|Reviews for Turing back time|
| tangune chapter 3 . 2/11/2011
| Kaito Hatake Uchiha chapter 11 . 11/26/2010
This very good
Kaito hungry want to eat
| The Old Ghost chapter 11 . 3/7/2009
:3 AWSOME STORY
| Kings-Shadow chapter 11 . 12/4/2008
I liked that chapter too, seeing Sakumo's face is the reason I liked it...but Kakashi dieing I didn't like too much. Anyway great job with the story, I like how you have a mix of Japanese and English in there. And I could tell you were trying to get the story to move faster, with the 'next day' and stuff, it's a good idea I draw my stories out too long.
| Shinigami chapter 11 . 12/3/2008
I just read chapter 425. So Sakumo is an older version of Kakashi? He looks like he's in his 30-40s. Hard to tell since the manga is in black/white. If it had color...
| NarutoUchiha2010 chapter 10 . 9/26/2008
| LaraLuvKakashi chapter 10 . 9/6/2008
I just read your story from beginning and I like it so much :-)
I think Sakumo should not die like in the canon..
I've read fics about the still-alive Obito, Rin, Minato..but there are rarely any fic about still-alive Sakumo.
They could be a very happy father & son..:-)
| Orodruin chapter 10 . 9/2/2008
Wow, that was a long chapter! It was pretty good. I liked the OCs you introduced, Sakumo's teammate and Gai's father. And I really liked the fight Tomoko and Sakumo had over him resting after a mission. _
Anyway, three points on this chapter, I think.
1. Beware awkward sentence structure that comes from one or more words accidentally being left out. This can happen because of editting (you rewrite part of the sentence and the whole thing no longer makes sense) or just because your mind was working faster than your fingers could type. Anyway, a quick read-through or a beta could help you work out those situations, "Sakumo got and said..." "As Sakumo walked through the streets of Konoha, what he noticed that a lot of people..." And that's just the beginning.
2. It looks like you've been learning a lot of Japanese recently! It's really fun to include a little bit of the culture in our stories, but it's hard to find a balance between 'fun for everyone' and 'now it's just becoming annoying'. For me... I'm sure I've written on both sides of the spectrum. Basically, I think you should look at it as someone who knows nothing about Japanese, and think about whether they would still be able to understand what you're trying to say. The suffixes (san, sensei, kun, etc) are common enough that most people will know them or come to understand them as they read, and you can stick in a few Japanese words now and then like 'ohayo' or 'arigatou' or 'sayonara' and most people will figure them out from the context. Then there are cultural specific words like 'itadakimasu' and 'seppuku' that there aren't great translations for. But when you get into sticking whole phrases into your 'English' story, then it gets difficult for those who don't know any Japanese to read... Just be careful how much you put in.
3. When writing long chapters like this, take advantage of the horizontal line in your fanfiction editor. You can use it to seperate scenes, especially when any length of time has passed or the location has changed. You can find it just to the left of the binoculars in the edit/preview screen of the document manager.
With that said, it was an enjoyable chapter overall. Because you crammed so much time into one chapter, I think it seemed more rushed than usual, but it wasn't bad.
As for Sakumo... that's a hard choice and it depends what you do with him over the course of his... return to childhood. Obviously something big will have to change in his way of thinking if he doesn't follow the canon character's choices. You'll have to begin with thinking about why he killed himself in the first place, what the major motivators for him were. You might decide that he did it because he didn't think his son would miss him and the village would think better of Kakashi with him gone, in which case maybe the two of them gaining a closer relationship would make him realize Kakashi would rather have him with him. But if you decide he killed himself mostly because he felt so strongly the honor of the Hatake name had been spoiled, that will be harder to justify changing.
So... yeah, basically it depends on how you change his character during this time. If you make a noticeable change near the end compared to how he acted in the first couple of chapters, then I think it would be great if you had Sakumo live! But if you want to preserve his character, or the change isn't so evident, I think you'll have to kill him.
Good luck on continuing the story!
| Kings-Shadow chapter 10 . 8/30/2008
Cool, great job. I think Sakumo should live, I haven't read any where he's alive when Kakashi's older. I have no suggestions for the next chapter or intermission, sorry I never do
| saki-kun chapter 10 . 8/29/2008
It was very cute and it was nice to know how his parents got married and have kakashi born, it was cute :D Well to me, I didn't want Sakumo to die, but it depends how the story goes. anyways, great chapter!
| Orodruin chapter 9 . 8/8/2008
Glad my suggestion helped get your writing flowing. It's obvious that your writing is improving, because I don't really have anything to complain about tonight.
There were a few spelling errors, at least one of which you knew about. Chakara should be 'chakra'. The others your spell-check wouldn't have caught because they're legitimate words, they just don't mean what you wanted them to. (sparing should be sparring, nee should be knee, and taped should be tapped... simple mistakes that are easily looked over, but I thought I'd point them out in case you wanted to know... if you don't, just tell me to stop being so picky.)
Anyway, there's a lot you could put in the intermission that would be interesting. You could write an awkward scene with Tomoko (I think that was her name in ch 5...?) explaining to her teammates (assuming she's a ninja) why she has to go off-duty for a while as the baby's due date approaches. This would be particularly humorous if she didn't want to let the news out just yet.
You could always introduce over-bearing grandparents (probably on the wife's side?) into the equation.
A scene taking place shortly after ch 5 could include Sakumo being congratulated by everyone he met and the baffled young couple discussing how everyone could know about their child. They'd, of course, jump to the conclusion that Jiraiya went against his word, and Sakumo would threaten bodily injury before finding out that it wasn't actually Jiraiya who spilled the beans.
Eventually you'll probably want to jump ahead to the first time Sakumo meets his son. The situations are endless. He could be on a mission when the brat is born, and get an earful from his wife when he shows up a week late. Or maybe he's unhappily watching his wife train (after stubbornly going against doctor's orders) when she goes into labor and he delivers Kakashi in the middle of the forest. Or Sakumo could be so repulsed by the sight of the bloody, disfigured little body that his wife gives birth to that he refuses to touch the thing for several days afterwards.
Anyway, I'm sure I gave you plenty to chew on this time, and you'll probably come up with even more ideas of your own. There's certainly no lack of creativity here, ne? Looking forward to seeing what you come out with.
| saki-kun chapter 9 . 7/26/2008
Very good chapter and I hope Kakashi realize that's his father :) Keep up the good work!
| Reidluver chapter 9 . 7/22/2008
Good job. I hope Kakashi realizes soon that he's really telling the truth!
What's your manga about?
| WE.should.call.it.mankind chapter 9 . 7/22/2008
| Kings-Shadow chapter 9 . 7/22/2008
cool, great job...I can't wait for more, update at your own time