|Reviews for Wraith of the Lorca: Legend of Lyndis|
| PrincessArien chapter 11 . 1/21
The story was a little hard to get into at first due to the heavy prose and flowery descriptions, but you kind of eased up on that as the story went on (either that or I just got used to it), but in any case this story was well worth reading. I really liked seeing Lyndis' whole journey and character development, that was really the best part of this story I think. You did an absolutely fantastic job...I know this story has been finished for quite a while now and looking at your profile I don't see any continuations started, but I do hope that this is something you will eventually return to, because I know I'll certainly read it, the story was awesome and very well written indeed, give yourself a big round of applause and pat on the back. Thank you for taking the time to write this, it was an evening quite well-spent on my part :D
| Nicharveechu chapter 1 . 8/26/2011
Holy crap. This is an awesome story, and it really manages to bring all the characters (including Mark!) to life quite well. I notice the description says 'Book One of Three' and I'm wondering if you'll be doing more.
| Shade the Bat chapter 11 . 12/2/2008
I think we can all agree...
| JapanManiac chapter 11 . 11/10/2008
Heh, will wait on that New Story you're going to make!
| Bien Canonizado chapter 1 . 10/22/2008
Hello! My Name is Bienvenido Canonizado, Canonizado,I'm a visually-disabled (blind) graduate student from the Philippines. Just dropped by to express my admiration for your
writing-style... You are possibly one of the most skilled web-based authors that I have encountered in my time as a fanatic of fantasy/science fiction.
You should really try to finish your stories,specially this particular one that I am reviewing right now.
I am re-posting this review cause my old post was erased when some one hacked my old account.
You know,your writing means very much to me,recently
I just lost my sense of sight;and quite honestly it has been so hard adjusting to a life without being able to pick-up another printed book. Currently,I
depend on my computer to read stories to me on-line,this is with the help of a screen-reading program. And let me tell you,ever since I discovered fan-fiction
I couldn't stop reading your great stories! Please understand,your stories give me the strength to continue... (I'll not dwell on that fact too much.)
I believe your talents are a God-given gift so that you may bring happiness to those who value this particular genre.
So, Please, Please, Please, Please... Do not give up on this story...
My only wish is if you could make your chapters longer,I think the reader would have an easier time if the story were written in a few long chapters,rather than several short parts.
At least each chapter should be 3,0 words long for better continuity.
Easier for us to follow if we did not have to back-track so often because of short chapters. I hope that you will one day decide
to once-again write. Please don't give up...
I hope that you will reply,because it was very hard for me to write this review since I am hoping that you will notice this short letter out of all the others that you get.
Please do not think that I am just spammer,cause I am serious when I make this request.
If you wish to reply, please do not use the reply feature of this website,
instead please kindly send your comments to my e-mail
It is written below with spaces and with the symbols spelled-out to avoid spammers.
(Bienvenido S. Canonizado)
Electronic mail: s e.n e t.p h
"There are more things in heaven and earth Horatio,then are dreamt of in your Philosophy..."
| Derra chapter 11 . 9/1/2008
Sorry for not reviewing the last chapters, but I was off on holydays and till now hadn't had the time to read all that you had updated, sad you finished it before I was back on this.
I really liked this story and the changes you put to the FE chapters, althought you didn't put Rath with the Legion.
This was a really good fic and I'm waiting eagerly for the following one.
| SigmaRai chapter 11 . 8/29/2008
I'm afraid I won't be making this as long a review as the last. I'd said a lot of stuff that accumulated in my head over the first ten chapters and then there's this short chapter and...you know how it goes.
This chapter was...good. It sure made me happy inside, and excited and energetic. I LOVE the fact that Mark does not want to be somebody's pawn, and that Sain was trying to be serious. I'm not sure he succeeded...
Wonderful to know Mark nearly cried. The second scene between Mark and Florina were very well done.
As for what to critique:
1. Here's one thing that made me go "Meh?"
Lyn: “I'm glad that I found you.”
“I am as well.” Hausen smiled.
So was Lyn.
2. Also, a couple of lines later:
Erk and Dorcas stood alongside her and WWE patiently waiting for the decision to move out.
3. Finally, can you please assure me there won't be a love triangle between Lyn and Mark and Florina?
It was a joy to read this story, and I look forward to anything else you can produce. I'm already getting excited for the next part. Don't be too long...unless you have school too. Sigh. School.
'Til the next,arrivederci,
| SigmaRai chapter 10 . 8/29/2008
When first I came across this fanfiction, I was slightly reluctant in reading this, but you have not disappointed me (nor many others, as I can see...). First off, I'd like to say that this is very well-written stuff. Quite engaging, the dialogue is very good, and the characters themselves are fantastic. They THINK for themselves! (insert standing ovation) Also, the way you OWN the plotline and do whatever you wish with it makes me happier than you can imagine (or maybe not-you've got a good imagination).
But you've undoubtedly heard your fans singing your praise enough. :D So I'll try and find things to critique. I'm writing this review as I'm reading, and so far, there isn't much I can critique. I haven't read the reviews you've received, so I apologize if I repeat too much of them. Minor grammatical errors-would you like me to pinpoint them from now on? Send me a PM if you would-I'd be happy to for updates, if you continue this storyline-when I do get the time to read them. School's here, y'know.
Anyway, Mark is wavering near MarySueishness. It would be great if he messed up speaking in one of the other languages and caused a little accident, or just makes a couple of mistakes in general when dealing with people. It's interesting that he's got a whole arsenal of languages, but...the fact that he's got this, and then a wyvern, and then he's a shaman too, and then everything seems to go his way (he hasn't seriously messed up anywhere without getting super-lucky) is pushing it, I think.
Another thing you might want to watch out for is unnecessary emphasis. The only example I can provide right now is this:
The tactician continued with a voice of gentle understanding.
“Florina, I understand that you want to help Lyn"
We (the readers) already know the tactician is gentle with Florina, and good writers portray expression through the dialogue. You're a good writer, and I already said you're good with dialogue, so you don't need to tell us he's using a voice of gentle understanding.
In general, it's just not a good idea to emphasize positive things of the main character more than necessary. (MarySueishness.)
[Edit: He showed Lyn 'a face of understanding'. Maybe just the 'understanding' part could be...tweaked?]
Seeing as I'm suffering through "Anti-Battle Fever" (I just made that up right now), I won't comment much on battles. I think the less of actual battling there is and the more of finding out different ways to accomplish the same goals, the more interesting a story is. I applaud the way you circumvent some of the battles. It makes this story that much more plausible. Pet peeve of mine-describing the action-it is a lot of saying the same thing in different ways, right?
That was an interesting twist at the end. For a moment, when Lyn said, "Mother Earth... I... I...did it..." I thought she'd start grieving that it was all her fault the Lorca died off and she'd go all dramatic and pathetic and naive-thank the gods I was WRONG! I was about to get upset-I got out of my chair and got a drink of water before I read past that. (Silly me.)
Okay...well...I'll be on to the next chapter, shall I? 'Til the next.
Hmm, I wonder how long this review is...
| HeatWave chapter 3 . 8/28/2008
I think I'm going to have to stop reading this here, at least until I've progressed enough in my own story. There are too many ideas that you've used that I bonk myself on the head for not thinking of first. I'm afraid that if I continue before I've written my own version of the corresponding chapters I'll feel too tempted to, *ahem* ...[i]incorporate[/i] some aspects into my own writing, and it will come off feeling much less original and natural than when I had initially penned it.
Of particular note: I love your writing of Sain. A shameless flirt to be sure, but with a hint of seriousness when appropriate. Also, he's not completely clueless, which brings out some character.
Your use of the language issue is very well done. Not many people probably think about that, mostly because no matter what land the characters are from, they're always speaking the language of the game and the region it was ported to... for obvious purposes. You've given the land some real insight, and placed some boundaries between the characters that most writers might miss, which opens up a variety of possibilities, not the least of which you've already taken advantage of. Kudos.
The addition of Mark's pet is also a boon to this story. The way you write him in just goes to show your attention to detail, and your ability as a writer.
Once again you focus more on characters than events, and despite your departure from the story cannon, you still pull it off. You make the story more your own than that of the game everyone is familiar with, and I applaud you for it.
But once again, I think I'll have to stop here until I've got more written myself. A pity for sure, but the temptation may be too great. I'm only disappointed that I wasn't reading this while it was still being written.
| HeatWave chapter 2 . 8/27/2008
I've only read the first two chapter thus far, but I like this story. It's clear to see that you enjoy writing, but you take it seriously as well.
Looking back over my own version I've notice you incorporated several ideas before I did, which I'm kinda sad to see (mostly cause it might make me look like a hash), but inasmuch as this story has been overdone (as you yourself pointed out) I guess it's difficult to come out with some original content.
You however, have done so nicely. You seem to focus more on characters than events (at least thus far) and you make it work. Your deviation from the game is understandable, but once again you make it work, and work it does, nicely.
I'll have to finish this... but if things continue the way I'm seeing them, I might have to rewrite a bit of my own. Curse you! But all in good fun.
| 1472278 chapter 11 . 8/27/2008
And so it ends. Kudos for sticking all the way through!
I’m surprised at how close Mark has grown to Lyn and Florina (of all people) that he gets to the point of tears. As others have said before, it’s great to see the tactician character portrayed as having feelings and just being human. You’re very good at giving some meaningful depth to all these characters, and it made reading this story all the more enjoyable.
I also liked how you wrapped the story up with Mark finishing his tome and it’s cool that you’re making him stay in Caelin. I will be looking forward to your sequels. And once again, congrats for a job well done!
| Xirysa chapter 11 . 8/25/2008
Alright. Sorry once again for not being able to review earlier, since I was out of the house all day yesterday. And whoa... No journal entry before the actual story? Very intriguing, I must say.
I think I've said this before, but I'm a huge fan of Romeo and his "squarbles".
AND SO THE PLOT THICKENS.
[Serra packed up her Restore and Healing Staves, wished her companions well in typical banshee and untactful fashion (“Hope he doesn't die on you!”). And then left the room.] Bwahahah, Serra. You're amazing. Loved these sentences, but something's bugging me about it. Perhaps smush them together into one?
[“I am too. There's so much we have... to talk about, to learn about each other. I'm glad that I found you.”
“I am as well.” Hausen smiled.
So was Lyn.] So much fluff for a 'fic that is written in such a non-fluffy (but amazing!) POV. But... It's a bit repetitive. Maybe you were trying to say that she smiled too? In that case, maybe "So did Lyn"?
[...that annoying squawk-box that passed itself off as a wyvern.] Honestly... I love Romeo. I love Serra. And her description of aforementioned wyvern.
[...take the Ostia.] "Take them to Ostia." Just a small typo, though. No worries.
[He had originally allowed Lyn to join him out of pity (contrary to what many seemed to believe, he had not allowed her to come because he was infatuated with her- he was almost ten years older than her for Elimine's sake!).] I'm hoping this sentence is open to interpretation, because honestly? I can't stand LynxTactician pairings. Except the friendship ones, of course. But then... They're really not pairings, are they? Alright, I'm rambling again...
But Mark being selfish? That's only human.
[“I... I merely did... what anyone would do.” Florina hesitated over her reply. What was she supposed to say? What was anyone supposed to say in this situation? “I-I couldn't let Ly- er, the Lady Lyndis down. She desired to see you, and I did what I needed to to insure that that would happen.”] Alright-I'll acknowledge the fact that Florina stumbled a bit over her words. But honestly, I really liked the fact that she said this bit with what I thought was confidence (or something very close to it).
[The tactician closed his eyes to hide the tears and tried to take refuge in his temporary blindness.] An emotional Mark... This just shows that our (wonderful) tactician is human too. Not some freaking prodigy who's amazing at whatever weapon is at hand. Just... Wow.
And... Now it's done. Can't believe it. Really, I can't. But I'm looking forward for the next installments of FE7. C: Manna's really helpful, isn't she? She actually helped me a lot when I first came to the FE section, and my writing's improved a lot thanks to her. She even got me hooked to a new fandom, though I still lurk in the FE 'fics from time to time.
Well... Now that this (epic) part is finished... I would like to give major kudos to you, the author, for brilliantly portraying the characters of FE7 in a new, but accurate, light. With an amazing tactician who isn't a [censored censored censored].
I'm eagerly awaiting Eliwood's tale! Or Hectors, whichever you decide to do.
And once again, congratulations!
| Nightgazer333 chapter 11 . 8/24/2008
But if Mark stays there, how will he run accross Eliwood later for the rest of the story that comes from the game?
| Kitten Kisses chapter 11 . 8/24/2008
Wow. Well, it's hard to believe Wraith is over already. I mean, it feels like you just started it! Well, I'm ready to get to reviewin'. D
[“Hopefully it will be... hopefully it will be.] You're just missing a set of quotation marks.
I liked the first part with Mark and Florina. Florina's such a great character, but unfortunately she doesn't get much attention from writers, and I'm ashamed to admit that this holds true for me as well. I like that she's still rather shy, but that she also seems a bit more...out there. Forward, perhaps? That's always a nice thing, I think.
[Serra packed up her Restore and Healing Staves, wished her companions well in typical banshee and untactful fashion (“Hope he doesn't die on you!”). And then left the room.]
M, something seems off about this sentence. Perhaps...
[Serra packed up her Restore and Healing Staves, wished her companions well in her typical banshee and rather untactful fashion- "Hope he doesn't die on you!"- and then left the room.]
Of course, that could just be me. It's a suggestion. )
[Lyn watched the healer go and then closed the door after her. She then turned] The word "then" is here twice awfully close. you could try having your second sentence start with, "She turned" instead of "She then turned".
[But quite frankly, Lyn was also a touch hesitant about talking to her grandfather. The two were related, but complete strangers to each other. They had a brand new relationship to build... how were they to go about doing so? They came from different worlds with different viewpoints; was there even a foundation that they could build upon?] I really like these lines. They're just perfect to describe Hausen and Lyndis's relationship in the beginning. After all, she's eager to meet the only family she has left- family has been her entire life for many years- but she'd have no idea about how to build a relationship with someone she's related to but doesn't know. It'd imagine it'd be quite awkward for her.
[alongside her and wwe patiently] "were", hehe. Just a typo.
[I'm sure that they'll be something that you can do to repay us sometime in the future.] I think you meant "There'll be" instead of "they'll be", since 'there will be' something they can do, not 'they will be' something they can do. I think?
Interesting bit with the offer Lyndis proposed to Mark through Sain. I really like that you were able to make Mark seem realistic there. He's at a crossroads, and not only do you say it, but you show it through his actions. So great work, there. And of course Sain would be surprised! What man in their right mind would turn down such good work?
[“But you... alright.] "all right"
Nice job with that last ending piece. I like how you have some bits of first-person POV in your 'fic. It was one of my favorite parts. I used a similar idea for a 'fic I'm working on (unfortunately not one for Fire Emblem...) but I thought you should know you were inspiring- at least, a little bit. D
Anyway, the ending piece sounds interesting... A nice end to this 'fic, and it shows how much time has actually gone by since he's actually fought against Lundgren.
I'll admit- I think this 'fic is the most successful novelization I've ever seen. You get kudos for sticking with it until the end. You used description, but not too much (like I tend to do), you have characters, but you don't focus on just one- but you don't try focusing on every single one of them, either.
It's understandable (about ego), and unfortunately it happens to the best of us. I'll admit, I've had my own episodes of an inflated ego, but luckily for me that happened a long time ago. In other words, you're forgiven, though you've never snapped at me (that I remember).
You're very welcome. You didn't have to thank me publically, but I am flattered. I must apologize, though, for my lack of insightful reviews towards the end of your 'fic. I love reviewing almost as much as reading (and more than writing), and I think it might have to do with the fact that I hardly write for the Fire Emblem fandom, now. But I still feel a bit guilty that my reviews weren't/aren't as good now as they were.
Hopefully for the sequel, I'll be able to give you some good reviews. (Speaking of that, I hope to see the side-story and sequel up very soon!)
Keep up the wonderful work!
| IVIaedhros chapter 11 . 8/24/2008
Congrats on the conclusion of you're most successful story. I didn't know about the drama behind the story, but I'm always impressed when someone is willing to man up to their mistakes, which unfortunately, we all make. I look forward to seeing anything else in the FE universe you might write in the future.