|Reviews for Fated|
| Idol Princess chapter 19 . 12/3/2011
lol very dramatic near the end...it makes me impatient... keep up the good work!
| PheonixShadow chapter 19 . 12/3/2011
so much tension! I hope they manage somehow to get the bomb out... :( or at least, minimize the damages. *praying*
thanks for another awesome chappie though, and all your other updates. Everytime you release a new chapter I get so happy I literally bounced off my chair. :P
| RebeccasanFujiEijiLVR chapter 19 . 12/3/2011
whats gonna happen now? :0
| tenten32158 chapter 10 . 10/30/2011
I've read a lot of your fanfictions over the last two to three days, and I wanted to let you know that I have enjoyed them all so far. But there is one thing that's really been bugging me. Your stories all have a lot of mistakes grammar wise. I've seen missing letters, extra letters, fragments, missing commas, and little stuff like that. These can be ignored easily enough.
The stuff that's really bugging me are missing words that change the whole meaning of the sentence and awkward sentences that I have to reread multiple times to understand. Missing words that change sentence meanings will confuse readers, which is counterproductive to any story. Awkward sentences interrupt the flow, which easily interrupts the pace at which the story should be read. When there's an awkward sentence in the middle of a really suspenseful seen, it completely ruins the mood.
Another problem I noticed is that there are instances of dialogue between two people that doesn't mesh well. Even if a conversation is completely random, you can still tell people are talking to each other. I've read some conversations in your fics that seem like the two characters may be in the same room, but they aren't speaking to each other at all. (I've read too many of your fics these past few days to be able to pinpoint any specifics, but they exist...maybe not in this particular one, sorry.)
On a side note, being mysterious is fine, but grammar is grammar, and conversations that don't make much sense to the reader at that point in time, but it should still seem like conversational partners are, in fact, speaking with each other.
I should mention that I've read many of your older fics as well as the newer ones. And I highly suggest that you either go through and revise your work much more thoroughly or get yourself a beta-reader. You are by far definitely not the worst writer as far as grammar goes. I don't bother reading, or reviewing for that matter, fanfiction that has particularly bad grammar, but grammar mistakes, big or small, affect the flow of reading and are a hindrance to any piece of literature.
Now, more specifically on this particular fic: Fated.
First off, I am reviewing on the chapter I have just now finished reading. I plan on reading the rest, but it's getting late, so I'll be getting off to sleep as soon as I'm done with this review.
I am very much impressed with how you're writing the business aspect and the fact that you have placed the various characters in believable roles. I've noticed that you're very good at that in your various AU fanfictions. I also like how you focus a lot of attention on the minor as well as the major characters. Despite the fact that you're using a very large number of characters, their various roles are easy to distinguish due to you giving each one enough face time. Another thing I enjoy is the development of all the interpersonal relationships.
However, I find the romance portion to be very lacking. I understand that it's taking a back seat, as romance is the secondary genre in this fic, but the romantic relationships seem to be moving too fast or underdeveloped.
In regards to Nakatsu and Rina, they have had one one-hour lunch date together. From the few details you gave, they went into far more personal details of their life than what you alluded to at the beginning. Rina says that she won't talk much about herself, but then you have them lost in childhood memories. This is also countered with the whole not mixing work and romantic relationships (unless I read that part wrong). If someone doesn't talk about themselves much, it will take them a while to open up. And an hour isn't enough time for that. Less because of trust issues and more because of the sheer amount of time speaking takes up. Time and conversation is a funny thing. A whole sentence can be said in a few seconds, but conversations on one, single topic can easily take hours.
Another sidenote type thing, you got rather repetitive during the paragraphs where Nakatsu is thinking about how Rina is approachable rather than machine-like.
In regards to Ryoma and Fuji, their beginning is rather unbelievable. Not because it was so fast but because of the way you wrote it. You repeatedly wrote for both of them that the way their relationship started was not "like them". In an AU fic, you can change a character's personality or stretch a particular part of it to a certain extent where they are still the person we all know and love, but once you've decided on that personality, you've got to stick with it. Both character's repeatedly telling themselves and each other that it wasn't a good idea / they weren't sure if they should start a relationship / it wasn't like them to be doing this detracts from the beginning and the foundations a lot. This makes the rest of the developments in the relationship seem random and rather abrupt. The steps and explanations of said developments also seem carelessly thrown in.
I think there was a few other things, but this is mostly what I can remember off the top of my head...oh yeah!
Lots of good foreshadowing and set up for smaller pieces falling together to make sense of the bigger picture in the future. Maybe I'm imagining it, but my intuition is normally right about these things.
Before I leave, I want to say that I've truly enjoyed reading your writing. This fanfiction and all the others are fairly well-written. The plot structure and character development is very well done, and I can tell the foundation for all the different version of Japan is strong and sound. I look forward to continuing to read your stuff.
| shinjuku041 chapter 18 . 10/19/2011
oh my...I feel bad for Kotona being raped and abused like that
That was simply disturbing.
I hope she and other innocent characters will be able to have their justice in the end..
Your style of writing is amazing. I hope you can finish this and your other stories as well. Keep on writing. I really want to read something more from you. :)
| Guest chapter 8 . 10/16/2011
-Fuji x Ryoma-
/Stop reading right there and close the fckin page
"You've trolled me this far. Fck you, author. Srsly, fck you. I fckin hate you"
| PoT chapter 18 . 10/13/2011
awesomw awesome awesome!
| RebeccasanFujiEijiLVR chapter 18 . 10/9/2011
:0 oh wow..such much going on
| DaPurpleDino chapter 17 . 5/26/2011
This is the most AMAZING story I have ever read in this fandom. Seriously. I love this one. You are an amazing author, with an amazing style of writing that captures the reader.
I really hope that Ai doesn't betray Ryoma :/ I mean it would be a twist in the plot, but she just shouldn't after all, she owes her life to him.
I'm amazed that you can keep this story so realistic and all the characters so in character at the same time. You should really be proud of that feat. I'll be looking forward to the next chapter, pleae update soon :)
| LadyChronos chapter 17 . 2/15/2011
Really, I've read this for many times already, yet I haven't gotten bored at all! Although, of all these chapters (which are considerably long, mind you), you have never mentioned Inui at all! And I think you've forgotten Kaidoh and Momoshiro too. But, I pity Inui the most. Poor him..
Anyway, I noticed that sometimes you typed Seiichi instead of Sei. Can't you please repair those mistakes? And not only in one chapter, but a few, in fact. :)
Well, you know, because of my HUGE imagination, I can't help but imagine that Nomorou Nao would soon betray the elder Nomorou once he knew that his precious uncle betrayed him. Well, if that happened, I wonder what the other readers' reactions would be.. *wink*
I can't wait for the next update! It has been months since you last did. And I'm also looking forward for Ryoma's success of removing Nomorou and his company (include Sei) out of the picture! xD
| kakita101 chapter 17 . 12/11/2010
Wow, this is bad. Is Ai really betraying Ryoma? Anyways, I really like it and I cant wait till you update again.
| Kaiyira chapter 17 . 11/23/2010
I like your story idea! It's really original! Great job! Hope you udpate soon!
| Premus chapter 17 . 11/2/2010
Waaaah1 Nakatsuuu! good luck! now ur gointa have d'whole fukin nation on your shoulders! XD
Man, does Ryoma know how to use people or what? XD
And geeze, Ryo, give in to Fuji already!
Kamui ur adorable lmfao!
I cant wait for the next chap! in... When? 2-3 weeks, was it? XDXDXD
| MARYLOVER chapter 17 . 10/31/2010
Well, Ryoma should put in his agenda that he has to think of Syuusuke as someone to love from now on.
But what made me gasp was what Ryoma said to Nakatsu. I really thought Ryoma was thinking of the Prime Minister position for himself, but now that I think about it, it's better to have THE Prime Minister as an ally in advance, but Nakatsu, now that's news dear. But... I don't know much about Nakatsu, are you going to develop his character farther? I mean, such a position may require some more preparations I think. Anyway, maybe I'm just surprised, don't mind me.
I really like this fic, now bring Rina back, I want to read about her reaction to Nakatsu and her in Ryoma's equation XDDD Bye
| tsub4ki chapter 17 . 10/31/2010
Prime Minister... that's definitely a surprise. I thought he'll just be a high-ranking government drone. I didn't realise that Rina likes Ryoma until this chapter, I hope she'll find happier times with Nakatsu. They have such a perfect opportunity too!