|Reviews for Ghosts of the Past|
| 0er0 chapter 1 . 2/2/2012
They say you can see a lot of an author by their work, but this one was could potentially bury the reader with details.
I believe the grammar or sentence structure wasn't your weak point. I found three clear sentences that needed to be fixed. I'll send those to you in the form of a pm so they don't clutter the actual review. I'll send you them after this.
I can tell that you've a taste for the poetic and you definitely don't seem to mind sharing it both online and to the caller on the other end of the phone. As far as the poetry itself, I see you made it thematic to the choice that comes up later. The poetry struck me with a few things. One: The song tells you first to listen, then to feel then to fill. This implies a lot of waiting for the character or a lot of silence endured. As nighttime makes no noise it's more like listening to darkness itself. The wolf cry is a reference to Riku. The most interesting line being we are slaves to the dance of the moon and sun. Implying we're slaves to time itself or rather the changing of the days.
Now immediately upon this moment I did see a bit of a prick moment. Your friend called, you sang a song you wrote, then hung up literally less than a minute later to play KH. I don't know if it was meant to be rude or even if it'd be that noticeable, it seemed like you referenced Alex just to toss him aside : /
Now onto the dream. This I feel was the most interesting part, but I feel there's some lost potential overall. I think it would have been easy to spin in a heartless battle when looking at ghosts of the past. I feel the memories could have been more interactive. One could easily add more memories and have Miranda fight past ghosts or fears (perhaps loose to a battle against her anger). Or at least be pointed in the right direction.
I caught when the choices were made made the "Is this the path of your soul?" and at the last choice, "This must be the path of your soul."
What you did well at: The symbolism is definitely a strongsuit. You have a thematically appropriate poem. The choices were clever and it's a daunting task to put insert an IRL in any story.
What you need to tackle: The first problem is this is a self insertion, that alone will ward off some readers. Although KH is a very open universe. I'm not sure if everyone can accept real life into KH. We'll see the transition of the two later.
The other is adding more attention grabbing or character development. I feel the quotes could be modified to reveal more about the characters. The only thing I know about Alex is that he's an avid user of the internet and likes Miranda enough to call her/ be discouraged at it being a bad time. I know there's a way to reveal more about the characters with the quotes.
The dream sequence to me had the most that could be improved. Although the symbolism, I wouldn't do a thing to. I'd try to throw in appropriate memories or personal heart aches to try to defeat at every choice.
I feel as if it'd be possible (but in this case not necessary) to make Miranda part of the KH universe with her own world rather than using ours. You may be doing that but we'll see.
Overall: It more interesting events/ quotes could spice the story up. Keep up the strong symbolism. I'll PM what sentences had errors and not clog up a review with them (my pride wouldn't allow me to nitpick in a review).
| FenrirKeyblade chapter 3 . 9/4/2010
Oh, man, that was awesomesause.
It makes my OC fic look more horrible than ususal.
Original, too, and LEiK ZOMG ROXY-KUN YAZ1!1!
This really wants me to improve my writing, coz it's so well written and, and, descriptive without being too descriptive.
| TheWarriorOfTime91 chapter 3 . 1/10/2010
omg This was just awesome lol u did a nice job with it lol Cant wait 2 read the next part! I wish I could go into KH I made my own keyblade XD
| N0L0NG3R1NU53 chapter 3 . 9/16/2008
You know, you should add all worlds from KH1 and KH2, plus some new worlds. OOH! And Peter Pans world should be Peter Pan Two. And Atlantica should be The Little Mermaid Two!
| Ao Kudo chapter 3 . 4/26/2008
YAY!CONTINUE!FINALLY!EARTH IS ACTUALLY INVOLVED IN SOMETHING!.
| Mist Lionshade chapter 3 . 4/11/2008
GREAT STORY! UPDATE SOON!
| Storm Midnight chapter 3 . 3/17/2008
Loved the chapter!
So Miri needs to find her body... Why do I have a feeling that that the returning of her spirit to her body is going to have a mega impact on the story?
Does her body get held hostage or possessed or something of that sort?
... Other than that, I hope you update soon!
| CupKaykeskyline chapter 2 . 3/17/2008
Another good fic ,mi lady!*bows head* You make the world of KH seem so real and your writting flows so well. Riku ... oh my gosh I giggled so much when he talked ... RIKU!woh! ME SAYS THAT I LOVE IT!
| CupKaykeskyline chapter 3 . 3/17/2008
YEA and adventure! You know what I love about your fic. It gives me hope that somehow,somewhere ... Kingdom Hearts exists!I like that you ficcy is informative , but not boring ... A skill that I have yet to master. A big big fan of Taylor Swift are we.
| Black Scepter chapter 3 . 3/17/2008
Interesting, you have decided to tell the three of them your origins, although most of the time it is actually unwise it seems our dear old planet Earth plays a role.
Another thing I want to bring up, the scene with Taylor Swift reminded me of something we did... except it was with Linkin Park... and Goofy bopped his head and played air guitar.
Ah, Roxas, Nobody or not he does one thing: kick ass. Oh and to answer your retorical question from the story... never.
Not to be nitpicky, but to help the writer improve I'm supposed to point out an aspect to be improved; there are a few mispells, although they're more of forggeting a vowel.
The adventure is only begining... SQUALL LEONHART RULES (Please forgive Michael, he is reffreing to the game FF8 as well as KH, he has played it by the way.)
| CupKaykeskyline chapter 1 . 3/16/2008
WHAT! You wrote that song! I totally loved it. The fic was beautifully written! I felt like I was wavering on time or something like that ... a wierd feeling ... but awesome. I like how you played the first scenes in KH . Nice!
| Ao Kudo chapter 2 . 3/16/2008
THIS WAS AWSOME!
| Storm Midnight chapter 2 . 3/5/2008
OMG ANOTHER RIKU-LOVER!
Sorry, got ahead of myself...
Another awesome chapter!
Please, please, please (x one million) Update soon!
| Storm Midnight chapter 1 . 3/5/2008
... Wow. That's all athat can describe this first chapter of what I know will be an awesome story!
1. Great song
2. Great recreation of the beggining of KH with your own symbols
3. This fic had me from 'Where do I start?' for that symbolized a heroic/life-threatening/epic adventure.
4. YOU'VE BEEN LISTED! (Fav Story, Fav Author, the works)
5. Your writing is awesome.
I hope you update soon!
| Dramatical-Error chapter 2 . 3/5/2008
ADSF best story ever Mira- I MEAN Miri ;P
Can't wait to see more