|Reviews for The Caravan|
| praywritelove chapter 6 . 1/24
I love it! Please, please, please keep writing :-) Your stories always immerse me in their plot and the characters become so real to me. Cannot wait to read your next update!
| ILoveAnime89 chapter 6 . 2/25/2012
Love it update again soon. .
| Regin chapter 6 . 9/5/2011
I Like, I Lust, I Love!Please Update Soon!
| SerbiaTakesCtrl chapter 6 . 2/28/2011
I like this a lot more that Governess. This has not only a better rounded character, but also a more interesting plot so far.
Update it soon, please?
| Space-Case-Writer13 chapter 6 . 2/28/2010
OKAY! YOU need you write more..Its been over two years...please please add more, this story has such potential! PLEASE! Alright, good story I want to read more (or at least tell us what happens). Happy writing
| evilspoofauthor1Sven chapter 6 . 9/26/2009
It's an interesting story. Please continue.
| Aranna Undomiel chapter 6 . 5/23/2008
Wow, really great story so far! Love the way you portrait Ardeth, really fitting :)
Hope you'll update soon, you're going on the alert list :)
| Nakhti chapter 6 . 5/17/2008
So... you finally got round to updating, huh? I thought you'd abandoned this story ;-) Glad to see you haven't given up on it.
I don't have much to say about this chapter, because not a lot happened. I know what its like when you've been outta the zone for a while - your brain takes a chapter or so to get back into the story, which is probably why this felt like a gentle ease back in. But if you're gonna get back into it from now on, can I just suggest a turbo boost fuel injection of plot in the next chapter?
Looking forward to reading it :-)
| Pirate College Graduate chapter 5 . 4/21/2008
Pretty good chapter, though I felt a little in the dark as to why Mercy's behavior has changed and become milder. Hopefully we'll get a glimpse into why, if there is a glimpse to be had. Update soon!
| nakhti chapter 5 . 4/16/2008
Ok, if you insist on me telling you what I think... ;-)
I liked the chapter overall, but I think it represented a reversion to the slow-moving narrative that made the first few chapters difficult to get into. Descriptions seem included as mere formalities rather than because they are meant to be enjoyed and savoured for themselves. In fact, the whole chapter had a general feeling of just getting the necessary formalities out of the way, although there were some important things revealed, such as the identity of the girl, and a tantalising clue about Mercede’s background (providing the reason she is so good to her servants).
One thing I didn’t like was Ardeth fainting. I know it’s a sexist thing to say, but fainting is such a stereotypical girlie thing to do, and it makes Ardeth seem less manly somehow. Maybe this was deliberate on your part, playing with the stereotype because Ardeth is so typically the masculine Arab man, but I just thought that if that was the case you should have called more attention to the irony of it. I didnt think Ardeth seemed embarrassed enough for a start. I mean, he was awkward enough just being dressed in western clothes and being seen at the opera, let alone having a swooning fit while he was there! But at least you hinted at his shame by having him reject Mercede’s help getting up. Thats the least I would have expected from him.
Now, on to matters of style...
‘Once the onlookers left, though most were very burgeoning about it,’
I think you mean ‘begrudging’ – burgeoning means to be swelling or growing bigger!
‘to place the tray on a small table that sat out there’
Pet peeve of mine: I do not like inanimate objects being described as ‘sitting’ – it makes them seem personified and just sounds wrong. They are located or situated or merely ‘are’ in such and such a place, but they do not ‘sit’. In this sentence, all you need is ‘to place the tray on the table out there’ which simply states that there is a table (using the definite article shows there is only one), and that is where it is, without the need for ‘that sat’ or ‘that was’ at all.
‘Her sturdy frame carried two steaming buckets of water.’
Not too keen on using ‘sturdy frame’ as a metaphor to describe the woman. This time you are doing the opposite of personification and dehumanising her, but also by saying that the ‘sturdy frame’ is carrying the buckets it creates a confusing visual image – is she holding them in her hands, on a yoke over her shoulders, crouched over with them balanced on her back? What? You could say ‘the woman had a sturdy frame, and carried two steaming buckets’ or simply ‘the sturdy-framed woman carried two buckets’ neither of which is particularly elegant, but less confusing.
“You should eat something if your stomach is not upset, but first you will bathe. I thought that this would be a good opportunity to stop you from smelling like a horse,”
I notice that we’ve lapsed back into stilted dialogue again. Is this intentional? Maybe you’re trying to make Mercedes sound haughty and condescending, but here she’s making a joke, so the informality of the content jars with the formality of the construction. I would round it off a little to sound more natural: ‘You should eat something, if your stomach isn’t upset, but first you will bathe. I thought it’d be a good opportunity to stop you smelling like horse.’ Like I said, contractions are not just permissable in dialogue, they are usually prefereable. It not only makes it sound more natural, it also differentiates the dialogue from the narrative.
‘Mercedes asked calmly as she picked a grape off the tray that sat on the table.’
See note above ;-)
Anyway, it was a decent enough chapter, just a little slow, and the dialogue still needs to be made a bit snappier and more natural. Just write it the way you’d say it, and dont belabour the grammatical construction. I usually exclude ‘that’ and ‘which’ from dialogue, because people tend to leave out unnecessary words when they speak. For instance, instead of ‘I have just finished reading the book that is on the table’ you would be more likely to say ‘I’ve just finished reading the book on the table.’ This might be grammatically less precise and therefore ambiguous (it could be interpreted to mean that you were on the table when you read the book, rather than stating that the book is on the table now) but grammatical ambiguity is forgiveable in dialogue, as long as the meaning is generally understood.
I know I keep going on about your writing style, but it’s just frustrating to see tiny things you could do to make a big improvement. I’m really tempted to take a chapter and edit it to show you what I mean, but I’d only do it with your permission (I’ve got in trouble for doing it without people’s consent before!) Anyway, the offer’s there is you want a beta.
| Nelle07 chapter 5 . 4/15/2008
| Casiana1 chapter 5 . 4/15/2008
Oh, my...I feel so bad for Ardeth and his poor niece. And here I thought the caravan was carrying some old artifact that could end the world, or something like that. This makes things a lot more interesting. I'm glad that you decided to try a new approach with this story. :D I'm glad Mercy decided to help him out. I guess she must have a heart after all...
Oh yeah, this was one of my favorite lines in this chapter:
Mercy: I am willing to help, Ardeth. I do not like to see strong men brought to their knees…unless, of course, I am the one doing it.
It made me chuckle. _
Keep up the good work!
Oh, one more thing...please don't be offended if I don't review every chapter. Just because I don't review doesn't mean I haven't read the chapter or don't like it. Coming up with really good reviews can be pretty difficult at times, as I'm sure you know. :( In the future, I plan to review if I can think of more to write than 'keep up the good work', or something similar.
| misslalou25 chapter 4 . 4/15/2008
your story is great
I can not wait to read the next chapter
| Misplaced Angel chapter 4 . 4/11/2008
i like it, though it was mean to leave us on the edge like that. *pout* not fair. but i like it, your story is really interesting. i assume that the desert girl is his wife/sister/someone close/ etc... right?
| Nelle07 chapter 4 . 4/9/2008