|Reviews for The princess|
| Anti-Logic chapter 3 . 3/28/2008
I'm gonna give you some constructive criticism here, but before I go on, I'm going to tell you right now that if you're not thirteen yet, you're not supposed to be on this site. If you're older than thirteen don't be offended, it's just that you pull some very...interesting cliches and so you sound a lot younger in your writing than you could sound. Hey, maybe you just haven't been writing for long.
But either way, taking nothing I say as an insult; I'm just trying to help out. Believe me, I started writing fanfiction in a similar way to you, and looking back I would have been grateful for constructive reviews, if not immediately.
1. Grammar, grammar, grammar. Let's just get that one out of the way right now. Here we have a grammar problem that's probably turning off your readers. Run everything through spellcheck, then check it over again yourself because spellcheck can be retarded sometimes. If you don't trust yourself to catch mistakes, get someone to look it over for you. In fact, it might be a good idea to do that anyway - it's always harder to catch mistakes in your own writing.
2. The summary is like the cover of your book. Do you want the cover of your book to be covered in scribbles? That's what it's like when you add too much of your opinion into it. You also don't want your book cover to have a typo. Oh, and don't threaten the reader. ;
What you've got:
What happens when the gaang ventures to a kingdom of royals everything is dazaling and happy except for their princess. Kataang and some other couples read it or die. this is better than avatar collage i sware. At leasy that is what i think.
What you could have:
What happens when the gaang ventures to a kingdom of royals? Everything is dazzling and happy...except for their princess. Kataang, AangxOC, and some other couples
3: Right. Now onto the meat of the story. This is the most important part, and probably why this story only has four reviews as of now: I'm sorry to inform you that you have created a Mary Sue. A Mary Sue is any character in fanfiction that the author creates and automatically makes her better than anyone else. It's basically the author as they'd like to be, which is a big no-no, as they get very similar to one another.
Signs of Mary Sueism:
- Falls in love with a canon character (meaning a character already in the show).
- Said character immediately falls in love with her.
- Has a dark, emo past that makes her the center of attention.
- Has random emo fits that, once again, make her the center of attention.
- Other female characters hate her/turn bad just so she can get the guy.
- Has special powers that pwn everyone else's.
- Is exceptionally beautiful - just because.
- Contrasts some disease or nearly dies during a fight scene. The author does this in order to make her gain the attention of other characters already in the story.
- There are others, but your writing avoids those ones - kudos!
I know how much fun it is to imagine Mary Sue stories - I've had quite a few similar ones running through my head. But what we've all got to realize that as much as we try to disguise it, they're not all that original, often not badly-written, and never believeable.
4: Characterization. This means making your characters IC, (in character) which means acting how they normally would in the show. For instance, Katara just wouldn't cheat on Aang. Azula does not have witch powers. Aang wouldn't forget his longtime crush on Katara and abandon her for a girl he barely knows in an instant. Also, this nation you've invented doesn't exist in the Avatar world, seeing as the show states that there are only four. This setting would work in an AU (alternate universe) fic, but not in the normal Avatar world.
I can tell that you really enjoy the genre, and if you're having fun with this story I'm glad. I'm just letting you know why not a lot of people are probably sharing in your enjoyment - these kinds of stories are usually most entertaining to the authors themselves.
| Aryck-The-One chapter 1 . 3/14/2008
Never pair Canon charaters with original characters. It just doesn't make sense. Also, Katara wouldn't cheat on Aang.
| A Beautifully Broken Vixen chapter 1 . 3/12/2008
whatever you little brat i gotcha! your so gullible sometimes I'll read it after you get this! _ love ys sis. (when ur gone) just kiding!
| Capricieux chapter 5 . 3/9/2008
omg! great story! a little confusing...but do you mean duweldenvarden like in eragon? i love those books! and the elf queen's namne in the the book is islandi(i think)
paintbender(but i wish i was tylee lol)