|Reviews for Empty Room|
| IMixDangerousChemicals chapter 1 . 6/23
Holy crabs this is so sad, but so good!
| Guest chapter 1 . 6/22
you should do a second one but have naruto find the room that was a nursery
| Guest chapter 1 . 3/17
Kishimoto san maybe not even think about this things... It's just sad..
| The Brutal Legend chapter 1 . 10/4/2015
.A poetic piece; Nicely paced sentences. This was an interesting change of pace for a naruto fanfiction. You did quite well in portraying the conflicting matters of the past and present states of 'the empty room', along with also having an underlying tone of sadness or melancholy. It was a good read, for however brief it was, thanks for taking the time to type up this work of the abstract.
| DrippySpaff chapter 1 . 7/28/2015
| TangyCitrus chapter 1 . 7/14/2015
I knew somewhat of what to expect, to prepare myself a little so as to not get too emotional, but still i was touched and i cried a little. The things that would have been, the way the room was readied and everything and everyone important for the expectant had prepared. It's beyond sad to think about and picture what would would have been.
thank you for writing and sharing this.
you did extremely well with it.
take care and have fun.
| NarutoSpardaUzumaki chapter 1 . 6/12/2015
The story left open multiple possibilities regarding the identities of the child I'm question. I prefer to think of this as Naruto's baby room and he died during/after the sealing with his mother, Minato being the sole survivor... Good one shot
| Seventeenth Shenanigan chapter 1 . 5/27/2015
Wow. That hit deep. I really like how you described what each person left behind, especially Kakashi's dog. I'm not so sure I like the last line, though. I know it's been a good number of years since this story was written, but you haven't posted this on AO3 so I can't really give love to it there, but maybe another sentence about Now would close it better? That, and I'm sure someone's mentioned this already, but the word "creek" is spelled wrong. But other than that, oh man this is really nice.
Thank you for your work!
| The Flaming Darkness chapter 1 . 5/23/2015
o m g so so sad and so true it was supposed to be Narutos Nursery.
| Rizuki Dhan chapter 1 . 5/21/2015
| emily4498 chapter 1 . 3/23/2015
Reading this, my stomach churned with the implications of everything. The longer I think about it, the harder it is to breathe.
Considering how long ago this was published, you might not see this but I loved it. Your prose is /amazing/; however, I noticed a few things minorly interrupting the flow of the piece. It is not very noticeable but can improve your writing in general(again, this was published over seven years ago so you probably already fixed this in your writing as a whole).
1&2 You interrupt yourself by unnecessarily shortening your sentences. For example: you said: 'The dresser is full of clothing of all colors. Shirts, pants, and cute little hats, never to grace a small head.' but if you connect the two sentences with a semicolon(The dresser is full of clothing of all colors; shirts, pants, and cute little hats, never to grace a small head.), the sentence is easier to read because the thought is connected rather than cut in half. Make sense? Another example: you: 'A stuffed dog sits on the windowsill. It is somewhat lopsided and doesn't sit straight.' revised: 'A stuffed dog sits on the windowsill, somewhat lopsided.'. This brings me to my next point: unnecessary words. Notice how much I took out of the second sentence. 'Doesn't sit straight' is basically the meaning of lopsided, which makes the entire phrase unnecessary. Even though it does not detract from your writing, eliminating the unnecessary words will greatly improve it. If you combine the two points I just made with your natural voice, you can eliminate almost all of the pronouns and inexact nouns in the entire piece, making your writing much more clear and precise.
3 Throughout most of the piece, you use passive voice. Again, it does not detract from the writing but it muffles the impact the piece could have. I'm not going to make this longer by explaining passive voice, mostly because you probably already know what it is and if you do not, a Google search does a great job explaining it. If you intended the piece to just tap the reader on the head, passive voice is fine, but if you wanted to strike the reader with more potent emotion, passive voice is not okay. Take your first sentence for example: 'There is an empty room in Konoha. Once, it was meant to be a nursery.' (I love the iambic meter btw) you could change it to 'An empty room slumbers in Konoha, intended as a nursery.'. Do you see how the revised version creates a clearer, more intense picture?
4 (This point is entirely my opinion, feel free to disregard) Finally, you do not have consistent tense. As a writer, I can understand the literary value of switching between present and past tense, but as a Grammar Nazi, first I find it annoying, mostly because when it switches back to present tense, the sentence begins with 'but'(a big inexcusable no-no in everything except dialogue) and second because it could be written without the change in tense(by describing the people as ghosts).
I will say this over and over, it is beautifully written and deserves a ton more attention! I hope I didn't come off as bossy or mean or anything like that, I really tried not to. I just felt like this really deserved the time to review even though your writing probably far surpasses this by now. I have only gotten into fan fiction recently so I'm not familiar with all the things-you-just-don't-say so if I accidentally offended you, I am sorry. Again, I loved it!
| TheawesomeSaze chapter 1 . 3/2/2015
this is so beautiful ..so much emotion in just a little one-shot.
awesome job :)
| Rakaan chapter 1 . 3/2/2015
This made me sad.
| IWasNeverReal chapter 1 . 2/18/2015
Daaaaamn. The feels.
| Madame Minuit12 chapter 1 . 1/25/2015
oh wow, this is so sad but beautiful at the same time!