|Reviews for White Rain|
| Destrark chapter 4 . 6/14
Mmm. Annoyed at some bits. But they're pretty much stuff that got established past the point this story was written. Something sticks out though. That bit with Ino saying she wouldn't be able to lift the basket of food like Chouji could? That's ridiculous. She's strong enough to fight a Zombie Asuma in taijutsu after all.
| meilin chapter 27 . 4/29
Someone must've hurt Aquarius real bad... why are they so pressed? Tf? The people on this site are so toxic and willing to write a goddamn research paper in order to shit on people's hard work and talent with a few flowery sentences and SAT vocab words. Let it go, y'all are just pressed with nothing else to do with your lives.
| yo1999 chapter 27 . 3/5
i just discovered this story and i absolutely love it and you writing style
| Magda chapter 27 . 2/26
Hey, I absolutely adored this story... I found it on a sleepless night and read it in one sitting, you're an amazing writer and I love your work! xoxo
| Dastan Go chapter 1 . 2/11
I was going to comment on something I had written down, but missed in my review (had to reread it again), and, lo and behold, someone emotionally hurt enough to question and attack another’s criticism with such a puerile disposition so fitting of this fandom. Perhaps, it should have occurred to the ‘hurt’ individual that the aspects I did highlight did not work as they were intended to? You know, the insertion of western mores into an eastern culture and the lack of craft to meld them together to present something coherent and plausible for a decent social commentary? I even stated so explicitly. Reading comprehension is a terrible issue here, it seems. The author can read this as well, as it concerns her lack of grasp of basic manga-characterizations quite intimately. Maybe, I was not thorough enough. So, here it goes.
Ah, the dreaded 'pairing-defense-force' start of an insipid argument and the cast of the shadow of a bleeding ‘Romantic’ on such a reserved, introverted and cold individual. Did you actually read that Sasuke in Gaiden is aloof and cold enough to disregard the entirety of your ‘desperate’ attempts at undermining canon characterization where he has seldom ‘over-shared’ or given more ‘room’ to anyone to tread into his personal life (before that, he was explicitly defensive of his personal boundaries)? He claimed so before Naruto at Orochimaru’s hideout. Can you name one incident of canon-Sasuke (any Godforsaken version) divulging the intimate details of his personal life before anyone or allowing anyone to interfere in his life in this manner? Any version would do. He is also thirty-two years old there, older than the version presented here. So, these silly claims about 'how people grow' and the related hodge-podge of idiocy is nothing more than your version of characters.
How about his complete absence for a span of more than a decade despite possessing an ability that allows him to visit dimensions (yes, different dimensions) at the cost of a mild cool-down – he was on the outskirts of Konoha when Sarada found him and still he didn’t go home? In the movie, he went to Naruto first, then spent the night in the forest, then met his daughter ... his attitude remained the same; indifferent and disinterested. I love the ‘over-reading’ done by the loopy fanbase here. When there is literally no excuse for him to not make a few trips to his supposed 'beloved (whom he has given insane leeway in this fiction; he hardly even talks to her in the manga and beyond)' even once a week, let alone years. But, I am sure you will have a laughable and imbecilic comeback for this one as well, crafted out of hours upon hours of staring at red circles and arrows drawn over manga pages to make sense of appalling and unintelligent arguments by those dreadful and ruefully stupid Tumblr whelps.
I can also assume that your hilariously self-made, joke of a perspective might have missed the canon novelization of Boruto: The Movie or the Databook released with the movie that claim that he left again after defeating Kinshiki and Momoshiki? But, yes. The fault lies with an objective observer who said nothing about the pairing in this story itself being an issue, but rather, how poorly it was handled and presented. And how tone-deaf it was if contrasted with canon material. Should I attack your fumbles with comprehension again? That ironic use of 'malarkey' was a nice touch, though. Now, why did I include Gaiden when this work was completed before it? To show the author (and you) that Sasuke has remained consistent when it comes to his core personality traits. At best, he appreciates Sakura's love. Even that is a moot argument. But, feel free to bleat along with the herd. No one is going to stop you.
Have you ever, perhaps, touched any anthropological book on marriages? It doesn’t seem that way as SS, for all intents and purposes, is a marriage of convenience for an heir. The kind the Heian period promoted. And, shockingly, Kishimoto’s work is rooted in Japanese history. But, alas, marriage cannot survive without romance where you reside, hence the reason why the author received such a harsh criticism; her desperation to fix, fix and fix things through her skewed western perspective in an offensive attempt to apply brush strokes of ‘cultural supremacy’ over her material were reprehensible. Maybe, it slipped your notice, but it didn’t slip mine.
So, the vehement claims about ‘what I do not understand’ about characters can be pointed at yourself, who probably has read a few summaries from Narutopedia rather than actually investing her scattered attention on what the material (for 12-year-old, whippersnappers at that; wow, reading manga is too hard) itself presents. Hasn't read a word on Japanese culture and how it's a 'culture of shame' rather than a 'culture of fear' western ideologies work on. It’s all right. It’s not entirely your fault. You belong from such an abhorrent fanbase that the responses and attacks come out like the automatic reactions of a windup toy; they are predictable and silly. Because, if you were mature enough, you could have taken this to PMs rather than opening a venue for more 'assholes' to slip through. Good job! Anyhow, I am absolutely disgusted with myself that I have even replied to this person, when I never do. Oh well, minor indulgences are all right and I do believe an 'in-depth' dismantling of the caricatural romance was in order. The author can take cues if she feels like it.
That aside, the point I forgot to add in this second ‘reserved review’ was about the money trail. How exactly did the money find its way through the channels from the ‘grand’ western nations to the 'fabled' Japanese lands? That is something you have never explained in a way that would lend credence to your ‘economic’ factors highlighted through the Houses. It doesn’t even seem that you have done any research on this and just went with this on a whim. You should have done some research on money-trails, money laundering and white collar crimes to add depth to your narrative. Yet, you did none of that. It all comes across as highly superficial and unconvincing as a result as a few bits of remarks in haphazard dialogues are not enough to shoulder the entire framework of your tale, which is why is falls apart by the tenth chapter beyond repair.
Last but not least, you have a lot of potential. As a professional writer, I would advise you to not take up the task of writing too many characters. You appear to lack the skill to create round ones when your narrative scheme is supposed to be based on the plots where the characters are meant to drive it. Had it been the other, plot-driven, narrative-scheme, then caricatures like Sakura, Rina and Lucia etc. would have sufficed. Charles Dickens’ works are littered with them. I cannot see how anyone else cannot work with the material. Choose the narrative that fits the plot, as at the end of the day, without the proper blending of story and plot, your narrative will always look halfhearted and messy.
| Amanthya chapter 1 . 2/11
P.S. Ignore Aquarius. Any helpful criticism is buried under pretentious malarkey that entirely misses the point of your story - the deliberate mixing of two different land's cultures, regardless of canon being a Japanese-inspired setting - and the changes people undergo both from age and experience, and unforeseen events (among other things).
A's complete lack of understanding of why Sasuke would let Sakura influence so much of his life is a fine example of their dismissal of canon and the inability to understand the way human beings make allowances for those we love that enables them to influence us in ways others may disagree with.
One doesn't have to personally like Sakura to accept that a) they are a canon-established couple b) they are together in this fic, nothing readers can do about it and c) we don't have to feel about Sakura as Sasuke does-we only have to believe he does as seen by behavior that consistently displays his feelings about her.
You set this fic in a universe that accepts canon couples. You show characters engaging in behavior that displays their feelings, which remain consistent even when they don't know what to do about the other person's actions. You did your job as an author.
I wish you luck on your original endeavors. I think you will do well.
| Amanthya chapter 27 . 2/10
I resisted this story for so long; afraid of the melodrama I was certain it contained. Finally, the curiosity got me, and I clicked on it.
I didn't stop reading it every second I could until I finished it.
This is a wonderful fic. I don't even like Sasuke or really know Itachi, but you have made them real. You made me feel Sasuke's pain, Itachi (jr)'s confused longing, Lucia's wariness, Rina's depth of emotion (despite not naturally feeling as she does as a deeply emotional artist). You made me fraught over Sakura's struggle. Smile at Hinata's faith, grin at Ino and Chouji's welcome (and believe in the pairing in a way I never did before). Enjoy the brief but deep appearances of minor characters as they add to the richness of this fic-verse. You made me understand the points of view of characters who don't think like me, and respect choices I wouldn't have thought to make. You had the decency to add complexity where other authors would lazily ignore things like Rina and Gerard's lingering affection or Lucia's complicated relationship with pain (realism).
But what I loved most was this: you made Naruto a credible Hokage who remained true to himself in a changing world. You made Itachi a lead I could like and believe in, even when it was Rina who inherited the spirit of her father (which you cleverly hid until the end). And you, in giving Sasuke both a family and the freedom to embrace it, gave me an incredible peace to my heart that canon failed to deliver on.
I have little love for Sasuke, and think little on Sakura. But Naruto loves them, and Hinata follows his lead, and I do love them. Naturally their happiness is not complete when the other parts of the team 7-trio remain in pain. I never realized how much Sasuke and Sakura being happy would let me believe in my actual favorite couple's happiness.
I feel like I'm gushing over-long in this chapteresque review. But this will likely be my only in depth comment on your story. So I wanted to show that I was paying attention, and convey my deep gratitude for sharing with us here on ffdotnet.
Thank you: this story is a masterpiece.
| Amanthya chapter 9 . 2/8
I like the way you handled the team test and formation. The reasoning behind their actions was believable from what we saw of the characters previously. I also like that Itachi isn't a typical chip-on-his-shoulder spitfire Gary Stu. I like him. Rina, too.
| Dastan Go chapter 14 . 2/8
Contd: I would venture the same thing about your forgettable plot that never grasps the aspects it was supposedly built on.
| Dastan Go chapter 15 . 2/8
The story piqued my curiosity as it focused on original characters. The first impression of your story is awful, really. Despite your claims, you have shown the exact same pitfalls of going for safe clichés and tropes that litter this godforsaken site. I have seen literally nothing new in these fifteen chapters I have gone through in two sittings. In fact, the feeling I got was of 'things' mundanely familiar.
The contrasts between the Gehard's two lives seemed here for mere shock value to jolt the reader into a stance that, "look, that guy is a bad man!" It was caricatural. The abuse scene was comical with the jealous husband vibes and all the juicy ingredients of mistresses, gambling etc. along with the clichéd "evil husband" lines and mannerisms. I swear it, I saw the vase scene and I knew what was going to happen. That is how predictable the start of your tale is. And, it barely ever picks itself up beyond this predictable material. In fact, it never does.
Lucia is no different than female Itachi or a counterpart you thought could be made for him. She's every bit of a Sue you promised not to make out of her. She's this impossibly beautiful woman, 'made from fine oils' and contrasted in a lackluster manner with cold moods and unmatched cunning where she can 'see through facades'. I mean, you go as far to claim that she's 'good at lying'. No, I am not pulling these out of my pocket. That is how you described her. None of her flaws are truly flaws.
Your canon characters are mostly a mess. In Team 7, Sasuke is too accommodating of Naruto. It is well out of character for any version of Sasuke. He reveals his entire conversation with Lucia so easily and shared his brother's final moments with them, and repeatedly like an oversensitive, touchy-feely guy with Naruto when he never did in the manga. He is too detached from canon. And frankly, your justifications about interpretations just don't cut it. This isn't Paradise Lost that needs to be heavily scrutinized; it's Naruto that has a lower ceiling for 12 year olds to grasp. I find it odd how authors wrap their self-created personae behind the veil of 'interpretations' for such a flimsy manga work.
Naruto and Sakura were as naïve and idiotic as they always have been. What I disliked the most about Sasuke is your forced Romance. You practically shoved it down his throat violently by forgetting everything that was happening in canon. Stating that, "I am going to ignore the manga," is a terrible copout and an admission that you didn't grasp the canon nuances and did your own thing.
SS is as forced as it is in countless headcanons here. Sasuke feeling guilt over anything related to Sakura is fan-fueled absurdity. It has no place in the manga. He said, "I love you" to her (and thinks about it) countless times in your story like a love-sick Romantic that it became sickening. The only time Sasuke ever stated anything like that was when he said he 'adored' Itachi. The same brother around whom his entire existence revolved. Why is Sakura so special?
Your statement about 'maturity's' association with Romantic relationships through Sakura was baffling. Is the sphere of maturity too small, too tiny to fit self-fulfilling ideologies or love for family towards which Sasuke showed immense maturity and understanding? Honestly, that part was just offensive.
Why had Sasuke given her undeserved right to interfere in his personal life? Then you introduced this soap-opera trope and sloppy obstacles so typical of Sakura fandom: he doesn't want a child and is having nightmares and Sakura draws him out of them to satisfy a tried gimmick.
Itachi is possibly the only character in your story that is bearable. One can see a lot of realistic aspects there: his desire to connect with a father figure as his own is dead, his determination to impress him and the shame and anger that come with setbacks. He tries his best to create a bond, reminiscing about the past, thinking about what his father was like and seeing his own father in Sasuke. Sasuke's internal struggles with the ghosts of his past were fairly human. In fact, Sasuke was at his best when Sakura was not shoved into his life to abide by embarrassing SS clichés.
Was that enough to salvage your story? Just barely. Your first issue arises with how you struggled to incorporate western outlook and erroneously inserted it into Naruto: a Japanese work. The names alone sound silly enough. Itachi tells us that he had heard 'stories' of ninjas, making them fables for that world. Then, suddenly, we are made to believe in later chapters that powerful families hired ninjas for murders and covert operations? There was a clear disconnect between what you introduced and how you decided to clarify it.
This can be seen in all levels. At family level, you have this odd idea about custody battles, when in Japan, only one parent gets the custody. Shared custody is an unheard of concept there bar a few, rare cases. How did the Villages decide to accept the requests of such a client that so clashes with their ethos is just beyond me. Your unnecessary titbits about Sochio not spending time with his daughter, despite the Boruto Movie going for a western spin, drew you so far away from canon manga source. Learn to work with the material you have been given without forcing your own 'fixing' additions onto it. And your story is plagued by this 'fixing' concept this fandom just adores, where you fix things here and there, especially with Sasuke, that it become boring too fast and too soon.
Your commentary on Capitalism and downsizing villages was very sloppy. You never came through with a reasonable explanation to make me believe the 'economic wizardry' Lucia supposedly worked with, nor is the idea of a 'mercenary force' any more ghastly than creating large armies to slaughter on mass scale. The reasoning, your reasoning, through Naruto was ludicrous.
The whole Alstynes fiasco is possibly the most comical part of your story. Kakashi investigating by having his forehead protector in plain sight was ridiculous as it was; everyone just pouring stuff onto him felt even more tone-deaf. We are led to believe constantly about how the money was made, but the 'how' is absurd. The money trail that somehow ended up at Akatsuki, Van Alstynes' and their supposed war funding in a fabled shinobi land was even more unconvincing than your take on masochism.
Cecile's confessions before Kakashi about the money were hilariously terrible. The reasons for manipulations and money hoarding are never explained properly. And the rising conflict between Grass and Konoha over Gehard and Lucia and the 'oh, so much money' are as convincing as your Romance. Lucia's explanation of the reasons she had a child with Itachi were just plain laughable. Itachi trusting her is even so. So, she's didn't know 'exactly' why he was in the bingo book? Good grief!
Not to mention her past. She didn't desire to marry the brute and her mother killed herself or was killed by Shinobis; typical, weepy, Mary-sue drama; the reason for her masochistic streak. If SS wasn't abhorrent enough, you went as far to suggest 'true love' borne of sadomasochism and only after a handful of meetings. It shocked me. Is it a western culture thing where love happens at the drop of a hat?
And that's not the only issue with your writing. Unnecessary exposition is everywhere. The pacing is almost terrible through more than half of every single chapter. Scenes are cut abruptly and then the next scene is squeezed in, only to go back to the previous one that you abruptly stopped. This isn't a movie. You are writing a coherent scene. Making it this disjointed without visual cues is what made your story suffer.
The plot is built on a flimsy premise of money and masochism and you never manage to delve into either one to present anything substantial. Capitalism and commentary on social structures are just forcefully inserted. Your chapters are filled to the brim with redundant, mundane and pointless scenes that they can be easily edited to half the length. They seem to go on and on and there is no end to the banality of it as it becomes exhausting to keep up. Albeit, your story is safe from juvenile handling of tenses and syntax, it isn't safe from punctuation errors and abrupt sentences and jarring, one-word paragraphs.
Your writing touch is feminine, too feminine, perhaps. It's ill-suited for this sort of narratives, and it shows. Glaringly so. You just cannot seem to help yourself from stuffing in romance into nearly everything that just became off-putting by the tenth chapter. Itachi's romance and his father's sob-story love with a masochistic woman were outrageously amusing. Your canon manga knowledge is quite poor: the information on Sharingan's development through greed and hate and whatnot, along with chakra reserves were practically made up. And these are just a few mistakes I encountered in the first fifteen chapters, there were many more concerning Genjutsu and Uchiha history that I don't have the patience to list.
There was only one line in your entire story that I actually thought was well-written that Itachi's Akatsuki cloak was 'cast aside like a personality'. That is not the only thing he cast aside in your story. However, his snippets thrown to the readers like a bone so that they should struggle and power through puerility displayed by Sakura's antics and other silly shenanigans weren't enough to keep me interested.
The premise of your story was admittedly decent, but it slipped down the same path of clichéd familiarity that SS fandom is so known for. Your desperate desire to keep Sakura relevant through a child she desires and an out of character take on Sasuke was far too easy to see. So much so, that you forgot to work on the aspects your story actually stood on. For instance, White Rain was mentioned once in fifteen chapters and forgotten; I would venture the same thing about your forgettable plot that
| Jily71102 chapter 27 . 12/4/2016
I read your whole story, and I love it! It is very professional, and similar to a real novel! I'm going to check out a few of your other fanfics as well! I am sad to hear this is your last fanfic, but I will look out for so novels in the real world!
| gardenofmanypaths chapter 25 . 11/8/2016
The moment a non ninja came close to physically threatening a ninja, like Marnix, this story lost plausibility. All academy students are superhuman. All Genin are extremely superhuman: move faster than civilians can see, take massive blows, etc. You are completely low balling ninja in this story for the sake of plot.
| gardenofmanypaths chapter 24 . 11/8/2016
Literally anyone above an academy student can jump a 10 foot gap. Have you watched the anime or read the manga?
Naruto as a an academy student jumps 10 feet high in a vertical jump to get over a fence. Sasuke jumps like 20 feet in Wave arc.
| AnneNoir chapter 27 . 10/30/2016
it was a wonderful adventure. I thank you for it!
You are a gifted writer, and I'm sure your original works will be successful. If you can lead me to it, I'll be more than wiling to bought a copy!
I was in love with Rina and Itachi from the very beginning, and I learned to love Lucia as well.
The Sasusaku was real, angsty, but lovely and satisfactory till the end. Naruto, and the rest of the rocky nine were awfully well developed.
I'm a shipper of the Rina/Yukio pairing, and I really want to read something more about them! If that original work exist, refer me to it, I beg you!
The background of the story was marvelous, complex and absolutely enthralling. I thank you again for this wonderful trip, I feel nostalgic already, but fulfilled and happy of have experienced it.
I hope to hear more of you, through fanfiction or original works!
| loveitasakuxx chapter 27 . 8/20/2016
M not fond of itaxoc.. But this was just.. Wow. Literally wow.. I laughed, i cried, i njoyd this to the core.
Write more. Ur way of writing is beautiful. Dont stop it.