|Reviews for Quake III: Visor's Game Over|
| PUTO chapter 3 . 9/30/2012
OIGALE FALTA PES! PARA CUANDO?¿?¿?
| 45 chapter 3 . 9/30/2012
| Forohe Toxophilus chapter 3 . 10/30/2008
So sorry that it takes so long for me to review again, but this chapter defines you as a writer now. You've taken the essential step in your writing that makes people want to read your stuff.
You've made it relatable.
Any one put in that situation with that kind of evidence would completely act like that! Hell, I don't know anyone who wouldn't! I had a few friends read this with me, and they were impressed with it.
Great job. I hope I'm making it easier to deal with no one really in this section getting any attention. I hope to see more of this. I especially like the dialouge. Sounds like he really was a sergeant in his past life.
| Forohe Toxophilus chapter 2 . 7/26/2008
Ho hum... plot twist... interesting... what could they be looking for hmm?
This is definately a little more readable than the last chapter, and the vocabulary fits an arena Gladiator. If it's praise you want, it's praise you get. I really like the story so far.
There's a few grammatical and spelling errors, but nothing serious. I didn't notice them my first time through. I had to read it three times to find anything bad, other than the spacing.
The spacing could use a bit more room, seeing as you have a lot of action to cover, as well dialogue. Try putting an extra space between paragraphs, that'll make it more approachable. More people will read it.
I look forwards to the next installment. Keep it up!
| Hatoresu chapter 2 . 4/27/2008
'tis Vix! 8D
I like it!
You're quite a talented writer, m'dear.
I agree with Forohe, though. You'll need to correct the lines where the characters are speaking on Chapter 1!
Oh and, I have a thing with a line on Chapter 2.
'Razor and I did some investigation, which drew us to a new portal to us.'
My opinion is that it should be;
'Razor and I did some investigating, which drew us to a new portal.'
'Cause your sentence kinda doesn't make sense.
| leespike chapter 1 . 4/25/2008
mint write a nother one!
| Forohe Toxophilus chapter 1 . 4/7/2008
Uh hu. General fiction on the Arena. Not bad, but nothing but the 321 Fight in bold actually caught my eye. You definately have talent, but need to correct some dialouge.
First- Make a new paragraph every time someone else speaks. You are certainly going to get a lot more hits and reviews when your work looks readable. Example-
"Gorre again?"etc etc...
"Correction Razor..." etc etc...
Second- Have your dialouge be more adult like. These guys are soldiers and cold hard killers, they do not say "Hey, could you teach me that?" like a ten year old. He would probably say something like "Nice job. That asshole had no idea what hit him." and then watch the guy to learn how he did it. Obviously there is commerodery between characters, but you need it to be mature, more dry humour and definately less childish reactions. Leave that to the Anime writers, you're supposed to be a dirty thinkin' sly backstabbin' bastard. Act like it in your writing.
Nice story anyways. I hope to see more.