|Reviews for Looking For Love|
| ScifiSOS chapter 20 . 1/13/2009
ergh...okay. pinnocio much? i can't tell what this story is anymore. fantasy action romance? you have to keep it to one plot. yes its hard if you are sworming with ideas but...noah becomes a real boy because of some mysterious lady? sorry i'm sounding like a flame altho i'm just saying...its best to keep it realistic when you got stuff like this...and didn't you say Alister's brother was eerr blonw up or hurt something like that. there is no way he could withstand a blow up so i hope it was just the head hit too hard or something. i'm sorry i'm babling. sorry .
i favorited this cuse the first couple chapters are entertaining (altho the love between jou n kaiba was so sudden to me XD)
again sorry rambling. .
| Turbo Toad chapter 1 . 6/13/2008
You really need to go back to Freshman English class, or possibly even earlier. You have constant run-on sentences that make it difficult to read your wonderful piece of work. I would love to help edit your story as it interests me and I would love to be able to read it through.
| Draggy2 chapter 1 . 5/2/2008
Your story telling is very basic. You have the story and plot and even speech down. You know what you want to happen and you say what does.
But your story telling is very basic. There is a whole lot of this happened and then that happened which made this happen so this person said this which made this happen and then that occurred.
As he made his way to the private entrance to Seto's Office he heard the sound of scuffling and voices AND he broke down the door AND there were the three figures AND they were trying to get Seto tied up AND he wasn't going to let that happen SO he was fighting with them. Joey ran over and using his martial arts skills he beat the hell out of the hooded men and THEN as he helped Seto off the floor they heard from behind them “Bad mistake not making sure that your opponents were down for the count, now I must ask you to surrender.”
And a lot of run on sentencing. So, what you need to do to get a more story telling tone instead of a recital of events is simply to slow down your scenes.
Joey at a club - 2 sentences.
Joey at home
Joey arrives at Kaiba Corp. (does inspection)
Joey reached Seto's room (fight scene)
Joey and Seto talk to the police.
The bad guys escaped, Joey is set up at the mansion.
Okay, so... you have A LOT happening, and some of it happens rapidly. To slow down narrating the easiest way is to "become" the character. In this story you've already selected a character to follow around: Joey. A single character can be easier or harder depending on what you want the reader to know. You are simply stating the facts: this happens. About the only time you used Joey as Joey was:
and he loved his job because
(he was usually alone and had no one really to answer to except for Roland and of course Kaiba himself.)
You explained something about the character you are writing.. he likes his job. We know something about him. It's also easier to lose run on sentences if you are your character.
Joey loved his job. For the most part he got to spend his days in isolation without having to deal with people, and the people he did have to deal with he got to beat up... or yell at. Except for Kaiba. And Roland. He never yelled at Kaiba or Roland. Ever.
As he made his way to the private entrance to Seto's Office he heard the sound of scuffling and voices AND he broke down the door AND there were the three figures AND they were trying to get Seto tied up AND he wasn't going to let that happen SO he was fighting with them. Joey ran over AND using his martial arts skills he beat the hell out of the hooded men AND then as he helped Seto off the floor they heard from behind them “Bad mistake not making sure that your opponents were down for the count, now I must ask you to surrender.”
As he made his way to the private entrance to Seto's Office he heard the sound of scuffling and voices. Joey paused for but a few seconds, enough time to gauge how many occupants were in the room. One... two. Another scruffle, someone was knocked to the floor. Hard. Three then. Plus Kaiba.
Joey kicked in the door, two men were trying to angle Kaiba towards the corner and failing as their target interposed the desk between him and his assailants, forcing the men to move where Kaiba wanted them.
Joey wasted no time, the third man was back up and even Kaiba couldn't defend himself for long against three trained men.
Trusting Kaiba could hold his own for a minute longer, Joey took on the straggler whose hands were stretching a piece of rope, thin enough to suggest they planned only to subdue and capture Kaiba. Thin enough to ease Joey's worry that Kaiba wasn't in mortal danger. Joey exchanged punches with the man in black, trying to see a face beneath the hood and failing. If there was one think Joey was good at, it was fighting. Feeling at his prime Joey dodged each blow, watching, calculating, there would be a moment when the man would get frustrated and become sloppy.
But he wouldn't hit Joey, just create an opening for Joey to hit him. Wait for it, wait for it, don't look back at Kaiba, he could hold his own for just a minute longer.
But there was a thump sound and Joey's heart sped up, his eyes glanced back in time to see Kaiba on the floor, a second later Joey was hit.
Using the momentum from the punch Joey grabbed the rope from the man in black's hand and quickly, well his body was still on the ground, rotated around the man, stood up behind him and tied his hands together before a quick step later coming up in front of the assailant and smashing his head on Joey's knee.
Joey was over the desk and kicking a man off Kaiba within seconds. The man, not expecting Joey to finish his fight with the assailant so soon stumbled back... etc, etc etc.
then they get back up and seto joins the fight.
Anyway, practicing a character's view and going into detail will enrich any story.
Happy writings! (your plot and story idea is great! really, really!) Hope I was helpful in future writing endeavourers!
Joey ran over and using his martial arts skills he beat the hell out of the hooded men and then as he helped Seto off the floor they heard from behind them “Bad mistake not making sure that your opponents were down for the count, now I must ask you to surrender.”
| Kuragari Kagirinai chapter 2 . 3/16/2008
Well, I don't know where to start. I really like the story idea and advancement, but how you wrote it really gave me a headache. I mean I was honestly going to read this whole thing before I reviewed, until I saw it was 25 chapters and nearly fainted.
I even took the liberty of reading through a few of the reviews. Mostly all said, 'wow I love this!' and 'omg what happens next!', but I'm going to assume that they all have the ability to process this huge... thought. That's what this story seems to me. One huge, fast-paced thought.
That's another thing. It goes by so fast! It seems that every time I turn around its and and and and... But what just happened then? Things that you think would take hours are completed in what seems to be mere minutes! I hate to admit, but I'm pretty slow and all this just crashes and burns in my brain.
Kaiba also seems to be very, very, very OOC. Not that I mind so much, but its just so blatant and seems out of place for some reason. I can understand not wanting Kaiba to be such a bastard all the time though.
So really to sum things up, I loved the idea, I really did. But maybe a few more commas and periods to try and seperate your thoughts and ideas, and maybe even a little more content to try and slow things down so it doesn't seem like your on a bullet train to nowhere.
Luck to you in the future,
| sherabo chapter 25 . 3/14/2008
It is stories like this, that keep me reading on the net. I just love your wedding and marriage endings. Beautiful story.
| TheFemalePharaoh chapter 25 . 3/14/2008
The recption was indeed wonderful! The surprises Jou got were so wonderful I cried.I was so glad they got to ocme and see Jou at the height of his happiness and Seto's as well.
This story is indeed a wonderful one, but I never expected anything less from the geat Journey Maker!
MAY GOD FOREVER BLESS YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTER IN JESUS' NAME!
| dragonlady222 chapter 25 . 3/14/2008
I loved the end. I am glad they are so happy.
| sherabo chapter 24 . 3/14/2008
I took forever to review, sorry, but I finally posted updates to all my open stories, beastmaster... What can I say JourneyMaker, I love this wedding and the long kiss. They are so prefect together. And the soul mate. I hope I live to see that as a common thing. Great Story...
| sherabo chapter 22 . 3/14/2008
I'm so happy they are all coming together in love and that in the end Al and Mikey are together. This is truly one of your best. You know I am in love with Al so it's good to see him on the net. Col
| dragonlady222 chapter 24 . 3/13/2008
Nice wedding. I don't know how you can write so many different weddings for them. Great work.
| TheFemalePharaoh chapter 24 . 3/13/2008
YAY! THEY ARE MARRIED! HAPPY DANCE!
I loved the part where everyone was giving Jou away! The vows were so wonderfully made and I could only imagine the tears, laughter and the amiles given adn received this day. This is a great story and my hat's off to you!
| TheFemalePharaoh chapter 23 . 3/13/2008
YAY! The wedding is coming...and what is better..I GET A FRONT ROW SEAT!
I just know Seto and Joe will look so good in their tuxes. I wonder what Mokie and Noah will be in the wedding...flower guys. perhaps XD
ANYWHAY...great story and, as always, written by a great authoress...God Bless You Forever, my dear friend!
| dragonlady222 chapter 23 . 3/13/2008
I hope everyone can come. This will be wonderful.
| sherabo chapter 19 . 3/13/2008
so wonderful, thank goodness for SHadi, you played him well, Super story...
| TheFemalePharaoh chapter 22 . 3/12/2008
I am SO glad that everything is progressing so well. I only hope that nothing spoils this. I man, come on, they deserve nothing but ther purest of happinesses and the sweetest of passions. Please update this ASAP!