|Reviews for A Little love|
| PuncuationFairy chapter 1 . 7/4/2017
Oh, where does the Fairy begin with this? Your spacing makes this unreadable; a new paragraph begins every time someone new talks or a new idea is being offered. The way yours are lumped together makes it hard to concentrate on the rough and uninspired 'porn' you seemed to have thrown up onto the page. If a character is 'thinking,' you use different marks to indicated this as something different from "Talking!"
Also, spell check is your friend. Keeps you from making horrible silly mistakes that makes it look like you should be reading nothing of a higher level than Dr. Seuss. I think you meant came, not gummed. I don't think Sasori is a toothless geriatric nibbling at his younger slab of man meat. And admitting has only one D, not two. It's complied, not complaied. This is only what I am seeing from the window as I write this review, I'm sure the rest of the fic is riddled with errors like a maggot-filled piece of dog shit.
And the story! I cannot tell if this is JUST an AU, or a high school fic, or just the imaginings of a rather twisted mind. I've read better self-inserts from the My Little Pony Universe. Or Cupcakes; I would much rather read that again to this.
Here's hoping your other works are any better than this.
| Elo there chapter 1 . 7/17/2012
This does seem like quite a nice story
It's a little lacking in the grammar department, but it's good all the same.
| Anon chapter 2 . 5/24/2012
This was a cute idea. Poor spelling and grammar though. On the other hand, I did find is rather humorous how in chapter two you said "Itacho".
| sasoriXdeidaraXlover chapter 4 . 5/9/2008
cool story. is there going to be a next chpt? i hope it does. _
| niver chapter 4 . 2/15/2008
Hmm, this was kinda . . . really bad.
Try slowing it down a bit, for one. Add more detail. Use a spellchecker. Make paragraphs. Like, you have it like this right now:
“Oh god Dei-kun.”He gasped out when Deidara had finaly unbuttoned the front of his schools uniform he starried for a moment at th redhead making Sasori squirm for moment “Whats wrong.”Sasori asked him “Nothing.”He said in a whisperd as he got next to Sasori’s ear “Your just so beautiful un.”He whisperd licking Sasori’s ear and nibbling it as he traced the jaw bone with his tongue as he moved to his neck biting firmly on the connection between the shoulder and the neck making Sasori yelp a little “Sorry un.”Deidara said in a low lust filled whisper into the redheads ear
Try using the space bar and the period and spellcheck, like this:
“Oh god Dei-kun.” He gasped out when Deidara had finally unbuttoned the front of his school uniform. Deidara stared for a moment at the redhead making Sasori squirm for moment. “Whats wrong.” Sasori asked him.
“Nothing.” He said in a soft tone as he got next to Sasori’s ear. “You're just so beautiful un.” He whispered licking Sasori’s ear and nibbling it as he traced the jaw bone with his tongue then moved to his neck, biting firmly on the connection between the shoulder and the neck. This made Sasori yelp a little “Sorry un.” Deidara said in a low lust filled whisper into the redhead's ear.
Trust me, it'll be a lot easier to read. Maybe you should get a beta. And please try to contain the rampant OOC-ness.
| kariuchiha19 chapter 4 . 2/3/2008
aww!soo cute!u kno i think sasodei is the only pairing where i think that both people can be uke and i like it...anywho,update soon and ttyl!
| MasterTabby chapter 4 . 1/12/2008
This seems like a cool fic but you shoulds start a new paragraph for each time someone else talks because it's kinda hard to read.
| black55widow chapter 3 . 1/10/2008
This story is not bad but it is hard to read because you need to either double space or
break your paragraphs more often.