|Reviews for Unreality|
| Frozen Nitrogen chapter 26 . 10/7/2008
…Oww. My head…
Shadow seems remarkably blasé for a hedgehog who’s just had his perfect ShadxAmy reality uprooted like a three-legged migratory tree. I would think he’d… y’know… continue bashing Sonic over the head with a hat-stand or whatever he did last chapter. This is NOT me complaining about descriptive-less-ness; I’ve learnt my lesson (at least… for today). Rather OOC-ness in zis situation.
“Something about romance seemed wrong in Sonic’s mind, but at the same time perfectly correct.”
- O SNAP take 2. The acrimony of “Waiting For Her” strikes back! K-pow!
And you say there was a twist in here? I don’t think you can expect anyone to be surprised by ‘mere’ damaged space-time topology or walking TV show characters, what with you having rearranged the UNIVERSE every other chapter. Unless the 2D-ness was a Sonic Rivals series reference, in which case it would (and has!) gone straight over my head.
| Frozen Nitrogen chapter 25 . 10/6/2008
Alright, alright. The italics causes you to win at the previous chapter. I bow out and withdraw, sir. Consider my incessant nagging complaints retracted. ;P
"He wasn’t normally one to balk at the sight of an authority figure, but he also wasn’t normally a murderer." - Best line. Showcases SONIC'S cripplng guilt at Dawn's death, even though she was... y'know... shooting at him.
"Nevertheless, Sonic didn’t berate his canine friend upon being told the results." - Not vulpine?
Chapters / hours: LOL.
The fight scene was improved. Still could have done with a bit of similie and metaphor, IMO, but the simple blow-by-blow viciousness, and in the most mundane of settings, was very much the proactivity certain characters have been waiting for the last 20 chapters. MOAR.
| Frozen Nitrogen chapter 24 . 9/19/2008
This chapter title dosn't rhyme! Que occurien?
Anyway, leaving that aside. Let's review. Ahem:
This is clearly turning into a theme, with you and I. Over-descriptiveness vs. under-descriptiveness. But, endless repetition though my words may be, in the style of Catchphrases' Mr. Chips, I have to say what I see.
This chapter seems... flat. Tails bursts into tears without preamble, without asking how or why or calling Sonic a madman (which the fox clearly suspects he is). You do have him put up resistance to the idea of dissecting a family member, but then as he works your description the grim industry is merely Tails' brow creasing at the mechanical intransigence of the circuitry. Where's the emotional intensity, the baulking, the tears and anguish in his eyes as he's forced to delve into the mortal coil of his own dear sister?
But no, he works with all the 'milk-and-four-sugars-please-luv' equanimity of a hired plumber.
At the end of it all that, when you write:
"Sonic felt a paw make contact with his cheek. “That’s for everything you put Dawn through before you killed her,” Tails said angrily."
I had to read it again before I realised you meant he'd punched Sonic. Precisely because of the preceeding emotional flatness, with nary a hint of cold smouldering rage burning away underneath his mechanic's surface.
In the review reply you wrote for the last chapter, you explained to me:
"...for sheer emotive power, a lack of death descriptions just worked better against the steadfast descriptiveness of earlier in the chapter. Sometimes a few words mean more than all the heavens above, and the firey depths of hell ever could."
This is undoubtedly accurate in some cases... but I didn't think it served you well in the description of Dawn's demise, and I don't think it served you well here in the chronicalling of her disassembly. To me, this whole 'bereft of description' technique is just that: an absence. Not an absence that conveys gravity and intensity on a situation by means of its very (non-)existance; but just an conspicuous lack where the whole 'copious description' thing should be.
Needs more metaphor, more similie, more sight / smell / taste / touch / sound sensoria.
With that cra-a-a-azy rant over with, let's ramble about my favourite part of this chapter instead.
At the start, in the italics, where Sonic says:
"While I didn’t know for certain, I was sure I could use Dawn’s body for this purpose. I just had to find out for sure."
- that was spine-chilling. I was coasting along with the thought 'He's finally snapped, he's mad, the dimension hops have taken their toll and he's wandering around the streets brandishing his girlfriend's corpse at passers-by!'
When he drags it all the way to Tails' house, the reader can really side with the fox in thinking "What is this lunatic doing!" Only when he actually gives a reasonable, black-box-esque rationale, did I (and Tails) finally lend him some credence. Win. :D
| Unknownlight chapter 1 . 9/8/2008
Kinda funny that the only thing that seems consistent out of every universe is the fact that they all contain "The Adventures of Silver the Hedgehog" as a TV show. Actually, wait a minute. Is this fact actually relevent to the plot - or am I just reaching here?
Anyways, great chapter as always. Sorry I haven't reviewed this story until now. Haven't really had the chance.
| STaR Productions chapter 26 . 9/8/2008
S: Wow that was weird. So reality's now busted beyond repair.
Or is it? If I have counted correctly, seven Sol Emeralds have been destroyed by now, so if there's now one left, then something's a little out of synch. I remember that there were eight, as per mentioned in a previous chapter, but why would there continously be eight of them after each reality shift? If each Sol Emerald has a corresponding Chaos Emerald (I don't believe there's any evidence for this though, other than at one point there was seven of each) then what would the eighth one be? The Master Emerald?
"But for every Sol Emerald destroyed, the image of what should be becomes clearer." What is it that 'should be', then? The 'real' world, or something entirely different, like this reality? The appearance of Silver implies that the 'real' world is getting closer to returning. Or maybe not, as it's unclear whether or not he's really there, and isn't just a picture on a TV screen.
...what? Yes, I can think, sometimes. Don't look so surprised. It may all be wrong, but I'm TRYING. :)
On another note, I did like the descriptions of this new world, as well as some of the characters. Dawn's was particularly interesting, but I couldn't find anything about Knuckles or Shadow. Are they unchanged from the previous reality or something?
I did like the Palm Tree & Panic Puppet theatre, that was cool. Considering the fact that Sonic apparently made this world, because he broke the emerald, I think that the world's inherent weirdness is a manifestation of his confusion, rather than reality getting broken like Shadow says.
I look forward to the next chapter!
| STaR Productions chapter 25 . 9/4/2008
S: Man, you weren't kidding when you said you were ready to upload it, were you? You made your point again, and I admit I am completely ignorant of the finer points of cybernetics myself. The opening of this chapter covered the dissection, I think.
Onto this chapter then. I really liked this fight scene. There was a lot of imagery here, from the door bursting right up to Shadow smashing into a glass cabinet, and I liked how they used the environment in their fight as well. I anticipate more fights like this in later chapters, if only because the both of them are aware of each other now.
The interaction at the front door was very well done. There was just enough description of Amy and Shadow to suffice, (slender figure wearing a gown, and scowling hedgehog with ruffled fur) and Tails' nervousness was easily noticeable as he attempted to lie to Shadow. Very IC, I think, especially the stuttering, and testing a new engine would be exactly the thing he would think of.
I like the fact that you said everywhere's the same, yet Amy has a pink door. Shows her personality all too well. :)
| STaR Productions chapter 24 . 9/4/2008
S: That was very good. I really liked the way Sonic and Tails talked to each other in this chapter, the fox's constant thinking of Dawn's death showed through a lot, as did Sonic's enormous sense of guilt.
However, there wasn't an awful lot else going on. This chapter seemed to be focused entirely on their words to one another, which was indeed very powerful, but there was a conspicuous lack of description. There were some good ones, like Tails' tail twitching with anger (not tails, I noticed) and Sonic's eyes filling with tears, but other times there was precious little I could use to picture the scene.
Tails broke down crying when he heard the news, but which room did he then go into? Was he sitting down and crying while Sonic held Dawn's body? Where did he disassemble Dawn? Unless you're intentionally being vague about it, it seems like something's missing.
"Sonic felt a paw make contact with his cheek." It actually took me a moment to realise that Tails had just violently punched Sonic in the face. You could have talked about Sonic's surprise and disorientation as his skull rattled from the sudden blow, for instance.
As always though, you end the chapter in such a way that makes me want to read the next one. I can only assume they're talking about Shadow, and he would take slightly less than a millisecond to realise what Sonic is up to, and he is unlikely to be best pleased.
| Frozen Nitrogen chapter 23 . 9/2/2008
For starters, your fight scene descriptions are improving! The bone-jarring crash of the trailer, and the pinging of bullets when Sonic was using it as cover; excellent aural vividness.
When Sonic lops off Dawn's hand, it reminded me of the part in Star Wars where Luke does the same to Vader; and the bit you threw in about: "If he was honest with himself, Sonic was beginning to agree with something he had been told earlier" - which I presume refers to Eggman's 'Nothing I do has any consequence on anything' - well, it made me feel smug for having paid attention in Ch12.
One niggling thing that bothered me, though, was the line: "Dawn let out a very loud scream of pain, and Sonic had to ignore his guilt for his actions." 'A very loud scream of pain' seems rather humdrum when someone's just had a hand taken off. "Dawn's feral howl of agony scythed through the freeway's tumult, and through Sonic himself"?
While I may sound like a stuck record here: you under-described on Dawn's death. This is the death of the second main character after Sonic, and it was over almost before it had begun! You have visual detail, but for a scene like this, which I presume is supposed to be momentus, I would (as always) counsel multisensory impressions; the weakening, mechanical whirr coming from her chest as whatever generator powering her cybernetic components winds down; the scent of her sweat and fur that Sonic loves so much, mixed with the cruel, alien tang of glistening oil. How he still thinks she's beautiful, even as she dies. Yadda, yadda, yadda.
I’ll bring you back Dawn,” he said quietly, “I promise you will.” - missing out the word 'I' in the very last sentence did not help. :P
DESPITE these objections, though, I reiterate: gettin' better. Just... needs yet MORE!
| STaR Productions chapter 23 . 8/29/2008
S: Good fight scene, I must say, I enjoyed it immensely. Sonic being forced to kill Dawn was horrible, but I keep feeling that there is something missing from that part that I can't find...
One thing I did notice, but have no idea what it's referencing, is this: "Sonic was beginning to agree with something he had been told earlier." I don't know what this thing is, and I can't seem to find out, either. It's probably me just being stupid again, though.
The chapter's end was very sad, but I must confess I was expecting her body to blow up or something. Perhaps that will happen at the start of the next chapter. Yet again, I really want to know what happens next! :D
| STaR Productions chapter 22 . 8/24/2008
S: A development!... maybe. It's just so hard to tell now. It seems that the word 'Chaos' has been mentioned, and who could these 'monsters' be? It took me a moment of thought to understand the title of this chapter, as well as Dawn's words at the beginning.
I rather liked the fight, though, Sonic was perfect in it. "You could never hit me." I was quite surprised at Eggman in this chapter, in previous ones I got the impression he was trying to help, rather than hinder Sonic. He only USED to be a server... what changed?
For some reason I'm caught up on Dawn's name now, I keep wondering whether it's symbolic of a beginning or something. Or maybe an end, by this story's twisty alleyways.
Despite Eggman talking quite freely, there's still an overwhelming sense that there are still many many pieces of the jigsaw, and we haven't even got a corner of it yet. You've bent my mind out of shape yet again!
| Frozen Nitrogen chapter 22 . 8/23/2008
HERE we go. This is edging towards the happy medium I was talking about. And much bonus points for use of the word 'chicaning'. What it needs now is more of the vivid multi-sensory approach!
" “Give it up Egghead, You never could hit me,” he taunted. "
Enjoy this line a lot; for we have in it the implications of their many, many past battles. That's what makes a Sonic fic... well, a Sonic fic; the references to ye olde times, the days of dodging robomantis claws in Metropolis Zone, or past fights with Shadow when he was leading divisions of Black Arms through Central City (see? I've got yet more for the Ch20 scene!).
On the plot front: Monsters of Chaos, you say? Who are these sterling gentlemen?
| Frozen Nitrogen chapter 21 . 8/23/2008
Industrial park: good. Environmental descriptions is what we (by which I mean 'I') want!
It progress into not so much a fight scene than a 'lover's tiff' scene, but still:
Before he could finish Dawn had pushed him out of the way. This caught the hedgehog by surprise and he landed with a thud against the cold steel. Dawn continued running, “Don’t you get it Sonic? We’re over now. You’ve made that clear.” “But Dawn,” Sonic said, as he got up. Running along the highway’s supports...
They're running amidst speeding hovercars - and not one blast of a horn, not one automated Eggman voice instructing them "Pedestrians are advised to that the motorways are hazardous." They're running at hundreds of miles an hour into FLYING traffic, and when Sonic gets pushed over, all that happens is he lands with a THUD? Methinks nicht.
As this, and my previous review no doubt implied, it's not a fight scene unless there's BLOOD. And possibly grey matter.
| Frozen Nitrogen chapter 20 . 8/23/2008
Two things, before I begin:
First: I didn't like thoes italic sections at the start of the chapters, back in the early parts of the story; but now I do, because they're consistant while everything else changes arond them - almost a demonstration of how Sonic's the only character remaining at least semi-contiguous as we hop around universes.
Second: I just noticed that your chapter titles rhyme! That's quite clever. I guess you must be running out by now, though. :)
Where's the environmental descriptions? I know nothing about what Amy's building looks like, what her home looks like; in fact, there's nothing about what SHE looks like in this dimension. Is she even a hedgehog? I pointed out the skill and dilligence with which you kept track of these character morphings up to Ch17, and then here it's just gone.
"This propelled the blue hedgehog upwards, and Sonic carefully aimed himself to land on the other hedgehog BELLOW."
Argh! The homophone abuse! It hurts!
I know you've explained to me why these errors crop up, but... I still feel obliged to point them out. Or you'll never learn.
Sonic vs. Shadow battle scene; well, we live to serve, so here goes:
This is slightly better, but still seems to be over much too quickly. 11 lines? I don't want to send you from the sublime to the ridiculous, since one of my fight scenes went on for about two thousand words and it was essentially redundant filler; but there's got to be a happy medium.
The best I can think to advise is to pick one bit specificly (perhaps the Sol Spear would have been a good choice in this instance) and LAVISH detail and metaphor upon it. Describe (as azngirlchibi always lectures me) it through as many senses and perspectives as you can: what Shadow felt as he charged the Sol Spear, what Sonic felt as it hit him, the sound of chaos energy rending the atoms of the air, the splash of Sonic's blood as he hits the ground. The smell of his scortched flesh afterwards, filling Shadow's nostrils with its cloying smoke. "It smelt like... vengeance."
See? Hollywood movie adaptation, here you come.
Moving out of battle-mode:
Much enjoying Shadow's principal loyalty to Gerald's vision. And since he delivers his verdict "sneering cruelly", I'm left with the impression that he's thinking 'Also, I'm not going to help because I just don't like you, blue irritant'. IC!
| STaR Productions chapter 21 . 8/22/2008
S: "Part of me is one of your enemies."
So Dawn knows what's going on (maybe) and she just might help. It's about time someone did, but what I really want to know is how come she keeps changing sides? And the whole robot thing, and that she was going to die, and that last statement... poor Sonic and his overworked mind. It may be just me, but I don't recall any characters coming back from the dead either...
For some reason I get the feeling that Dawn isn't technically real, but is instead something to do with Sonic's mind subconsciously realising that something is wrong with the world. And I also get the feeling that I've just blatantly ripped that from somewhere...
I had to smile when you said that Knuckles was interrupted in the middle of a jewel heist. I wonder if the character reversal has any plot importance...?
Regardless, I know that in the end, there's going to be an explanation so complex that it's mind-crushingly simple. Awesome chapter, Dr Namgge!
| STaR Productions chapter 20 . 8/17/2008
S: So... answers at last. But not as many as there could have been, probably because of Shadow. I mean, I'm pretty sure you haven't revealed who all of the servers are, and whether or not they are experiencing this like Sonic in seperate realities, or whether it's just Sonic who's going through this and the others have accepted it.
If it's only Shadow who can remember, thanks to his unique status, then how could Eggman possibly know what to do to create his perfect reality? It's pretty sweet, as far as evil scientist's realities go.
If Dawn doesn't exist... then how come she could do all the stuff she could? How was she able to break a Sol Emerald and betray Sonic and stuff if she, um, isn't actually real? And if she isn't real, as Shadow suggests, how come she phoned Sonic a couple of chapters ago? So confusing!
By the way, the fight scene was done really well between the two of them, and I had to smile at the thought of Shadow perfectly mimicking Sonic.