Reviews for Secret Heart
Deyja chapter 4 . 1/6/2010
Okay so I just read chapter four and it's coming along nicely but there are a few things I want to say before my mind wanders off into the vast and endless casm that is this squishy roller chair.

firstly: your chapters are to short, add more detail or dialogue to make this universe real to the reader and

secondly: Be more descriptive in the process of making your character more realistic. Not just in the physical sense but in the making of her personality add personal touches like her favourite saying or music preference. Create an entire world.

I hope you find this useful and not offensive, i really don't mean to offend. otherwise I look forward to more from you:)
chocolatemud chapter 8 . 11/15/2009
i love this story!

will you continue it?

please update soon..
Nightengale'Serenade'93 chapter 8 . 5/9/2009
O.O wow...i love it! update soon please!
Roxxy chapter 8 . 2/28/2009
I’m not going to sugar coat it. Your girl is a mary-sue and the story is inconsistent. This isn’t a flame, I’m just pointing out some things that definitely could be fixed.

MARY-SUE

-She’s related to royalty. Her grandfather is a duke, but the duke from WHERE? She lived in America and we don’t really have dukes…

-Tamaki thinks she’s cute, so now everyone will be her best friend!

-She owns a computer company AND a fashion industry…

- Guys who were previously cowering in fear not want to fuck her…and girls she doesn’t even know are now her OMGBFF!

-She just totally OWNS those girls and they’re so afraid of her, even though they were just talking shit before and the other one just fucking slapped her out of no where.

-This cute, little girl whose got a malicious streak can send several people to the hospital. She’s more powerful than anyone

- I hate love, no I love Kyoya, no I love Julian, no I love Kaoru!

ANGST

-The first paragraph of the story is about how terrible her life is.

-She’s only defending herself but she’s kicked out of school anyhow because people are afraid of her being a rebel

INCONSISTENCY

-Kristy says she sucks at speaking Japanese, though she has fluent conversation throughout the whole story.

-The grandfather is mentioned once, then never again.

- She owns a computer company AND a fashion industry…though she doesn’t do any work.

- Kyoya and Naomi are supposed to be engaged…and how does the Ohtori family know Naomi’s family?

- If she’s rich and sick why aren’t there like…a million servants tending to her every need? And why is she just walking to a drug store if she’s rich?

- Kristy and Julian just fucking up and leave. No mention of it before.

- Before, Naomi had fought with Kyoya to leave his house. After she was kidnapped, she just stays.

- First, they’re scared of her, then they’re her best friends and they lust after her, then they want to kill her.

- What happened to Naomi’s house?

- First, Kyoya’s a raging bitch, then he’s Naomi’s enemy, now he’s all emo and in love, suddenly not afraid to show weakness in front of his friends. And apparently he’s loved her before they even fucking met.

- As a teenager, she owns a computer company and a fashion industry but has all the time in the world. Then, she hates Kyoya but suddenly decides she loves him.

- She’s going to school while living in a hotel in Japan, while she had a house that Kyoya kidnapped her out of.

UNREALISTIC

-She suddenly moves to Japan. People don’t usually say “Hey, I gotta get away from my parents…I know, I’ll move across the world!”

-Naomi could speak Japanese all of a sudden.

-She’s just allowed into Ouran. She would have to pay a huge sum of many and take a lot of tests. The principal just doesn’t look over her files and say “Okay!”

- So…high school students can skip classes? Kristy and Julian just don’t go to school in the morning? And they can suddenly skip school completely to go to Miami…from Japan?

- Sleeping on benches…when you’re so close to you’re house…and you’re rich…WTF?

- Kyoya just HAPPENS to be walking down any ‘ol street in the rain, HAPPENS to find Naomi, kidnaps her, and watches her sleep. And then he steals all her shit from her house and puts it in his house.

- The Ouran girls are bubbly and friendly; you’ve turned them into raging bitches. These are girls of high-class families; they don’t just go around starting fights.

-WTF is Kyoya doing at school if it’s so late? And Kyoya isn’t the type to just…give random people rides. And…WHOA! He takes a girl he only saw once to his house, then holds her against her will. AND THEN she’s invited to live with him! Really?

- She just magically finds her way to Haruhi’s apartment. And then Haruhi just lets her waltz into her apartment without knowing her. Then when Naomi sees her wearing a dress, Haruhi starts waving her arms around and spazzing like a chimp. And on top of all that, Kyoya just materializes at Haruhi’s apartment. I mean, it makes complete sense if you’re arranged fiancé would go to the home of a cross dresser she’s never met, right?

- People don’t usually just up and leave the country

- Naomi, who lives in America, has to go back to a school in JAPAN (even though she doesn’t want to.) and suddenly is all nice and friendly with a guy she hates/loves. And all the people who caused her problems just kind of disappear.

- Kaoru is hitting on her, when he’s madly in love with Haruhi. Then they just…kiss. Not one date yet, and they kiss. Then Kyoya (who HAPPENS to know where she’s staying) just fucking waltzes in.

WTF!

-“There were so many Japanese people, it was crazy. It was like a sea of Asians.” Well, it’s Japan isn’t it? What did you expect to see, Mexicans?

- A high school student owns a computer company AND a fashion industry!

- She totally owns Kyoya. No one owns Kyoya. He is the demon overlord. And she does in front of a crowd.

- Kyoya’s acting VERY ooc. He’s yelling and punching shit.
SnowLilyAngel chapter 8 . 8/30/2008
om plz plz plz update i love this story
XXBlackfireXX chapter 8 . 6/23/2008
Can't wait till the next chapter!
maid in time chapter 7 . 6/11/2008
she returned! YAY! I really liked your story andI hope you update soon! I hope everything with Julian goes well... *cross my fingers* anyway great story! o.O XD
E.M. Megs chapter 7 . 5/21/2008
I can't believe she left... after three days... But she's going back... so I'm ok now :3 But great chapter(s) (Did I review on the last one? I don't know... But I probably meant to... stupid log in issues yesterday messed me all up
E.M. Megs chapter 6 . 5/5/2008
Don't you just writers block? It's like the plague or something only it drives you even more insane than any plague would. I likes it :3 I'm not gonna rush but.. SERIOUSLY HOW COULD YOU LEAVE WITH THAT BIG CLIFFHANGER? D: Seriously you're me here.
TheRecorder chapter 6 . 5/4/2008
whoa! The updates are so fast they're making me dizzy!

So what's the emergency? *is so in suspense*
TheRecorder chapter 5 . 5/4/2008
Mmkay! Yea! Fight, fight!

Kyoya's so chlidish. "Find your own way back." XD
TheRecorder chapter 3 . 4/30/2008
Getting into a car with a guy you don't know, how suspicious! *giggles like the twisted perverted fangirl she is* Especially after all those rumors!

But I like her bad-ass adittude and blantant disregard for acceptable language. I fact, I love it.

'No shit, sherlock', once again, a sign I'm a sucker for alleration. Keep writing, darn it!
TheRecorder chapter 2 . 4/30/2008
Nice! 'She's not a beast!' Haha! that sounds like what they said on my first day of high school!

Except...the reverse. I guess I didn't leave the best impression.

ANYWAYS! I love your disclaimer. Not that it totally seems like me or anything *shifty eyes*

To the next chapter and the Kyoya! Away!
TheRecorder chapter 1 . 4/30/2008
Hey! Why's there only one review? This story's pwns and I've only read the first chapter! It so deserves more reviews! In fact, I'm going to read all the chapters right now!
E.M. Megs chapter 3 . 4/27/2008
psh... of course I'll write a review! How the hell it is that I find the stories of my readers I'll never know but here I am! YAY! She finally met Kyoya! :3 I love the story too by the way X3