|Reviews for The Last Marauder|
| Ramzes chapter 1 . 10/31/2008
Good and sad, I feel really bad for Remus, but then, everyone would. You portray him so good.
| Garima chapter 1 . 3/17/2008
WOW! the piece is gripping, i feel it truly portrays what Remus would have felt. The emotions are described beautifully and allows me to picture it exactly in my head.
I love it :D
| Elledreamer chapter 1 . 2/21/2008
Yay! This was really good! I loved the focus on Remus and I thought you captured him brilliantly! Kerp it up!
| Worldmaker chapter 1 . 2/21/2008
This was pretty good, but you should separate dialog out of narration. That makes it easier and more natural to read. Your paragraphs appears as just one big block, and no one likes reading walls of text. Break it up, and its easier.
For example, paragraph 2 from your story, broken up into easier-to-read blocks:
“Why Sirius?” Remus whispered, his voice and heart filled with pain, “What good did it do? How could you do this to them? How could you do it to James? What about Harry? Didn’t you think of him?”
Remus was at a loss to understand why Sirius would intentionally hurt James and the family James had held so dear. Sirius and James had been inseparable. They were brothers in spirit, even if not in name. They had always been so similar and always turned to each other for help and comfort. They were best friends to the end. The end had come.
So why’, Remus wondered, ‘am I still here? How can I be here if everything else I trusted was false?’
Halloween is notoriously associated with ghosts, goblins and terror but this year it had brought more horrors than Remus could have ever imagined. Death, grief, loss, murder, insanity, evil.
Sirius was James and Lily’s Secret Keeper. He...
... as a digression here (and sorry to break into your story, you shouldn't use the word "he" here... to which "he" are you referring? Seems to me that you could be referring to Sirius. Better to just say "Remus"...
...knew that they had trusted Sirius even more than Dumbledore himself. And Sirius betrayed them.
Remus just didn’t understand it. Not only did he willingly hand James over to Voldemort but he murdered Peter with his own hands. Sirius knew that James loved Lily more than anybody but Sirius as good as murdered her. He killed the woman his best friend loved. As far as Remus was concerned Sirius could go to Azkaban and he hoped he died there, alone and friendless.
Remus would do nothing to stop it.
See what I mean? Not only is it easier to read, its easier to get the emotional points across since you're dealing with them one by one rather than all in one lump.
Anyway, aside from that, your words flow well, are amazingly empathic and descriptive, and you have a good sense for character and emotion! Fix the paragraphing problem and this story will stand as one of the great ones.
Just out of curiosity, do you have a beta-reader? If not, you might want to find one..