|Reviews for Strange New World.|
| IRLost chapter 4 . 10/10/2007
Ok well your story is pretty good but please do some research before you write your next chappie! Read the HP books again so you can remember names(Bill) and how they talk(Harry is really OOC with the talking) and -Kun is for boys if they had become really good friends he would call her Hitomi-chan but since she called him Harry-san that's a sign that they are not really good friends. Stir-fry for breakfast? Ok I know I'm not the all knowing person but stir-fry is not a Japanese breakfast item.
Ok well research and read before your next chapter please. I hope I helped I would like to see you continue this story and get better as you do it!
| Morrigan's Wings chapter 1 . 6/5/2007
Hmm. Sorry to say it, but no matter how many times you say that it isn't a Mary-Sue that doesn't change the fact that it almost certainly IS. However this story, while not particularly good, is not irredeemable. With some tweaking, maybe changing the name and making things a bit more logical, it could become a good story.
| Artemis chapter 1 . 9/22/2005
oh yeah, i can see how horribly you write. it's good that you have the decency to admit that. i just cannot believe you have the nerve to say that this thing isn't a MARY SUE fic!
| Acharnae chapter 2 . 9/11/2005
So, I made it through the first two chapters, and it seems to be mostly:
(1) The Dursleys are evil and show poor manners - nothing new there
(2) Some Original Female Character with special eyes, a special sword and a super-special not-quite french, not-quite Japanese name turns up for no good reason
(3) Harry being introduced to Playstation and Mangas
The Dursleys: well, at least not violently out of character, but not particularly interesting, either.
The OFC: the name doesn't make her interesting, the eyes don't make her interesting, and a totally unrealistic sword doesn't, either. All these scream Mary-Sue, though, or if you insist that it isn't a Mary Sue: it makes the impression that you're not sure how to create an interesting personality, so you use exotic colors/possessions/names in the hope that it would make her interesting. Same for throwing in semi-japanese words - why would she do so when she speaks perfect english? To make herself more interesting? According to your bio you like to annoy people. Peppering english with foreign phrases to show of that one knows four japanese words is a good way to do so. Same for author notes or other remarks in the middle of your story (lol).
Playstation and Manga: Are interesting to play/read, but _not_ interesting to read about.
I think your writing as such is good - next to no spelling mistakes (except the "minuets" where you meant "minutes"), no formatting mistakes, good story telling.
You could try and keep in mind that what works on a tv-screen (exotic hair colors, "quiet, uh, small outfits", ...) doesn't work in a written story. Look at the books you like to read and try to find out what makes them so interesting: good descriptions of surroundings, good plots, secrets, difficult problems that the characters have to solve...
| Black XIII chapter 1 . 9/10/2005
-sigh- Okay, I have to say it: Mary Sue.
I'm not even going to start with "Versialles," but "Kisagragi"? No. Yuffie, frankly, owns your "Kisagragi" (with the name spelled correctly, mind. No extra G). Don't go hitting on my fandoms and taking off with their surnames to add insult to injury.
Your complete disrespect for the Japanese culture just disgusts me. I hate to say it, but it does. Japan is not only about manga, anime, PS2s, etc. It is likely that there are many Japanese people that don't enjoy those things, but your fangirl attitude ignores that.
I can't bring myself to read the other chapters. I giggled here and there (not a compliment), but mostly it was a painful experience. I really wanted to give concrit, but there are just no words.
| kittykatluver chapter 1 . 6/16/2005
Yay! Final Fantasy X! love you!
| Mini-MoonStar chapter 4 . 3/21/2005
interesting... but some parts are being drawn out too long
| Anonymaid chapter 1 . 10/8/2004
Well, there's some stuff that you need to work on. She's a little bit Sueish. And the fangirl Japanese simply has to go. Don't get me wrong, though, keep reading . . .
Not knowing the American High School system that well, I'm guessing you're, what?, 14, 15? Your diction, grammar and general style are a damn sight better than the average 's teenager's. You do, however, need to watch your Americanisms a bit, and research your Englishisms (if thats a word) a bit more - "Bugging", for example, doesn't work. Even "Buggering", which I'm assuming you were aiming at, doesn't sound right and isn't something you'd actually hear. "Sodding" would serve you better. There's one or two bits like that. A British beta would clear that right up.
And, as I said, Hitomi is a bit of a Mary Sue. Kudos for trying, although I'd knock a couple of points off for the 'Lady doth protest too much' denials you've put out. But then again, everybody (whisper it) everybody writes Mary Sues when they start out. Hell, some of the most popular authors out there in the real world /still/ write Mary Sues. You depart from it with time, persistence, and self-realistion. Concentrate on that last one. You'll be fine.
| Lady Shinigami chapter 4 . 10/8/2004
Gran Turismo, Gran Turismo 2, Gran Turismo 3: A-spec, Vanishing Point, Killer Instinct, Halo, Dead or Alive 3, The Legend of Dragoon, Xenogears, Xenosaga, Devil May Cry, Devil May Cry 2, Final Fantasy IX, Final Fantasy X, Castlevania: Lament of Innocence . . .
None of these games sound happy and fluffy to me and aside from Halo and Dead or Alive 3, I OWN all of them BECAUSE they are not pink and Barbie-esque. You can come out from under your rock now; you aren't unique just because you're a girl who plays RPGs and fighting games.
As for Hitomi . . . aside from her given name, none of it sounds the least bit Japanese. Versailles is not only consistently misspelled, but is a French palace, which would make it quite awkward for her to be taken seriously as a Japanese person, I would think. And her last name, according to the sources I have checked, is totally fake. Is it really so hard to look up 'Japanese Names' on a search engine? I'm at a website right now that has hundreds of family names, A to Z, that you could have chosen from.
I think I could overlook that, though. What I CAN'T overlook is the utter CERTAINTY I have that you know little to nothing about how the Japanese refer to each other. Hitomi would NOT call Harry 'Harry-san' as soon as she met him. She would refer to his as 'Potter-san', because the Japanese both introduce themselves and speak to one another using their last name. The only time that this changes is when someone gives the okay to use his or her given name. Otherwise, using a first name or a nickname without permission is a HUGE faux pas (that's French for 'false step', i.e., making an idiot of yourself and offending someone) and is considered to be extremely rude and presumptuous.
Also, having had many Japanese exchange students in school while I was there, I can say with absolute certainty that yes, exchange students WILL have accents. It's not something one has a choice about.
Last, but certainly not least: HITOMI IS A MARY-SUE. I have written plenty of them in my writing career and as a result can spot them a mile away. You aren't fooling anyone who actually pays attention to original characters. And like most authors, the simple fact that you say she isn't one proves that she is. Simply making her Japanese isn't going to save her. She's still in possession of 'Mad Skillz' with swords (katanas?) that she might as well have said were older than time (her great-great-great, etc. GRANDMOTHER? Please.) and she hates the Dursleys and hates Draco and gets sorted into Gryffindor because she WANTS TO BE (the Sorting Hat DOES NOT take requests, even with a 'special' case like a Muggle, who wouldn't be sorted anyway) and makes friends with everyone who counts (Harry and gang) and has 'Mysterious Powerz' that protect her from magic. She's obnoxious and rebellious and gutsy and is molested by drunken men. How can she NOT be a Mary-Sue?
Sorry, I'm not convinced-the only thing I AM convinced of is your immaturity-and I'm annoyed that you think you're so great because you feel you're the only one who plays bloody, violent video games. It's pathetic.
| Black Pearl chapter 1 . 10/8/2004
1.) If you are going to feature a character from a country you obviously know so little about, you may want to do something called RESEARCH.
Go to a library and check out a book on Japan. Watching anime tapes and playing Playstation 2 games (which weren't invented yet according to the HP timeline) doesn't provide enough information.
And just so you know, people from Japan will have an accent when they speak English.
2.) Just because your character isn't American doesn't mean she's not a Mary Sue, and neither does any promise that she won't be doing the nasty with Harry. All that's needed are certain cliches throughout the story. I think they've been pointed out already.
3.) I have a problem with your assumption that girls who don't play Barbie video games are rare in the universe. I play violent video games, racing games, RPGs, and anything else that tickles my fancy. I also like pink. I'm a pink-wearing female gamer. FEAR ME, DAMN IT!
So, what have we learned?
- Research is good for the fan fic
- Nationality alone doesn't define a Mary Sue
- Pink-liking girls play videogames, too
BP the cookie monster
| Kithwynn chapter 4 . 5/10/2004
'Hitomi is not a Mary-Sue,' Falser words were never spoken. I will try not to let my disgust for fangirl japanese bias me here.
'trying to strangle Mr. Weasley's neck.' It would be "strangle Mr. Weasley", I believe; just like it's not really right to say "trying to murder Mr. Weasley's neck." Funky. :} But also please remember that this is supposed to be real people, no? Not a cartoon. Trying to strangle someone gives a person serious injuries, whether the actual strangling is successful or not.
And WHY would the Dursleys take on a foreign exchange student if they didn't like her/want her around? Logic, please.
"[He] almost fell of the bed. Every last member of the American Angels were women! And, by the looks of them, very attractive women too. Under the picture of the American team smiling and waving, some has their robes back revealing quiet, uh, small outfits."
"yeah, you can pick your jaws off the floor, a girl that likes video games in which the main character doesn't wear pink!"
*bristles* Please keep your misogynistic social disorders out of this. For one, I am INCREDIBLY offended at your assertion that most females wear pink and would not touch a video game with a ten-foot pole. Also that Harry finds it totally shocking that this team has only women on it. (You could have used the Harpies, anyway.) And also that it is necessary for women to wear miniskirts under quidditch robes. One would hope professional athletes would have a little more sense.
| Kirjava Deamon chapter 1 . 5/9/2004
Why Final Fantasy? Why? *emo sob* Final Fantasy for a Sue!...please, not Final Fantasy 9!
| someone who speaks REAL Japanese chapter 1 . 5/9/2004
First off, it's a Mary Sue. Second, Versailles or whatever is a city in France, not a French name. Third, the traditional Japanese breakfast consists of rice, tofu, miso soup, and fish, NOT stir-fry chicken. Six foot long, fifty pound swords are used only for decoration. REAL Japanese have black hair and black/brown eyes; Harry Potter is not a manga.
All in all, your fic sucks.
Tell you what, you type " Potter Sue of the Day" into your search engine. Everybody over there is laughing theirs heads off at your crappy fangirl Japanese.
| Emi chapter 2 . 5/8/2004
I won't bother with pointing out the obvious Mary Sue-ness of Hitomi, as it's been said. However:
4) There is more than one way to spell "bakka". It all depends on which dialect of Japanese your speaking, some have the extra k, some don't.
That's so wrong it makes my head hurt. For one, spelling is not used when speaking. Second, Japanese is written in kanji/hiragana/katakana. "Baka" is the romanization of the Japanese word, and therefore "bakka" would be wrong. Yes, it's just a transliteration, and therefore never completely accurate; however, "baka" is the commonly accepted form.
| Shadowfoxsama chapter 4 . 2/22/2004
OMG this is such i good story Kami I love it its about time someone wrote something like this! I offically have made you the light of my day!