Reviews for The Department of Mary Sues, Bleach Division
Tsuki no Shikan chapter 2 . 3/7/2008
Lol, I love it...you've got a nice, cynical way of writing...I'm a little afraid of you now though...I put 15 OCs in the first two chapters of my Bleach fanfic and I'm planning on implanting a few more...so let me get this right, 'Canon-character' means an original tite kubo chara, right?

By the way, do you really read OC fics for this? Oh and do you speak japanese or why can you translate the names so nicely? Cuz if you do, I'd like to ask wether 'Hebi no Kiba' does mean 'Snakes' Fang' or not...before I make a huge mistake...anyway, I'll stop asking questions and say: Nice work, I'll definitely continue reading!
hapan chapter 1 . 3/7/2008
I was just wondering, where is your fantastically written, totally in canon, Sue-less and OOC-less fanfiction?
Akiko Rivers chapter 1 . 2/28/2008
wow. and i thought high school was harsh.

when i first read your story, i truely found it utterly REVOLTING. I'm not trying to flame or anything, but your hauty air was rather disgusting. i was hoping that at least if you criticize a mary-sue, you wouldn't create one yourself...much less two. let's say i was (your) Kana. i could just as easily write you up for some of the stuff you wrote in your "parody".

the read the original and it really wasn't as bad as you made it out to be. i've seen a whole heck of a lot worse out there.

my suggestion?

choose your battles more carefully next time.
Exquisitely.Jinxed chapter 1 . 2/17/2008
El w00t! Finally someone to bring Bleach sues to justice (and by justice, I mean hell) and remedy the mutilation of the Japanese language in anime fics, I wish you luck in your campaign against other sues (and by sues, I mean abomonations of the internet).
Gosurori-Otaku chapter 1 . 2/17/2008
I love this! Awesome! I love this! (Hang on... I just said that...)

I really hate mary-sues, so THANKYOU-! .

Woop!

Er, anyway, great job. I'll go before I scare you.
Brunette Tempest.again chapter 1 . 2/12/2008
noticed the link didn't show. XD

So for anyone that wants to contact me (ie. the author) it's

brunettetempest . livejournal

(note: make sure to remove the spaces)
Brunette Tempest chapter 1 . 2/12/2008
So I was hanging around the Bleach section again and I happened to come across this fic. At first I was pretty shocked with what you did by writing a "parody" of someone's fanfic, but being the person I am, I decided to at least see your side of the situation before complaining. I managed to get a hold of the link for PPC and after some reading (and research) I have to say that there really are two sides to this.

As a PPC member I pretty sure you're writing this fic as means of "helping" the original fic author, as well as a way of entertainment. That is all quite understandable and the original author seems to have taken this pretty maturely.

The truth of the matter is though, that not all authors are going to be as accepting. The original author still seems pretty hurt by what you did, and despite what PPC says, what your group is doing does seem pretty harsh. I am in complete agreement with Mihr, and a lot of the other reviewers. You are DEFAMING another author's work. That isn't right.

If you really want to try helping out other authors, take the time to write a proper review. Sure some people can be total pains when it comes to constructive criticism, but that's kind of a given when you read fanfics. No one truly wants to be criticized, nor do they want to be made fun of, but if given the choice I'd have to guess that a majority of people would prefer the former. The advice you're giving through the fic could have been more tactfully stated in a review that could have been a lot more helpful that the "parody".

I don't want to be hypocritical when I say what you're doing is wrong, since I myself have given some pretty harsh yet TRUTHFUL reviews (...although I did apologize for wording things the way I did). Trying to help an author is perfectly acceptable, and yeah wanting to have fun as a fanfic author is basically a given. It's just that I believe the approach you're taking to the situation could have been different. PPC has a good intention, but the outcome can be quite hurtful and disrespectful towards others. Metaphorically, it's like an average citizen trying to perform CPR on an unconscious victim. You want to do something good, but you don’t realise that the actions you are taking could be hurtful/harmful to others.

Anyways, I'm not here to just go on and on about what I think about PPC and the context in which you wrote your fic; as the critic I am, I'm also here to review your fic. Oh joys.

1) When I first started reading this I have to say that I personally found it to be sort of Mary Sue in its own way. Take for instance, the more “mature” one of the two, Kana, being paired up with a bubbly, childish character, Cerrin...get real. You're going on about how one person's fic is being Mary Sue, I suggest you take a good look at your own fic and figure out that you need to be listening to your own advice and not just preaching it.

2) The beginning I found was lacking. It wasn't really that captivating and I found myself being drawn away from the fic. You need to be more captivating and I don’t know…how about interesting when you start off a fic. The intro (aside from a good summary and a decent title) helps to draw readers in, and to be honest, if the fic starts out lacking I know (through research and experience) that most readers aren’t going to stay and continue to read the fic. They’ll most likely judge it as whatever they seem fit (boring, lacking, etc) and just leave.

3) This fic was pretty cliché in all entireties. I’m not exactly sure what to tell you to do about it, simply because as a PPC member isn’t THAT (being the whole stopping/fixing clichés) suppose to be YOUR job.

4) You had some spelling and grammar mistakes in the fic. Look over it…I’m not really going to go on too much about this point simply because I know it’s one many authors make; we’re only human, so it’s completely natural.

5) The fic, aside from its use of another Bleach fanfic has pretty much no reference to the actual fandom of BLEACH! Do readers a favour and properly categories your fics…if not, why not go post them somewhere else where the labelled fandom doesn’t really matter (i.e. online blogging sites/journals, quizilla, etc).

6) I was hoping for paragraphs when I opened the fic. A story can typically not survive on plain dialogue. Take the time to write something more and put effort into writing substantial paragraphs (you know the things with like no dialogue that are about several sentences long!).

7) Be more descriptive. What on earth do you mean by “pink stuff” and “purple stuff”? Honestly, if you want to create a good image in the minds of your readers at least try to describe what you mean in a clearer way.

8) Better names please. Again…who would name something the “pink stuff”? I’m pretty sure most people are a lot more conscience about what they digest and would at least know what it’s called.

9) The story needs better flow to it. It seemed choppy at points.

10) Seriously clarity and description are really important. You need to make sure you go over this.

Remember kiddie, this is totally not a flame. I’m just doing what you tried to do when you wrote this fic…I am simply trying to “protect canon from Mary-Sues and all manner of fanfiction badness”. (Note: seriously you could have used a better word than “badness”.) Don’t go crying about this, and don’t complain either. I read what your profile page said and since, you supposedly don’t care about flames…(which this so totally isn’t) I’m sure you’d love the constructive criticism I was able to build up and list for you. According to PPC, you guys are used to your own writing and that you all know what’s it’s like to get a decent reviewer trying to help you and fix you so-called little writing problems. I’m just trying to make a better place by helping authors in a way you seem to deem inefficient in comparison to your “parodies”. I suggestion you take a nice long look and figure out that you yourself have a lot to do/learn before you can go on and start “parodying” other fics for making the EXACT SAME MISTAKES you made.

Sincerely,

Brunette Tempest

aka the constructive criticism princess

PS: Have a comment/reply for me…leave it on my livejournal account. It’s brand new. Visit it at brunettetempest.
reality chapter 1 . 2/10/2008
you know i just read the real story and i think it is quite good. i dont think you will ever be able to come up with something like that as seems that you take credit by humiliating and discrediting the work of others - aka. not even able to come up with your own work probably cause you lack a creative mind.

i also have to agree with hessan, Edge-Keen Blade, cherryblossoms1987, cricketchick1990 and Mihr. who exactly are you to decide which character is a "mary-sue" or not. your characters seem more like "mary-sues"-s then KANA09's.

also attacking a first-time writer and possibly diming her interests in writing says a lot about you and your mentality. are you sure you're not mentally retarded. if you are than shouldn't you be in an assylem or something where they have no computers.
TideDrop chapter 1 . 2/10/2008
I've already reviewed this story. But I was reading over random stories, and I came across this again, only to find a stack of reviews revealing something that made me go, "Whoa! Wait a sec."

You used a REAL story for this? A story, written by someone else on this website? I thought you just made it up, but apparently not. Did you ask for permission (though I highly doubt any author would agree)? Because if not, then I agree with what Mihr had to say: you are defaming another person's fanfic, which is illegal and unfair to the author.

Now I'm going to go read the true story, and I am going to tell the author exactly what I think of it, tactfully and truthfully. The latter word, I regret to say, is the only one of the two I have used for this review.
Pseudonym1390 chapter 1 . 2/10/2008
To be honest, I am kind of disappointed that someone can publicly post such a blatent disregard to another authors story, Mary-Sue or not. To be perfectly frank, I have read this authors story, and can I say, there are far worse fics out there, and that I really enjoyed her story, and I am disappointed that I won't get to find out the real ending. I think it would be a lot more appropriate if you advised her of the slight Mary-Sueness in her story over a review, or a PM. And if you are going to abuse the Mary Sue population, maybe not mention names? Or directly quote? Have you considered (although it may not be completey accurate in said case) that you may actually be harming the author more than helping them? And to be honest, those authors who can only make fun of others hours of good, honest work, instead of spending their own time writing a piece that only belittles and humilates a good honest author, well they are not really authors themselves. Sure parody is good, but try to make it so that it is not directly aimed at a certain writer or story huh? Or maybe focus on helping the person instead? Just think about it.
Mihr chapter 1 . 2/9/2008
I have to first ask if you even asked the author if you could even use her story in your parody. In the Terms of Service in section 5a,

"You agree not to use the service to:

(a) upload, post or otherwise make available make available any Content that is unlawful, threatening, abusive, harassing, defamatory, libelous, invasive of another's privacy, or otherwise objectionable;". Currently, the way I see it, you are defaming the author's character.

As hessan, Edge-Keen Blade, and cherryblossoms1987 have said, writing a fanfiction to "inform" the author that she has a Mary Sue isn't the greatest way of telling her.

When I read the first few paragraphs, I couldn't help but feel that your story had barely anything to do with Bleach besides the fact that your characters had zanpakutos and were "part of" Kana090's story. I'm sorry to say as well, but on your way to burn Mary Sues, you have also created Mary Sues.

I'm probably criticizing too much since I consider myself a beginner in writing fanfictions, but this just went too far. There are functions called reviews which allow readers to tell the author what went well and what didn't.
Pigeon Army chapter 1 . 2/9/2008
Well, aside from a few grammatical errors, and a possibly harsh killing, nice debut sporking. While all Sues are painful, and this one was at the lower end of the scale, Suethorship cannot be tolerated at any level, and you've done us all a service - most of all, the Suethor herself, or so I read. I congratulate the Suethor (if she reads this) for her balls in accepting that her writing wasn't crash hot and endeavoring to fix it. If only all Suethors could be that understanding and genuinely nice.
cherryblossoms1987 chapter 1 . 2/9/2008
Well I kinda have to agree with hessan and Edge-Keen Blade. It wasn't the best one to start with as the story really isn't as bad as some of the other work I have seen out there. But overall a good idea and the author of the story seems to have reconsidered the story and its mary-sue character. It does seem like a good way to help with some of the horrible mary-sue stories, but be sure to keep in mind that you can sometimes find a really good story with an OC that may seem mary-sue and take into consideration that the readers might really like and appreciate that story. Anyway keep up the great and hilarious work, thanks _ it put a smile on my face.
with love - Elincia chapter 1 . 2/9/2008
Ara, I have to agree with the reviewer hessan. To tell u the truth, i only read a few paragraphs of this chapter-I didn't at all find it interesting. If ur doing a fic like this, u should actually contact that author with a mary sue and at least try to help them sort their problems; not make a fic like this and just let them find it on their own. Ne, if i keep continuing this review i know ill ramble off. I'll stop here.
hessan chapter 1 . 2/9/2008
As much as I approve the creative critique of stories, I think that you chose poorly with whom to start. There are many others that need your treatment more that this one. Just thought I would throw that out there.
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