|Reviews for The Crow: Cape of Storms|
| Chrispumah chapter 19 . 11/28/2010
well, I finished reading it and I do have to admit, it cought my attention. Compared to other fan fics: it's above average, a B closing in on an A- in school grade speaking. Now compared to the actual Crow movies it is still better then the second and third movies, but those were complete and utter crap. the fourth and first are better but that's because mulitple people worked on it and it was funded to cause the motivation. but if I had to choose this would be a better sequal then the actual one. I beleive this story has the right tone, themes, and setting. A drug ridden rural area in the middle of nowere and everywere. The Main antagonist on the other hand needs some work. His diolouge felt like he was a hooligan from greenstreet hooligans intstead of an educated artist. I did enjoy how he questioned if revenge was what he wanted, but it is a no brainer since if he is dedicated enough to go back and kill someone, then yes it is what he wants. There is no questioning. For Daphnie, she was a bit annoying, but in a subtle way. no real complaints. the main problem with the story was the writing style. It switched continuously from past to prestent tense and I think even future tense. That was confusing! So a look back and rewriting can fix that. Also the yaping about the nothing must have an interesting point or a meaning behind it. in the begining when daphnie was examining the house it made me skip it because it was uninteresting. There might of been a meaning behind it, but I didn't see it.
So ya, good job girl. I was surprised that a female didn't make a female crow, or put stupid things in her story. Take it as a compliment. I an puting this story in my favorites and that means something.
| homicidalwombat chapter 19 . 9/18/2008
This story is better than all of the sequels combined. I read the whole thing without taking a break when I was supposed to be doing my homework, so you can see just how entranced I was! Great job!
| Kitai Shinsei chapter 19 . 9/2/2008
That was AWESOME! You've had me glued to my seat since I got home from work (Aside from being called down by my family for the nightly dose of supper and Isidingo. The whole time I was away from my computer I was itching to be back. :D)
This was phenomenally written. I have little knowledge of The Crow, save for having seen the first movie with Brendan Lee once or twice... as well as the TV series (Don't kill me, I was young, it seemed so cool at the time). But either way, I found that it wouldn't have mattered if I'd been familiar with the original story or not - and it has nothing to do with the fact that this is an original take on the story. You simply tell it like it is... it's easy to follow and understand.
Your style is amazing, as I noted in my review of "Flaming Greens", your writing flows with wonderful style and grace... it's like chocolate for the mind! It's always wonderful to find stories on that are this well-written. If it wasn't copyright-infringement, I'd tell you to publish this. Seriously. I'd buy it. And then I'd buy copies for my friends.
And then there was the story itself. Your characters were superbly realised. They were truly alive (Well... you know what I mean...) and I felt I could connect with them. Never mind the fact that this was set in South Africa... even though I've never been to Cape Town, it's where my parents studied, where they met, and where they lived for a long time. They've told me enough, and shown me enough, so that I feel as though I know that whole region. You truly brought it to life in your story... the streets, the people, the cultures. And the language... "hearing" a character speak in an accent more familiar to me than typical British or American... seeing words I know as part of my every-day vocabulary popping up... I never find that in what I read - fanfiction or otherwise. It made this a story that will forever stick in my mind. I love it.
Thank you for writing this. And thank you for sharing it.
| AC2 chapter 19 . 7/31/2008
The open ending denies us the closure we were expecting - will there be a sequel? I hope so. If this is where it ends, I recommend a chapter replacing this, and this one moved to Chapter 20. Reason is, the loose ends need to be tied up. It was so certain that Simon would kill his enemies and return to where he came from, but now the implication is that this is not the case. The possibilities are not even being mentioned, let alone explored, so this is NOT finished.
We haven't found out whether Ashleigh was raped and didn't mention it or had an affair with her lover's brother, and we don't have a motive for a brother killing his brother. The only "What happened next" we know about for certain is what happened to Daphne.
We don't know what the police made of the case, and why Daphne wasn't taken in for questioning, which would have been a legal requirement. Brush-stroking is fine, but don't leave it hanging unless a sequel is in store.
The fact that you have broken with a key canon element in terms of neglecting to resolve the story threads means you have some explaining to do. Why did Eric Draven get to go back to Shelly while Simon continues to drift? Or what is he doing? What happened to him? I don't mind a bit of AU, but it's only right to explain this new world and its rules. How does this new situation work?
It has been said that there are those who are so burdened by sorrow and guilt, that their souls can never rest, that they are doomed to wander the earth forever.
Call him Cain, kinslayer or name him The Wandering Jew, it does not matter, for he is accursed among men.
Why is this random quote in here? It would work if you had someone utter it. A mystic Daphne consults, perhaps. Without a context, it looks random and is therefore out of place.
She did not know what to expect, yet somehow it did not surprise her to see that the hole had not been filled, that sand had softenED its edges and [seeped] (use another word) into ragged wound. (? Please rewrite this sentence) No one had bothered to remove the splintered remains of the coffin wood, which stuck out like broken teeth with tarnished bronze handles – that vandals had not stolen, to her surprise.
That whole passage needs a rewrite. The ideas are good but it needs a bit of polish.
| AC2 chapter 18 . 7/31/2008
Great chapter, still building up the tension.
The unconscious Daphne was a surprise - I wasn't expecting that. Simon's musing over his death and the ultimate futility of vengeance is still novel - and welcome. It gives the story a moral compass.
The lead-in to the confrontation and the revelation to Simon of his brother's complicty in his death are well-handled, each aspect being given its due weight.
Simon’s own death still plays itself out over and over again in his head, the way that Doggie-dog twists the knife, the cruel laughter, with Ashleigh’s screams still ringing in his ears.
Erm, this doesn't tally with the original scenario of Simon's death, in which he was presented with Ashleigh's head and the body of her unborn child.
(Not an error - just tightening this up for you:)
Black exhaustion eats at him, dragging him to[ward the] oblivion[, the sleep offered by death]. It would be so easy to accept[, for] the wave [to] washing over him [and] to drag him under, but he sits, a stoic sentinel holding vigil outside his old home.
Then, like a fool, his brother must be in the first.
What's this? Please rewrite.
| AC2 chapter 17 . 7/30/2008
This is brilliant, edgy and very scary. The thoughts running through Daphne's head are very realsitic, and you have built the tension well.
I'm almost on the edge of my seat anticipating the ending. So Brendan doesn't do his own dirty work. Okay. So his man is going to sort out the mess. If he still has a man to do this. Cue BIG FIGHT! Am seriously looking forward to that scene. :D
The failure to resolve the mystery would have eaten you up. (Gives her an intellectual air. It also shortens and tightens the sentence.)
Simon[e] definitely fit the bill, but what was death but an agent of change?
My life was changing just fine before Simon[e] came along, Daphne thought.
These are not errors, I'm using the staccato technique again to emphasize the tension.
He froze, his lips parted.[, while s]Smoke tendrils escaped [from his lips]. Brendan’s tongue [darted out to] flicked at the corner of his mouth.[, running] He ran his hand through his hair again.
Brendan [gave a] chuckled, an ugly sound. “I’m gonna wait for my man to finish off my stupid brother, then I’m going to get him to clean up this mess and leave no loose ends.”
[A]His dangerous tone [in his voice caused] made Daphne’s blood [to] run cold.
| AC2 chapter 16 . 7/24/2008
You tease! I love the way you are building the tension, racking it up as we wait for the denouement. Am not surprised to learn that Brendan was behind his brother's death. Now, what other surprises do you have in store for us? You've caught me out before...
The scene where Simon, having become this foul, terrifying demon, arrives at the club and scatters the people is an absolute classic, and the fight scenes are tightly written.
Not errors, as such, but following these suggestions will add punch to these sentences.
The laughter ripples through his gut, climbing up through his vocal chords. He has to tip his head back to set it free.
Shortening the sentences makes a staccatto of them, adding to the atmosphere of tension and primal fear. Short, sharp bursts are what you are after, here.
“Let me pass,” Simon states in a quiet voice. “I don’t have any issues with you.”
Using the imperative makes them more likely to respond immediately. It's more confrontational.
| AC2 chapter 15 . 7/22/2008
This is where the payoff starts to kick in - the consequences of Simon's actions, which are consequences of his murderers' actions. Being left to deal with the aftermath is no fun! You have evidently had to deal with something similar, but smaller in scale. A rabbit? A pet run over? A fish? Something that taught you what this stuff looks and feels like. It shows. This is authentic in its descriptions.
The idea that she doesn't want to talk to the cops, but prefers to have dealings with Brendan is interesting, and hard to predict the consequences of. I like it! Nice twist!
Daphne glared after Simon when he slipped out into the night[, so much] like one of the other shadows.
Shaking, she lean[t]ed against the shattered front door
No! Someone did break open the door, two men.[ – of t]The lowest scum, of the kind [that] she prayed never have to be in such a predicament with
| AC2 chapter 14 . 7/14/2008
The fight with Daphne, who stands her ground and challenges the morality of what Simon is doing is unexpected and delicious. Yes, who cleans up after the death-dealers have wreaked their bloody vengeance? Who does it? And why is vengeance okay here, but not there? Brilliant work, eking out every angle of the plot.
The bird told me to come here, must have been privy to some sort of information.”
The bird told me to come here. He said you must have been privy to some sort of information.”
It may be a week night, but there are signs of life along Main Road Wynberg, where bargain furniture stores, Chinese discount shops and car dealerships stand cheek by jowl with liquor outlets and hala[a]l eateries.
The ladies of the night, dressed in their [tardy] tarty outfits that leave little to the imagination[,] pace up and down the pavements, or smoke cigarettes behind cupped hands in knots of twos or threes.
| AC2 chapter 13 . 7/14/2008
Excellent, excellent chapter! How horrific! How bloodthirsty! And how utterly compelling! Daphne being dragged away, possibly to be raped, then Simon shows up, and just when you think he's going to make her problem go away, he makes it worse by dropping two stiffs in her house. I love the way you have her hating him when she ought to thank him, and the reasons for it. Am enjoying this immensely.
Only niggle: use of the word "cottage" to describe the house she lives in. I don't think it fits.
| AC2 chapter 12 . 7/14/2008
Great scene, full of atmosphere and horror as people who believe Simon is dead watch him enter the gallery. Brendan's fear and fury war with Simon's as the wrongdoer and the wronged man clash. It's interesting to see how each of them can claim to have been wronged by the other - though in Brendan's case it's an issue of convenience. Simon has the moral upper hand where Brendan is concerned.
Please think of another word for "black." You're using "ebon" a lot. That's the only niggle.
| AC2 chapter 11 . 7/14/2008
So this is the place where Simon and Daphne collide again. It's well rendered and atmospheric, but the needs a bit of polishing to get it to the stellar level of the rest of the fic. The lyricism works well here, wringing out the emotion of the moment, but the reportage where Daphne speaks to Botha needs a bit of oomph.
When the couple across the way waved and smiled at her from their garden, all she could manage to do was half raise her hand before retreating into the relative safety of her [cottage] house.
She wished [that] she had whisky or wine to calm her nerves.
“I went to the cemetery today. I found his grave. It’s empty.” - I'm not happy about this sentence. It should not have blanched the man to hear these words. Please have Daphne describe what she saw in a way that makes Botha believe Simon clawed his way out of his grave three years after being murdered.
“I’ll see if I can get him to talk to me if I ever see him again, maybe tell us what it’s like on the other side,” but Daphne’s attempt at humour fell flat. Her own laugh sounded forced. “Aw, fuck.”
“I’ll see if I can get him to talk to me if I ever see him again, maybe tell us what it’s like on the other side,” said Daphne, but her attempt at humour fell flat. Her own laugh sounded forced. “Aw, fuck.”
His look of annoyance silenced her. “There’s more to this city than Simon’s little drama. Murder removes people from this city every day. Good evening. Life goes on. We’ll stay in touch.”
Please rewrite the above piece. It's not working.
| AC2 chapter 10 . 7/14/2008
The horrifying violence here is necessary to depict the rage and hunger for revenge that Simon is feeling. I would rate this as M, but it's up to you. It's definitely 18 as far as I am concerned.
It's adult matter in other ways: Simon demonstrates the moral issues at the heart of this story: is this eye for eye, tooth for tooth stuff necessary sometimes? What is the value of human life? Kids can't really grasp this, but you can, and you do it very well. I sympathize with Simon even while I cringe with horror, drinking it in with the same uncertain relish as he does when smearing someone else's blood on his own face.
Niggles: mostly typos:
The razor-sharp glass had parted the skin and something about the blood oozing in a fat red line had prompted Simon to tab two fingertips into it, to painT two horizontal lines over his own eyes, starting in the middle of his forehead and streaked in parallel lines until they reached his cheekbones.
TheN, he smiles, gathers his strength and rushes the door. The wood is old and splinters, the glass pane at the top section falling away with the impact.
“Precisely!” Simon crows, ripping across Willem’s throat with a savage gesture so that when so much meat drops to the oaken floors, the blood seeps with the last pushes of the heart, between the cracks, while air whistles through an opened larynx.
“Precisely!” Simon crows, ripping across Willem’s throat with a savage gesture. Willem drops like so much meat to the oaken floors, the blood seeps between the cracks with the last pushes of the heart while air whistles through an opened larynx.
NiemanD moans, dazed – trying to get up.
"I swear I don’t know where they’re dossing[,]. Woodstock, I think, but since… since…”
“Since I baIled Brendan out here one too many times…” Simon finishes for the man, staring up at the stars.
| AC2 chapter 9 . 7/14/2008
Perfect! Flawless! And very, very creepy. My own stomach sank to my boots while reading this, even though I knew what had happened already. This is your power: to make the reader experience what the protagonist is feeling. Excellent work!
| AC2 chapter 8 . 7/14/2008
The detective element of this story is well thought through. The theft of the bike is explained and the behaviour of Simon at this point is entirely natural, under the circumstances. You have describd his alienation perfectly.
The EvenT Horizon
I must remember why I am going to do all the things that I must [still] do.”
Above him, the stars spin at a dizzying height, the concrete spires pointing accusing fingers at the constellations. - Please clarify - this doesn't make sense, unless the monument has stars as part of its structure.
What's a spaza shop? Please tell us in author notes.