|Reviews for The Kingdom of Shumlek|
| Dearheart chapter 1 . 2/11/2008
Hi GG/King Everett!
First of all, I love the idea of this fic! Very creative, and not a Mary Sue or Gary Stu in sight! ;-) Your spelling and grammar overall is good too. There are a few incorrect spots here and there, but we'll worry about that later... ;-)
Secondly, it's a great story so far...but you need some practice in the art of storytelling to really make it shine. :-) So far you've been giving us lots of information about what the characters are doing and the events that took place, and that's good. But if you want to tell a good story, you need to do more than just tell us what's happening. You need to take us on a journey; to help us FEEL what's going on. Help us taste the saltiness of the pork and beans they had for breakfast, hear the noise of the good people who are hard at work, feel the humidity of the oncoming storm, smell the dampness of the rain, experience the twinge of slight discouragement when the people laugh at Sir Everett and the uneasiness when he first sees the cloaked stranger. See what I'm getting at? :-)
If you'd really like to improve, I highly suggest you get a good beta-reader. Beta-readers are extremely helpful when it comes to proper spelling/grammar, improving the writing/storytelling, giving suggestions/advice and catching glitches you weren't able to find. (I'd volunteer to help, but I'm already booked.) ;-)
Whatever happens, don't give up on this. It's got too much pontential for someone to do that. :-) I think it's a great idea and I'd love to see it grow and develop. Good luck with this, and Happy Writing! I eagerly await further installments!
Writing for the Author and Perfector,
PS: I can't beta-read, but there are a few writing tips I learned that might help you improve. If you'd like some of them, just drop me a PM. :-)