|Reviews for Heart of a Demon|
| zafnak chapter 10 . 12/19/2013
Gaara has a very *ahem* dry sense of humor in this story. I approve.
| onijutsu chapter 5 . 11/20/2013
"No, I want him to feel like I trust him. I want him to trust me. If I do that , then what does that say for our trust?"
The first sentence of that is throwing me off, it makes it sound like Ino is only using Naruto. If Ino is using him then leave it. If she isn't, this way of wording it gives it a different meaning to me.
"No, I want him to know that I trust him."
"to feel" seems like deception,
"to know" gives a genuine sincerity towards the way she views Naruto.
Anyway, personal opinion, the wording you used when talking on that topic really stood out to me as Ino is only using Naruto.
Story is amazing by the way, really enjoying it!
| Tempest S chapter 6 . 11/8/2013
"I just invaded your mind to find out a secret you weren't ready to tell me and that didnt threaten our safety but I still want you to trust me." "Sure, Ino! All's forgiven. Lets get ramen!" And the she gets pissed at him like he's the one who commited the biggest wrong. Right. I don't care how in character it is, it's still unbelievable.
| reapertmn3 chapter 24 . 7/25/2013
I really enjoy this story because it is very well thought out. I like the fact that I can hardly see any spelling mistakes and I'm happy with the way the story is progressing. I like Ino's and naruto's relationship and I also like lee's and setsuna's. I love how you portray gaara and I like how interesting his interactions are. Overall good job and keep up the good work.
| Wissing chapter 1 . 5/7/2013
i like it so far )
| Superstar For Life chapter 12 . 5/6/2013
I like this story but I don't like inoria at all. I think she's unnecessary
| Guest chapter 1 . 3/28/2013
In Chapter One, a baby is not "conceived" the day it is born. Babies are usually conceived about nine months before the actual birth of a baby. The story has a great plot though. :3
| Ryu Senju Uchiha chapter 24 . 3/19/2013
| Lazyman12 chapter 24 . 2/27/2013
I love this love triangle that seems to be complex and amazing
| Elim Garak chapter 5 . 2/11/2013
Nice, but at the very beginning of this chapter you are in present tense, and then switch to past. You should stay in the same tense. You make the same mistake a bunch of times in this chapter.
"If he were a faggot" - REALLY? WTF? NOT cool. Are you being homophobic or is this an unfortunate word choice or misspelling? This is a very bad insult to gay people. If you are being homophobic, then you just lost 90-95% of your audience. Not to mention that it's a very bad thing, to say the least - like using the "n" word. FIX IT!
Other than that, just a bunch of the same problems as in the previous chapters. Repeated use of the same word, very simple non-descriptive language, lack of variety in verbs, lack of adjectives, etc.
| Elim Garak chapter 3 . 2/11/2013
Hey, just finished reading this chapter - pretty good, but I have more comments. I am not picking on you, but trying to present constructive criticism. Also, this pertains to chapters 2 and 3. Here are a few things that you should watch out for.
1. Adjectives. Use more of them. You describe various actions and situations but you don't put any flavor into them. Describe how characters looked, the faces, the surroundings, etc.
2. All the characters and the narrator sound exactly the same, and the point of view changes from one character to another. It's much better to first of all stick firmly to the perspective of a single character - in this case Ino - and to ensure that others use different word choices.
3. Be careful when using the same word to describe something. For example, in the space of a couple of paragraphs you used the word "festival" 4-5 times. Why not say "celebration", "festivities", describe what's going on (e.g. say "let's go see the fireworks" or "let's play the ring toss"). Variety and descriptive language are very important. Here is another example:
"Ino started to get worried when she saw the slight smile creep its way across his face, and then got down right scared when he started giggling like a madman." - the word "started" is used twice in the same sentence. Why not describe how worried Ino became? Just using the basic word "worried" does not add much flavor.
4. The prank itself is not at all interesting. It's basically equivalent of ringing the bell at the door and running away. I am also not sure why Tsunade would be pissed about it instead of concerned for Sakura's hallucinations. I suggest you make up a new prank and replace it here. Naruto is supposed to be a master prankster - this is beneath him.
5. There are some odd word choices all over the place, but unfortunately I don't know how you could detect them and fix them on your own. For example:
"However, before anything really serious could happen, Sasuke broke the kiss, grabbed his head and started groaning out loud." - the word "started" implies that he continued groaning for a while, and did so for a long time. Sakura would not know that, since she left. Also, just groaning is not interesting - if you keep this part, why not have him collapse on the floor, scream, drool, and then stutter?
- Chapter 3
6. I don't mean to pick on you - this is my attempt at constructive criticism. I hope you don't take it the wrong way, but I think this could really help you. Let me take apart the following paragraph:
Naruto looked up at the mansion impressed. The mission order said that the guy was a rich bastard, but you couldn't truly appreciate just how rich someone was until you took a good look at how big the house that he lived in was. Then you just had to wrap your head around the fact that he owned more than one of these things.
First sentence is - "looked up impressed" is not correct. It would also be nice if you used something more descriptive - e.g. "Naruto gaped at the mansion in wonder." You use the word "rich" several times - why not replace the second instance with "how much money he had"? You are also using very basic and generic terms for the description. Instead of saying "he owned more than one of these things", why not say "this was only one of several summer homes he had"? I am sure this can be described in even better ways, but that's what I come up with off the top of my head. This version uses more complex language giving a better description, implies the time of year (summer), and gives a vague idea of the type of house this is (summer home - probably open, etc.). If you gave an actual one-two sentence description of this house, then it would be even better. Describe what it looks like so that we can understand why Naruto is so impressed. E.g. start a movie where there is a large mansion, and then try to give a general description of it in a few sentences. In the next paragraph you mention "big houses like these" - like what exactly? Without a mental picture of the house in the readers' head it is much harder to follow along.
Similar things occur in other places in this chapter, with very generic terms used for various events and actions. E.g. you use run instead of dash or shunshin or speed or appear or a bunch of other verbs.
| Elim Garak chapter 2 . 2/11/2013
Very interesting, but I have one relatively minor grammar comment. You are not supposed to use numbers directly in the text - or at least use them sparingly. For example instead of saying "inhaling his 4th bowl of barbeque beef ramen", you should instead use "inhaling his fourth bowl of barbeque beef ramen". It doesn't make much sense, but it is a rule.
| Goldenwolfhowl chapter 1 . 1/20/2013
...If Lee had opened the eighth and last gate, he would've been DEAD. Just an FYI. Like the story so far.
| DarthKakuzu chapter 19 . 1/17/2013
As much as i "enjoy" reading fight scenes every chapter I cant help but notice this story's genre is wrong. It should be humor adventure. Because 19 chapters of a romance story requires more than one kiss, one admitting of love, and one holding arms. The story is okay... just not very romantic.
| WillTCastle chapter 24 . 1/3/2013
It is a very nice story. Something different from the multitude of Overpowered/Evil Naruto pics with many pairings. The NaruIno pairing is rare and you have handled and built up the relationship progeessively and in a realistic manner.
And although the portrayal of Sakura and her bashing is stereotypical and a bit irritating for me, I can understand why you ended up taking this route. I am also surprisingly pleased at the use of the side characters, something which doesn't happen often/well enough in most Naruto fanfics.
Good job thus far. Eagerly awaiting the next update. Take care and keep writing more.