Reviews for Breathing Exercises
MoonClaimed chapter 1 . 1/4/2009
Very, very nice. The girl was a good medium for Zuko's self-introspection, and your words flowed nicely. You did a very good job with this story.
anonymous chica chapter 1 . 9/7/2008
oh my flipping god! (mentally slaps herself and corrects with gosh) this is the frickingest BEST one shot i think ive ever read please continue! make it a whole fanfic! it would be totally great!no negative things to say
Princess Tutu Fanboy chapter 1 . 6/17/2008
Very poetic, like u were painting a picture and guess what, the picture is beautiful
Sayle chapter 1 . 4/18/2008
One word: Sweet. Sweet in the awesome sense, and sweet in the cute sense. This is so Zuko, as well. The real Zuko, not our favourite little angst-muffin. He has got better lately, but this is how he should be!
claymade chapter 1 . 3/30/2008
Very nice and nuanced. The way you play it out, bit by bit, with the repeated theme of the breathing ("In two, out two.") stringing it all together... extremely impressive. Your OC really came alive as a character, and complemented Zuko well. And the ending had an excellent punch. Awesome stuff!
kasplosion chapter 1 . 3/29/2008
*sing song* Splendid! This really warmed my heart! XDD I love the little girl and everything! Whoots to you!
Shining Nova's Review Cont chapter 1 . 3/28/2008
Hit the wrong button and the submitted the previous review by accident. :( I'm still gonna continue with my review. Starting from the last subject...

Passive Vs. Active

-You wrote more in the passive than you did in the active. Passive is bad. It makes your verbs weak because instead of your verb doing the actions, you make them receive the actions. Like here...

/He had insisted on the importance of this mission to the group despite their intense opposition, and he wasn’t about to come back empty-handed./

See how 'had' weakens the sentence? Eliminate it.

/He insisted on the importance of this mission to the group despite their intense opposition, and he wasn't about to come back empty-handed./

Much better. Your verbs are much stronger. Practice writing in active. Elminate putting these words in front of your verbs: 'had,' 'had been,' 'was,' 'about to.'

Punctuation

-You abused the commas quite a bit. Remember this, if you've got more than three commas, you probably need to revise your sentence...

Sentence Variety

-Short sentences are your friend! Most of your sentences (excluding dialogue and the breathe line) were long and pretty much similiar in structure. Mingle in a few short sentences to keep the readers interested and engaged.

Adverbs/Adjectives

-Be careful about overusing adverbs and adjectives. Your descriptions more than made up for the adjectives, but still be cautious about drowning the story in them. Usually authors use adjectives as a crutch so they don't have to describe things in detail.

Now on to the good stuff I liked...

Language

-I thought your language was beautiful. Kudos!

Grammar/Spelling

-Perfect.

Plot

-I love it! In was so deep and so wonderfully engaging!

Characters

-Zuko was totally in character from beginning to in. I loved it. Usually when I read ATLA fics, Zuko has this huge epiphany and he turns into a big do-gooder. His change was subtle, but he was still in character. Big kudos to you.

Final Comments

-Damn, you are a great writer. No bull crap. Best ATLA fic I've read in a long while. What I want you to do is work on cutting out unnecessary words, writing in active tense, and improving the flow of your words. Keep writing, babe!

-Nova.
Shining Nova chapter 1 . 3/28/2008
As requestd, Twilight. Wow. Amazing ATLA fic. Damn, it was really good! But all gushiness aside, I wanna point a few things out to you.

Syntax

-Sentence structure was the biggest issue I had with this story. You've got a distinct style, but it's absolutely important that your sentences flow. For the sake of flow, you've got to make your sentences connect. Here's a sentence that didn't quite connect...

/As he had passed, wraithlike, through the palace, garbed fully in black and moving with the stealth that a life of too much hiding could bring, he had seen this servant girl – up late in the kitchens, using pilfered candles to perfect a technique she knew nothing of./

Alrighty. I'm gonna experiment with this sentence. Punctuation's is off. Commas after 'passed' and 'wraithlike' is incorrect. Eliminating the commas...

/As he had passed wraithlike through the palace, garbed fully in black and moving with the stealth that a life of too much hiding could bring, he had seen this servant girl – up late in the kitchens, using pilfered candles to perfect a technique she knew nothing of./

'Moving' in the sentence above is made void by 'stealth.' Stealth requires movement, right? Eliminating 'moving'...

/As he had passed wraithlike through the palace, garbed fully in black with the stealth that a life of too much hiding could bring, he had seen this servant girl – up late in the kitchens, using pilfered candles to perfect a technique she knew nothing of./

But now... my sentence doesn't make sense. 'Garbed fully in black' is what I'd like to call extraneous information. Doesn't really connect with the rest of the sentence. It's nice to know what he's wearing ;) but it's got nothing to do with him patrolling the halls and watching this girl. Eliminating that part...

/As he had passed wraithlike through the palace with the stealth that a life of too much hiding could bring, he had seen this servant girl – up late in the kitchens, using pilfered candles to perfect a technique she knew nothing of./

Dash is incorrect. Now, I've got two ways I could write this sentence. I can either eliminate the dash and leave it as it is...

/As he had passed wraithlike through the palace with the stealth that a life of too much hiding could bring, he had seen this servant girl up late in the kitchens, using pilfered candles to perfect a technique she knew nothing of./

...Or I can start a new sentence...

/As he had passed wraithlike through the palace with the stealth that a life of too much hiding could bring, he had seen this servant girl. She was up late in the kitchens, using pilfered candles to perfect a technique she knew nothing of./

Either way would be okay. But d'you see how it flows a lot better? Your sentences don't flow in every place. And this leads me to another point.

Superfluity

-You've got way too much goin' on in your sentences. Cut the fat; say what's needed and cut what's not. Like here...

/The girl’s expression became more concentrated, perhaps thinking that she was ready for a higher level./

'Perhaps thinking that' is fat. Cut it out...

/The girl's expression became more concentrated; she was ready for a higher level./

See how I injected the semicolon. Much better, right? Another thing...

Passive Vs. Active

-You wrote more in the passive than you did in the active. Passive is bad. It makes your verbs weak because instead of your verb doing the actions, you make them receive the actions. Like here...

/He had insisted on the importance of this mission to the group despite their intense opposition, and he wasn’t about to come back empty-handed./
badculture chapter 1 . 3/26/2008
Beautifully written. You did a wonderful job of writing an introspective piece without trapping the reader inside the character's head. Loved the ending.
sara chapter 1 . 3/23/2008
that was awsome.
JESUSFREAK chapter 1 . 3/22/2008
Wonderfully written...a fave for you! As soon as my retarded computer will let me log in...Monkey!
TetsuoYamakawa chapter 1 . 3/22/2008
This... was... gorgeous. I loved every second of this fic. It drew me in at first, but to be honest, it was somewhat hard to follow at the beginning. Perhaps it's something on my part, but that didn't last long and I soon managed to catch on. And man, did I catch on... Not only did it hold my attention, but there are a few sentences here just weave such a fine poetic picture. The ending, in which Zuko describes what he learned from the Avatar crew, was just wonderful. A sentence that really drove it home, as well as captured the characters. Not only that, but the ending itself, "I need my knife", was just the perfect ending. I'm just amazed at how well it's written and where you're going with this. Excellent work.
nolongerpostingonthissite chapter 1 . 3/22/2008
This was really well written. I like that Zuko feels he has the duty to educate his people about the war and the other nations. I really liked the end where he reflects on each of the gaang. And then the last line was perfect. Yay for Zuko wanting his knife and much Iroh love. Good job.