|Reviews for A Little Less Sixteen Candles, A Little More Touch|
| K. East chapter 1 . 12/28/2009
This was... completely stunning. Wow.
The imagery is so vivid in this piece and you have so many phrases that are just- amazing, poignant. For some reason I was completely hooked at "Vaguely, he wonders what his friends would say, because he's not quite twenty-one and she's just past twenty-five". That line reminded me of how young everyone was, way too young for war.
I also liked "...she steps out the front door, straight into the arms of Antonin Dolohov and Death" (so poetic) and "watching the thin tendrils of smoke escape into the unknown like her life did."
I mean, really. If I kept going I'd end up pasting the entire piece here, because it's just so well-constructed; every line nailed it. Seriously. Great work.
| sleepy queens chapter 1 . 10/3/2009
Oh wow, this was really good. I loved Marlene in this one.
| mermeow chapter 1 . 1/29/2009
Actually, I rather loved your Marlene the most amongst the many Marlene's I've read.
Amazing & very well-written. I loved the passion behind it.
| Hubacha chapter 1 . 8/7/2008
I don't know who Marlene is - perhaps I don't pay enough attention in the books - but you've given her a great character to go with Sirius.
I love the symbolism of the candles that's continued throughout the story, it gives it flow. And of course it gives the last line a lot of impact.
Something I also liked was how suddenly and bluntly you say she dies. It was quite unexpected and I had to read the sentence again to makes sure I'd understood it right; it was perfect because it was a sudden death, and Sirius didn't expect it. It makes it more effective, I think.
Your style features a lot of long, complex sentences with lots of clauses - which is great, because it flows, but you might want to consider adding some short ones to vary it a bit? That can be very effective, like it was in the last sentence.
I mean, that's me looking very hard for something to give constructive critisism on, because your writing style is great.
| The One And Only Lobster chapter 1 . 7/17/2008
This is somehow perfect, yet imperfect at the same time. I love it. It's raw and... I dunno. I just loved it. Loved the imagery, loved the whole fic.
| Rose of the West chapter 1 . 6/17/2008
That imagery works really well.
| Frayed Misfit chapter 1 . 6/17/2008
Ah *le gasp* um *faints*
This is beautiful! Purely and wonderfully beautiful! There are so many wonderful things about this story; the repitition of the lighting of the sixteen candles, and how even though they represent meaninglessness (just a routine) they are everything in the relationship.
The imagery; 'taut muscles', 'cloud of dreams', 'smoking newspaper', the dragon tattoo and her milk-white skin! You have written such perfection in those words!
And this line: "wax droplets dripping from the candles like fallen warriors and their light burning his eyes" is just simply wonderful.
I am in love with this story - it stole my heart.
| Gaby Black chapter 1 . 6/17/2008
I love reading about Marlene, and I think it's great to see how everyone imagines her differently. This was lovely and I loved the idea of Sirius being seduced for once. Good job!
| Megsy42 chapter 1 . 5/17/2008
That was AWESOME. I love the song very very much, and I love the fic too, it has a secretive, desirable feel to it which is really satisfying to read.
'he can’t bothered to find a match'. I think there's supposed to be a 'be' before bothered.
Overall this was excellent, great job. ]
| BellaAtHeartt chapter 1 . 5/11/2008
this is very good
i liked it alot
maybe you could flesh it out a bit and continue?
i am hopeing :D
| 10101010101 chapter 1 . 4/24/2008
Excellent imagery and I love the symbolism surrounding the candles. I think you stayed true to Sirius's personality in this one-shot and although we don't see much, or any really, of Marlene, I think you portrayed her character well too.
Great job. :D
| iheartbooks chapter 1 . 4/6/2008
I'm SO in love with your writing right now. Maybe I'm just behind, but I've never read a Marlene/Sirius fic before, and I must say, I really like them together! Especially your Marlene. They seem to match perfectly and Sirius' revelation is so meaningful at the end.
| Lexie-H chapter 1 . 3/20/2008
I disagree with your A/N: it's very special. Very vivid, you transport me there and I can SEE the characters, which takes a lot of talent to do consistently. I love the motif of candles, and... this story fits Sirius. It just does. 'Nuf said.
Did you know in your title on the page itself, you've written: "A Little More Touch Me"? (ie. the ME)
Fan-bloody-tastic, not that I expect anything less. (I'm reading the oneshots, then going back to the chapters. Can't wait to read the Lily/james one!)
| dancingcarrot21 chapter 1 . 3/20/2008
This was wonderful. I love the cynical lust in this. And the description is excellent as always. The way you start out describing Sirius' recklessness is perfect. And I love the references how he's like a cocktail, and the droplets of melted wax to warriors. And how it's basically leading up to he misses her and he was reckless with the time spent with her.
This gave me chills:
"And that’s when he realises: it wasn’t the tattoo, crimson red contrasting perfectly with deathly white, or the hand on his leg or even the way his taut muscles felt as they scraped against her frayed couch, it was her.
The last candle flickers, and dies."
Wonderful job again, Cuba. ;)
| Anomalous Anonymous chapter 1 . 3/13/2008
Absolutely fantastic. You totally humble me-next time I think I've written something somewhat decent, I will go back and reread this. Good job.