|Reviews for Inheritors|
| Guest chapter 9 . 1/17/2014
Dialogue is not written as "Hello," she said or "Hello!" she said, always "Hello." She said or "Hello." she said or "Hello," She said or "Hello" she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence does contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello dumbbitch." farla grinned like an idiot, never "Hello," she grinned or "Hello," She grinned. Note that something is a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is not in any category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," she said. "This is it." not "Hi," she said, "this is it." or "Hi," she said "this is it." or "Hi," she said "This is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," she said, "is it." Also, remember that generally "said" is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, "stated" is no*** yada yada yada. this is what you call a review, you fuckking cunt?
t'not isn't a word. you did not captialize Nidorino, did you never played the pokemon games?
| DuplexBeGreat chapter 9 . 1/15/2014
Part of the Chapter Review Exchange. I am an aspiring fanfiction writer with one chapter of one story currently published, and was hoping the great Farla could take a look at it.
I had already read this fic in its entirety before now, so because of the CRE I've now read it through 4 times completely, and I'm more impressed each time. The series raises lots of interesting ideas, such as the hyper-intelligent Psychics like Alakazam, what it means to be a trainer, and the morals behind capturing weak wild Pokémon to raise.
I love your interpretation of the "speech" of unintelligent wild Pokémon. The grammar, or, rather, lack of correct grammar, conveys exactly the sort of one-sidedness that realistically should come from a wild animal.
The mysteries behind the original Mewtwo add a nice subplot, in that the reader isn't told everything about the world and is shown that the characters believe their world to be normal- which, of course, for their time, it is. This theme questions the definition of "person", and is reinforced by your intentionally confusing uses of that word, as well as the encounter with an Alakazam. I've always wondered why they aren't more dominant in the main Pokémon world.
I'm trying to find something in this to criticize, to make this seem like a serious review as per the CRE and not just a praise of the Great Farla, but honestly I can't think of anything. The black Pokéballs, perhaps? If those are meant to be the same as in the anime movie, it's slightly questionable if that really works, given the game canon you seem to be using for the rest of the story.
Overall, this gets a 95/100, due to the fact that it's been years since you've updated it. I hope this review was up to standards enough to earn me a review in turn.
| Aardvark123 chapter 3 . 11/17/2013
Deus is a Kadabra, I think.
| 98penguin chapter 9 . 7/23/2013
I really quite enjoy this story! It did take me 9 chapters and a stroll through the reviews to fully grasp the idea that Deus was part of a Mewtwo civilization though. I think that the story might be better if you mentioned the name of his ancestor as Mewtwo. You have already introduced her as an important figure in their history, it wouldn't disrupt the flow or seem out of place if you casually mentioned the pre-people's name for her. That would make the world less confusing, and more accessible to other readers. Even if you worked it in during a late chapter, like, say, Chapter 10? :D
(It said something that was not fascist but would certainly, after a great deal of intellectual and political advancement on its part, have formed the root of that word, and quite possibly a related swear.) This made me laugh a lot. I still smile when I read it.
Also. Nitpicky grammar correction from another chapter:
( Deus woke more smoothly in the morning, fed the vulpix again, retrieved his sand, and left for Pallet. )
If you were going to shorten "sandshrew" to something, it would make more sense to shorten it to "shrew" instead of "sand", because shrew describes the pokemon better than sand. Just as if you were going to shorten turtledove in a description, you would shorten it to dove, not turtle, because that wouldn't make any sense unless it was a nickname.
Please update! I like following along with Deus' pokemon's growth, their distinct personalities have made me rather attached to them. Also, this world is very intriguing, and I will never be able to see more of it without you!
| LittleSpringroll chapter 2 . 7/21/2013
This is getting really interesting!
I really love the part when he thinks, 'as if it couldn't fathom how this had happened.
A relatively good description, as of course it couldn't. It was a sandshrew.'
This is pretty good and funny. I think I liked reading this chapter more than the previous one. It was nice to read the battles.
I just realized... I said feathers when I meant fur. So I'm thinking he's an Abra or Kadabra, but neither of them learn healing moves, so then again, I'm not sure.
| LittleSpringroll chapter 1 . 7/19/2013
Wow, wonderful start. I was going to read the whole thing before reviewing, but I had a couple things to say. I like the descriptions and you do a good job not overusing any words. So far, the story sounds really mysterious! It's interesting, although it's a bit confusing.
For constructive criticism... I think the story would flow a bit better if Deus' speech was more normal. For instance, he said, "I am not that hungry today." I think since he's impatient, he might say, "I'm not that hungry today." instead, or maybe even just "I'm not hungry."
Another time, you wrote, "I am not impatient," he protested instantly. "I just want to go. When are we leaving then?"
Maybe Pokémon speak differently, but I think he might say, "I'm not impatient! I just wanna go! When are we leaving?"
There were a few places where you used a passive voice, but I think it fit when you used it.
I'm really looking forward to learning what sort of Pokémon Deus is. Let's see, he has feathers and a tail and eats fish and can teleport. I don't know yet, but he sounds like a psychic type, since you keep writing about his mind...
Part of the Chapter Review Exchange.
| harukkari chapter 1 . 7/11/2013
Part of the Chapter Review Exchange.
"He pushed his body upright as his mind stretched out, shaking and fluffing itself out like a fledgling chick, the feathery edges of his thoughts brushing against the round, self-contained walls of Dama's mind below and leftward."
Since it talks about his mind and thoughts, and how he can brush against others' minds, he might be a psychic Pokemon. That's just my guess. I can tell you're a skilled writer, because your descriptions and sentences are all so detailed. You use a lot of imagery too, and that makes the story much more intriguing. If you used a cliffhanger at the end, though, that would draw people into the next chapter more.
Some parts of the chapter were rather vague, and I didn't realize what was going on until later, but that might have been your intention. But all in all, I thought the first chapter was interesting, and it presents you with a character shrouded in mysteries, which makes me eager to read more.
| 3774473974937497 chapter 1 . 6/29/2013
I loved this! This was just amazing! Very descriptive and will get readers to keep reading! I hope you keep up the good work!
| Vryheid chapter 1 . 5/3/2013
After the author decided to insult me and generally be an asshat through the PM system, and proclaimed that I was oblivious to the plot for not coming to the conclusion that the main character was a Mewtwo, I've decided to give the story a second look. Since Farla apparently is far too well informed to actually pay attention to the TVTropes article I linked regarding why I thought responding like that was a terrible approach, I'll reiterate publicly why I think the conclusion that I simply "didn't understand the plot" is a load of crap:
I DO NOT CARE WHAT THE WRITER PLANNED THE STORY TO BE.
This isn't Where's Waldo. It isn't Encyclopedia Brown. It isn't some puzzle game where I have to try to pierce through the author's convoluted, cryptic train of reasoning to figure out what the "right answer" is, because unless they explicitly say so in the story, neither interpretation is any better than an educated guess. And frankly, there's already plenty of evidence why interpreting Deus as a Mewtwo is total horse-shit:
1. Mewtwo doesn't breed, and it certainly would not and could not recreate itself in any way. It's created in a lab, by humans, and the technology used in its creation was completely destroyed after it escaped. It's a total loner only interested in self preservation, and it hides in a cave all of its life simply because it tries to avoid the outside world. There is no way it would EVER be able or be willing to model itself after a human family. Not in any canon, nor in any legitimate source material expanding the Pokemon universe.
Seriously, what planet would a writer have to be from to think that this kind of setup for a fanfic is remotely reasonable?
2. If you're playing this game that a "black pokeball" is evidence of Mewtwo, then you have to accept that the rest of both anime movies involving Mewtwo can be interpreted as canon in your plot. That means it's pretty much set in stone that Mewtwo hates trainers and humanity in general. It was tortured and abused by humans growing up, and it dedicates most of its later life to avoiding them and protecting the clones from being attacked or captured by trainers. It ended up at peace with the rest of humanity, but it still didn't want to involve itself in their kind of lifestyle in any way. It would NEVER have decided to emulate some sort of ridiculous and totally unnecessary gym badge quest.
Giving him a 180 degree personality shift makes about as much fucking sense as Team Rocket joining the Catholic Church.
3. Plenty of in-context clues showing that Mewtwo being the main character doesn't fit his physical description. First of all, Mewtwo can't learn Teleport without the use of a TM. No humanity left? No teleportation. Mewtwo doesn't have hands, it has paws, and those paws certainly aren't going to be used as utensils. There's no indication Mewtwo even needs to eat, and it frankly most likely never would need to if it manages to spend all of its life sitting in a cave.
The author completely fails to understand that "clues" like "omg black pokeballs" and "HURR DURR CINNEBAR ISLAND" are NOT EVIDENCE, they are obscure references from different media that could just as easily have been original elements to the plot. And they don't even make sense in the context of the source material. How the fuck am I supposed to know that the author is willing to completely change the game mechanics and plot to put in some dumb references to that terrible anime movie in some instances while not doing so in others? Did it seriously not occur to them that if they were going to mix and match canon maybe they should have said so in an author's note, instead of useless, judgmental bullshit like "By now it should be clear what Deus is"?
Anyways, reader, when you're done realizing that this story is apparently just a bunch of poorly thought out narrative fanservice in disguise, you should try reading a story like Legendary Athlete to see a writer who actually understands Mewtwo's character and is willing to write about it properly.
| Vryheid chapter 9 . 4/30/2013
There sure is a lot of nitpicking going on in the reviews for this story. For a story that isn't even 10k words long I don't see why some people find necessary to write a 5 page essay tearing through the grammatical details of every other sentence here. Personally, I think the idea and authentic perspective gives this enough color to make the piece very intriguing, but the lack of a proper ending (or real conflict for that matter) has left me disappointed. If the "inheritors" really are Hypnos and this really is modeled after gen 1 I'd be interested to see how one of the statistically weakest Psychic types (seriously, Pokemon like Starmie, Alakazam, and Slowbro are all vastly superior) managed to conquer civilization. We've been given bits and pieces of information so far, but from what little we know I think it's a hard sell.
| pinkpurplepie chapter 1 . 1/21/2013
REALLY OVER WRITTEN!
| UndyingSeafood chapter 3 . 1/19/2013
"Cinnabar was nice."
EVEN SHORTER SENTENCE! WHOOHOO! The next chapter would probably be something like 'hi'. /shot
I do prefer shorter starts like this. xD
The chapter's shorter than the previous two, though then again - length doesn't mean a thing. I adore the first few paragraphs as they bring mild description and display the world in Deus' perspective. Also, it's getting more obvious now, as not a lot of first generation psychic types have a tail like that.
" and others just starting to show signs of wear, no two showing the same apparent age.."
Would 'none of them' be a smoother substitute for the sentence there? Jeez, I feel a little useless for coming up with these tiny problems because I can't find anything majorly wrong ._.
Hm, this chapter is, I dare say, more interesting than the last. Brings back my interest, at least. And yes, Cinnabar was nice.
| UndyingSeafood chapter 2 . 1/19/2013
Second review of exchange.
"The area beyond Fuchsia was lightly forested, interspaced with open sections of green meadow or dry ground. He could feel the minds of various local pokemon all around."
No more overly-long sentences! :D Yay! On a serious note, nice job keeping its species a secret. It really does make things a tad more mysterious.
"Sen recalled it and sent out the next pokemon, a somewhat sleepy-looking oddish. Like the first it looked like it had already battled, presumably against the nidoran earlier. After the sandshrew landing a scratch attack or two on it, the oddish managed to wrap its leaves around the sandshrew's side and execute an absorb attack."
It might be better if there's more detail regarding the attacks. Where did the scratch land? Reaction? Just my thoughts, as some realistic and descriptive blows would create a better scene in our lil' heads. Same thing with the following battles. Still, if that's your style (which it kind of is, judging by your other stories), then stick to it.
Also, I feel that Deus is just roaming around from town to town without a clear purpose. It kind of makes things a little less interesting, as if there's nothing that would encourage us to read on.
| UndyingSeafood chapter 1 . 1/19/2013
For Chapter Review Exchange.
Short yet intriguing start. I found it rather amusing, especially the part where Deus was forced to eat like a human. I even laughed at the grapefruit bit. Anyway, the chapter isn't lengthy but to the point, giving us a rather vague start that leads the readers to an even more confusing chapter (that's a compliment, by the way). You've done a good job hiding Deus' identity, as well as giving us a 'warm-up session' with a hint of mystery.
Anyway, Chapter 1 is, in theory, basically flawless. However, I was bugged about a couple of small 'issues', and I'll just point them out right here.
"Beyond the outer wall of the room the minds of the birds shifted, first songs of the day approaching half over and the beginnings of fatigue mixed with accomplishment seeping through the wrinkles of their minds like a drop of water spreading through the fibers of a scrap of paper bit by bit."
I'm not sure if it's just me or something, but that sounds a bit too complicated/long. Would it be better if you split it into small bits?
Also, perhaps a small cliffhanger or an enigma would draw us in even more? That might ALSO be me, as I was reading Pokemon Revolution a while back and the atmosphere was completely different. (will you also write more about Eon as well? It hasn't been updated in a while. Still, I know you have higher priorities).
| zoruarules4 chapter 1 . 1/17/2013
This is so confusing. Bad. 1 outta 10.
And I am so pissed off now