|Reviews for White Snow edited|
| DragonFire Princess chapter 10 . 6/25/2013
dam poor Takumi here.
| w- easy enough chapter 10 . 9/21/2012
ah, poor Takumi... but he is really cute. Bunta is so sad in his grief and sake rage. I really like this story! The Takahashi brothers are pretty cute themselves too!
| Aralaiqualasse chapter 10 . 12/3/2008
OMG! Thank you for continuing this fic...I have waited for so long...
Pls continue it and complete it...
PS: WIll this ever become RyoTaKei? Or at least RyoTa? Pls...though I hope for threesome...
I so love vulnerable Takumi..
| CreotiaFlayier chapter 10 . 11/14/2008
WHY! Don't do this to me! This is such a great start! Please update soon! I am going crazy because I never knew that the website kept M ratings separate from K - T! I just discovered this and now, I am going crazy! Please finish this wonderful story!
| Katie chapter 1 . 10/4/2008
| zigra chapter 10 . 8/26/2008
Poor Takumi :-(
Write more? please!
| Your new fangirl chapter 10 . 5/28/2008
Please. Please continue the story. Don't end it there. T_T You have to continue.
| Tuli-Susi chapter 19 . 1/26/2008
I think all of your points are valid. I do prefer character development and a slightly slower-paced story. I've read too many fics where the characters are at each other's throats one day and in bed the next. Kinda disconcerting.
I like how you portrayed Bunta and expressed his feelings and viewpoint. I thought it needed to be done and you did it rather well. It's always important to look at the thoughts and actions from vaious perspectives to fully grasp the situation. And the moment Bunta finally realized that he needed help - note, not that he was wrong, that he needed help - was in the right place.
I'll be looking out for your updates and new chapters whenever you're ready!
| Haruyan chapter 18 . 1/25/2008
I disagree with lovelock8 that the story is too fast paced, I think it's okay the way things are progressing now, but that's just my opinion.
Maybe in the next chapters you could expand on Takumi's relationship with the Takahashi brothers, and perhaps develop a bit more the attraction between Ryousuke and Takumi.
Another option I think would be interesting would be a flashback of Bunta and Takumi when Takumi was a child.
lovelock is right about your grammar though, if you'd like I'd love to help you with editing and maybe suggestions about how to continue.
| lovelock8 chapter 18 . 1/24/2008
constructive criticism hah?
first of all your chapters are way too short and the rhythm of the story varies a lot
secondly, your style is also different - busigt had some problems with grammar and spelling but his sentences seemed more... flowing I guess. It is ard to precisely put the finger on a word to describe the difference. It is not exactly your fault - everyone has his style. What you can do about your writing is pay more attention to variety of the language and linking between sentences.
thirdy, busigt seemed to paint the background grey and he talked a lot about Takumi's perspective. His sadness, lack of self-esteem and loneliness were at the front of the picture. Your story seems to relate more to other characters; like Ryousuke or Bunta. I m not saying it is bad, only that it is different
finally, in my personal opinion, you seem to rush things a lot. Look at the story yourself: in 1-9 chapters Takumi suffers and Takahashi brothers try to help him with 'damage control'; in 10-present chapters Takahashis discover Takumi's home trouble AND its reason, visit Bunta, Youichi quarrels wih Bunta AND Bunta sees the reason... Moreover, Ryousuke discovers he likes Takumi... Don't you think it is a lot to take? for me it is a little too much. You made those events happen but you didn't give time for your protagonist to deal with them emotionally. As a result their psychological aspect suffered and they became 'paper flat' and unreal
what you can do about it?
if you don't want to make any changes in parts you have already written I would suggest that you introduce some 'retrospection/reminescence' or simply 'reflection' in order to make time for your characters' feelings. Also, make Bunta a little unstable in his decision; as if he WANTS but CAN'T change or he CHANGES but only SUPERFICIALLY and waits till other stop paying attention to attack Takumi again. I do believe that simple talk with Youichi could not make enough impact to really change him - you need some serious event to make his change believeable i.e. an accident or illness etc., or at least some time WITHOUT Takumi.
wait a little with introducing a romance; present Ryousuke as a concerned ? friend ? indicating very slightely that his feelings may develop into something more. In order to do it you would actually need to make some changes - sorry about it
I hope my critics were constructive and will help you in some way. If you don't take my words seriously don't worry I don't mind :) afterall it is only MY opinion_. I m still going to read this story whichever way you decide to follow because I like its theme very much...
ALL THE BEST
PS. to people reading reviews who have not authored this story and think that i m wrong - p... off and present YOUR opinion don't criticise MINE!
| silkendreammaid chapter 18 . 1/24/2008
I have no suggestions as to the next chapter... I'm more the sort that would rather wait for a good chapter to appear rather than rush an author into putting out something they're not completely happy with...
I'm just commenting here to say i like this story so far and i hope you don't give up on it.. I don't often call through this fandom as there aren't usually stories that appeal to me, so to find this one was a pleasant surprise.. it would be good to see it completed
| Tuli-Susi chapter 17 . 1/18/2008
oo, me like! I really liked how this chapter focused on Bunta. It's a welcome break, so to speak, and it makes sense considering that chapter 13 left Yuuichi with handling Bunta. I personally like when authors jump into the middle os the scenes like that. Having Yuuichi come over, Bunta wake up, realize what happened...it's just too messy. his workes much better. Plus, the last chapter ended on such a light noe (snickers) that it was a complete 180. I really liked it.
Couple of things. One, my name is Tuli-Susi, not Luli-Susi...makes it a whole different meaning...lol
2, Bunta switched to DEFENCE, not offense when he starts to blame Takumi. (Whan you blame someone else like that, behind their back, and repeating yourself, trying to prove you're right, you're being defensive.)
and three, at the end, when Bunta says that Takumi's all that he has left, it should be HE'S...HE'S... not his...his.
Okay, I'm done! I'm really looking forward to the way things unfold! Can't wait for Chapter 18! ...sorry, 15
| TomoSteele01 chapter 17 . 1/18/2008
Hi you definatley are doing it right lovely pacy story grabs you from the moment you start to read :-)
| Tuli-Susi chapter 15 . 1/16/2008
I really do prefer the Japanese honorifics and the nicknames like "Aniki". It makes the story flow better and ot just SOUNDS better.
On another note, I really like how the plot is progressing. I can tell that you are in no way against homosexuality - the insults and slannder weren't half as bad as they could have been. _~ and you still managed to explain why too!
I'll be looking forward to more chapters. Did you know that I've read this story over 6 times now? lol. It's so good that I can't turn away! Having said that, I'm now goiing to read it again.
Oh, and the scene you described with Kenta finding Keisuke and Takumi, the latter in a towell, sounds good! and yes, it makes sense that Keisuke would be bi, not gay. He DOES seem like a ladies' man! Oh, I happen to love Ryou/Takumi fics.
| TomoSteele01 chapter 15 . 1/16/2008
Hi loving the story keep it up :-) really looking forward to the next installment