Reviews for Rewritten: Pokemon and the Temple of the Sea
Hoennshipper6669 chapter 1 . 3/20
Best story I've read in awhile :D I've always wanted to see Brendan take the place of Ash in this movie. Thanks for writing this. (I read all of it in like 4 hours, I was supposed to go to bed but whatever. xD) I really liked it, great job
StrawberryCherry chapter 17 . 8/20/2013
Holy bananas, what have you done to this story? It's freaking awesome!
Aaron Crimson chapter 38 . 7/18/2013
i read this story in a few days. amazing, just amazing. loved it.
alexis wagner chapter 3 . 3/18/2013
You need to put in ash and pikachu idk about brock and you need ash because he is the star so remake it with ash plzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzz
dar chapter 24 . 2/1/2013
hey
Feibush Melech chapter 4 . 12/2/2012
It was nice to finally see my favorite character in the movie, Hiromi. She looked attractively cute to me with her looks and dark complexion. Plus she has a love for food which seems nice and cute. I would like have read stories about her except so far no one has written any. Anyway, I was thinking at first you were going to make Hiromi May’s rival since it seem like you were going there until Crystal showed up (who I didn’t know or forgotten that she was called Marina in the U.S dub).

I like Crystal as well, though only her in the game continuity. My reasons for liking her are shallow as it’s because of her looks (since like the other main characters from the games she’s hardly developed). Plus I haven’t seen Pokémon Chrystal in a long time, though from remembering a bit about it I don’t I might like Crystal from the OVA that much to consider her my favorite, and I haven’t read that far in Pokémon Special.

. . .

(Judging by the light, Brendan guesses that somebody down there is using physic Pokemon to lift up the water spheres that was created by water Pokemon.)

You mean “psychic”.

(Now that they found water they can drink, Brendan was in a better mood and because of this, and he decided to offer his hand to help May, as a sign of apology from the rude comment he made earlier.)

The first part of this sentence should be a sentence of its own, and there’s no need to add a comma before the word “as”.

(May looked suspiciously at the Brendan's hand, but before May could make a decision, Brendan, too anxious to wait, immediately grabbed May's hand, and he slowly dragged May down the hill, carefully finding good footings for them to use.)

May looked suspiciously at Brendan’s hand

("Come on Slowpoke!" Brendan said with impatience. He continued to look at the water spheres with a thirsty look in his eye.)

He continued to look at the water spheres with a thirsty look in his “eyes”.

(May then noticed that Max was standing next a huge water sphere, and using only his lips, started to drink the floating water with relish.)

May then noticed that Max was standing next “to” a huge water sphere.

(As she stood mesmerize at this amazing wonder, May heard Brendan's laughter, and she looked around and saw Brendan still talking the girl, apparently laughing at a joke she just made.)

And she looked around and saw Brendan still talking “to” the girl.

(She looks okay May thought once they released the handshake.)

Comma should be place after May’s thoughts.

(Hiromi smiled, glad that she made another new friend, and suddenly from the trailer behind her a couple a dark tanned people came up to see what was going on.)

And suddenly from the trailer behind her a couple “of” dark tanned people came up to see what was going on.

Also don’t you mean “dark skinned”? If they are tan they’re tanned.

(One was a lady who looked like Hiromi's older sister.)

(Oh, May thought, so the lady is her mom.)

First of all I think fro there’s no need for you to use parentheses in this case. Just write is has her own thought dialogue. Secondly from what I remember I think she looked a bit too old for people to be assuming her to be an older sister to a girl who looks to be around 16. If this is the assumption May makes in the movie however then never mind.

(Max turned his head towards May to ask her if she knew who was this girl)

Max turned his head towards May to ask if she knew “who this girl was”

(The thought of air conditioners and water seemed to appeal to Max, Brendan, and May, who still hasn't had a glass of water to drink yet.)

The thought of air conditioners and water seemed to appeal to Max, Brendan, and May, who still “haven’t” had a glass of water to drink yet.

("Yeah," Brendan said as he continued to drink more water, and Max, who was sitting on the bottom bunk and taking off his shoes, looked up now with interest about the topic May bought up.)

looked up now with interest about the topic May “brought” up.

(May waits patiently for a while to see if Brendan would continue to about Crystal, but Brendan, thinking that May just wanted a "yes" or "no" answer, didn't continue and started to rummage through his backpack for his water bottle to fill it with water that is now provided.)

May waits patiently for a while to see if Brendan would continue to “talk” about Crystal
Feibush Melech chapter 3 . 11/25/2012
Well your dream was apparently either wrong or was nothing as you have gotten reviews and are continuing to get some.

For starters I am actually happy Ash and Brock are not in this one. In fact I was hoping it would just at least be May and Brendan, as well as ax since I have an idea of why you would keep him in the story at least. It’s not that I have anything against the two but I was hoping it would just be May and Brendan (which was obvious it would be). So I am happy about this decision. What made me even happier is that the Team Rocket trio would not be in this story. I can understand why you don’t like them. I had the same problem with them myself. They started get old around Diamond and Pearl and they just over stayed their welcome (I could also say the same for Ash and even Brock). It’s a good thing the people behind the show fix this problem when Best Wishes came around. I haven’t seen the whole series yet but from what I have seen they made Team Rocket cool and organized, like they were in the early episodes of the first series, and they don’t appear every episode (in fact after a certain point in the show they don’t make an appearance for a while).

Anyway as for the story itself it seemed that it was mostly just reading about each of the characters description, especially with Brendan and May. With that along with feeling I read half a chapter, not much happens in this chapter. From reading your news I learn that your portrayal of Brendan is base around his counterpart from Pokémon Special/Adventure (I am going to assume that was the book you use) and Advance, which how did you manage to base part of his character on the animated show when he hardly made an appearance? I guess you must have used his father’s character to help. I would say though that having the characters using their water pokémon to provide them water was smart move. It was unexpected and it kind of surprised me but it made sense in that situation. I agree that it’s something the characters from the animated show continuity don’t seem to consider.

So its chapter three and already I can see the changes. I haven’t seen the movie in a long time to remember everything, but just leaving out Ash, Brock, and the Team Rocket trio and adding Brendan to the story with his own character already makes this come off as being a different from the original and therefore a retelling. :) I would learn something from this yet, or get more of the courage to do what you did. Oh also if you wrote the first two chapters nicely while you were sick then that's amazing. I can't do something like that because I would be too weak to focus and just write/type in general.

. . .

For the corrections:

(His green short sleeved shirt outside of a white shirt which has its collar sticking out and brown pants that went down to his knee.)

I think you meant to say "He wore a green short sleeved shirt outside of a white shirt with a collar sticking out along with brown shorts."

(Brendan was the type of person who didn't want to deal with unnecessary arguments of complaints.)

Do you mean "arguments or complaints" or is it really just "arguments of complaints"? If that what it was meant to be then fine. I just wasn't sure whether this was a mistake or not.

(Brendan had designed these clothes to be weather proof and comfortable, unfortunately right now they are just making Brendan feel hotter.)

This should be split into two sentences so the comma should be replaced with a period and you know what to do from there.

(I was not the one who wanted get to the town as fast as possible.)

You mean "to get to the town as fast as possible".

. . .

Good night for now.
Feibush Melech chapter 1 . 11/18/2012
For some reason my entire review didn't get publish. It's like the website cut off half of my review or something. Well here's the rest that was cut off which I have to publish in the first part of the prologue since I can't post a review twice on the same chapter.

For starters keep in mind that unless the word “pokémon” is being use as a name for a title or something it is a noun and should be treated as a noun instead of a proper noun. This would mean that pokémon should not be capitalize when not being use as a proper noun. The same can be said for the names of the species of Pokémon so names such as corsola, chinchou, cloysters, and mantine should be lower case. The only time it would be alright to capitalize the species name is when that is their actual name. In which case it was okay for you to capitalize the names of Captain Phantom’s pokemon since that’s what he refers to them as. It’s their names so that makes the species name proper nouns.

Also…

(The Corsola, Chinchou, and Cloysters all passed by without even a glance at the egg, as if they know not of the egg's importance.)

I think there should be an s behind the species name “corsola” since there more than one. I know you implying there are more than one of those species since you started the sentence with “the” but even so you had to make the words plural. I would same for the species name “chimchou” except that name is a Japanese name I think, and in the Japanese language the plural rule doesn’t exist.

(The man had the same uniform as any other henchmen that Phantom has. The man had blond hair that hung low to his shoulder, and goggles that covered eyes)

For one there should be an "s" on "shoulder" and two there should be the adjective "his" between the words "covered" and "eyes".

("AFTER HIM!" Phantom roared)

There’s no need to capitalize the dialogue since explanation point and you mentioning that he “roared” indicates that he is giving his commands in a loud voice.

("Jack, you there? What took you so long?" )

The contraction “you’re” would be a correct word to use in this sentence instead of just "you", because the term “you’re” is a combination of “you” and “are”, as in “Jack, you are there?” The word “you” is use when a person is addressing someone or something.

("Oh and Jack?"
"Yeah Judy?" Jack's heart started to race with excitement.
"Try not to die until you get the egg for us. We need you until then. Then your life will no longer be needed."
"Very funny Judy." Jack disconnected the walkie-talkie and put it back into his pocket. Jack finally saw the metal door that blocked him from the outside. He kicked the door open, and ran out into the sunset sky. The submarine had surfaced out of the water. He hoped that he can find his escape route before he ends up dead. He got to the end of the pirate submarine and looked out of the horizon. He looked around frantically as if he was hoping a boat would appear out of nowhere. Suddenly he spotted a Mantine jumping out of the water.)

I haven’t seen the movie in a while but wasn’t it night time when all of this was happening? In fact in the first part of the prologue you imply it was night time. Also what’s with the lines of words not being close together?

(He pulled out the antenna from the device and pushed a button.)

I think the word “that” would have been a better choice to use then “the”, as in “He pulled out the antenna from that device and pushed a button.”

(Pinser, Hyper Beam at the water; Parasect use Solar Beam!)

This could be split into two sentences, as in "Pinser, Hyper beam at the water! Parasect use solar beam!" Also can Solar Beam even be use with the require energy needed to charge the attack not readily available at that time?

(Pinser and Parasect combined their devastating orb of light into the water, causing it to explode on impact, but after a while, there was no sound except the waves from the ocean.)

Don’t you mean “beams” of light? Anyway you only needed on comma in that sentence instead of three. In which case the one that comes before the word "but is fine.

(Although it was a wild Pokemon, it obeyed Jack in every command he made. The Pokemon flew into the air and emitted a bright red light, causing Phantom, his Pokemon, and the crew members to scream with pain. Then the light vanished.)

You don't need the first two comma.

(Then the light vanished. When Phantom was able to see again, he noticed that both of his Pokemon had spirals in their eyes)

("Pursue! Pursue!" Chartot murmured, also having swirls in it's eye.)

Just mention they are dizzy or confuse and leave it at that instead of their eyes swirling. The only case this would be acceptable is if you are writing a script for a comic/animated show. Or that is unless you are aiming to have your readers visualize this like it's a comic/animated show and you're not really writing this in a formal way. The choice is up to you as to how you decide to go about this.
Feibush Melech chapter 2 . 11/18/2012
I decided to read this the moment I read this was a retelling of a movie I have seen before. This was because I am planning to do something similar, but it would be a crossover of two series, and I want to see how you went about retelling a story I ma familair with so I can get an idea as to how to go about my project. As for the story itself, first of all Pokémon Ranger: Temple of the Sea is my most favorite Pokémon Advance movie of all as well as most favorite Pokémon movie in general by far. There’s something about it that made me like it which the movies, while I would say some were good or decent for the most part, didn’t get me to like them this much as this one. I just had a good feeling about it when I watch it.

Second of all even though I won’t see the major changes until later in the story (though I might see some of the major changes next chapter since as typing this I only red the part 1 and 2 of the prologue) I already notice a few changes such as with the character Judy, who you made her appear a bit more serious than from what I remember and reading what Jack is thinking as he is escaping Captain Phantom’s ship. Although I see you were probably just elaborating on the characters since this is being written in a novel format, which is actually good for the most part. I can relate to you being concern about plagiarism, for this is a concern I have for my story project, but so far I would say you’re doing just fine. If anything I would say it’s like reading a novelization of the movie, but with changes. Thinking of this actually reminds me of the first volume of the Fullmetal Alchemist novels by Makoto Inoue, which was a retelling of one of the episodes of the animated show. From what I remember it was longer and just expanded that episode’s story.

Another thing, I personally think you should have made the first two parts of the prologue one chapter instead of splitting it to two. While the first part of the prologue did leave a cliff-hanger like you attended it was too short, and it would have just been fine with having the end of the 2nd part of the prologue being the cliff hanger instead.

So that's all for now. By the way, I read your profile and to tell you at first I thought you were a male. I guess it might have been the pen name. Your pen name doesn't really sound feminine, and I could see it being use a s unisex name instead. After all from what I see it's a name that could imply to an fan of Japanese animation/graphic novels, regardless of sex, who dreams of visiting or living in Japan one day.

Bye for now!
RoboMonkey2012 chapter 38 . 8/8/2012
Awesome job :)
Guest chapter 2 . 7/15/2012
will there be advanceshipping in here
overall its still pretty good
RuruPuppy2854 chapter 38 . 5/12/2012
This version was sooo cute. It was also a good story for me to read because nothing was spoiled. I haven't watched Pokemon Ranger and the Temple of the Sea. I loved the way May, Brendan, and Manaphy acted like a family at the end.
Amy47101 chapter 9 . 4/11/2012
This story is wonderful! I don't know why other people aren't reading this, but screw them! It's awesome!
Amy47101 chapter 1 . 4/8/2012
I don't think using an idea to make your own is 'plagiarizing'. I do that all the time when I write! Like when I used some characters/ideas from winx club or pokemon for my story's. But to be safe, I put down a disclaimer. May and Drew 4ever! 3
HunterKiller762 chapter 38 . 2/6/2012
This was without a dought one of the best Pokèmon story's I've ever read. I only wish I could have seen alittle more hoenshipping. Still great job 10/10!
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