I'm pretty sure both understand hard it would be to cure cancer, and even if Ranma had promised that he would cure Kasumi, they would not rag on him the way they did. Especially in front of Kasumi.
And, here's the evidence of your story that disproves your chaos theory. Nabiki is concerned. If chaos supposedly brings out the worst character flaws, then she would be trying to figure out how to make a profit out of the situation, or more concerned for her sister's safety.
And lastly...the crossovers were completely unnecessary.
Anyway...well yeah, I complained a bit too much huh? Well, best wishes to you.
| Wharpt chapter 4 . 1/10/2008
I wonder what Ranma and his female self Ranko think of all of this. Would they feel guilty in imprinting Kasumi like this?
Another thought is would this change to Kasumi's ki negate Tofu's 'allergy' to her presense? After all, he got along quite well with Ranma.
And it looks like Belldandy was wrong. A new chaos magnet has arisen in very short time. Here's hoping Kasumi will last as long, if not more than, Ranma.
Would Kasumi have knowledge of the Neko-ken?
| Nysk chapter 4 . 1/10/2008
I do hope you will write more int he Ranma Genre
| Vexarian chapter 4 . 1/10/2008
Oh to have been born a genetic freak with ten thumbs if only to be able to point all of them DOWN for this fic.
I honestly don't know where to start. From your bland writing style, HEAVY amounts of raw bullshit, None-Dimensional Characters (Less then one), and honestly downright stupid.
You took a good concept, and steamrolled it until it was crap. It had no kick, no pop, nothing pulled me in, nothing kept me, and the title is VERY misleading and irrelevant to the fic itself.
You've wasted four chapters out of my life, I hope your proud of yourself.