Reviews for Deprivation
GoldenShinyWireOfHope chapter 1 . 4/24/2009
Hi Sai, it's Hope from GA. I had a look on your profile to see if you'd posted the FF/DN crossover and discovered your other Death Note fics.

I like this one, mostly because I think that your attempts to keep everyone IC really showed through in the writing. I haven't read a lot of Death Note fanfiction, mostly because I think most people would struggle to characterise geniuses unless they were geniuses themselves, but you did a good job, particularly with L (perhaps you're a genius...). I think you used little things like the way he sat, talked, rationalised everything, as well as little facts like the aversion to sleeping to great effect. Perhaps even more importantly, those things were brought gradually into the plot so that it didn't feel forced, which I think is a common pitfall when people write complex characters.

To be honest, I'm always a little sceptical about any pairing involving L because his social skills are so underdeveloped that it's difficult to picture him in a relationship, but I thought your scenario was believable. I loved the idea that being chained to Light made L so concious of what he didn't have in life, and I think that the way that he tried to rationalise it and test Light was beautifully in character. Then, finally, when he makes a genuine move it still sounds awkward and unnatural. You wrote that he 'crushed their lips together', which makes it sound so lacking in grace - perfect for the character.

The only thing I was a little unsure of was Light's characterisation. I know he became more open when he gave up the death note, but he was still constantly analysing L's actions and seeing through his tests. If he were attracted to L, I'm not sure he'd reveal it so openly, but that might just be based on the way I interpreted the character. Either way, I thought the story was great. Your choice of language and the circumstances of the action made it very belivable.

I look forward to looking through more of your work!
Rain Misoa chapter 1 . 6/9/2008
That was wonderful! XD It was well-written. I felt that you did an excellent job in staying in character which is no easy task so bravo to you! L is just so... yummy! XP Anyway, great job and I can't wait until I read more fics from you!
Marjon chapter 1 . 4/25/2008
*smirks* I love it! Only until recently I discovered DN but that instant I knew Light and L were the perfect couple! I love the way you made L so realistic, keep on going with the good work!
shiroi-miko chapter 1 . 3/18/2008
Short, but sweet I only had a short time to use the computer before I had to leave and was lucky enough to find this; a story that didn't take very long to read, but was definitely enjoyable. It was also refreshing after the last few Death Note fanfics I've stumbled upon, which were more smut than plot... This was cute and I was glad for it. All in all, I really liked it and I hope you'll do more of this pairing in the future Ja ne!
EmpyrealFantasy chapter 1 . 2/28/2008
Ugh. EmpyrealFantasy again with a huge apology for the utterly choking typos in my review. I hit the submit button before rereading it. Really sorry. XD *bow* It is very late at night, and I am ever so tired. I'm damn good at making tyops (sic), but generally I catch them before anyone else gets to see them. ;)

Have a good night/day/whowhatsit! :)
EmpyrealFantasy chapter 1 . 2/28/2008
Wow, I'm really impressed by this. Good job, hun. Bittersweet though it is, especially taking it into context with the series, this was wonderful to read.

It is rare that I enjoy serious DN fanfiction. It is sad, but it is true. Most people end up ruining the characters' minds; between Raito and L, it is impossible for any of us to be intelligent enough to get into their minds. But oh, we can fake it if we try. You're one of the few that manages to make the thoughts and speech sound realistic to them, that makes me really be able to visualize the canon Raito and L I fell in love with as in this situation. Good job on that.

Technically, there are a few issues. The biggest is a suggestion, to keep the flow. When you get into L's head in a few places and switch to first person, there has to be some marking. Either using apostrophes to signify thought, to italicizing, or whatever else... it really causes a break in the unreality of the fic when it switched from 2rd or 1st without anything to denote it is thoughts.

Just a suggestion, though, again.

I've forgotten most of the typos I saw, but these ones were big enough to still stick out in my mind. I'll just pout up a phrase that contains the typo so you can see 'em:

'“I will not be depraved of the little sleep I allow myself'

((wants to reiterate how IC you are. I loved Raito's snarkiness as I skim to kind the other typo XD))

'thus we need to shared one'

There are a few other minor ones, but overall you did a good job of ferreting them out. :)

Again, great job. Know that the fact that I'm pointing out errors is not an insult, but a testament to how much I liked this; I never try to help anymore (brats PMing me back screaming at me for helping them find the typos that I know are hard to find ourselves) unless I feel a story is so good that I can't help but want to make it even more perfect. Thank you for giving this to us. :) Lovely contribution to the (lately) lacking SN archive.
hanjuuluver chapter 1 . 1/19/2008
SQUE! *glomps* I LOVE YOU! This is /so/ better than a new pair of glow in the dark socks! (nifty though thoes were) *grins* Huzzah for L/Raito!
SongCoriel chapter 1 . 1/19/2008
Memememememe -Trembling lip puppy eyes- B-but you ARE going to write more? Arn't you? What if I say I'll hold my breath until you write another chapter? I'll do it!

... I mean, please?
DeElric chapter 1 . 1/17/2008
I like this and I hope for you to write more chapters.
Makayla chapter 1 . 1/15/2008
I loved it, it was well-written, well-characterised and amusing. Especially L over-thinking things, as he bound to do in such a situation. I liked the last line too what are two young men to do in such a situation? Well I think I'll go and amuse myself for a few hours with some... suggestions... ;)

Hope you write more like it!
Amethyst Grey chapter 1 . 1/14/2008
Phew, was that hot or was that just me? I'd hate to wipe up the mess I'd leave if I read any of your full on lemons.

It was perfect. You kept the two in character and witty despite their circumstances. And that is not a feit easily accomplished! Love the theme of the story: Deprivation. I adore the percentage and how L tallied them, honestly. Seduction anyone?

It's a breath of fresh air I think. I began to think that the topic of Light wanting to sleep and persuading L to do so was being over done, but you proved me wrong. You proved to me that it could still be original. Keep on writing!

-Amethyst
Kunoichi21 chapter 1 . 1/14/2008
Well, I thought you did a good job of keeping Raito in check, but L was just a little teeny bit off. Other than that, I thought it was good. You did a great job with this one. Happy writing!

Kunoichi21 .
pascale chapter 1 . 1/14/2008
i liked this a lot, quite a lot. it's pretty well written and i think that L and Light are in character, though Light seems a little more innocent than normal. anyway, the only thing that bothered me was L saying "Mister Yagami". i guess i usually prefer the Japanese honorifics, because i think it would've been better for him to say "Light-kun" or "Light-san" or "Yagami-san".
BoredorBoard chapter 1 . 1/14/2008
gah! I was expecting there to be more. You really have my intrest now. I really liked it and cant wait till you put up another chapter
Lizzie24 chapter 1 . 1/14/2008
That was really good! You kept them in character, which can be hard to do...

Keep it up!
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