|Reviews for Brittle|
| shelter chapter 2 . 6/4/2008
I'll have to apologise for the late review, even though I've been waiting for an update for quite a well.
Some things about this chapter: I felt there was a little too much action, with the reader being constantly moved around, whether it be in Valerie's thoughts, Hazel's plans or the engagement with the yoma. The short scene where the fishing boat came in was a peaceful break, with very nice detail, but I get the feeling I'm always been shuttled from place to place.
Your conception of "regionally stationed" Claymores I guess removes the strange friendliness of all the townspeople greeting Hazel. I'm too used reading fics where the Claymore characters receive open hostility.
In the previous chapter (if I can remrmber correctly) you mentioned Valerie was born in the town. But the effect of returning to familiar surroundings was a bit disappointing; while there was a lot of references to people & places, the raw emotion that I would've expected (nostalgia or sadness or a deep emotional divide?) when a warrior returned to her former town was absent. The hunt for the yoma took on much of the chapter & while it helped us see Hazel's 'other', more senior side, it did obscure Valerie's.
Nonetheless your original trainee idea still holds. Valerie's alienation has quite an effect on the story & I hope that, even while she gains experience, you can continue to emphasize her uncertainty as a Claymore.
| Joyce chapter 2 . 5/29/2008
Short, fast, readable without getting lost. Unlike your Naruto fic, but that's different. :D
| Joyce chapter 1 . 5/29/2008
Great. I'm confused. . . So just Oc's so Clare?
| Kinematics chapter 1 . 5/21/2008
Very interesting little read. Good to see them not overpowered, and using skill and planning. Couple small typos on my first read-through, but can't find them now. Re-reading it, looks like you fixed the ranking mistake as well.
Oddity in chapter 2: "the respect you need" seems to be a peculiar phrasing for something you'd say to another person. "want", or more likely "deserve" seem like better candidates.
Looking forward to more.
| toastbox chapter 2 . 5/21/2008
Love the idea :) Somehow, Valerie reminds me of Clarice. Weak, naive, willing to do good. Would love to see how this story goes!
ps. in chapter 1, Valerie called Hazel no.24, and then the man in black called her no.23. Or did u mean to say between 23 and 25?
pps. more descriptions of the OCs please xD
| hessan chapter 1 . 4/23/2008
I really like this one. It's nice to see someone's vision of the early Organization. Please continue!
| shelter chapter 1 . 4/23/2008
It's good. That's all I'll say.
So what if it contains OCs? I can tell you have experience writing, because despite using 3rd person, your stories are too well aligned to just be a simple narration. And the way you balance your story almost subtly in between Valerie & Hazel is superb.
I like Hazel's character a lot. The way she keeps putting Valerie down, her authoritative take on things (the way she even intimidates her handler Lialm) & her politiking. The repetition of the "don't get involved in politics" theme is really cool. Her character reminds me a lot of Helen, minus the apples & the long arm. I can sense like a double-standard in the way Hazel judges Valerie here, wanting her not to talk, but she herself rambling on and on.
1 possible improvement: I think Valerie is all right as a character, but for a new Claymore she appears to be very self-conscious, very aware of the "politics" in the Organization. It's not a given, but you could bring out more of her naivety by making her more righteous, perhaps? (Like the way Priscilla was before she awakened).